A Very Merry Christmas

Sometimes it's hard to remember to be good, to be grateful, and to know that the world does not revolve around me. This Christmas was one of the first times I was able to keep these things at the front of my mind and to have my head and my heart in the right places this season. Going to church and remembering the "reason for the season" (but this time, for the first time, for real) reminded me to be patient and to try my best to be kind and unstressed and to think of others. This was the best Christmas ever because I was finally in the right place, spiritually, to ENJOY it for the right reasons. I feel SO blessed to have such a fantastic family and wonderful friends and to know that I have God's love and guidance to help me through hard and scary times. I feel like I will always have love to give and receive and will never be alone. Things may not always work out how I thought they would or how I wanted but I will always have love and friendship to help me through. I hope and pray that all of my friends and family will have an amazing upcoming year full of love and good times, too.

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Family Weekend

On Friday, I went with my mom to pick up my aunt Patty and cousin Kevee at the airport.  It was fun getting to hang out with my mom; we had coffee while we waited and we browsed around at a cute (and overpriced) shop at the airport.  Then we took Patty and Kevee to lunch and had a great time.  Later, we went to my aunt and uncle's and hung out with my grandma for a while.  It was the kid's last day of school; and, of course, Taryn's birthday, so everyone came over to our house for a bit after I got the kids and then we all met up with my aunt Becky, uncle Dick, and cousin Steph and her boyfriend Ryan for pizza later.  (Pietra's... YUM!)  I got Taryn a chocolate, whipped cream, and oreo cake, and managed to fumble the piece she wanted and dropped it all over the table (much to her dismay, oops!)  Despite that, I'm pretty sure miss Taryn had a good 8th birthday day (even though she was upset that her teacher forgot to pretend spank her) : )

On Saturday, Taryn had a party at her karate school, and was joined by a few of her closest girlfriends and Ryan's parents and sister Kate and her new husband Eddy.  My brother John (Taryn's bestie) came, too, which was nice.  The kids got to run around and burn off a TON of steam, it was fun to watch (I kinda wish I had participated in some of the activities!)  Taryn got to cut her cake in half with a samurai sword (PRICELESS facial expressions!)

And she got lots of cool gifts, including a black watch with skulls (too cool), a seashell jewelry making kit, and a Justin "Beaver" (UGH) shirt, which she loved!  Right after that we headed up to Evergreen (so pretty!) for Trent's boy scout holiday party, which was held at one of the leader's parent's ranch.  It was chilly (it was held in a barn), but there was lots of good food, a visit from Santa, and the kids got to go "sledding" (there wasn't much snow, so some **brave** grown-ups pushed the kids down a little icy path on the sleds).  We headed home around four for a little r&r, but that plan was thwarted by a call from my mom, wondering if everyone could come by and watch a movie and hang out.  That sounded like fun, so I straightened up the house, dug out a bunch of boy scout popcorn (some I still had from LAST year-yeesh), and was interrupted by the door bell ringing half an hour EARLY.  WTF I thought.  Turned out my mom had been trying to call, and everyone was going to Steph and Ryan's, instead.  Oh, well, at least our house was clean (for a day, at least).  We decided to pass, and instead had an early dinner, then went to see Tron.  It was TOTALLY AWESOME!  (Even for the fifty bucks it cost for the 4 of us to go).  BUT, my poor little lady crashed within 10 minutes of the movie starting : )  She slept through the entire movie in my lap (awwwww!)

On Sunday, we had plans to meet my mom, grandma, Patty, and Kevee at church, but my aunt Pam (Patty's twin, and Steph's mom) had flown in that morning (the weather was too bad for her to come on Saturday, like she had originally hoped to), so Patty and Kevee went with Steph to get her.  We met up with Ron and Becky (my in-laws) and my mom and grandma, and I was glad that my mom enjoyed the service.  It was a good one-- a Christmas message about king Herod being threatened by baby Jesus' birth, and how we still are threatened by Jesus because if he is in charge, if he is king, then we are not.  It was a good lesson about control, and struggling to let Jesus lead our lives and be the one in control.  Afterward, my mom, grandma, Patty, Pam, Steph, and Kevee came over and we hung out and chatted for quite a while.  It's always a crazy time when my mom and the twins are together (my mom is only 15 months older than them), so it was great to see them together, telling wild stories.  At five, we all met up downtown and had dinner at cafe Rialto, which was totally yummy, and then we headed off to see The Nutcracker ballet.  The Colorado Ballet does a great performance, and we've started to make it a yearly tradition.  2 years ago, my mom, Taryn, and I went; last year, the 3 of us plus Trent (who WANTED to go, who'da thunk it?) and Pam went, and this year there were NINE of us!  (I wonder how many will go next year?!)  I felt bad for not thinking to invite my mother-in-law and her mom, and my sis-in-law, Kate. : (  Trenty gets a BIG kick out of the male dancer's tight tights, it's fun to tease him about for weeks to come!  Unfortunately, Pam, Patty, and Kevee all are leaving Monday morning, so we bid them good-bye after the ballet, but it was really awesome to have such a nice weekend filled with fun and love from much of our big, wild, family.

My Baby Girl

IS EIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't believe it!! Happy birthday, sweet little lady!

I Wish I Could Say

"Fuck you!"  When the response to, "who'd like to start" (ordering) is, "the pregnant one!"  It's not a stranger's fault, but it is just too soon to have it in my face ALL. THE. TIME.  Especially when "the pregnant one" looks to be about as pregnant as I should be.  That's all, just griping.  I know I shouldn't be so bitter.

I Hate to Admit This

I just realized that 2 days ago marked 4 months since we learned our precious baby was not going to join us.  And I am ashamed to admit that I didn't even think of it on Monday.  : (  I knew the date (we had like 50 things going on), and it didn't even hit me.  What the hell is wrong with me?

For ME?!?!?!?!

The LOVELY Katharine (check her out!!) has graced me with a blog AWARD!  I am so happy, but I have to break the rules of the award (a little), because I don't follow many blogs.  BUT!! Look how cute the cherry on top award is!



The rules of this award are:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award

I know many of you who read my blog (and there are more than 4 of you, but to those 4, thanks for officially following), also read Katharine's blog, Grow Baby Grow, but if you never have, do!  She's the mother to 2 little girls in Heaven:  Hannah (who was due this August), and Audrey, who would've joined us in March, like Taylor.

Unfortunately, I don't keep up with 5 more blogs regularly, so here's my pledge to do so!

I, Alex, pledge to check out more blogs, I DO enjoy them!

Here are the blogs I pass this award on to (in no particular order):

1.  CarlyMarie.  Ok, so it's not like this award from me is going to even probably be noticed, because Carly Marie Dudley is HUGE!!! But seriously, with all she does, how can I NOT recognize her?!  She is the AMAZING woman behind To Write Their Names in the Sand, amongst so much more to the baby loss world.  What an absolutely phenomenal lady!!!!

2. I don't know if this is legal, but I'm going for it anyway:
Love Reign Over Me.  This is Carly's old blog.  I love it for several reasons though, one being that it came to an end.  Hold on! Let me explain...  I guess I never thought of a blog as being finite.  Some people write forever, things change some, but it's basically indefinite.  Some probably just get deleted when the person is done.  Some people maybe just give up and the whole thing falls by the wayside.  Not this one.  She wrote for a reason, and she ended the blog to start somewhere new and fresh.  I think that's beautiful!  I can't link back to it, because it is open to readers who are invited only, but I still think it counts!

3.  Forget-me-not, Oh Lord!  is written by Jamie, and although she's the one who (kind of) got this whole ball rolling (to me, at least, by awarding Katharine, who awarded me), she's most definitely worth mentioning here!  I looked back through her journey and it touched my heart that she, like me, was able to see her baby's heart beating on her birthday, which was the day before mine : )  Also, check out the pic of the 8 week old baby on her blog.  It's so beautiful!!!  If there's any doubt about when a baby "becomes" a baby, the pic she posted should squash that!

4.  Kate, at Busted Plumbing, most definitely can be described as awesome!  Why?  Because she can laugh!  And sometimes, you just have to.  I love her attitude, it is so inspiring : )

And, that's all I've got, folks.  Hopefully soon I'll be following so many blogs, I won't be able to just narrow it to only five (or four, or well, technically just 3, I guess).

Church and Music

So...
I randomly decided to start attending church again.  Ok, it's not really that random.  It's been on my mind for a while now I just didn't know where to go.  Last week I went with Ron and Becky (my in-laws) again, and I found that what they were saying there was exactly what I have been needing to hear!  We went again today (Ryan came, too, he works every other Sunday) and again, another great message that helped give me a new perspective on things that have been bothering me lately.  One thing this church does yearly is host a Christmas tea for the women of the congregation, so I attended that with Becky and Gloria (her mom) yesterday.  The theme this year was "simply Christmas," yet ANOTHER message I needed pounded in!!  I am happy to have reminders of 1.  The real reason for the season (no, it's NOT going in to debt, stress, and presents!) and 2. to keep things simple and ENJOY.  I wanted to share that!

As a side note, I would love to thank Jenny and Jenn for suggesting their churches to me, as well.  And to both of these lovely ladies, I still would love to come with you sometime!! I'm sure if you like your church homes, they'll have something to offer me, as well.

And just a quick note on the music.  I tried to add some a long time ago but it didn't really work out, partially because I was not able to come up with many good ideas for what would be appropriate on my own.  SO, I cheated and googled "songs for miscarriage" and simply added them to the playlist.  This was a good route for me because it really did give some great ideas for songs that I never would have listened to otherwise.  A lot of these songs really spoke to my heart about the topic of loss, so I hope you'll enjoy them, too!

<3

Pangs

It happens all the time:
I'm minding my own business, and then BAM! a comment, a question, a baby, a belly. 
I know it is no one's fault.
I know people don't know, and who doesn't just LOVE pregnant ladies and babies?! (Me, that's who)
"She's having a girl in March," I overhear.
"We need to feed the kids" says a dad, patting the mom's belly.
And even, "I just saw a cute baby over there, mom."
No, I am not mad at how "mean" and "insensitive" people are; everyone has something bad and I'm a big fan of "get over it," "move on."
It's not even like a stab from a knife anymore.
Just a little pang of hurt.
It's usually unexpected.
I don't know if it will ever stop.

Shane... You Should be 22 Today, Kid

I remember my mom coming over on July 29, 2009; we were supposed to be going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday.  I didn't notice at first that she was acting funny, then I caught it.  The glimmer in her eye that she was upset.  She tried to smile quickly to cover it when she saw I noticed, but it was too late.  "What's wrong?"  She was so upset, "I don't even want to tell you," she blurted in a voice quivering with tears.  I definitely wasn't expecting what came next.  Shane.  My cousin, who I thought I knew, but figured out too late, really didn't.  He'd been in a bad skateboarding accident.  He was already gone by this point but my poor grandma didn't have the heart to tell my mom yet.  She told me he "might be brain dead."  She was so hopeful over dinner (NOT a birthday celebration, just a quick jaunt somewhere nearby so the kids could eat).  I knew deep down there was nothing to be hopeful for.  "Can we call mom again," she asked when we got back to my house.  Of course I wanted to, I was eager that there was a decent prognosis but I just had a feeling there was not.  I knew immediately it was bad as my mom blurted, "Oh, mom!" and started crying hysterically.  I couldn't believe it.  It felt like one of those crazy stories you read in Reader's Digest and feel so terrible for the family but never think anything like it could happen to someone you know.  I was so upset, he was by far Trent's favorite of my relatives and he didn't take it well.  I sat on my kitchen floor crying, "he's just a kid, he's just a kid."  After staying up nearly all night, then awaking the next day to the thought, "Shane Braselton is dead" immediately haunting me, the thought that I couldn't shake next was for my aunt and uncle.  I was profoundly overwhelmed with grief that they had lost their child. 

Lot's of good came from losing Shane.  He was an organ donor, so right now, there are people who live because he did not.  His small town, Craig, CO, hosts "lid jam" at the end of July, offering free helmets to people who pledge to always wear them.  My aunt and uncle and other cousins, his older brother, sister, and sister in law, are amazingly strong people.  He has a nephew now who shares his middle name.  Shane definitely is not forgotten!  Especially not today.  Happy Birthday, Shane!  I know many people wish you were still here to celebrate it.

I'm A Dumbass

Despite having this aching knowing deep down that I never will have another baby (especially not the triplets I dreamt about before I got pregnant with Taylor), I can't seem to stop getting my hopes up.  So the other day, even though I knew it was completely unrealistic, I purchased some pregnancy tests and took one.  The reason why is because I have been super clumsy lately, and also put on some weight-- but that is easily explained by my terrible diet as of late.  Each time I'd clumsily fumble something that ray of hope would shine through, it is one of my main pregnancy symptoms.  A little voice urged me to just check, so I decided to, even though  I knew I just bled recently.  But because it was ten days early I just figured maybe my body isn't back to normal yet, and I thought maybe it was just a fluky thing and maybe I could be lucky again.  So like a thief in the night, I stopped by the store after work on Friday, after I picked up the kids (there was no store on the way to get them), sent them to look at Christmas things, and got the tests.  I went through the self checkout, shoved them into the bottom of my purse, then went back for the kids, trying hard to act casual, like it was normal to stop by the store for nothing.  When we got home, I headed straight for the bathroom, took the test, and tried to stay calm, reminding myself that the odds were extremely low that it would be positive.  I put the wrapper deep down in the trash, the extra tests as far back on the top shelf as I could toss them, and looked at the test, trying not to be eager.

Of course it was negative.

So I'm just fat and clumsy.

And hoping for something I am more than likely never going to have.

Thankful

I read somewhere that if you are having trouble falling asleep to pray the ABCs,  I liked the idea so well that I have decided to make a list while I am awake and prepared to think hard about what I appreciate.  Here is an ABC list of all the things I am grateful for:

A:  Alex.  I am glad to be me, even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, I am happy to be me, flaws and all, at the place I am in my life.  I am in a grateful place where I know what I have and I know how to appreciate it.  While I have had some bumps along the way, I am in a good place now where I am a better person and on a path to being even better.

B: Babies.  All 3 of my wonderful babies have been an amazing gift, and while sometimes it seems unfair that I have lost one, and sometimes the other 2 no longer seem like babies, all 3 are a piece of me and I would not change my experiences with  any of them.

C:  Coffee.  This is one of those little things, but it makes me happy any way.  The smell, the taste, sipping it with friends (though I don't get to do that one enough).  Try as I might, I cannot decrease my addiction to coffee, and everyone who knows me knows how much I love it!

D:  Drama.  Other people's. It reminds me to avoid the b.s. and to live happily and simply.  It also reminds me to let the past be the past and to overcome rather than be a victim.

E:  Education.  I may not be where I want to be, but I am blessed to have been able to finish my college education and to have the opportunity to pursue it even further.  I love school and hope my children will grow to value education as well.

F:  Fun.  Sometimes I complain that I don't get enough of this, but each time I do, whether it be alone, with my husband, kids, or friends, I am grateful for it.  I thrive on getting out and having a good time.  Also, of course, FRIENDS!  Some have come and gone over the years, some make me mad, some are a bit flaky, but many are full of support, love, and strength, and sometimes I couldn't get through the days without them.  So for friends who have been both bad and good, you've all made me stronger in some way.  Thank you!!!

G:  God.  I have been back and forth with this, and I am relieved that I understand better now what it means to believe and have faith.

H:  Hope.  Even when I am down, I know it is always important to have hope and faith that things will and do work out as they should and that no matter what happens, I have the strength and courage to deal with it.  And, although I am NOT a homebody, Home.  I love having a home of my own and a place where I am building fantastic memories with my family.  I am SO lucky to have a beautiful home with 3 wonderful people to share it with.

I:  Integrity.  I am a far cry from perfect.  I have made a LOT of mistakes and I have done things which are shameful and I never imagined I'd be capable of doing.  However, I have at least managed to grow from that and do pride myself in having the integrity to be a good person and to push myself to do the right things, not the easiest things.

J:  John, John, and Jon.  John Michael Mackey, my little brother; John Raymond Taylor, my best friend who is no longer alive; and Jonathan Christopher Sparks, the best friend I have who is still alive.  Hearts!

K:  Kooky.  Is this a real word?  Well, since I already went on about my babies, "kids" is out, so kooky it is.  I am glad that I have the silly personality that I do.  I don't always let it out, but I would definitely say that I can be very kooky, and I enjoy it!

L:  Love.  Live.  Life.  I am happy to be alive, and thank God each time I open my eyes to a new day.  I am happy to have people to love, and people who love me.  I am happy that I know many forms of love; romantic, friendly, and parental. 

M:  Mom.  Sometimes she may drive me nuts (like when she doesn't give me credit for being a grown-up!) but she has been a terrific role model and has always put me and my brother first.  She is hardworking, caring, helpful, everything anyone could ask for in a mother!  I cannot imagine where I'd be without her.  Also, music.  I mean, seriously, it's one of my favorite things!  I can't imagine life without it, I am a music-aholic!

N:  Neighbors.  I do have some great neighbors, and it is nice to know that there is a wonderful sense of friendship and community right outside my door.

O:  Openness.  I don't possess it, but I am learning.  I am hopeful that one day I can say this is something I am more comfortable with.  I think as I grow and learn, I am a better judge of who I can and cannot trust, and who are and are not good friends, so I do think someday this will be much easier for me.

P:  Don't laugh.  Peter.  Peter Steele, my "pretend husband," the love of my life who I never met.  I would be the first person to agree that it is silly to be obsessed with a celebrity, but he is my one exception.  His music changed my life, made me feel like I was normal when I was sad, gave me hope, and made me cry sometimes.  He was a constant I never imagined we'd already be without.  I am happy to have just been in the same room as him (6 times, and yet not enough).  Heart!  Forever!

Q:  Quiet.  I consider myself to be hypersensitive to sensory stimuli.  Get the TV AND a conversation going in the same room, and I go bonkers fairly rapidly.  So sometimes peace, quiet, and even a chance to just pray or meditate is the best thing ever.

R:  Rainbows.  No matter when I see one, I always view it as a sign of hope, a reminder that no matter how dark, scary, or long the storm, there is always hope that there will be something beautiful afterwards and that things aren't always bad.

S:  Schell.  My last name.  My grandfather's last name (may he be resting in peace, I can't believe it's been almost 20 years!).  My children's last name.  Family is very important to me, and I have been blessed to be born into an amazing family, the Schell family.

T:  Well, duh,  Trent Michael, Taryn Angelina, and Taylor.  My 3 amazing children.  What more could I ask for, one wonderful boy, one wonderful girl, and one sweet angel.  You guys are my life and my world.

U:  Understanding.  I like to think that I am un-judgemental and that I try to have an understanding for people of all different walks of life.  I like to see or hear more than one side to any story.  I know it is not my place to judge or persecute others.  I can only try to be a good listener and be open to learning other perspectives.

V:  Van Otterloo.  My husband's last name.  An amazing family that I was lucky enough to be invited to be a part of.  A large group of fun, tradition, and laughter.

W:  Writing.  It is the best way to be expressive.  I enjoy writing here, on my blog, but even more so in my journal.  I feel like ink to a pen is so rewarding, so personal, and beautiful.  It leaves room for even more expression, as it is not always perfect, unlike typing.  Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself, but writing always gives me an outlet for saying whatever I want to.

X:  Ok, here I've got nothing!  Not xanax (luckily), not xylophone (while I did play percussion, we never really did this).  X for aleX and having one of the most obscure letters in my own name?

Y:  You.  All of you.  Anyone who I call a friend, or who cares enough to be reading this, has made an impact on me in some important way.  So, thanks, to each and every one of you.

Z:  Zest.  Mostly this comes from others.  I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as having a lot of zest or excitement, but I certainly do admire and have learned a lot from those who do.

What are you grateful for?

Distracted

I feel like I am constantly holding myself back.  I worry about things that are out of my hands, unlikely, or both.  I worry about the state of the world, my health, et cetera; I waste so much time hanging around the house doing not much of anything, especially not things I WANT to do, like draw, scrapbook, and so on, and oftentimes not even the things I NEED to do, like take care of the house, take care of myself, or finish school.  What I do not do enough of is LIVE and enjoy my life!  Maybe my health is not perfect, maybe sometimes I get down and need help, maybe there are scary things happening in the world that I wish I could fix or help or change, but those are not very good reasons to not remember to live, enjoy, and laugh!  I have been blessed with many things, and yet I keep myself in a state of mind that allows me to waste days in front of the T.V., computer, or both and not to just get out and have a good time.  I need help finding the motivation to stop distracting myself with unimportant drivel and to start living!  I am completely open to ANY suggestions at this point!  I am just so tired of feeling like I am not enjoying each wonderful day that I DO have.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I AM crazy.