tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-32757725958333138782024-02-19T05:16:59.277-07:00Adventures in Life, With ChildrenBusy mom to 4, 2 on earth, 2 in heaven. Black belt in karate, lover of all things creative, hard worker who hasn't found that perfect career yet. This blog is my space to yammer about anything and everything!Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.comBlogger92125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-35104532706145982352014-08-13T22:14:00.000-06:002014-08-13T22:14:08.010-06:004 Years I can't believe it's been 4 years since I was last happily pregnant. I had lunch out and just wanted to shout "I'm having a baby!" to anyone who'd listen. An hour later, my life was irreparably changed by the words, "there is no heartbeat, and no movement" by a very sweet ultrasound tech. It's something I never would have imagined could happen to me, but as people with a solid faith in God have said, "why not me?" I am not immune to sadness and loss and I now have 2 babies waiting for me in heaven to prove it. Today, 4 years since the first time one of my babies died, is a day to remember them and all the babies who knew only love. I Iove you, Taylor, and can't wait to meet you and your brother... Someday.<br />
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<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-10672336212330309832014-06-23T11:06:00.001-06:002014-06-23T11:06:35.341-06:009 Surprise Lessons I've Learned About Work and MoneyIt's true, I've been in panic mode for almost 2 months now, since I quit my job at the bank. It's extremely stressful not making money and having the extra income, especially when you've managed to irresponsibly rack up credit card debt and still have some student loans. It also makes you feel losery and worthless to not be adding monetary value to your household and to know that you tried and did not succeed at a new "career." Then, there is the layer of guilt for putting all the slack on your husband for paying all the bills. Seriously, I do feel really (really, really, really) bad for all of that.<br />
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BUT. That all being said, I have learned several valuable lessons that I never would have figured out before. In no particular order, not working has taught me:<br />
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1. <strong>The value of who you are and what you mean to others cannot be expressed in monetary terms.</strong> I have 2 amazing kids who have grown up so incredibly fast it makes me want to cry. In just a few short years, Trent will be 18 and finishing high school. The time I miss with them now cannot be recovered. The biggest two regrets I have about working full time at the bank were missing almost all of last summer with them, and taking out my work frustration and exhaustion on them when my days were long at work. Have the kids felt the impact of the zero bank balance? Absolutely! But the time I have been able to spend with them has been invaluable. Being able to go on a field trip, hang out for field day, go to an awards ceremony, drive my son to camp, cook dinner every night, be the one to take them to their activities instead of showing up late, grumpy, and tired mean more to them than me being able to spend an extra $2 on gum every time we're at Target. <br />
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<strong>2. Making money is hard. </strong>In an effort to make some supplemental money until I find a job, I have scoured my house for any and all goods I don't need anymore. Turns out, they aren't worth much. The 100 books I had from my college days that I spent thousands on? I spent 2 full days online, looking for anyone who wanted them. The result? Sold only 20 of the books to the tune of just under $80 ($60 of which I can't even currently retrieve due to the name on my paypal account not matching the name on my bank account, but that's another story). Took some old clothes of Taryn's (and by old, I mean mainly purchased in the last year) to a kid's consignment shop (2, actually). Netted $15.65 (wooooo). Took some of mine and Trent's old clothes to a teen consignment shop (again, old being within the past year or 2). My earnings? $10.60. Dragged out almost everything we had from the basement and garage saled it. After lugging it all out to my driveway THREE separate times, I made about $77. And I still have a garage full of stuff I wish I had never bought. I mean, really! Did each of my kids need 70000000000 outfits before they were 2?! Take heed, parents of little ones, DON'T BUY MORE THAN THE BARE MINIMUM OF CLOTHING AND TOYS FOR YOUR KIDS. It's not worth it. What I'm attempting to get at is that it is easy to spend money on things you think you need, but hindsight has taught me the hard lesson that acquiring money is way more difficult than spending it. I may be unemployed but I have not worked this hard in a very long time!<br />
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<strong>3. Setback does not equal failure. </strong>Disliking my job waiting tables doesn't mean I failed. Disliking my job at the bank, trying to sell credit cards and loans and accounts to people who just wanted to activate their debit card and leave doesn't mean I failed. Flubbing up and spending some money I shouldn't doesn't mean I failed. All of these things taught me so much about who I am, what I enjoy and don't enjoy, and what is important. Had I learned nothing or failed to acknowledge what I know now about myself, THEN I would have failed. But I am moving onward and upward and will continue to learn, grow, and move on. No failure here. <br />
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<strong>4. Struggling for every dollar you have makes you appreciate it a million times more, and 5. letting your kids watch you work your butt off for almost nothing is a priceless lesson for them. </strong>I have felt bad time and again for telling them no: no, we can't go out, no, we can't get ice cream, no, we can't buy candy, no, no, no, no, no. But all those no's have shown them that every little extra spent here and there is A. a treat, and B. adds up to a ton of money. I'm hoping this time spent being thrifty and getting minimal extras will help them think twice about their own spending habits, now and forever.<br />
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<strong>6. Being employed can be exceptionally deceptive. </strong>I was making ok money at the bank. Compared to other jobs, it was just ok, better than Mimi's, about the same take home as Perkins, but at Perkins I made the money in 25-30 hours vs. 38-40+ hours at the bank. That's a minimum of 8 extra hours per week, yikes! And now we can all see why serving is a job that is easy to end up doing for 10,000 years! I knew this the whole time I was working at the bank and I knew I had debt to pay down, but I could afford extra stuff because I had a job! Right? WRONG. Having a job tricked me into telling myself I could buy stuff I shouldn't have been buying. While it's true I did need new work clothes, I didn't need a closet full of new work clothes. While it's true that some days were payday, I didn't need to eat lunch out just because I had plenty of money in my account on payday. Several years ago, I lended a friend some money, and before she paid me back, she had bought some non-necessities for herself. Man, was I pissed! I angrily confronted her and she angrily wrote me a check for the full amount while I stewed that she was mad at me for saying something. It blew over quickly, but looking back, I wonder why I don't hold myself to the same standard. I owe Visa money. I owe MasterCard money. I owe Discover money. I owe Nelnet money. We all get the idea. Obviously these companies aren't my friends and don't want me to pay off my balances, but the concept is similar. Why am I not angry at myself for spending money on lunch out or ANOTHER pencil skirt I'm not going to wear when I owe my buddy Bank of America a bunch of money? Well, because I have a job and have money coming in so I can afford to. That was the lie I told myself for a long time and when I do get a new job, I hope and pray that I won't forget this lesson! All I can currently afford is the money I owe other "people."<br />
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<strong>7. It's not all about the money. </strong>I have stupidly become obsessed with money, despite having a lifelong cavalier attitude about it. I'm not obsessed with building a big bank account or buying lots of things, just with getting and staying out of debt. But the things in life that matter the most aren't how much you make or what stuff you've got. I have a great family and supportive friends, am happy with my religion and developing relationship with God, and I have everything I need. I am lucky. I am blessed. <br />
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<strong>8. If work feels like torture, it will poison your whole life. </strong>I am searching for something I am passionate about and love doing because then it will not feel like <em>work</em>. I won't stupidly hold out forever for the ideal, but now I do have a long term goal of finding something I LOVE doing. Working in a restaurant is fine. Working in a bank is fine. But I got to the point where I hated being at work and that makes the job 100% not worth it. I don't know where I'll end up, but I know it won't be in a job that is just "fine," or worse.<br />
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<strong>9. I am ok and have everything I need. </strong>Not working doesn't mean you aren't valuable. It doesn't mean your world is going to fall apart. It doesn't mean you're lazy or afraid to work hard. If anything, this has taught me that working hard feels great! Until I find my next job, I will continue to be ok.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13805901433032982826noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-69122572866515442482014-06-19T12:33:00.001-06:002014-06-19T12:33:35.883-06:00SearchingNext month, I will be 33. I have 2 kids who are rapidly approaching adulthood. I have a college degree, earned over 11 years ago. I have been married for nearly 8 years. I worked in restaurants for almost 16 years. I enjoy psychology, sociology, literature, writing, drawing, painting, crocheting, criminal justice, music, children, walking, and karate. I know that ideally, I'd like to do a job that isn't customer service, at least for a while. I know that I don't enjoy sales at all. I think sales pitches are ridiculous and sometimes even insulting. I hate been sold to and I don't want to do it to anyone else. I have learned from my last job that confidence and self assuredness will get you very far. I have learned that loving what you do is key, because if your job makes you miserable, it will spill into real life and make those around you miserable as well. I learned that it's not that easy to just "make money" and the harder you work for the money, the better it feels to have it. All of THAT being said, I have come to the scary, stressful, and maddening "what do I want to be when I grow up?" crossroad. I wish I had come to, and torn past, this juncture a decade ago, but nothing will change the past. I keep telling myself and everyone else, I don't know, I don't know, I don't know what to do. But I do know, really. I want to do something creative (make paintings and sell them, teach elementary students art class, write a novel, or write and illustrate stories for elementary aged children), independent (clean houses, deliver mail, make art and literature), and/or something that helps others (social work, case management, counseling). So far my own self doubt is by far the biggest hurdle standing in my way. I am unsure of my talents and passions, and scared of failing, so I don't fully throw myself into anything. I have been grasping at straws to find a way to make extra money, and none of my ideas have worked well, thus far. But I haven't thrown myself fully into anything I'm passionate about. I know these things take time, patience, and perseverance, so I am resolved to try, REALLY try, one idea at a time. First on the list, creativity. I am going to set up an etsy store, start painting things that I enjoy painting, and see if anyone else loves what I create. I have a few exciting ideas for paintings and am eager to see what I can do. I have also resolved myself to spending time writing a book. I have lots of ideas that have been on my mind, some old, some new, and they won't write themselves. Taryn recently told me that I should be a writer, and I would love to. But with no manuscript, a career as a writer seems completely unattainable. Since this has always been a passion and a dream of mine, there is no reason why I shouldn't make the time to pursue this. I do not want to feel like a failure due to lack of effort on my end. Should I "fail" at either of these endeavors, I want to know I tried as hard as I could! I cannot continue to be too afraid to try because I am unsure. If I sell no art, and never publish my book or books, at least I will have spent my time creating them and pursuing a dream. In the mean time, I still will need to work a "real job," and I know deep down there is an amazing job out there for me that will further my development and make me happy. I am praying that I find it swiftly and ask that you pray for me and wish me good luck on this journey. Having so much encouragement has been motivating and inspiring and I feel blessed to be able to take this time to figure myself out and have friends and family cheer me on along the way.Anonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/13805901433032982826noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-52337796922671218592014-05-15T13:55:00.000-06:002014-05-15T13:57:52.130-06:00AnniversariesIt's been 2 years since I lost my second heaven baby. I marked my calendar with a little heart. I have little flashbacks to that day, and the few days after it. Feeling lost. Feeling stunned. Feeling... like I didn't know how to feel. Maybe I was too calm. Maybe I was too detached. Maybe I didn't care enough. I know that's not true. But sometimes I feel like it is. Of course I was sad and upset. But not devastated. Maybe that's what happens when you are expecting it. That's pretty sad. The way I explained it to someone was something like, "obviously I didn't want it to happen, but after it already has, you kind of expect it to go that way." I still don't feel so totally torn up over it like I did the first time. I guess time helps soften the blow. I'm not saying I don't care, just that there's a little bit of numbness to the whole experience. <br />
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When you have kids in heaven, it changes everything. Who you are, how you feel, what you think about life, death, and God all change. I am not the same person as I was before August 13, 2010; and even more different than who I was prior to May 15, 2012. Knowing your child died, and not knowing why, or not knowing why the fatal problem happened to them in the first place, or not knowing if they felt anything, or suffered, or the exact moment they went from growing, developing, and BEING ALIVE to dead is the most haunting aspect of the miscarriage experience. Knowing that your body went through labor that is not recognized as labor, knowing that society doesn't regard these babies as actual people, that is the most angering. Hearing people say, "I know how you feel" when they haven't gone through it, and sometimes even when they have, or, worse, people comparing their WANTING to have a baby with your loss... really??? Maybe I'm being an ass about the whole situation, but you WANTING to get pregnant at a certain time and having life changes ruin that plan, or WANTING to have another kid and not having it happen for a long time are certainly frustrating and I'm sure (I don't know because I HAVEN'T been in those situations) full of anguish, but they are in no way the same as having the baby you are pregnant with, who actually is alive, die in your body!!! It's just not, and it dishonors the women who lost babies and the babies who died to suggest that the situations are similar. People usually do not trivialize the death of a child who lived outside the womb, it is maddening that it keeps happening to children who die before they are born. 2 of my children are less than because they didn't live long enough to be born?!? Think that one over and tell me it's logical. I'd love to know how we are able to come to that conclusion! Half of my kids are dead, that's pretty bad odds, so yeah, I get a little riled up about the societal attitudes toward babyloss.<br />
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But today, I really don't know how to feel. I guess I am just staying busy and remembering that no matter what, those babies were mine and nothing can change the memories I got to make with them. And I'm ok.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-4578057789608292992014-01-29T19:41:00.001-07:002014-01-29T19:44:41.030-07:00"I've heard that's really common"Several months back, those very words were said to me by a co-worker when it came out that I had lost 2 kids. "I've heard that's really common." Girl, what?! It was all I could do not to bite back in the meanest possible way with "I heard it's common to lose your parents." But what asshole would say something so mean, thoughtless, and absurd? What point would it serve to slap her in the face with words over the loss of her mother whom she loved so dearly? But what makes child loss, especially miscarriage, any different? Yes, my children weren't even born, they were tiny, they were developing, I didn't even meet them. But they were MY kids. They lived in my body and in the few weeks I knew about them, my brain had already played out millions of moments of their lives and not one of those moments included their death and me not getting to meet them in this life. So why do we act like it's ok to disregard them with statements like that one? Yeah, it's common to lose a child. Lots of things are common, it doesn't make them any less terrible and knowing that it's common doesn't do anything whatsoever to make it easier. Cancer is common. Having parents pass away is common. Having your identity stolen is common. But our reactions to those events are much different. I cannot fathom ANYONE saying "yeah that's common" when someone they know is diagnosed with cancer or some other terrible disease. No one would say such a thing with a straight face and expect that to be somehow comforting. My kids DIED. Knowing it's not uncommon does NOTHING to ease that. At this very moment, HALF of my children are not here with me and I have missed 1 and almost 3 years so far with them. A million moments, stolen away.I'm glad I'm not alone in that but knowing it's happened to other people really only makes me more sad. Other people have had to go through this shit! Friends, relatives, women I love dearly! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. So please remember that while it's common to miscarry a child, it's also a very terrible thing and the only words appropriate to utter are, "I'm sorry for your loss(es)" or some other similar but sensitive phrase. I know the topic is uncomfortable, but living on earth with kids in heaven is uncomfortable, too.<br />
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<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-55566130592447089752014-01-13T22:17:00.002-07:002014-01-13T22:17:46.489-07:00bikini body/bikini ATTITUDE<br />
<img alt="Photo: DO IT" class="scaledImageFitWidth img" height="504" src="https://scontent-a-dfw.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash3/p480x480/1209026_10151803727213956_1336766775_n.jpg" width="504" /><br />
A friend posted this on facebook, and it was PERFECT for how I've been feeling lately!<br />
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When I was 15, I could eat junk all day and was literally so thin people I didn't know would ask me if I was anorexic. In gym class sophomore year, we were measuring our body fat with calipers and a girl I didn't even know came over and asked if anyone had 0% body fat. My group of friends and I told her no and she looked at me and said, "oh, we thought maybe you did." I was close to 6 feet tall, weighed no more than 145 (getting sick sophomore year took care of that and brought me down to the low 130s for the rest of high school), had thighs so skinny I couldn't MAKE them touch, and ate horrendously. People TELL you it won't be like that forever and that you just have high metabolism, but you don't realize how much and how quickly things change. (For the record I was completely obsessive about having a skinny waist and would wake up at 5 in the morning to do abs of steel workouts- all this after one little comment by my mom when I was 12 that I was getting a little bit of chunk at my waist. At 5'9" and 115 pounds or so, looking back I'm sure it was either pretty much nothing or she was completely kidding- but that comment stuck with me, well, forever. So I did get a fair amount of exercise in high school, I also walked a LOT). But, after I had my baby Trent, my body never went back. Despite actually still being skinny and fit (maybe tipped the scales around 155) I was still OBSESSED with being skinnier. I weighed a little more and my waist was one whole inch bigger than before and it drove me crazy. After I had Taryn, I was just a bit heavier than before I got pregnant with her. Then, when Taryn was about 2, I gained about 20 pounds. I was heavier than I had ever been except when I was pregnant and I thought it was totally unacceptable. I began eating better (at this point I wasn't exercising ever) and lost 25 pounds in a couple of months. After I met Ryan I gained a little back. Then I started exercising again and toned up. Then I got a little flabby. When we got married I weighed somewhere around 160-165. I wore a bikini one day on our honeymoon and after we got the pictures I was appalled. All I saw was my fat gut. I asked him why he let me run around like that and to look how fat I looked. He said, "I just see us on the beach." Right after we got married, I was stressed out and still trying to handle this whole being a grown up thing and started gaining again. Then I got obsessive about exercising. If my weight fluctuated AT ALL it freaked me out. Then I stopped caring. Then about 4 years ago, I gained my holiday weight and could NOT get rid of it. Then in the summer it just fell off for no reason I could figure. Then I got pregnant with Taylor. That 10 weeks I gained probably 8 pounds. Too much. The next couple of years were the same. Pack on weight over the holidays. Watch it disappear when the weather got warm despite no changes to diet or exercise. In 2012, I gained my holiday weight. But it never went away in 2013. In fact, the scale just kept creeping up and up. My clothes were tight, I'd look in the mirror and think I was disgusting. My tummy was flabby for the first time in many, many years (even after babies, I'd work hard to get at least a 4 pack back). My thighs wouldn't NOT touch. Mind you, at 6'1"ish and still under 180, I'm NOT huge. But my head tells me I am. So one of the goals I have this year is an either/or. EITHER I'll lose weight- HOPEFULLY from eating healthfully, so that whatever chronic disease is plaguing me and making me feel terrible all the time will go away and a logical side effect will be weight loss, OR I'll "get over" my weight gain and JUST MAKE PEACE WITH HOW I LOOK. I want to wear a bikini this year; just not with the stipulation of only doing so if I'm fit and look skinny. I want to put on a bikini and not compare myself to EVERY. OTHER. WOMAN. I. SEE. I want to put on a bikini and not CARE if I don't have a 6 pack- or even a 4 pack- or even a 2 pack! I want to put on a bikini and know that the 20000000000000000000000000000 stretch marks I have are from the 4 babies who lived in there and not care if they're noticeable. I want to put on a bikini and know there's nothing wrong with the body I'm in- whether it's 175 pounds or 155 pounds or any other NUMBER of pounds. I don't know how I'm going to get to this point, but that's my goal. And to not say how fat I am in front of my kids. We shouldn't be judging any woman by her size, and I shouldn't be teaching them to by tearing myself apart. My body can earn a black belt, care for my family, and take my dog for a walk. It can house children. All those things should be good enough! I just have to get to the point where I always think those things ARE good enough- about myself and any other woman, bikini-clad or not.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-25328380345853391052014-01-08T19:42:00.001-07:002014-01-08T19:42:32.850-07:00church notes- literally typing (swyping on phone) notes during churchFavorite and not favorite things<br />
<br />
DMV, taxes, jury duty, disciplining kids (dislikes from the crowd)<br />
<br />
SUFFERING<br />
No one likes to suffer.<br />
WHY do we dislike/hate suffering?<br />
We're creatures of comfort/pleasure<br />
AVOID DISCOMFORT<br />
UNLESS there is value/payoff/benefit to the suffering/discomfort/pain/difficulty<br />
Suffering a rite of passage for Christians (hard time in faith is a typical Christian journey)<br />
Matthew 5 (blessed are those who suffer and are persecuted) verse 12: rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven<br />
Christian or not, people will go through trials because we live in a fallen, sinful world.<br />
Suffering: sin filled choices and mistakes. We sometimes choose the wrong path due to our sinful nature.<br />
Sometimes it isn't due to our wrongdoings or bad choices.<br />
Hebrews 12:<br />
Suffering at the hands of others.<br />
God marked or our race, we must fix our eyes on Jesus who endured the cross and sits at the right hand of the father. Ephesians 4: we, through the lens of the blood of Jesus Christ, are seen by God as holy and blameless<br />
Persecuted due to their faith because they walked away from Judaism. Banned, abolished, suffering because they believed in Jesus.<br />
Jesus= free grace! (Woohoo)<br />
Keep on!<br />
Struggle against sin different from struggle WITH sin. Keep persevering!<br />
"The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son"<br />
We want our kids to learn to work hard and learn discipline; we don't (and God doesn't) want us to SUFFER, we want them to grow up with values and grow into maturity BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM. The concept is the same with God and us. He is saying, "you belong to me." This involves difficulty at times!<br />
In order to shelter us from pain, He would have to protect us from ourselves and everyone else. He gave us free will instead. We have the choice to accept or deny him. As we suffer, we have good to look to and good to find our hope in! We should seek discipline in order to grow (in Him). We respect our parents for disciplining us; God is our heavenly father. Discipline produces a harvest of goodness. There are benefits of discipline and suffering!<br />
Suffering= benefit of faith. New lens and perspective.<br />
James 1:2-4: "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials... We will become mature and complete from it"<br />
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<br />
Through the text I used the words us and we. The above photo is a reminder that he loves us ALL and wants us all to love him back (No matter how bad we think we are)<br />
<br />
Ironically, this was my daily bible verse for today on my bible app:<br />
<br />
1 Peter 5:10<br />
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10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-63735444316356346822014-01-07T22:32:00.001-07:002014-01-13T22:19:58.111-07:00Random thoughts<br />
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How did I end up with a giant black bruise on the inside of each of my thighs and not remember hurting myself? I'm assuming it's from karate but still. OWWWWWWWW. I'm such a baby.<br />
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When i cross my legs they hurt each other! Why do my bruises never look quite as bad in pictures as they actually are?! Apparently i can't be trusted with wooden nunchucks. Also, I whacked my elbow about 1,000,000 times so it hurts the most but the damage isn't quite as evident.<br />
<br />
I just had to switch from typing on my phone to typing on the computer and when I logged in, I used my work password. I think I'm there too much!<br />
<br />
My dog is curled up on our new cuddly blanket (or, "mankey" if you're Taryn) and she looks so cute!!! She doesn't look as cute as she really does in the pictures I snapped of her. Perhaps I am a terrible photographer. <br />
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<br />
Isn't she so cute!!! I like her so much.<br />
<br />
I can't really think of what I want to say so sorry about the rambling.<br />
<br />
I did have a few other new year's wishes:<br />
1. Don't get angry while driving<br />
2. Calm down and just be nice to people (like when I was at work on Christmas eve and on the phone and I kind of rudely asked a customer to hold on just a second and he was just telling me merry Christmas. gosh. I felt like such a bitch).<br />
3. Don't look at the phone while I drive, ever. For any reason. I need to just get in the habit of putting it in the trunk.<br />
<br />
I had thought of some others earlier today but now I can't remember so probably my first ten posts will have things I want to work on this year.<br />
<br />
I know I'm no where near 500 words but I think that's all I've got in me today. Good thing a picture is worth a thousand words!<br />
<br />
Also, the terrible song 7 things I hate about you is stuck in my head. No idea why. I wish it would stop. Although trying to think of 7 things I hate about the singer (Miley Cyrus for those of you who don't have the misfortune of knowing offhand) makes it more amusing. And I just broke my wish #2 above. Ha.<br />
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Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-52668647399682168922014-01-06T23:02:00.001-07:002014-01-06T23:02:34.543-07:00words and reso's Thanks to Jamie at forget me not, oh Lord, I am signed up for the 500 word challenge to write at least 500 words every day in the month of January. Obviously it's the 6th so I'm not off to the best start ha ha. But that's ok. I was really excited to see this idea because I have really been wanting to get back to spending time each day writing and I'm hoping to write every day. Maybe not 500 (or more) words every day, and maybe not always here, but definitely at least 15 minutes every day to myself to be creative and let some thoughts out. I'll edit this post later to link to the 500 word challenge (I'm on my phone so it's a little complicated at the moment. Also my dog is squeaking her toy incessantly and it's totally hilarious but also moderately distracting).<br />
<br />
I'm not really one for making resolutions (that I totally never keep. At all). So here are my WISHES for the year:<br />
1. At least TRY- really hard- to eat clean for at least a month. This will require extra work, extra planning, extra effort, and probably extra money but I think it would be extremely beneficial and I'm excited to see if we all feel better. (Update, I haven't braved going to the doctor but Ryan recently had and m.s. is suspected, so I'm hoping it will help him too).<br />
2. Spend more time reading, writing, and being creative and less time watching t.v. or messing with my phone.<br />
3. Walk every day. Even if it's cold, or late, or I'm tired.<br />
4. Go to the stupid doctor (and find one who doesn't suck)<br />
5. Read the bible and my daily affirmations every day.<br />
6. Get good at my job or find one I am good at and happy at.<br />
7. Feel better about babies. Dunno how to do this but maybe I'll see a therapist or something. I need to make peace with my reality and move forward.<br />
<br />
I'll revisit these wishes for 2014 every couple of weeks to keep them fresh and stay mindful of them. Wish me luck!<br />
<br />
<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-87617666414739836142013-10-30T22:17:00.000-06:002013-11-01T20:02:58.365-06:00Bulletpoint UpdateI'm on a computer all day at work, so, honestly, I haven't wanted to blog AT ALL. And I kind of don't now but I happened to be on here and it's been a loooooooong time, so here's a quick update in bullet points. I'm hoping this will give me a jumping off point to get in depth later!<br />
<br />
*work is still... yeah... I dunno. Still learning, still struggling a bit, still hoping I'll get better, still not thrilled with the hours. Trying harder and gradually improving, but not where I thought I'd be 6 months in... workin' on it!<br />
<br />
*wanting a baby status: over it.<br />
<br />
*sad about Taylor and Tristan: getting much better. Less bitter. Easier to cry when I think of them but strangely that's helpful. Not like I bawl daily, just actually letting myself feel when the it comes up.<br />
<br />
*other babies: easier. Still not always that easy. More "wow what a cute baby" moments and less "I hate you for having a baby" moments. Still removing people from my facebook news feed THE first time I see the "having a baby" posts. Actually caring about them and checking up on them on my time/terms.<br />
<br />
*black belt: earned.<br />
<br />
*marriage: work in progress. I don't touch on it much here and I don't want to air other's issues, but I'll say there have been a lot of struggles in the last year or so. I'm learning a lot about myself and how to be a better person through it, though, and I think that's important and worth mentioning.<br />
<br />
*friends: miss them! no time. burning out kinda fast with everything. NEED MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS<br />
<br />
*life: need a better balance/to prioritize.<br />
<br />
*church: zoning out a bit. definitely need to improve my relationship with God!<br />
<br />
*health: meh. gaining weight, hate that! chronic pain not AS bad. gland stuff, icky and not very good. Jaw tense and awful. upper back full o' knots.<br />
<br />
*pets: Taryn's 3 frogs all died, but... we got a little doggie!!! She's a 4 year old shih Tzu named Coco and I loooooove her!<br />
<br />
*Trent: outgrew me!<br />
<br />
*survived: 3 year anniversary of saying bye to Taylor (8/13/10).<br />
<br />
*revelation: losing a grandchild is hard for grandparents. watching their kids want kids is hard for parents. my m.i.l. is awesome and strong and also probably really struggling watching us lose kids and another one long for them!<br />
<br />
*looking forward to: going to Glenwood Springs with Ryan to celebrate our anniversary this weekend. Hot springs and delicious food, here I come!Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-41111247100801683202013-05-30T22:36:00.001-06:002013-06-01T10:55:34.053-06:00Update. Part 1 of ???: New JobMany of you know that I have spent the last bazillion or so years working in restaurants. Mainly at Perkins (12 1/2 years), and then at Mimi's Cafe (with many of the Perkins crew) for the past 2 years. Many of you also know that I have never wanted to make a career out of this profession and have been burned out for almost as many years as I have been doing it in the first place. Was it all bad? No, absolutely not. I met many great people, I made good money, the hours were totally flexible around school and my kids, and, frankly, I was really good at it. I don't usually toot my own horn, but let's just be honest. Maybe not so much at Mimi's, but certainly at Perkins, I was totally the bomb at this job. But, it wasn't challenging and it got to the point where I didn't enjoy it, at all. I enjoyed the regulars, and I still miss them. But, there is a lot of drama and ridiculousness that comes with restaurant work, and I don't like drama or ridiculousness. Plus, it is physically and mentally demanding. And, at Mimi's, I felt totally unappreciated AND I felt like I was just wasting my time because it was far away. I wasn't totally opposed to working in a restaurant or bar but didn't see the point in driving 20 miles away to do it when I didn't really have a reason to. That's why I decided to just give up. Really, I could sugar coat it, but why? That really is what happened. I was just done. So, one day, out of the blue, I told my boss I needed to talk to him before he left for the day. He was like, "are you leaving us?" And all I could do was mockingly look at the ceiling and say, "uh huh." I gave my notice and hoped that, just once, the news wouldn't spread like wildfire. OF COURSE, in a restaurant, that was totally wishful thinking. Within a shift or two, people would trickle to me, "Don't leave," "are you really leaving us?" uh, yeah, I had to. I didn't have anything else lined up, I didn't have a plan of action, I didn't know where to start or what I wanted to look for but I just had to GO. I figured it would be a kick in pants because "job search" had been a line item on my to-do list for years, and IT NEVER GOT DONE. It never even really got started. <br />
<br />
For one (scary) month, I was unemployed (NO, I couldn't afford it, et cetera et cetera, but I felt SO GOOD for that month anyway. The cloud of unhappiness and stress lifted almost completely). I looked online every day for jobs and was pleasantly surprised that there were some good ones out there. I got an interview for one that sounded AMAZING and had a screening interview but never even got a call back for a longer interview. I tried to be positive and told myself it just wasn't meant to be, that I just wasn't who they were looking for, and that it would be inconvenient anyway (and it would have been), but rejection still really sucks. Funny now though, because as down about it as I was at the time, I haven't even thought about it in probably 2 months until now. There really was something different out there for me. I applied to anything I thought MIGHT be feasible, because I figured if I felt I could be qualified for something, maybe someone else would think so, too. If not, at least I tried. I figured some no's were better than not even trying and I was right. I got a call from the manager at a bank that is less than 10 minutes away from my house, and I just had a good feeling about my first interview. I interviewed with the assistant manager and things went pretty well. She was super nice, and I was excited at the prospect of starting something completely different. She told me they had a few other interviews and I'd hear back within a couple of weeks, so I was pretty surprised when I got another call later that day from the manager asking if I could come in the next day to meet him. By the end of the interview, where I also had a chance to meet the banker and hear about the job I was interviewing for, he was like, "so, whaddaya want?" He agreed that my asking salary was reasonable and told me he'd check with his boss. That was Friday, and on Monday afternoon, I got a call from the assistant manager, offering me the job for roughly the salary I had requested. <br />
<br />
About a month ago, I started. I have had a lot to learn and I have had a few struggles wondering if I did the right thing and if I am doing ok. Sometimes I feel like I am being compared to the other banker, who is a very confident young go-getter (with banking experience), and I really can't compare at this point. But I have taken it upon myself to learn as much as I can and keep as busy as I can and I think I'm doing ok. There's been a big learning curve and sometimes it's a little hard because I feel like I've been expected to figure a whole lot of it out on my own. But I know tons more than I did a month ago and I'm starting to feel more comfortable helping out some customers on my own. Today, I had someone call asking for me, and even though someone else was able to help him, it made me feel good that I was proficient enough when I had spoken with him before that he would ask for me again. I also spoke with another customer over the phone, a regular, who was very nice and thanked me profusely and said she hoped to make it in soon and meet me, so that was also really nice. It's nice to have that recognition and appreciation from the customers, but it also sucks when I don't know how to help them and they don't seem to understand that I am still learning and trying my best. I guess there is a lot of value in having a steep learning curve because as I make mistakes, I do get one heck of a learning experience from each and every one of them, but who likes to make mistakes?! Especially in front of customers, because, let's be honest, they don't care that I'm new, they care that I'm not able to help them that minute. I also have a little bit of a struggle because the managers both say things like, "oh, she won't be up and running on her own for a while" or "you still are struggling with ________________." Which is fine, I need to know how I can improve, but I also feel like I'm told something vaguely once and expected to remember how to do it some significant time later and that isn't very helpful. I also feel like I could be up and running if someone would just take the time to show me how to do a task, from start to finish and without controllable distractions, just once or twice. My training has been pretty scattered, so it's kind of hard to know what questions I'm supposed to ask when I open a new account, when I haven't seen that done but have been just told the steps. Geez, here I am just complaining! I didn't start this post with that intention at all, I just feel a little overwhelmed having so much to learn and I am a little bewildered that there isn't a better training plan in place so that tasks are learned in an orderly, and thorough, way. But, that's just at the branch level, and I do understand they are busy and have other things to do than just train me. On a higher note, they do offer an in-class banker school and I did the first week of that last week. It was actually fun and really helpful. It was also nice to get to meet other new(ish) bankers. It made me feel like I wasn't going through everything alone. I go back for the second part next week and can't wait to see all my new banker buddies again!<br />
<br />
I guess... just wish me luck, say a little prayer that I learn quickly and get my confidence up some. I know I can do it, I just hope it will be soon, and very well. And that my coworkers will see it soon, too. I'm not asking for praise all day, everyday, but it'd be nice to feel like I had someone backing me up and rooting me on.<br />
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Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-78835410697581803282013-02-20T21:36:00.002-07:002013-02-20T21:36:58.790-07:00bubble... burst!"do you and your husband have any kids together?"<br />
<br />
"just 2 dead ones."<br />
<br />
sometimes being blunt is fun and kind of hilarious.<br />
<br />
is it messed up that I think so? there's a tiny bit of very mean spirited satisfaction when I see that look of slight shock on someone's face when I'm actually honest. maybe part of it is that I just like to talk about my kids- ALL of them and I feel AWESOME when I do.<br />
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even if it makes someone squirm.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-65037056798370569062012-11-26T17:27:00.000-07:002012-11-29T22:12:22.994-07:00A few posts in oneI would break these up into a few posts, but I'm rarely on the computer, and I feel like a lot of people don't follow very regularly and I don't want any of this to get missed, so I'm doing several posts in one. Since I'm sort of on the subject, I'll start with:<br />
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(to be read in a non-sarcastic, somewhat ironic or silly, I'm just being honest tone)<br />
***Can those of you who actually DO follow, please click "follow" and then even leave me comments sometimes? The reasoning behind this request are many, which include me being somewhat needy (I guess) and throwing ALL this out there because sometimes, I really need to know that someone IS listening, does care, and that I don't have to always go through it all alone. Having 8 followers (which is a number that hasn't changed in 2 years), many of whom NEVER comment, make me feel like NO ONE IS LISTENING (or, reading). Ryan tells me all time, "you reach so many people, tons of people read your blog and care what you say." Uh, really? I can't tell when I get no comments on most posts. Furthermore, I really hate when people make excuses or reasons like "who would care what I think?" or "I don't want to comment on every post, you'll get sick of me." Um, no! Got something to say? I care! I care if you think I'm bein' a douche, I care if you think I've helped you be more caring, I care if you feel bad, I care if you think SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Wanna be supportive? Leave me a comment, lemme know! Wanna set me straight? Leave me a comment, lemme know! Wanna tell me I'm a whiner? Leave a comment... I can't/don't/won't know if you don't say so, and I don't (AT ALL) expect 100% support. I don't expect everyone to say "oh, honey, sweetie, baby cakes, poor you!" I've offended? Set me straight! I've given you something to think about? Tell me! You're so super sorry about what's happened to me? Please say so! (Sometimes I really need to hear it)... <br />
Another reason for this request is because, even though sometimes I have angry, downright mean things to say, and sometimes they seem to be about someone specific, I am actually NOT that shitty of a person. I care who my audience is, so if I know what I'm thinking might hurt or offend someone, I will make a point to be more sensitive. Not that I'm necessarily going to censor myself, but the point of this blog is to be honest and let people know where my mind (SOMETIMES) goes; not to lose friends and piss people off. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest because I can get bogged down in negative emotions, then, sometimes weeks later, it's brought to my attention that I've hurt someone or was overly mean/rude/hateful. I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, however, there are times I just need to get. it. out. My feelings can be hell to live with sometimes, but they are not who I am. They come and go so quickly and seemingly without reason. One day I find out someone is pregnant and I'm thrilled and I think, "oh, maybe I'm starting to feel better," then the next day (or 5 minutes later), I see a pregnant stranger and want to kick her in the shin. Then I think, "DAMMIT! When will I feel ok?!" That got a little off track... oops. Anyway, all I'm TRYING to say is, I care who might be reading this and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for any reason. You're my friend or family member and you're preggo or have a new baby? I still love you! I AM happy for you! Sometimes it's a little hard for me, though. I'm not blogging to hurt your feelings, I promise!<br />
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Nextly, (sheesh, that first part was long),<br />
I've said in the past that I don't want to call anyone out, but I was WRONG! So, here goes (in no particular order, and I'm sorry if I miss anyone):<br />
* Jenny J: thank you for ALWAYS being there, and for not being afraid to say you're sorry or that you care. And, of, course, for the BEAUTIFUL cross stitch honoring Taylor (If you ever wanted to do another for Tristan-- in ALL your spare time--wink, wink...) But seriously, you've been an amazing source of support.<br />
*Chris W: sometimes the things I write you could take such offense to, and you don't, and I can't tell you HOW MUCH that means! I LOVE YOU for taking the time to let me know when you've read and try to cheer me up, and I hope you know I LOOOOVVVVE those beautiful babies of yours, too.<br />
*Brenda S: you've always been someone I admired for being HILARIOUS and I was always happy Trent was your birthday buddy because I'd be thrilled to have a kid with a sense of humor like yours! You're a great mom and even though we haven't seen each other in years, you've left me a couple of the most amazing and sweet comments here and your kind words have been helpful and inspirational!<br />
*Derek and Ariel C: Derek, for a long time you were one of my only friends, and you always were amazing to talk to and then you met your wifey and I had another friend in her! What a blessing. But the thing I love, love, LOVE the most was when you shrieked like a little girl when I told you I was pregnant with Taylor (and secondly for working for me on Christmas- I still owe you a favor for that one)! You 2 are great friends!<br />
*Cassie M: we've lost touch and had some rough times, but when I lost Taylor, you dropped by just to show you care, and I don't think we said much (as there's not much to say) but you hugged me, smoked with me, and sat with me, and I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to just BE THERE.<br />
*Andrea M: you're one of the only people I see with any sort of regularity (even though it's not enough), and even though I can tell sometimes talking about all this makes you a little uneasy (trust me! I understand), you're always a good listener and I don't know what I'd do without our (sometimes) walks.<br />
*Kim R: You've had lots of struggles of your own but you never lost your spunk and now things are happening for you and I truly wish you nothing but the best. You took the time to read and then you had the guts to be honest with me and even though I wasn't totally receptive at the time, I've told you before and I'll tell you again now that I DO appreciate you and I have nothing but respect for you saying what you feel to me. Your honesty was a kick in the right direction for me.<br />
*Kim E: You're one of the awesomest people I know and I am so lucky we've become friends. I have had so many great times with you and I can't wait for that friend date (remember the one from 4 months ago we never got around to? we're still gonna do it-- without kids! Although our larkburger friend date was awesome and so generous of you, we need some grown up time!) You gave me the beautiful hanging flower basket after my second loss and I nurtured it all summer. I loved looking at it and having a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.<br />
*Katharine: I know today is a terrible day for you. I'M SO SORRY! But I wouldn't be where I am today without you and your blog and I think you are such an amazing woman, writer, MOTHER, wife, pet mom, and friend! ((((((((((HUGGGGGGGS))))))))))<br />
*Jamie: you are much classier than I am and yet you read my blog with understanding and kind words. You're an amazing lady. You keep me inspired and sometimes you're the sole commenter on a post and the ONLY way I know that someone cares. THAT means a ton to me, and SO DO YOU!!!<br />
*Kate VOS: What can I say? You're my sister and one of my best friends. You're always there for me, and I LOVE YOU.<br />
*Becky VO: I got so lucky to get you for a mother in law! Sometimes I feel like you get the short end of my temper and/or honesty and I just want you to know I'm never trying to be mean to you. I am SO appreciative that I can be honest with you- it's done WONDERS to have someone to talk to who will always let me say what I need to say and try to offer support, advice, and understanding.<br />
*Millie VO: You always are patient, kind, and a good listener and I thank you, so much, for being there for me!<br />
*Michelle U: You understand what I've been through and you have remembered me (us) at times when no one else has. The cards you've sent have been so thoughtful and have been such a help to me on hard days when I feel like no one else remembers my sweet heaven kids.<br />
*Rachel B: We've been friends for, what, EVER? We've lost touch sometimes over the years but you've ALWAYS been there for me. Always. When I was pregnant with Trent and scared, you were there. When I got married, you were there. And now, when I feel bad, you're there! I love you!<br />
*Roxie F: Lord knows you have problems of your own! Some downright comical and some so sad and frustrating they HAVE to be comical or they'd be too damn depressing to bear. Yet you've told me time and again that just because you have things going on doesn't mean you can't be there for me. Even better, you've SHOWN me that's totally true! I know we don't see each other enough but I love all the crazy escapades we've had and I wouldn't trade a second of any of the crazy times we've had together. Love you, Julian, and Jane.<br />
*Nicole W: The thing I love the most about you is that you always have a kind word and you have the amazing gift of EMPATHY. You don't say "I know how you feel" you say "I can't imagine how that feels". That means so much to me that you understand the difference yet always have a kind and encouraging word even though you haven't been in this situation. I'm lucky to have you for a cousin! Love you!<br />
*Christina H: You used to be my husband's cousin, but now you are MY FRIEND. I am so grateful for you and am so happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other and hang out. Our times together have been a blast. I also LOVE the necklace you made me and it's so nice to have something tangible to put on, look at, and touch when I need something to remind me of my other 2 kiddos.<br />
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(wow, this list has gotten WAY longer than I thought). I know there are TONS more I'm missing. So thank you ten times over for reading, commenting, messaging, sending cards, any and every show of support has been SO APPRECIATED and has helped me SO MUCH. I love all of you!<br />
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Nextly, (there's more?!)<br />
here are a couple of secrets and maybe a little clarification as to why a couple of my more recent entries were a little bitter:<br />
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A LONG time ago (like, several months before Taylor came, then went), I had a dream that I had triplets. At the time, I was mortified by the idea and was also bewildered as I was pretty much over the idea of having ANY more children, let alone THREE. In the dream, we had turned the whole large section of the basement into one huge nursery and I had these 3 babies I was thrilled to have. I still have NO idea where the idea of triplets would've come from or what possessed me to be thinking of this while I was in dreamland, but it's always been in a little corner of my mind ever since. When I found out I was pregnant the first time again, I almost half expected there to be more than one baby. One of the first things I asked the ultrasound tech (somewhat disappointedly) was, "so, there's just one?" The next time, I had a feeling I might be having twins. I'm still not convinced Tristan didn't have a brother or sister in there with him before our ultrasound. Anyway, this idea of "my triplets" is something that I kinda/sorta (am I CRAZY?!) want. I just can't shake it. So, in October (trying to think of how to word this somewhat delicately without entering TMI territory), despite the fact that I was sorta actively trying to prevent becoming pregnant (since I'm convinced-ish that any pregnancy would result in losing it so I kind of feel like a selfish murderer if I try again without nailing down some more answers as to what the heck is wrong), I realized that we could POSSIBLY become pregnant that month. I sort of half expected to, and didn't really know how to feel about it. THEN, one day I got SICK. Like, fine, perfectly fine, then nauseous ended up puking my guts out sick. If it was something like morning sickness, it would've been EARLY. But... not impossible. The idea of this being the case was kind of exciting because I was sick as hell with Trent and Taryn but not at all with Taylor and Tristan so I thought, maybe if I WAS pregnant, and if I was experiencing morning sickness at 3 weeks, the pregnancy might last and also, MAYBE the super early morning sickness could be due to having more than one (for instance, "my triplets") in there, causing hormones and symptoms to go crazy. A week later, my period was due but hadn't come yet, and I was nauseous AGAIN. And, literally as I was googling "morning sickness at 3 weeks (and totally getting my hopes up), my period came, crushing my hopes. 3 days later, I found out that someone I know and see quite a lot is pregnant and I just was crushed. It was a VERY BAD NIGHT. Then I had some pretty rough posts. There's my big secret(s)! :/<br />
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Thanks for reading, that might've been the longest post in the history of blogging! (Please don't forget about the first section, and leave me a comment!)Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-6285902394610144092012-11-14T11:47:00.000-07:002012-11-14T11:47:14.344-07:00Mis... conceptionsI know I tend to seem very vocal and oftentimes really bitter or harsh or angry, but the truth is, that's just a little piece of me and my feelings. I don't really have an easy time saying what's on my mind, or sharing secrets, or trusting people, so I usually just don't. I'm sure after some of the things I've said in this space, that seems hard to believe, but it's always been easier for me to write... even if I know it's not anonymous. I get that people will see what I post and that some people will "get" exactly what I'm attempting to explain, and some people will maybe think I'm looking for sympathy, and some people will think that I'm mean or bitter or angry, or some people might take offense or think that I'm a hateful person, and I understand why any of those scenarios would be plausible. The thing that I guess even I'm just realizing about some of the things I've said is that it's just a small piece of how I actually feel. Also, most posts are stemmed by... something. And I usually don't explain what that "something" specifically is because I do not want to point fingers or call people out or say, "I was upset by such and so because blah de blah," so I say general things and then people just assume I'm only referring to them. So I'll clarify, a little. I still don't want to be specific, but I will say that I'm not UNHAPPY for people who are pregnant. Now, obviously I'd be lying my ass off if I said I was always super thrilled and not jealous or even sometimes angry. Not angry at specific people, but angry because that's not how it's going for me and sometimes it's hard to see other people experience this when, for some reason, my family is not. I think sometimes it's pretty easy to guess where a single post might have come from [seeing facebook pregnancy announcements (plurally, being the operative idea there, seeing 5 in one week is what's overwhelming, not one and then I'm pissed) or a friend who is unhappy for whatever sex of baby she's having, etc], but sometimes there is a lot more behind what I say than I explain or let on. So I might say, "I want to scream that I don't care who's pregnant" and it LOOKS like I hate all pregnant people or never want to hear about them or be supportive or excited, but part of what's behind that is actually the frustration I have when people really close to me, even family, are constantly telling me who's pregnant or what's going on with a pregnancy or email me deets about a new baby on a day when it's REALLY hard for me to hear it (like the anniversary of Taylor's due date), and I want to scream AT THEM. NOT at the person who is having or has had a baby. There are some people I guess I just assume should KNOW that it would be hard for me and I figure it'd be common sense for them to just NOT say anything to me about stuff like that, but they do, and my frustration and irritation is ON THEM, not on the person they are telling me about. (And this generally isn't referring to friends telling me about other friends or someone they know or something they heard. I can HANDLE knowing babies exist and do funny and cute and awesome things). And sometimes, it's true, A single pregnancy upsets me, but it's not the person or their baby but where my mind goes when I find out. The upset is about my circumstance, not them. For instance, I recently found out that someone I frequently see is pregnant, and I watched her in a situation do modified things because of it, and then my mind started on me and I started thinking of all the things that SHOULD be different for me right now and how MY situation would be totally different if I were still pregnant. Sometimes I have no control over something that will trigger me to have thoughts about "what should have been." So I'm not MAD at that single person for having a baby, I'm mad at my situation and the fact that I am not, and I should be. And I know it's silly to constantly dwell on SHOULDS, but it's hard not to sometimes, and it's hard not to wonder what might have been, and it's hard to watch someone else be pregnant and know that should be me. Right now. I should have been in her shoes and it was really hard not to be. And people saw the upset on my face, but I couldn't say, "I'm not having a hard time because we're doing something difficult, I'm having a hard time because your wife is pregnant!" So, I let people think whatever they wanted to, but the truth was, I was having a hard time because my mind UNEXPECTEDLY started thinking deeper about how far along I'd be, and how EVERYTHING would be different for me at that time. To top it off, I THEN thought, I'm really happy to be where I am and doing what I'm doing and then I felt even WORSE because it was almost like I was happy I wasn't pregnant because I wouldn't be where I was if I still was pregnant. And of course, it's not like I'd pick being able to do something over being able to have another baby, but that guilt was there. I never know what is going to trigger those thoughts, and sometimes, it's the new knowledge that someone is having a baby that does it. Then it seems like I am unhappy FOR THEM or mad AT THEM, but that simply is not the case. Sometimes when I write I don't clarify enough, mainly because I know that ANYONE could be reading and I DON'T want them to assume it's ABOUT THEM. What I write is about me. And I KNOW it can be bitter and not pretty, but it is honest and I know a lot of women who have been in my shoes can relate. And I say what I say and sometimes I say seemingly nasty things for 2 main reasons: I want people who are like I used to be, who thought losing a baby was something you just get over and try again, to UNDERSTAND that it's hard and devestating, and know that the miscarriage wasn't just "tissue," it was a person, it was hopes and dreams, it was someone's CHILD. You can't recover that! Secondly, I want to be a voice for people who don't think it's ok to feel what they feel after going through this, and I want someone who's been through it to see ALL of how I've felt, and to know that it's NORMAL to have a hard time and that it's OK! So, I am not going to stop being honest, but I do want everyone to know that I AM mindful that anyone could see this and some people might not totally understand where I am coming from or all the reasons why I say what I say, so I will try to be more clear, or less general, or give a better explaination to WHAT some of the things were that are behind what I'm saying. It's not my intent to hurt people or take away their joy, it's my intent to express what I'm going through and what's upsetting to me. I'll try to be better about explaining WHY.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-21183055993902487702012-11-08T22:35:00.000-07:002012-11-08T22:35:29.542-07:00The Shit the World Keeps Piling on that Breaks Your Heart<br />
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*Sorry for the sideways pic, it was drawn about 5/16 or 5/17/12... After we lost Tristan but before we had the guts to tell the kids. As you can see, Taryn drew me (pregnant) and her holding hands, and wrote "I love you mamma, hopefully it goes well." I don't think anything, ever, has made me more sad than this sweet, innocent drawing.</div>
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*I know no one thinks that their pregnancy is going to offend someone, and I guess it doesn't, necessarily, but it just gets overwhelming. The newest facebook announcement, the latest comments, the texts saying, "I'm having contractions," the "guess who's having a baby?" And I really, really, really want to SCREAM sometimes. Sometimes I want to say, "I don't CARE who's pregnant, I'm not happy for them, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" But holy shit, if I said THAT, I might OFFEND someone. I might make someone UNCOMFORTABLE. Hell, I might even make someone FEEL BAD. Cuz obviously getting the "there's no heartbeat" announcement, or, worse, literally seeing your baby come out of you, tiny, helpless, and dead, felt fuckin' awesome. I just HATE to have to make anyone feel awkward for 2 seconds about my inconvenient dead babies.</div>
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*the genetic test results which, A. say "missed abortion" (i didn't miss shit, 4 days after we had a heartbeat, I had the baby fall into the toilet- too graphic? oops) and B. refer to MY CHILD as the "products of conception." PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?! This "product" had a beating heart! Hello!!</div>
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*telling someone that you told someone the truth (instead of that you were sick or on vacation) and they say, "you TOLD her?" I'd just been through hell and back, and now I have to make up some wild story about it, too? What the HELL is wrong with our society that someone can't say, "my baby died" and then have FEELINGS about that, too?</div>
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*people who say stupid shit like, "please stop making me nauseous, baby" "I hate having to pee all the time" "I'm having a terrible boy" "I didn't want another baby" etc, etc. Know what's worse than having pregnancy symptoms? NOT having them cause your baby died. Know what's worse than a terrible boy? A dead boy. Stupid shit also includes, but I'm SURE is not limited to:</div>
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*next time we'll make sure you don't lift anything heavy</div>
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*I'm glad it happened early on</div>
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*there was probably something wrong with the baby</div>
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*why are you dwelling on this</div>
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*you should be happy for such-and-so, they had a hard pregnancy</div>
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*this makes you appreciate your kids more (actually, I feel like it's opposite- it makes me hurt to know what I'm missing out on even more)</div>
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*you should be grateful for the kids you have (keep THAT in mind the next time YOU lose a loved one, k? "welp, mom died, but my dad is still alive. cool.")</div>
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(yes, I personally have heard ALL of these, and more, I'm sure, from my besties, my family, the people I love the most. Yes, I GET that they were "well meaning" but this all still HURTS. So, if you read this, and you know someone else who loses a baby, do NOT say any of these things)</div>
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So... why am I a little mad at the world? Because people think it's ok and normal to push miscarriages under the rug like they're no big deal. It negates the feelings and pain of millions of people who had hopes and dreams about their child but were left with NOTHING tangible. A couple ultrasound photos, maybe genetic results, IF THEY ARE LUCKY. Mostly, you get your hopes and dreams crushed in one terrible moment and a whirlwind of what the heck just happened to me? The knowledge that you WERE pregnant and now you're not (was it all just a dream, you've got nothing to prove it wasn't). Then you get to live in a world where babies are just so freaking great and you should just be tickled fricken pink to be SURROUNDED by ladies who are having or have just had babies and it makes you feel like this miracle gets to happen to everyone on the planet BUT YOU. To top it off you are told it wasn't your fault but then you (more times than not) are given no answers as to what happened (you're just told some bullshit about "genetic abnormalities" even though TONS of tested babies are perfect). Heaven forbid you get pregnant again, because it's so not fun, and that's not how it should be. You don't tell people because you're terrified and you don't want to untell them. Then you lose the baby and no one knows that baby even existed so they say stuff like, "I'm so jealous you can drink" 4 days after and you want to choke them even though they're one of your favorite family members so you just choke down your sangria and go cry and bleed in the bathroom by yourself. So, yeah, those are a couple of reasons why it seems like the world is ganging up on me to make me a little crazy, and a lot sad.</div>
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Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-22245217299770749482012-10-16T22:37:00.000-06:002012-10-16T22:38:44.487-06:00Their Names AreRyan strongly feels like Taylor is a girl; so her middle name is Elizabeth. If we find out Taylor is a he when we get to heaven, his middle name will be Eli. The second baby was a boy, and we've decided we like Tristan. Since most of us have A middle names, we thought about A names we like, and I suggested Amir. So now our 2 heaven babies have full names.<br />
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I love you, Taylor Elizabeth and Tristan Amir!Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-55589299020598239102012-10-16T22:15:00.002-06:002012-10-16T22:15:51.333-06:00Scared Half to DeathJessica Ridgeway.<br />
What else is there to say?<br />
<br />
A ten year old little precious baby walking to school, kidnapped, ultimately murdered, dismembered. SICK. It absolutely BLOWS my mind that such a sick fuck could do this!! And, unfortunately, it happened super close to home. She was taken near Trent's school. Found near where we live. No suspects, no nothing. I'm absolutely petrified to let my kids out of my sight. <br />
<br />
This person took a precious child not only from her mother and father and other family members, her friends, and her classmates, but also her community. <br />
<br />
And how could any parent in this community be anything BUT terrified?!<br />
<br />
I hope she is resting in peace and the disgusting, demented individual who did this is caught soon.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-11318280584717727422012-10-16T22:09:00.001-06:002012-10-16T22:09:24.101-06:00I've been thinking (oh, boy)Lately, I've been thinking, and I'm pretty sure that I'd like to have a baby.<br />
<br />
That's all.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-81185495869639399242012-10-01T13:25:00.000-06:002012-10-01T13:25:21.424-06:00Rude AnnouncementI'm super freakin' sick of the cutsie "i'm having a baby" facebook announcements (in the form of "our kid is going to be a sibling", "dear baby, quit making me naseous", etc), and if i see another one anytime soon i'm going to scream, vomit, and/or stab myself. THERE. I said it. Also, i hate each and every person who is stupid enough to announce it the second they find out to the whole stupid world because i just KNOW everything will be fine for them. Not that i want things to go wrong for anyone, i just wish it could've gone right for me. Also, to the dumbasses who have unfriended me due to links to my blog, IT'S NOT PERSONAL. You've got a baby and you think i'm talking about you?! I'M NOT. I'm talking to the world, which sometimes feels like it's piling up and shitting directly on me. You think some of my posts are unpleasant to read for 5 minutes? Imagine living it every second of every day.Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-23386881070326664572012-09-14T12:19:00.003-06:002012-09-14T12:19:38.733-06:00copying my other blog, just so EVERYONE knowslast nights post was read differently than i intended for it to be, so let me clarify:<br />
<br />
I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE. I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.<br />
<br />
OK?Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-89117922854116854262012-09-09T20:13:00.001-06:002012-09-09T20:13:49.929-06:00New Pictures <p><a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWiHwRQXfB-TQEZr78ckN7LoGUcEhnwbewRqYOECZwheLZEPECm8it-0RkkS-tQ1tOaiwPGihp3IesN92MTscTqxezfabIXGG91dZFy1eL9qH_2PEXYUgIeR0gm4OueY_fAytD3nW5RAI/s0/OurAngels1.jpg'><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhWiHwRQXfB-TQEZr78ckN7LoGUcEhnwbewRqYOECZwheLZEPECm8it-0RkkS-tQ1tOaiwPGihp3IesN92MTscTqxezfabIXGG91dZFy1eL9qH_2PEXYUgIeR0gm4OueY_fAytD3nW5RAI/s400/OurAngels1.jpg' /></a></p><p><a href='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghHfuYc6LEASrDTAi6kIlum4wEcqUO3D1Yfg8dGgSQuU75j_NXqywcHsMre4xs1s3VNaL-ZztQij-zFATR2RlaNus_WWYgS6DL62OQK-lacMsu6Se1nzMeypkY0PjIHW0r6lwN0vFtho4/s0/Taylor.jpg'><img src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEghHfuYc6LEASrDTAi6kIlum4wEcqUO3D1Yfg8dGgSQuU75j_NXqywcHsMre4xs1s3VNaL-ZztQij-zFATR2RlaNus_WWYgS6DL62OQK-lacMsu6Se1nzMeypkY0PjIHW0r6lwN0vFtho4/s400/Taylor.jpg' /></a></p><p>I had her caption it "our angels" because we hadn't decided on a name for our sweet boy yet, but we talked it over last night and decided on a name [I'll tell ya it later ;)]. And now that they both have full names, I can get a stone butterfly for him and his name in the sand. I can't wait! (just waiting to tell our families the names first). I have 4 amazing kids, God has certainly blessed us. And thanks, of course, to Carly Marie Dudley and her BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING work! I love these butterflies!</p>
<div style='clear: both; text-align: center; font-size: xx-small;'>Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.8</div>Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-72430063261559688632012-08-13T21:31:00.000-06:002012-08-13T21:52:40.602-06:002 Years Ago...2 years ago I just knew everything with my little "nugget" was going to be just fine<br />
I was going to see him or her on the ultrasound and know they were ok<br />
I got up on that table, excited to see my baby<br />
and then I had the wind knocked out of me with the words,<br />
"there is no heartbeat, and no movement"<br />
<br />
2 years ago I smoked a cigarette with a friend who came over just to give me a hug<br />
I watched "man on fire" with my husband and knew I'd never want to watch it again<br />
I cried and cried, wondering if it hurt my baby when their heart stopped<br />
I wondered why<br />
<br />
2 years ago I never thought I would be able to get past the pain<br />
and I certainly never thought I would have the strength to do it all over again<br />
I thought, this has happened to other people more than once, I don't know how they can do it<br />
<br />
2 years ago we said goodbye<br />
way too soon, no one wanted to<br />
<br />
2 years ago we found out our baby died<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA9o7-JYTPfsws7lN2AgvnSww4u1omaTL2Fs_cBsKB0pBQe1cI1EYRN3pTK6QdZzXgKPzJ0MY1QUWeLdKC-27rKMyzXkPicwPVqOECUkFDknU-zv7TBCtZemVx4NSGpuQvZrDZnNGpicM/s1600/Taylor+(1).jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjA9o7-JYTPfsws7lN2AgvnSww4u1omaTL2Fs_cBsKB0pBQe1cI1EYRN3pTK6QdZzXgKPzJ0MY1QUWeLdKC-27rKMyzXkPicwPVqOECUkFDknU-zv7TBCtZemVx4NSGpuQvZrDZnNGpicM/s320/Taylor+(1).jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-64812468586588643382012-07-25T21:56:00.000-06:002012-07-25T21:56:05.968-06:0016 months, 17 (18?) weeks, one day at a timeIf Taylor had lived, she would be 16 months. My life would be SO different. I can't even fathom... Sleepless nights, baby toys strewn about, constantly having to keep an eye on her, baby pictures on the wall, hooded bath towels, diapers, baby food, sippy cups, my first attempt at breast feeding, car seats, blues clues, the list goes on and on. So much of that little little kid stage, I don't even remember. What would it all be like with a little one in the house (in the car, in the family)? <br />
<br />
If lil man would have lived, I'd be 17 weeks (?) along. Well, according to my dates, I'd be 18 weeks today. According to the ultrasound, I'd have been 17 weeks yesterday. That's actually something I forgot to mention; according to a lot of the information I found, triploidies tend to be smaller- significantly so, even from the get go. Perhaps this is why he was measuring 6 days behind on the ultrasound. That convolutes things for me, though, because it makes it harder to know how far I really was, what date to consider my due date, etc. I think Ryan and I kind of agreed that it made sense to go off the ultrasound, but I also KNOW there was no way that date could've been correct. However, since that's what the ultrasound was measuring and since it was such a cool date, I'm cool going with it- New Years Day, 2013. According to the first date of my last period, he would have been due the day after Christmas. This also makes it kinda tough to pick out birthstone jewelry- should I have banked on December or January? Who knew one week in the life of a baby who couldn't stay would make such a difference? Yet, it does. At least to me. The due date and the date you say goodbye are all you get; not having one be definite is sort of devastating. Was my date right, or theirs (I'd think it was likely in the middle)? Would he have been a Christmas baby or a New Years one (either way would have been so cool)? Should I be 17 weeks or 18 weeks pregnant? Did I lose him at 7 weeks or 8? A week can go by in a blink, but now it makes all the difference, and I just don't know.<br />
<br />
What I do know is that I said goodbye May 15: 10 weeks and 1 day ago. I haven't had a big breakdown (yet). I HAVE had more moments where I'm offended just by the MENTION of a baby. IT HURTS. It's so hard and I have no idea when (or if, or how) I'll get to the point where I'm... ok. I don't even want to be NEAR (like, within a mile radius) of a child under 2 or a pregnant woman. Especially not one of those dippy broads who's stomach is on display like some beacon in the night, while she smiles and "glows" like, "oh, isn't it sooooo great that I'm pregnant?" I HATE those oblivious, happy, isn't-it-great that I'm pregnant ladies. I seriously wish I had some type of glasses I could wear that just blocked out little children and preggo ladies so I didn't even have to deal with their existence. Ridiculous, I know. I feel like a 3 year old even thinking it, but there it is. <br />
<br />
But, I've made it almost 2 years since we said good bye to Taylor and 2 months since we said good bye to our little boy, and I have the "what ifs" of the idea of a 16 month old and an 18 week (or so) pregnancy, and here I am. I am alive. It's all happened one day (sometimes one second) at a time. I guess I've just got to keep taking it breath by breath...Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-48038444364129927952012-07-24T22:09:00.001-06:002012-07-24T22:09:30.698-06:00It's A (Triploid) Boy!He was a boy. Well, an XXY male. Why XXY you ask? Because he was (probably) a triploid. A what? Yeah, I had never heard of triploidy, either. Because the initial genetic testing yielded no results (which we were warned may happen), the doctor ordered a different test, called FISH, to "rule out" the 3 most common fatal trisomies, 13, 18, and 21, and also for the X&Y to be looked at. Instead of ruling these problems out, ALL 3 (4, with the sex chromosomes) were ruled IN as "abnormal", with 3 sex chromosomes and 3 chromosomes on 13, 18, AND 21. Conclusion? "These studies demonstrate three signals for FISH probes specific for chromosome 13, 18, and 21 in this sample. Two signals for the X chromosome and a single Y signal are also present. These results are consistent with a triploid fetus... Triploidy is observed in approximately 20% of chromosomally abnormal spontaneous abortuses." What the heck does this mean? It means somehow, through either an error in cell division, an egg which somehow had 46 chromosomes already, or by a single egg being fertilized by 2 sperm, the baby LIKELY had 69 chromosomes instead of the normal human 46. Many people have heard of trisomies (like 21, down syndrome), which is an extra chromosome at ONE point, this special lil' guy had a full extra set of chromosomes (most likely). I keep saying "most likely" because we didn't get a karyotype of the baby, JUST the markers for these specific chromosomes, which all showed an extra; therefore, he LIKELY had an extra full set of chromosomes, making him a triploid.<br />
<br />
We have yet to speak with a genetic counselor about what this all means, but from what I could find (you KNOW I've been researching everything I can find about this), it is rare, unlikely to happen again, and not inherited or anything we could have prevented. Moving forward, this almost makes things more confusing for me, though. Not because of what we know about him, but because of what we DON'T know about Taylor. All I know about Taylor is that she didn't live. I don't know if something was "wrong" with her and I never will. Don't get me wrong, it's AWESOME to have an answer this time. But not knowing what, why, how, when with my first loss makes it scary to try again. There are just still so many unknowns in the mix. Could we be one of the VERY few unlucky who has this happen twice? (The odds of that are like being struck by lightning twice- not good). Was something different wrong with Taylor? Was she totally fine and we just don't KNOW what went wrong? Was MY health a factor in one or both losses? I read somewhere that autoimmune disease can CAUSE genetic abnormalities- did this happen to both of my babies, and will it happen to another? Then there's the whole "what the heck is wrong with me, anyway?" issue. We SUSPECT that I have some sort of autoimmune related illness, that doesn't necessarily make it so. So yeah- ugh! Kinda SUPER frustrating! At this point, I'm basically waiting for a sign from God one way or the other. I know that before, I sounded hell bent on having a healthy baby but now I. JUST. DON'T. KNOW. ANYMORE. After Taylor I always said it "doesn't feel up to me." Now, it REALLY doesn't feel up to me. So, I'm just kinda waiting for some clear sign either way. If God wants me to have a baby (or, please, no, do this again) then I am up for heeding his call. If not, not. I really don't want to do this again, AND I'm starting to have some of those "I don't know if I want to start all over" doubts. So as glad as I am to have ANSWERS this time (and did I mention?! he's a BOY! so super stoked to know), I AM LOST! Please pray for me, because I really, really, really need some help trying to decide what to do moving forward.<br />
<br />Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-3275772595833313878.post-42469430989616759442012-07-11T18:29:00.000-06:002012-07-11T18:29:53.096-06:00I'm Not the Person......to be complaining to that you're unhappy with the sex of your (healthy, living) unborn baby!<br />
<br />
I hate to do so many complainer posts, but JEEZ!!! Obviously, this is geared toward one person, so I'll use my disclaimer here that I'm PRETTY sure she'll never read this. On the flip side, if you're one of those jackasses who does this, DON'T! <br />
<br />
It happened like this. I got a random text from an old friend who did the typical back and forth, "how are you? What's up? What's new? How are the kids?" (I knew she was pregnant so I tried to avoid that topic, and I knew she DIDN'T know about the second baby. But she should've known about the first). Then it came, "I'm due blah blah time." I TRIED. So hard. "Oh, cool, I have a friend who's kid was born that day, she's awesome. Do you know what you're having?" "A horrible boy." STILL, I tried. I even gave her the benefit of the doubt that she tried to write little, or awesome, or something other than horrible. "Boys are fun!" I replied. "That's what people say, but it doesn't make it any better." Welp, that did it! But still, I was nice. "Well, after losing 2, I'd be happy with any baby who could stay, but I remember thinking boys would be weird when I was pregnant with Trent, but he's been nothing but awesome." No reply. Made me laugh, kinda.<br />
<br />
But this is what I really wish I would've said.<br />
<br />
"Look, you selfish ass, lots of people can't have babies, or have trouble having babies, or would do ANYTHING to have a baby. Some people lose babies, and go through hell wondering why they're not pregnant. And they definitely DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING A PERFECT LITTLE CREATURE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE "WRONG" SEX SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GROW UP AND BE HAPPY THAT YOU GET TO HAVE A HEALTHY BABY WHEN LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T!"<br />
<br />
Just sayin'Alexhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14957975876378362181noreply@blogger.com0