If Taylor had lived, she would be 16 months. My life would be SO different. I can't even fathom... Sleepless nights, baby toys strewn about, constantly having to keep an eye on her, baby pictures on the wall, hooded bath towels, diapers, baby food, sippy cups, my first attempt at breast feeding, car seats, blues clues, the list goes on and on. So much of that little little kid stage, I don't even remember. What would it all be like with a little one in the house (in the car, in the family)?
If lil man would have lived, I'd be 17 weeks (?) along. Well, according to my dates, I'd be 18 weeks today. According to the ultrasound, I'd have been 17 weeks yesterday. That's actually something I forgot to mention; according to a lot of the information I found, triploidies tend to be smaller- significantly so, even from the get go. Perhaps this is why he was measuring 6 days behind on the ultrasound. That convolutes things for me, though, because it makes it harder to know how far I really was, what date to consider my due date, etc. I think Ryan and I kind of agreed that it made sense to go off the ultrasound, but I also KNOW there was no way that date could've been correct. However, since that's what the ultrasound was measuring and since it was such a cool date, I'm cool going with it- New Years Day, 2013. According to the first date of my last period, he would have been due the day after Christmas. This also makes it kinda tough to pick out birthstone jewelry- should I have banked on December or January? Who knew one week in the life of a baby who couldn't stay would make such a difference? Yet, it does. At least to me. The due date and the date you say goodbye are all you get; not having one be definite is sort of devastating. Was my date right, or theirs (I'd think it was likely in the middle)? Would he have been a Christmas baby or a New Years one (either way would have been so cool)? Should I be 17 weeks or 18 weeks pregnant? Did I lose him at 7 weeks or 8? A week can go by in a blink, but now it makes all the difference, and I just don't know.
What I do know is that I said goodbye May 15: 10 weeks and 1 day ago. I haven't had a big breakdown (yet). I HAVE had more moments where I'm offended just by the MENTION of a baby. IT HURTS. It's so hard and I have no idea when (or if, or how) I'll get to the point where I'm... ok. I don't even want to be NEAR (like, within a mile radius) of a child under 2 or a pregnant woman. Especially not one of those dippy broads who's stomach is on display like some beacon in the night, while she smiles and "glows" like, "oh, isn't it sooooo great that I'm pregnant?" I HATE those oblivious, happy, isn't-it-great that I'm pregnant ladies. I seriously wish I had some type of glasses I could wear that just blocked out little children and preggo ladies so I didn't even have to deal with their existence. Ridiculous, I know. I feel like a 3 year old even thinking it, but there it is.
But, I've made it almost 2 years since we said good bye to Taylor and 2 months since we said good bye to our little boy, and I have the "what ifs" of the idea of a 16 month old and an 18 week (or so) pregnancy, and here I am. I am alive. It's all happened one day (sometimes one second) at a time. I guess I've just got to keep taking it breath by breath...
25 July 2012
24 July 2012
It's A (Triploid) Boy!
He was a boy. Well, an XXY male. Why XXY you ask? Because he was (probably) a triploid. A what? Yeah, I had never heard of triploidy, either. Because the initial genetic testing yielded no results (which we were warned may happen), the doctor ordered a different test, called FISH, to "rule out" the 3 most common fatal trisomies, 13, 18, and 21, and also for the X&Y to be looked at. Instead of ruling these problems out, ALL 3 (4, with the sex chromosomes) were ruled IN as "abnormal", with 3 sex chromosomes and 3 chromosomes on 13, 18, AND 21. Conclusion? "These studies demonstrate three signals for FISH probes specific for chromosome 13, 18, and 21 in this sample. Two signals for the X chromosome and a single Y signal are also present. These results are consistent with a triploid fetus... Triploidy is observed in approximately 20% of chromosomally abnormal spontaneous abortuses." What the heck does this mean? It means somehow, through either an error in cell division, an egg which somehow had 46 chromosomes already, or by a single egg being fertilized by 2 sperm, the baby LIKELY had 69 chromosomes instead of the normal human 46. Many people have heard of trisomies (like 21, down syndrome), which is an extra chromosome at ONE point, this special lil' guy had a full extra set of chromosomes (most likely). I keep saying "most likely" because we didn't get a karyotype of the baby, JUST the markers for these specific chromosomes, which all showed an extra; therefore, he LIKELY had an extra full set of chromosomes, making him a triploid.
We have yet to speak with a genetic counselor about what this all means, but from what I could find (you KNOW I've been researching everything I can find about this), it is rare, unlikely to happen again, and not inherited or anything we could have prevented. Moving forward, this almost makes things more confusing for me, though. Not because of what we know about him, but because of what we DON'T know about Taylor. All I know about Taylor is that she didn't live. I don't know if something was "wrong" with her and I never will. Don't get me wrong, it's AWESOME to have an answer this time. But not knowing what, why, how, when with my first loss makes it scary to try again. There are just still so many unknowns in the mix. Could we be one of the VERY few unlucky who has this happen twice? (The odds of that are like being struck by lightning twice- not good). Was something different wrong with Taylor? Was she totally fine and we just don't KNOW what went wrong? Was MY health a factor in one or both losses? I read somewhere that autoimmune disease can CAUSE genetic abnormalities- did this happen to both of my babies, and will it happen to another? Then there's the whole "what the heck is wrong with me, anyway?" issue. We SUSPECT that I have some sort of autoimmune related illness, that doesn't necessarily make it so. So yeah- ugh! Kinda SUPER frustrating! At this point, I'm basically waiting for a sign from God one way or the other. I know that before, I sounded hell bent on having a healthy baby but now I. JUST. DON'T. KNOW. ANYMORE. After Taylor I always said it "doesn't feel up to me." Now, it REALLY doesn't feel up to me. So, I'm just kinda waiting for some clear sign either way. If God wants me to have a baby (or, please, no, do this again) then I am up for heeding his call. If not, not. I really don't want to do this again, AND I'm starting to have some of those "I don't know if I want to start all over" doubts. So as glad as I am to have ANSWERS this time (and did I mention?! he's a BOY! so super stoked to know), I AM LOST! Please pray for me, because I really, really, really need some help trying to decide what to do moving forward.
We have yet to speak with a genetic counselor about what this all means, but from what I could find (you KNOW I've been researching everything I can find about this), it is rare, unlikely to happen again, and not inherited or anything we could have prevented. Moving forward, this almost makes things more confusing for me, though. Not because of what we know about him, but because of what we DON'T know about Taylor. All I know about Taylor is that she didn't live. I don't know if something was "wrong" with her and I never will. Don't get me wrong, it's AWESOME to have an answer this time. But not knowing what, why, how, when with my first loss makes it scary to try again. There are just still so many unknowns in the mix. Could we be one of the VERY few unlucky who has this happen twice? (The odds of that are like being struck by lightning twice- not good). Was something different wrong with Taylor? Was she totally fine and we just don't KNOW what went wrong? Was MY health a factor in one or both losses? I read somewhere that autoimmune disease can CAUSE genetic abnormalities- did this happen to both of my babies, and will it happen to another? Then there's the whole "what the heck is wrong with me, anyway?" issue. We SUSPECT that I have some sort of autoimmune related illness, that doesn't necessarily make it so. So yeah- ugh! Kinda SUPER frustrating! At this point, I'm basically waiting for a sign from God one way or the other. I know that before, I sounded hell bent on having a healthy baby but now I. JUST. DON'T. KNOW. ANYMORE. After Taylor I always said it "doesn't feel up to me." Now, it REALLY doesn't feel up to me. So, I'm just kinda waiting for some clear sign either way. If God wants me to have a baby (or, please, no, do this again) then I am up for heeding his call. If not, not. I really don't want to do this again, AND I'm starting to have some of those "I don't know if I want to start all over" doubts. So as glad as I am to have ANSWERS this time (and did I mention?! he's a BOY! so super stoked to know), I AM LOST! Please pray for me, because I really, really, really need some help trying to decide what to do moving forward.
11 July 2012
I'm Not the Person...
...to be complaining to that you're unhappy with the sex of your (healthy, living) unborn baby!
I hate to do so many complainer posts, but JEEZ!!! Obviously, this is geared toward one person, so I'll use my disclaimer here that I'm PRETTY sure she'll never read this. On the flip side, if you're one of those jackasses who does this, DON'T!
It happened like this. I got a random text from an old friend who did the typical back and forth, "how are you? What's up? What's new? How are the kids?" (I knew she was pregnant so I tried to avoid that topic, and I knew she DIDN'T know about the second baby. But she should've known about the first). Then it came, "I'm due blah blah time." I TRIED. So hard. "Oh, cool, I have a friend who's kid was born that day, she's awesome. Do you know what you're having?" "A horrible boy." STILL, I tried. I even gave her the benefit of the doubt that she tried to write little, or awesome, or something other than horrible. "Boys are fun!" I replied. "That's what people say, but it doesn't make it any better." Welp, that did it! But still, I was nice. "Well, after losing 2, I'd be happy with any baby who could stay, but I remember thinking boys would be weird when I was pregnant with Trent, but he's been nothing but awesome." No reply. Made me laugh, kinda.
But this is what I really wish I would've said.
"Look, you selfish ass, lots of people can't have babies, or have trouble having babies, or would do ANYTHING to have a baby. Some people lose babies, and go through hell wondering why they're not pregnant. And they definitely DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING A PERFECT LITTLE CREATURE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE "WRONG" SEX SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GROW UP AND BE HAPPY THAT YOU GET TO HAVE A HEALTHY BABY WHEN LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T!"
Just sayin'
I hate to do so many complainer posts, but JEEZ!!! Obviously, this is geared toward one person, so I'll use my disclaimer here that I'm PRETTY sure she'll never read this. On the flip side, if you're one of those jackasses who does this, DON'T!
It happened like this. I got a random text from an old friend who did the typical back and forth, "how are you? What's up? What's new? How are the kids?" (I knew she was pregnant so I tried to avoid that topic, and I knew she DIDN'T know about the second baby. But she should've known about the first). Then it came, "I'm due blah blah time." I TRIED. So hard. "Oh, cool, I have a friend who's kid was born that day, she's awesome. Do you know what you're having?" "A horrible boy." STILL, I tried. I even gave her the benefit of the doubt that she tried to write little, or awesome, or something other than horrible. "Boys are fun!" I replied. "That's what people say, but it doesn't make it any better." Welp, that did it! But still, I was nice. "Well, after losing 2, I'd be happy with any baby who could stay, but I remember thinking boys would be weird when I was pregnant with Trent, but he's been nothing but awesome." No reply. Made me laugh, kinda.
But this is what I really wish I would've said.
"Look, you selfish ass, lots of people can't have babies, or have trouble having babies, or would do ANYTHING to have a baby. Some people lose babies, and go through hell wondering why they're not pregnant. And they definitely DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING A PERFECT LITTLE CREATURE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE "WRONG" SEX SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GROW UP AND BE HAPPY THAT YOU GET TO HAVE A HEALTHY BABY WHEN LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T!"
Just sayin'
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