Yay, Summer???

Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited that it's summer.  BUT...

1.  I always THINK we're gonna do this, this, this, and that.  Then, it's a week before school starts and I realize we haven't done ANY of it.  So, I made a to-do list, hoping that seeing it in my little notebook will keep me motivated to actually DO many of the fun things on the list, which include:
*see my friend Patrick's newest play
*go on tours of Coors (which I haven't done since I was about 12) and of the celestial seasonings factory (which I got ditched out on the couple of times my mom went, when Trent was too young to go)
*join the summer reading programs and actually take advantage of the fun (FREE!) events they have going on throughout the summer for the kids
*go to Elitches, Water World, Lakeside, et cetera- and maybe even splurge for the front-of-the line passes so those days will be really fun, even if they're a tad pricey

2.  I kept telling myself that I would start feeling (physically) better by summer.  I don't.  Son-of-a..... Ryan is convinced that I have lupus, and I'm pretty sure he's right.

3.  Along with #2, people with lupus have a higher risk of miscarriage, so:
A.  If I'd have known I possibly had lupus before (and there WERE signs), is there something I could've done to help my baby Taylor? and
B.  I'm not getting pregnant, or trying to, ever again, if it means my chance of not having a baby is higher.  I can't do it.  I am in awe of those who have gone through it more than once.  I won't. and
C.  dealing will all the s**t that comes along with being sick enough to feel awful EVERY day, and with the emotional aspect of this all is taking a GIGANTIC toll on me.  I'm gonna have to see a dr.  But I'm scared.  And it's a let-down to know that even if I wanted to try for another baby (which I don't know about anymore), I'm not prepared to deal with doing so.

4.  Well...
I'm afraid this is going to sound superstitious and downright absurd, but it's been on my mind ever since last summer.  In 2009, J.J. died on August 15, my cousin died 2 weeks before that.  In 2010, I lost my baby on August 13, an old friend died 2 weeks after that.  I feel like there's this black cloud over my head and I'm really just paranoid as all get out that something awful is going to happen again at the end of the summer.  I mean, I'm not sitting around counting days til something bad happens, but it does cross my mind.  I can't take another terrible summer ending.  Like I said, it sounds paranoid, silly, so on...
I can't help it!

So my hopes and prayers are that I will spend this summer with my family doing fun things, feeling decent, and not worrying about how THIS August will go.

Wish me luck.

My Day

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to treat myself to a day where I could relax, have fun, and do whatever I felt like.  Ryan had left that day for Canada (for a work trip), and since he'd be gone all week, I was going to work Tuesday through Friday mornings so that I could be home with the kids every night.  I figured since I only had one day that week to myself while the kids were at school, I should forget about errands and housework and bills and chores, and do something fun for myself.  This day also happened to be the 13th, one month since I had found out about Taylor.  I didn't do it on purpose, but it ended up being a theraputic day when I really needed one.  After I dropped the kids off at school, I came back home, had breakfast, and got ready for the day.  I went walking with Andrea (which we haven't been able to do as regularly as we used to), and then I went to the mall.  I knew I was going to treat myself to a massage (love the Chinese backrub place)!  I had about half an hour to kill so I decided to walk a couple of laps around the mall.  We walk there in the winter, so it was fun to see some of the regular people walking who I have missed seeing all spring and summer.  Once the backrub place opened, I jumped, I had been eagerly waiting for them to open!  Initially I decided on a half hour massage, knowing that when they offered another 15 minutes for a foot and leg rub, I'd more than likely say yes.  I've been so tense lately (even more than usual) and this 45 minutes undid a lot of stress and anxiety.  Then, I went next store to the paint your own pottery studio.  I browsed around for a long time before I picked out a spoon rest for myself, a mug to make for my mom's birthday, and a skull for a halloween decoration.  I was feeling hesistant and uncreative but once I got started, it was relaxing.  I haven't had such a good time in a long time.  I started with my spoon rest, which I was trying to make kind of quirky and Mary Engelbreiht-esque.  It didn't exactly turn out that way, but I think it's kind of cute.  

Next, I did the mug for my mom.  It's not her birthday yet, so I'm not going to describe it or put up a picture.  I didn't end up having enough time for the skull, maybe I can go back sometime soon.  Honestly, I had no idea how relaxing and fun it would be to just sit and paint for a couple hours.  They had 50s on 5 on the radio, and it was fun to listen to some quality music while the only worry I had was to have fun for a while.  Paint (clearly) isn't my strongest creative medium, but having the opportunity to free my mind from the hectic everyday tasks (and all the sadness, stress, and anxiety) was one of the best things I could have done that day.  After I was done painting, I treated myself to some lunch.  Sometimes eating out alone can be awkward, but I was in such a good mood, it felt nice to just continue relaxing and doing whatever I felt like. 

While it was a simple day, it was also one of the best days I've ever had.  I've decided to do it more often, hopefully about once a month.  It may not always be possible to do it on the 13th, but I think I am going to try to do it then as much as possible.  I hope I have more great days like this to write about soon!