2 Years Ago...

2 years ago I just knew everything with my little "nugget" was going to be just fine
I was going to see him or her on the ultrasound and know they were ok
I got up on that table, excited to see my baby
and then I had the wind knocked out of me with the words,
"there is no heartbeat, and no movement"

2 years ago I smoked a cigarette with a friend who came over just to give me a hug
I watched "man on fire" with my husband and knew I'd never want to watch it again
I cried and cried, wondering if it hurt my baby when their heart stopped
I wondered why

2 years ago I never thought I would be able to get past the pain
and I certainly never thought I would have the strength to do it all over again
I thought, this has happened to other people more than once, I don't know how they can do it

2 years ago we said goodbye
way too soon, no one wanted to

2 years ago we found out our baby died

Pangs

It happens all the time:
I'm minding my own business, and then BAM! a comment, a question, a baby, a belly. 
I know it is no one's fault.
I know people don't know, and who doesn't just LOVE pregnant ladies and babies?! (Me, that's who)
"She's having a girl in March," I overhear.
"We need to feed the kids" says a dad, patting the mom's belly.
And even, "I just saw a cute baby over there, mom."
No, I am not mad at how "mean" and "insensitive" people are; everyone has something bad and I'm a big fan of "get over it," "move on."
It's not even like a stab from a knife anymore.
Just a little pang of hurt.
It's usually unexpected.
I don't know if it will ever stop.