I'm on a computer all day at work, so, honestly, I haven't wanted to blog AT ALL. And I kind of don't now but I happened to be on here and it's been a loooooooong time, so here's a quick update in bullet points. I'm hoping this will give me a jumping off point to get in depth later!
*work is still... yeah... I dunno. Still learning, still struggling a bit, still hoping I'll get better, still not thrilled with the hours. Trying harder and gradually improving, but not where I thought I'd be 6 months in... workin' on it!
*wanting a baby status: over it.
*sad about Taylor and Tristan: getting much better. Less bitter. Easier to cry when I think of them but strangely that's helpful. Not like I bawl daily, just actually letting myself feel when the it comes up.
*other babies: easier. Still not always that easy. More "wow what a cute baby" moments and less "I hate you for having a baby" moments. Still removing people from my facebook news feed THE first time I see the "having a baby" posts. Actually caring about them and checking up on them on my time/terms.
*black belt: earned.
*marriage: work in progress. I don't touch on it much here and I don't want to air other's issues, but I'll say there have been a lot of struggles in the last year or so. I'm learning a lot about myself and how to be a better person through it, though, and I think that's important and worth mentioning.
*friends: miss them! no time. burning out kinda fast with everything. NEED MORE TIME WITH FRIENDS
*life: need a better balance/to prioritize.
*church: zoning out a bit. definitely need to improve my relationship with God!
*health: meh. gaining weight, hate that! chronic pain not AS bad. gland stuff, icky and not very good. Jaw tense and awful. upper back full o' knots.
*pets: Taryn's 3 frogs all died, but... we got a little doggie!!! She's a 4 year old shih Tzu named Coco and I loooooove her!
*Trent: outgrew me!
*survived: 3 year anniversary of saying bye to Taylor (8/13/10).
*revelation: losing a grandchild is hard for grandparents. watching their kids want kids is hard for parents. my m.i.l. is awesome and strong and also probably really struggling watching us lose kids and another one long for them!
*looking forward to: going to Glenwood Springs with Ryan to celebrate our anniversary this weekend. Hot springs and delicious food, here I come!
30 October 2013
30 May 2013
Update. Part 1 of ???: New Job
Many of you know that I have spent the last bazillion or so years working in restaurants. Mainly at Perkins (12 1/2 years), and then at Mimi's Cafe (with many of the Perkins crew) for the past 2 years. Many of you also know that I have never wanted to make a career out of this profession and have been burned out for almost as many years as I have been doing it in the first place. Was it all bad? No, absolutely not. I met many great people, I made good money, the hours were totally flexible around school and my kids, and, frankly, I was really good at it. I don't usually toot my own horn, but let's just be honest. Maybe not so much at Mimi's, but certainly at Perkins, I was totally the bomb at this job. But, it wasn't challenging and it got to the point where I didn't enjoy it, at all. I enjoyed the regulars, and I still miss them. But, there is a lot of drama and ridiculousness that comes with restaurant work, and I don't like drama or ridiculousness. Plus, it is physically and mentally demanding. And, at Mimi's, I felt totally unappreciated AND I felt like I was just wasting my time because it was far away. I wasn't totally opposed to working in a restaurant or bar but didn't see the point in driving 20 miles away to do it when I didn't really have a reason to. That's why I decided to just give up. Really, I could sugar coat it, but why? That really is what happened. I was just done. So, one day, out of the blue, I told my boss I needed to talk to him before he left for the day. He was like, "are you leaving us?" And all I could do was mockingly look at the ceiling and say, "uh huh." I gave my notice and hoped that, just once, the news wouldn't spread like wildfire. OF COURSE, in a restaurant, that was totally wishful thinking. Within a shift or two, people would trickle to me, "Don't leave," "are you really leaving us?" uh, yeah, I had to. I didn't have anything else lined up, I didn't have a plan of action, I didn't know where to start or what I wanted to look for but I just had to GO. I figured it would be a kick in pants because "job search" had been a line item on my to-do list for years, and IT NEVER GOT DONE. It never even really got started.
For one (scary) month, I was unemployed (NO, I couldn't afford it, et cetera et cetera, but I felt SO GOOD for that month anyway. The cloud of unhappiness and stress lifted almost completely). I looked online every day for jobs and was pleasantly surprised that there were some good ones out there. I got an interview for one that sounded AMAZING and had a screening interview but never even got a call back for a longer interview. I tried to be positive and told myself it just wasn't meant to be, that I just wasn't who they were looking for, and that it would be inconvenient anyway (and it would have been), but rejection still really sucks. Funny now though, because as down about it as I was at the time, I haven't even thought about it in probably 2 months until now. There really was something different out there for me. I applied to anything I thought MIGHT be feasible, because I figured if I felt I could be qualified for something, maybe someone else would think so, too. If not, at least I tried. I figured some no's were better than not even trying and I was right. I got a call from the manager at a bank that is less than 10 minutes away from my house, and I just had a good feeling about my first interview. I interviewed with the assistant manager and things went pretty well. She was super nice, and I was excited at the prospect of starting something completely different. She told me they had a few other interviews and I'd hear back within a couple of weeks, so I was pretty surprised when I got another call later that day from the manager asking if I could come in the next day to meet him. By the end of the interview, where I also had a chance to meet the banker and hear about the job I was interviewing for, he was like, "so, whaddaya want?" He agreed that my asking salary was reasonable and told me he'd check with his boss. That was Friday, and on Monday afternoon, I got a call from the assistant manager, offering me the job for roughly the salary I had requested.
About a month ago, I started. I have had a lot to learn and I have had a few struggles wondering if I did the right thing and if I am doing ok. Sometimes I feel like I am being compared to the other banker, who is a very confident young go-getter (with banking experience), and I really can't compare at this point. But I have taken it upon myself to learn as much as I can and keep as busy as I can and I think I'm doing ok. There's been a big learning curve and sometimes it's a little hard because I feel like I've been expected to figure a whole lot of it out on my own. But I know tons more than I did a month ago and I'm starting to feel more comfortable helping out some customers on my own. Today, I had someone call asking for me, and even though someone else was able to help him, it made me feel good that I was proficient enough when I had spoken with him before that he would ask for me again. I also spoke with another customer over the phone, a regular, who was very nice and thanked me profusely and said she hoped to make it in soon and meet me, so that was also really nice. It's nice to have that recognition and appreciation from the customers, but it also sucks when I don't know how to help them and they don't seem to understand that I am still learning and trying my best. I guess there is a lot of value in having a steep learning curve because as I make mistakes, I do get one heck of a learning experience from each and every one of them, but who likes to make mistakes?! Especially in front of customers, because, let's be honest, they don't care that I'm new, they care that I'm not able to help them that minute. I also have a little bit of a struggle because the managers both say things like, "oh, she won't be up and running on her own for a while" or "you still are struggling with ________________." Which is fine, I need to know how I can improve, but I also feel like I'm told something vaguely once and expected to remember how to do it some significant time later and that isn't very helpful. I also feel like I could be up and running if someone would just take the time to show me how to do a task, from start to finish and without controllable distractions, just once or twice. My training has been pretty scattered, so it's kind of hard to know what questions I'm supposed to ask when I open a new account, when I haven't seen that done but have been just told the steps. Geez, here I am just complaining! I didn't start this post with that intention at all, I just feel a little overwhelmed having so much to learn and I am a little bewildered that there isn't a better training plan in place so that tasks are learned in an orderly, and thorough, way. But, that's just at the branch level, and I do understand they are busy and have other things to do than just train me. On a higher note, they do offer an in-class banker school and I did the first week of that last week. It was actually fun and really helpful. It was also nice to get to meet other new(ish) bankers. It made me feel like I wasn't going through everything alone. I go back for the second part next week and can't wait to see all my new banker buddies again!
I guess... just wish me luck, say a little prayer that I learn quickly and get my confidence up some. I know I can do it, I just hope it will be soon, and very well. And that my coworkers will see it soon, too. I'm not asking for praise all day, everyday, but it'd be nice to feel like I had someone backing me up and rooting me on.
For one (scary) month, I was unemployed (NO, I couldn't afford it, et cetera et cetera, but I felt SO GOOD for that month anyway. The cloud of unhappiness and stress lifted almost completely). I looked online every day for jobs and was pleasantly surprised that there were some good ones out there. I got an interview for one that sounded AMAZING and had a screening interview but never even got a call back for a longer interview. I tried to be positive and told myself it just wasn't meant to be, that I just wasn't who they were looking for, and that it would be inconvenient anyway (and it would have been), but rejection still really sucks. Funny now though, because as down about it as I was at the time, I haven't even thought about it in probably 2 months until now. There really was something different out there for me. I applied to anything I thought MIGHT be feasible, because I figured if I felt I could be qualified for something, maybe someone else would think so, too. If not, at least I tried. I figured some no's were better than not even trying and I was right. I got a call from the manager at a bank that is less than 10 minutes away from my house, and I just had a good feeling about my first interview. I interviewed with the assistant manager and things went pretty well. She was super nice, and I was excited at the prospect of starting something completely different. She told me they had a few other interviews and I'd hear back within a couple of weeks, so I was pretty surprised when I got another call later that day from the manager asking if I could come in the next day to meet him. By the end of the interview, where I also had a chance to meet the banker and hear about the job I was interviewing for, he was like, "so, whaddaya want?" He agreed that my asking salary was reasonable and told me he'd check with his boss. That was Friday, and on Monday afternoon, I got a call from the assistant manager, offering me the job for roughly the salary I had requested.
About a month ago, I started. I have had a lot to learn and I have had a few struggles wondering if I did the right thing and if I am doing ok. Sometimes I feel like I am being compared to the other banker, who is a very confident young go-getter (with banking experience), and I really can't compare at this point. But I have taken it upon myself to learn as much as I can and keep as busy as I can and I think I'm doing ok. There's been a big learning curve and sometimes it's a little hard because I feel like I've been expected to figure a whole lot of it out on my own. But I know tons more than I did a month ago and I'm starting to feel more comfortable helping out some customers on my own. Today, I had someone call asking for me, and even though someone else was able to help him, it made me feel good that I was proficient enough when I had spoken with him before that he would ask for me again. I also spoke with another customer over the phone, a regular, who was very nice and thanked me profusely and said she hoped to make it in soon and meet me, so that was also really nice. It's nice to have that recognition and appreciation from the customers, but it also sucks when I don't know how to help them and they don't seem to understand that I am still learning and trying my best. I guess there is a lot of value in having a steep learning curve because as I make mistakes, I do get one heck of a learning experience from each and every one of them, but who likes to make mistakes?! Especially in front of customers, because, let's be honest, they don't care that I'm new, they care that I'm not able to help them that minute. I also have a little bit of a struggle because the managers both say things like, "oh, she won't be up and running on her own for a while" or "you still are struggling with ________________." Which is fine, I need to know how I can improve, but I also feel like I'm told something vaguely once and expected to remember how to do it some significant time later and that isn't very helpful. I also feel like I could be up and running if someone would just take the time to show me how to do a task, from start to finish and without controllable distractions, just once or twice. My training has been pretty scattered, so it's kind of hard to know what questions I'm supposed to ask when I open a new account, when I haven't seen that done but have been just told the steps. Geez, here I am just complaining! I didn't start this post with that intention at all, I just feel a little overwhelmed having so much to learn and I am a little bewildered that there isn't a better training plan in place so that tasks are learned in an orderly, and thorough, way. But, that's just at the branch level, and I do understand they are busy and have other things to do than just train me. On a higher note, they do offer an in-class banker school and I did the first week of that last week. It was actually fun and really helpful. It was also nice to get to meet other new(ish) bankers. It made me feel like I wasn't going through everything alone. I go back for the second part next week and can't wait to see all my new banker buddies again!
I guess... just wish me luck, say a little prayer that I learn quickly and get my confidence up some. I know I can do it, I just hope it will be soon, and very well. And that my coworkers will see it soon, too. I'm not asking for praise all day, everyday, but it'd be nice to feel like I had someone backing me up and rooting me on.
20 February 2013
bubble... burst!
"do you and your husband have any kids together?"
"just 2 dead ones."
sometimes being blunt is fun and kind of hilarious.
is it messed up that I think so? there's a tiny bit of very mean spirited satisfaction when I see that look of slight shock on someone's face when I'm actually honest. maybe part of it is that I just like to talk about my kids- ALL of them and I feel AWESOME when I do.
even if it makes someone squirm.
"just 2 dead ones."
sometimes being blunt is fun and kind of hilarious.
is it messed up that I think so? there's a tiny bit of very mean spirited satisfaction when I see that look of slight shock on someone's face when I'm actually honest. maybe part of it is that I just like to talk about my kids- ALL of them and I feel AWESOME when I do.
even if it makes someone squirm.
26 November 2012
A few posts in one
I would break these up into a few posts, but I'm rarely on the computer, and I feel like a lot of people don't follow very regularly and I don't want any of this to get missed, so I'm doing several posts in one. Since I'm sort of on the subject, I'll start with:
(to be read in a non-sarcastic, somewhat ironic or silly, I'm just being honest tone)
***Can those of you who actually DO follow, please click "follow" and then even leave me comments sometimes? The reasoning behind this request are many, which include me being somewhat needy (I guess) and throwing ALL this out there because sometimes, I really need to know that someone IS listening, does care, and that I don't have to always go through it all alone. Having 8 followers (which is a number that hasn't changed in 2 years), many of whom NEVER comment, make me feel like NO ONE IS LISTENING (or, reading). Ryan tells me all time, "you reach so many people, tons of people read your blog and care what you say." Uh, really? I can't tell when I get no comments on most posts. Furthermore, I really hate when people make excuses or reasons like "who would care what I think?" or "I don't want to comment on every post, you'll get sick of me." Um, no! Got something to say? I care! I care if you think I'm bein' a douche, I care if you think I've helped you be more caring, I care if you feel bad, I care if you think SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Wanna be supportive? Leave me a comment, lemme know! Wanna set me straight? Leave me a comment, lemme know! Wanna tell me I'm a whiner? Leave a comment... I can't/don't/won't know if you don't say so, and I don't (AT ALL) expect 100% support. I don't expect everyone to say "oh, honey, sweetie, baby cakes, poor you!" I've offended? Set me straight! I've given you something to think about? Tell me! You're so super sorry about what's happened to me? Please say so! (Sometimes I really need to hear it)...
Another reason for this request is because, even though sometimes I have angry, downright mean things to say, and sometimes they seem to be about someone specific, I am actually NOT that shitty of a person. I care who my audience is, so if I know what I'm thinking might hurt or offend someone, I will make a point to be more sensitive. Not that I'm necessarily going to censor myself, but the point of this blog is to be honest and let people know where my mind (SOMETIMES) goes; not to lose friends and piss people off. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest because I can get bogged down in negative emotions, then, sometimes weeks later, it's brought to my attention that I've hurt someone or was overly mean/rude/hateful. I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, however, there are times I just need to get. it. out. My feelings can be hell to live with sometimes, but they are not who I am. They come and go so quickly and seemingly without reason. One day I find out someone is pregnant and I'm thrilled and I think, "oh, maybe I'm starting to feel better," then the next day (or 5 minutes later), I see a pregnant stranger and want to kick her in the shin. Then I think, "DAMMIT! When will I feel ok?!" That got a little off track... oops. Anyway, all I'm TRYING to say is, I care who might be reading this and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for any reason. You're my friend or family member and you're preggo or have a new baby? I still love you! I AM happy for you! Sometimes it's a little hard for me, though. I'm not blogging to hurt your feelings, I promise!
Nextly, (sheesh, that first part was long),
I've said in the past that I don't want to call anyone out, but I was WRONG! So, here goes (in no particular order, and I'm sorry if I miss anyone):
* Jenny J: thank you for ALWAYS being there, and for not being afraid to say you're sorry or that you care. And, of, course, for the BEAUTIFUL cross stitch honoring Taylor (If you ever wanted to do another for Tristan-- in ALL your spare time--wink, wink...) But seriously, you've been an amazing source of support.
*Chris W: sometimes the things I write you could take such offense to, and you don't, and I can't tell you HOW MUCH that means! I LOVE YOU for taking the time to let me know when you've read and try to cheer me up, and I hope you know I LOOOOVVVVE those beautiful babies of yours, too.
*Brenda S: you've always been someone I admired for being HILARIOUS and I was always happy Trent was your birthday buddy because I'd be thrilled to have a kid with a sense of humor like yours! You're a great mom and even though we haven't seen each other in years, you've left me a couple of the most amazing and sweet comments here and your kind words have been helpful and inspirational!
*Derek and Ariel C: Derek, for a long time you were one of my only friends, and you always were amazing to talk to and then you met your wifey and I had another friend in her! What a blessing. But the thing I love, love, LOVE the most was when you shrieked like a little girl when I told you I was pregnant with Taylor (and secondly for working for me on Christmas- I still owe you a favor for that one)! You 2 are great friends!
*Cassie M: we've lost touch and had some rough times, but when I lost Taylor, you dropped by just to show you care, and I don't think we said much (as there's not much to say) but you hugged me, smoked with me, and sat with me, and I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to just BE THERE.
*Andrea M: you're one of the only people I see with any sort of regularity (even though it's not enough), and even though I can tell sometimes talking about all this makes you a little uneasy (trust me! I understand), you're always a good listener and I don't know what I'd do without our (sometimes) walks.
*Kim R: You've had lots of struggles of your own but you never lost your spunk and now things are happening for you and I truly wish you nothing but the best. You took the time to read and then you had the guts to be honest with me and even though I wasn't totally receptive at the time, I've told you before and I'll tell you again now that I DO appreciate you and I have nothing but respect for you saying what you feel to me. Your honesty was a kick in the right direction for me.
*Kim E: You're one of the awesomest people I know and I am so lucky we've become friends. I have had so many great times with you and I can't wait for that friend date (remember the one from 4 months ago we never got around to? we're still gonna do it-- without kids! Although our larkburger friend date was awesome and so generous of you, we need some grown up time!) You gave me the beautiful hanging flower basket after my second loss and I nurtured it all summer. I loved looking at it and having a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.
*Katharine: I know today is a terrible day for you. I'M SO SORRY! But I wouldn't be where I am today without you and your blog and I think you are such an amazing woman, writer, MOTHER, wife, pet mom, and friend! ((((((((((HUGGGGGGGS))))))))))
*Jamie: you are much classier than I am and yet you read my blog with understanding and kind words. You're an amazing lady. You keep me inspired and sometimes you're the sole commenter on a post and the ONLY way I know that someone cares. THAT means a ton to me, and SO DO YOU!!!
*Kate VOS: What can I say? You're my sister and one of my best friends. You're always there for me, and I LOVE YOU.
*Becky VO: I got so lucky to get you for a mother in law! Sometimes I feel like you get the short end of my temper and/or honesty and I just want you to know I'm never trying to be mean to you. I am SO appreciative that I can be honest with you- it's done WONDERS to have someone to talk to who will always let me say what I need to say and try to offer support, advice, and understanding.
*Millie VO: You always are patient, kind, and a good listener and I thank you, so much, for being there for me!
*Michelle U: You understand what I've been through and you have remembered me (us) at times when no one else has. The cards you've sent have been so thoughtful and have been such a help to me on hard days when I feel like no one else remembers my sweet heaven kids.
*Rachel B: We've been friends for, what, EVER? We've lost touch sometimes over the years but you've ALWAYS been there for me. Always. When I was pregnant with Trent and scared, you were there. When I got married, you were there. And now, when I feel bad, you're there! I love you!
*Roxie F: Lord knows you have problems of your own! Some downright comical and some so sad and frustrating they HAVE to be comical or they'd be too damn depressing to bear. Yet you've told me time and again that just because you have things going on doesn't mean you can't be there for me. Even better, you've SHOWN me that's totally true! I know we don't see each other enough but I love all the crazy escapades we've had and I wouldn't trade a second of any of the crazy times we've had together. Love you, Julian, and Jane.
*Nicole W: The thing I love the most about you is that you always have a kind word and you have the amazing gift of EMPATHY. You don't say "I know how you feel" you say "I can't imagine how that feels". That means so much to me that you understand the difference yet always have a kind and encouraging word even though you haven't been in this situation. I'm lucky to have you for a cousin! Love you!
*Christina H: You used to be my husband's cousin, but now you are MY FRIEND. I am so grateful for you and am so happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other and hang out. Our times together have been a blast. I also LOVE the necklace you made me and it's so nice to have something tangible to put on, look at, and touch when I need something to remind me of my other 2 kiddos.
(wow, this list has gotten WAY longer than I thought). I know there are TONS more I'm missing. So thank you ten times over for reading, commenting, messaging, sending cards, any and every show of support has been SO APPRECIATED and has helped me SO MUCH. I love all of you!
Nextly, (there's more?!)
here are a couple of secrets and maybe a little clarification as to why a couple of my more recent entries were a little bitter:
A LONG time ago (like, several months before Taylor came, then went), I had a dream that I had triplets. At the time, I was mortified by the idea and was also bewildered as I was pretty much over the idea of having ANY more children, let alone THREE. In the dream, we had turned the whole large section of the basement into one huge nursery and I had these 3 babies I was thrilled to have. I still have NO idea where the idea of triplets would've come from or what possessed me to be thinking of this while I was in dreamland, but it's always been in a little corner of my mind ever since. When I found out I was pregnant the first time again, I almost half expected there to be more than one baby. One of the first things I asked the ultrasound tech (somewhat disappointedly) was, "so, there's just one?" The next time, I had a feeling I might be having twins. I'm still not convinced Tristan didn't have a brother or sister in there with him before our ultrasound. Anyway, this idea of "my triplets" is something that I kinda/sorta (am I CRAZY?!) want. I just can't shake it. So, in October (trying to think of how to word this somewhat delicately without entering TMI territory), despite the fact that I was sorta actively trying to prevent becoming pregnant (since I'm convinced-ish that any pregnancy would result in losing it so I kind of feel like a selfish murderer if I try again without nailing down some more answers as to what the heck is wrong), I realized that we could POSSIBLY become pregnant that month. I sort of half expected to, and didn't really know how to feel about it. THEN, one day I got SICK. Like, fine, perfectly fine, then nauseous ended up puking my guts out sick. If it was something like morning sickness, it would've been EARLY. But... not impossible. The idea of this being the case was kind of exciting because I was sick as hell with Trent and Taryn but not at all with Taylor and Tristan so I thought, maybe if I WAS pregnant, and if I was experiencing morning sickness at 3 weeks, the pregnancy might last and also, MAYBE the super early morning sickness could be due to having more than one (for instance, "my triplets") in there, causing hormones and symptoms to go crazy. A week later, my period was due but hadn't come yet, and I was nauseous AGAIN. And, literally as I was googling "morning sickness at 3 weeks (and totally getting my hopes up), my period came, crushing my hopes. 3 days later, I found out that someone I know and see quite a lot is pregnant and I just was crushed. It was a VERY BAD NIGHT. Then I had some pretty rough posts. There's my big secret(s)! :/
Thanks for reading, that might've been the longest post in the history of blogging! (Please don't forget about the first section, and leave me a comment!)
(to be read in a non-sarcastic, somewhat ironic or silly, I'm just being honest tone)
***Can those of you who actually DO follow, please click "follow" and then even leave me comments sometimes? The reasoning behind this request are many, which include me being somewhat needy (I guess) and throwing ALL this out there because sometimes, I really need to know that someone IS listening, does care, and that I don't have to always go through it all alone. Having 8 followers (which is a number that hasn't changed in 2 years), many of whom NEVER comment, make me feel like NO ONE IS LISTENING (or, reading). Ryan tells me all time, "you reach so many people, tons of people read your blog and care what you say." Uh, really? I can't tell when I get no comments on most posts. Furthermore, I really hate when people make excuses or reasons like "who would care what I think?" or "I don't want to comment on every post, you'll get sick of me." Um, no! Got something to say? I care! I care if you think I'm bein' a douche, I care if you think I've helped you be more caring, I care if you feel bad, I care if you think SOMETHING, ANYTHING! Wanna be supportive? Leave me a comment, lemme know! Wanna set me straight? Leave me a comment, lemme know! Wanna tell me I'm a whiner? Leave a comment... I can't/don't/won't know if you don't say so, and I don't (AT ALL) expect 100% support. I don't expect everyone to say "oh, honey, sweetie, baby cakes, poor you!" I've offended? Set me straight! I've given you something to think about? Tell me! You're so super sorry about what's happened to me? Please say so! (Sometimes I really need to hear it)...
Another reason for this request is because, even though sometimes I have angry, downright mean things to say, and sometimes they seem to be about someone specific, I am actually NOT that shitty of a person. I care who my audience is, so if I know what I'm thinking might hurt or offend someone, I will make a point to be more sensitive. Not that I'm necessarily going to censor myself, but the point of this blog is to be honest and let people know where my mind (SOMETIMES) goes; not to lose friends and piss people off. Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest because I can get bogged down in negative emotions, then, sometimes weeks later, it's brought to my attention that I've hurt someone or was overly mean/rude/hateful. I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, however, there are times I just need to get. it. out. My feelings can be hell to live with sometimes, but they are not who I am. They come and go so quickly and seemingly without reason. One day I find out someone is pregnant and I'm thrilled and I think, "oh, maybe I'm starting to feel better," then the next day (or 5 minutes later), I see a pregnant stranger and want to kick her in the shin. Then I think, "DAMMIT! When will I feel ok?!" That got a little off track... oops. Anyway, all I'm TRYING to say is, I care who might be reading this and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for any reason. You're my friend or family member and you're preggo or have a new baby? I still love you! I AM happy for you! Sometimes it's a little hard for me, though. I'm not blogging to hurt your feelings, I promise!
Nextly, (sheesh, that first part was long),
I've said in the past that I don't want to call anyone out, but I was WRONG! So, here goes (in no particular order, and I'm sorry if I miss anyone):
* Jenny J: thank you for ALWAYS being there, and for not being afraid to say you're sorry or that you care. And, of, course, for the BEAUTIFUL cross stitch honoring Taylor (If you ever wanted to do another for Tristan-- in ALL your spare time--wink, wink...) But seriously, you've been an amazing source of support.
*Chris W: sometimes the things I write you could take such offense to, and you don't, and I can't tell you HOW MUCH that means! I LOVE YOU for taking the time to let me know when you've read and try to cheer me up, and I hope you know I LOOOOVVVVE those beautiful babies of yours, too.
*Brenda S: you've always been someone I admired for being HILARIOUS and I was always happy Trent was your birthday buddy because I'd be thrilled to have a kid with a sense of humor like yours! You're a great mom and even though we haven't seen each other in years, you've left me a couple of the most amazing and sweet comments here and your kind words have been helpful and inspirational!
*Derek and Ariel C: Derek, for a long time you were one of my only friends, and you always were amazing to talk to and then you met your wifey and I had another friend in her! What a blessing. But the thing I love, love, LOVE the most was when you shrieked like a little girl when I told you I was pregnant with Taylor (and secondly for working for me on Christmas- I still owe you a favor for that one)! You 2 are great friends!
*Cassie M: we've lost touch and had some rough times, but when I lost Taylor, you dropped by just to show you care, and I don't think we said much (as there's not much to say) but you hugged me, smoked with me, and sat with me, and I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to just BE THERE.
*Andrea M: you're one of the only people I see with any sort of regularity (even though it's not enough), and even though I can tell sometimes talking about all this makes you a little uneasy (trust me! I understand), you're always a good listener and I don't know what I'd do without our (sometimes) walks.
*Kim R: You've had lots of struggles of your own but you never lost your spunk and now things are happening for you and I truly wish you nothing but the best. You took the time to read and then you had the guts to be honest with me and even though I wasn't totally receptive at the time, I've told you before and I'll tell you again now that I DO appreciate you and I have nothing but respect for you saying what you feel to me. Your honesty was a kick in the right direction for me.
*Kim E: You're one of the awesomest people I know and I am so lucky we've become friends. I have had so many great times with you and I can't wait for that friend date (remember the one from 4 months ago we never got around to? we're still gonna do it-- without kids! Although our larkburger friend date was awesome and so generous of you, we need some grown up time!) You gave me the beautiful hanging flower basket after my second loss and I nurtured it all summer. I loved looking at it and having a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.
*Katharine: I know today is a terrible day for you. I'M SO SORRY! But I wouldn't be where I am today without you and your blog and I think you are such an amazing woman, writer, MOTHER, wife, pet mom, and friend! ((((((((((HUGGGGGGGS))))))))))
*Jamie: you are much classier than I am and yet you read my blog with understanding and kind words. You're an amazing lady. You keep me inspired and sometimes you're the sole commenter on a post and the ONLY way I know that someone cares. THAT means a ton to me, and SO DO YOU!!!
*Kate VOS: What can I say? You're my sister and one of my best friends. You're always there for me, and I LOVE YOU.
*Becky VO: I got so lucky to get you for a mother in law! Sometimes I feel like you get the short end of my temper and/or honesty and I just want you to know I'm never trying to be mean to you. I am SO appreciative that I can be honest with you- it's done WONDERS to have someone to talk to who will always let me say what I need to say and try to offer support, advice, and understanding.
*Millie VO: You always are patient, kind, and a good listener and I thank you, so much, for being there for me!
*Michelle U: You understand what I've been through and you have remembered me (us) at times when no one else has. The cards you've sent have been so thoughtful and have been such a help to me on hard days when I feel like no one else remembers my sweet heaven kids.
*Rachel B: We've been friends for, what, EVER? We've lost touch sometimes over the years but you've ALWAYS been there for me. Always. When I was pregnant with Trent and scared, you were there. When I got married, you were there. And now, when I feel bad, you're there! I love you!
*Roxie F: Lord knows you have problems of your own! Some downright comical and some so sad and frustrating they HAVE to be comical or they'd be too damn depressing to bear. Yet you've told me time and again that just because you have things going on doesn't mean you can't be there for me. Even better, you've SHOWN me that's totally true! I know we don't see each other enough but I love all the crazy escapades we've had and I wouldn't trade a second of any of the crazy times we've had together. Love you, Julian, and Jane.
*Nicole W: The thing I love the most about you is that you always have a kind word and you have the amazing gift of EMPATHY. You don't say "I know how you feel" you say "I can't imagine how that feels". That means so much to me that you understand the difference yet always have a kind and encouraging word even though you haven't been in this situation. I'm lucky to have you for a cousin! Love you!
*Christina H: You used to be my husband's cousin, but now you are MY FRIEND. I am so grateful for you and am so happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other and hang out. Our times together have been a blast. I also LOVE the necklace you made me and it's so nice to have something tangible to put on, look at, and touch when I need something to remind me of my other 2 kiddos.
(wow, this list has gotten WAY longer than I thought). I know there are TONS more I'm missing. So thank you ten times over for reading, commenting, messaging, sending cards, any and every show of support has been SO APPRECIATED and has helped me SO MUCH. I love all of you!
Nextly, (there's more?!)
here are a couple of secrets and maybe a little clarification as to why a couple of my more recent entries were a little bitter:
A LONG time ago (like, several months before Taylor came, then went), I had a dream that I had triplets. At the time, I was mortified by the idea and was also bewildered as I was pretty much over the idea of having ANY more children, let alone THREE. In the dream, we had turned the whole large section of the basement into one huge nursery and I had these 3 babies I was thrilled to have. I still have NO idea where the idea of triplets would've come from or what possessed me to be thinking of this while I was in dreamland, but it's always been in a little corner of my mind ever since. When I found out I was pregnant the first time again, I almost half expected there to be more than one baby. One of the first things I asked the ultrasound tech (somewhat disappointedly) was, "so, there's just one?" The next time, I had a feeling I might be having twins. I'm still not convinced Tristan didn't have a brother or sister in there with him before our ultrasound. Anyway, this idea of "my triplets" is something that I kinda/sorta (am I CRAZY?!) want. I just can't shake it. So, in October (trying to think of how to word this somewhat delicately without entering TMI territory), despite the fact that I was sorta actively trying to prevent becoming pregnant (since I'm convinced-ish that any pregnancy would result in losing it so I kind of feel like a selfish murderer if I try again without nailing down some more answers as to what the heck is wrong), I realized that we could POSSIBLY become pregnant that month. I sort of half expected to, and didn't really know how to feel about it. THEN, one day I got SICK. Like, fine, perfectly fine, then nauseous ended up puking my guts out sick. If it was something like morning sickness, it would've been EARLY. But... not impossible. The idea of this being the case was kind of exciting because I was sick as hell with Trent and Taryn but not at all with Taylor and Tristan so I thought, maybe if I WAS pregnant, and if I was experiencing morning sickness at 3 weeks, the pregnancy might last and also, MAYBE the super early morning sickness could be due to having more than one (for instance, "my triplets") in there, causing hormones and symptoms to go crazy. A week later, my period was due but hadn't come yet, and I was nauseous AGAIN. And, literally as I was googling "morning sickness at 3 weeks (and totally getting my hopes up), my period came, crushing my hopes. 3 days later, I found out that someone I know and see quite a lot is pregnant and I just was crushed. It was a VERY BAD NIGHT. Then I had some pretty rough posts. There's my big secret(s)! :/
Thanks for reading, that might've been the longest post in the history of blogging! (Please don't forget about the first section, and leave me a comment!)
14 November 2012
Mis... conceptions
I know I tend to seem very vocal and oftentimes really bitter or harsh or angry, but the truth is, that's just a little piece of me and my feelings. I don't really have an easy time saying what's on my mind, or sharing secrets, or trusting people, so I usually just don't. I'm sure after some of the things I've said in this space, that seems hard to believe, but it's always been easier for me to write... even if I know it's not anonymous. I get that people will see what I post and that some people will "get" exactly what I'm attempting to explain, and some people will maybe think I'm looking for sympathy, and some people will think that I'm mean or bitter or angry, or some people might take offense or think that I'm a hateful person, and I understand why any of those scenarios would be plausible. The thing that I guess even I'm just realizing about some of the things I've said is that it's just a small piece of how I actually feel. Also, most posts are stemmed by... something. And I usually don't explain what that "something" specifically is because I do not want to point fingers or call people out or say, "I was upset by such and so because blah de blah," so I say general things and then people just assume I'm only referring to them. So I'll clarify, a little. I still don't want to be specific, but I will say that I'm not UNHAPPY for people who are pregnant. Now, obviously I'd be lying my ass off if I said I was always super thrilled and not jealous or even sometimes angry. Not angry at specific people, but angry because that's not how it's going for me and sometimes it's hard to see other people experience this when, for some reason, my family is not. I think sometimes it's pretty easy to guess where a single post might have come from [seeing facebook pregnancy announcements (plurally, being the operative idea there, seeing 5 in one week is what's overwhelming, not one and then I'm pissed) or a friend who is unhappy for whatever sex of baby she's having, etc], but sometimes there is a lot more behind what I say than I explain or let on. So I might say, "I want to scream that I don't care who's pregnant" and it LOOKS like I hate all pregnant people or never want to hear about them or be supportive or excited, but part of what's behind that is actually the frustration I have when people really close to me, even family, are constantly telling me who's pregnant or what's going on with a pregnancy or email me deets about a new baby on a day when it's REALLY hard for me to hear it (like the anniversary of Taylor's due date), and I want to scream AT THEM. NOT at the person who is having or has had a baby. There are some people I guess I just assume should KNOW that it would be hard for me and I figure it'd be common sense for them to just NOT say anything to me about stuff like that, but they do, and my frustration and irritation is ON THEM, not on the person they are telling me about. (And this generally isn't referring to friends telling me about other friends or someone they know or something they heard. I can HANDLE knowing babies exist and do funny and cute and awesome things). And sometimes, it's true, A single pregnancy upsets me, but it's not the person or their baby but where my mind goes when I find out. The upset is about my circumstance, not them. For instance, I recently found out that someone I frequently see is pregnant, and I watched her in a situation do modified things because of it, and then my mind started on me and I started thinking of all the things that SHOULD be different for me right now and how MY situation would be totally different if I were still pregnant. Sometimes I have no control over something that will trigger me to have thoughts about "what should have been." So I'm not MAD at that single person for having a baby, I'm mad at my situation and the fact that I am not, and I should be. And I know it's silly to constantly dwell on SHOULDS, but it's hard not to sometimes, and it's hard not to wonder what might have been, and it's hard to watch someone else be pregnant and know that should be me. Right now. I should have been in her shoes and it was really hard not to be. And people saw the upset on my face, but I couldn't say, "I'm not having a hard time because we're doing something difficult, I'm having a hard time because your wife is pregnant!" So, I let people think whatever they wanted to, but the truth was, I was having a hard time because my mind UNEXPECTEDLY started thinking deeper about how far along I'd be, and how EVERYTHING would be different for me at that time. To top it off, I THEN thought, I'm really happy to be where I am and doing what I'm doing and then I felt even WORSE because it was almost like I was happy I wasn't pregnant because I wouldn't be where I was if I still was pregnant. And of course, it's not like I'd pick being able to do something over being able to have another baby, but that guilt was there. I never know what is going to trigger those thoughts, and sometimes, it's the new knowledge that someone is having a baby that does it. Then it seems like I am unhappy FOR THEM or mad AT THEM, but that simply is not the case. Sometimes when I write I don't clarify enough, mainly because I know that ANYONE could be reading and I DON'T want them to assume it's ABOUT THEM. What I write is about me. And I KNOW it can be bitter and not pretty, but it is honest and I know a lot of women who have been in my shoes can relate. And I say what I say and sometimes I say seemingly nasty things for 2 main reasons: I want people who are like I used to be, who thought losing a baby was something you just get over and try again, to UNDERSTAND that it's hard and devestating, and know that the miscarriage wasn't just "tissue," it was a person, it was hopes and dreams, it was someone's CHILD. You can't recover that! Secondly, I want to be a voice for people who don't think it's ok to feel what they feel after going through this, and I want someone who's been through it to see ALL of how I've felt, and to know that it's NORMAL to have a hard time and that it's OK! So, I am not going to stop being honest, but I do want everyone to know that I AM mindful that anyone could see this and some people might not totally understand where I am coming from or all the reasons why I say what I say, so I will try to be more clear, or less general, or give a better explaination to WHAT some of the things were that are behind what I'm saying. It's not my intent to hurt people or take away their joy, it's my intent to express what I'm going through and what's upsetting to me. I'll try to be better about explaining WHY.
08 November 2012
The Shit the World Keeps Piling on that Breaks Your Heart
*Sorry for the sideways pic, it was drawn about 5/16 or 5/17/12... After we lost Tristan but before we had the guts to tell the kids. As you can see, Taryn drew me (pregnant) and her holding hands, and wrote "I love you mamma, hopefully it goes well." I don't think anything, ever, has made me more sad than this sweet, innocent drawing.
*I know no one thinks that their pregnancy is going to offend someone, and I guess it doesn't, necessarily, but it just gets overwhelming. The newest facebook announcement, the latest comments, the texts saying, "I'm having contractions," the "guess who's having a baby?" And I really, really, really want to SCREAM sometimes. Sometimes I want to say, "I don't CARE who's pregnant, I'm not happy for them, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" But holy shit, if I said THAT, I might OFFEND someone. I might make someone UNCOMFORTABLE. Hell, I might even make someone FEEL BAD. Cuz obviously getting the "there's no heartbeat" announcement, or, worse, literally seeing your baby come out of you, tiny, helpless, and dead, felt fuckin' awesome. I just HATE to have to make anyone feel awkward for 2 seconds about my inconvenient dead babies.
*the genetic test results which, A. say "missed abortion" (i didn't miss shit, 4 days after we had a heartbeat, I had the baby fall into the toilet- too graphic? oops) and B. refer to MY CHILD as the "products of conception." PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?! This "product" had a beating heart! Hello!!
*telling someone that you told someone the truth (instead of that you were sick or on vacation) and they say, "you TOLD her?" I'd just been through hell and back, and now I have to make up some wild story about it, too? What the HELL is wrong with our society that someone can't say, "my baby died" and then have FEELINGS about that, too?
*people who say stupid shit like, "please stop making me nauseous, baby" "I hate having to pee all the time" "I'm having a terrible boy" "I didn't want another baby" etc, etc. Know what's worse than having pregnancy symptoms? NOT having them cause your baby died. Know what's worse than a terrible boy? A dead boy. Stupid shit also includes, but I'm SURE is not limited to:
*next time we'll make sure you don't lift anything heavy
*I'm glad it happened early on
*there was probably something wrong with the baby
*why are you dwelling on this
*you should be happy for such-and-so, they had a hard pregnancy
*this makes you appreciate your kids more (actually, I feel like it's opposite- it makes me hurt to know what I'm missing out on even more)
*you should be grateful for the kids you have (keep THAT in mind the next time YOU lose a loved one, k? "welp, mom died, but my dad is still alive. cool.")
(yes, I personally have heard ALL of these, and more, I'm sure, from my besties, my family, the people I love the most. Yes, I GET that they were "well meaning" but this all still HURTS. So, if you read this, and you know someone else who loses a baby, do NOT say any of these things)
So... why am I a little mad at the world? Because people think it's ok and normal to push miscarriages under the rug like they're no big deal. It negates the feelings and pain of millions of people who had hopes and dreams about their child but were left with NOTHING tangible. A couple ultrasound photos, maybe genetic results, IF THEY ARE LUCKY. Mostly, you get your hopes and dreams crushed in one terrible moment and a whirlwind of what the heck just happened to me? The knowledge that you WERE pregnant and now you're not (was it all just a dream, you've got nothing to prove it wasn't). Then you get to live in a world where babies are just so freaking great and you should just be tickled fricken pink to be SURROUNDED by ladies who are having or have just had babies and it makes you feel like this miracle gets to happen to everyone on the planet BUT YOU. To top it off you are told it wasn't your fault but then you (more times than not) are given no answers as to what happened (you're just told some bullshit about "genetic abnormalities" even though TONS of tested babies are perfect). Heaven forbid you get pregnant again, because it's so not fun, and that's not how it should be. You don't tell people because you're terrified and you don't want to untell them. Then you lose the baby and no one knows that baby even existed so they say stuff like, "I'm so jealous you can drink" 4 days after and you want to choke them even though they're one of your favorite family members so you just choke down your sangria and go cry and bleed in the bathroom by yourself. So, yeah, those are a couple of reasons why it seems like the world is ganging up on me to make me a little crazy, and a lot sad.
16 October 2012
Their Names Are
Ryan strongly feels like Taylor is a girl; so her middle name is Elizabeth. If we find out Taylor is a he when we get to heaven, his middle name will be Eli. The second baby was a boy, and we've decided we like Tristan. Since most of us have A middle names, we thought about A names we like, and I suggested Amir. So now our 2 heaven babies have full names.
I love you, Taylor Elizabeth and Tristan Amir!
I love you, Taylor Elizabeth and Tristan Amir!
Scared Half to Death
Jessica Ridgeway.
What else is there to say?
A ten year old little precious baby walking to school, kidnapped, ultimately murdered, dismembered. SICK. It absolutely BLOWS my mind that such a sick fuck could do this!! And, unfortunately, it happened super close to home. She was taken near Trent's school. Found near where we live. No suspects, no nothing. I'm absolutely petrified to let my kids out of my sight.
This person took a precious child not only from her mother and father and other family members, her friends, and her classmates, but also her community.
And how could any parent in this community be anything BUT terrified?!
I hope she is resting in peace and the disgusting, demented individual who did this is caught soon.
What else is there to say?
A ten year old little precious baby walking to school, kidnapped, ultimately murdered, dismembered. SICK. It absolutely BLOWS my mind that such a sick fuck could do this!! And, unfortunately, it happened super close to home. She was taken near Trent's school. Found near where we live. No suspects, no nothing. I'm absolutely petrified to let my kids out of my sight.
This person took a precious child not only from her mother and father and other family members, her friends, and her classmates, but also her community.
And how could any parent in this community be anything BUT terrified?!
I hope she is resting in peace and the disgusting, demented individual who did this is caught soon.
I've been thinking (oh, boy)
Lately, I've been thinking, and I'm pretty sure that I'd like to have a baby.
That's all.
That's all.
01 October 2012
Rude Announcement
I'm super freakin' sick of the cutsie "i'm having a baby" facebook announcements (in the form of "our kid is going to be a sibling", "dear baby, quit making me naseous", etc), and if i see another one anytime soon i'm going to scream, vomit, and/or stab myself. THERE. I said it. Also, i hate each and every person who is stupid enough to announce it the second they find out to the whole stupid world because i just KNOW everything will be fine for them. Not that i want things to go wrong for anyone, i just wish it could've gone right for me. Also, to the dumbasses who have unfriended me due to links to my blog, IT'S NOT PERSONAL. You've got a baby and you think i'm talking about you?! I'M NOT. I'm talking to the world, which sometimes feels like it's piling up and shitting directly on me. You think some of my posts are unpleasant to read for 5 minutes? Imagine living it every second of every day.
14 September 2012
copying my other blog, just so EVERYONE knows
last nights post was read differently than i intended for it to be, so let me clarify:
I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE. I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.
OK?
I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE. I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.
OK?
09 September 2012
New Pictures
I had her caption it "our angels" because we hadn't decided on a name for our sweet boy yet, but we talked it over last night and decided on a name [I'll tell ya it later ;)]. And now that they both have full names, I can get a stone butterfly for him and his name in the sand. I can't wait! (just waiting to tell our families the names first). I have 4 amazing kids, God has certainly blessed us. And thanks, of course, to Carly Marie Dudley and her BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING work! I love these butterflies!
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