2 Years Ago...

2 years ago I just knew everything with my little "nugget" was going to be just fine
I was going to see him or her on the ultrasound and know they were ok
I got up on that table, excited to see my baby
and then I had the wind knocked out of me with the words,
"there is no heartbeat, and no movement"

2 years ago I smoked a cigarette with a friend who came over just to give me a hug
I watched "man on fire" with my husband and knew I'd never want to watch it again
I cried and cried, wondering if it hurt my baby when their heart stopped
I wondered why

2 years ago I never thought I would be able to get past the pain
and I certainly never thought I would have the strength to do it all over again
I thought, this has happened to other people more than once, I don't know how they can do it

2 years ago we said goodbye
way too soon, no one wanted to

2 years ago we found out our baby died

Yay, Summer???

Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited that it's summer.  BUT...

1.  I always THINK we're gonna do this, this, this, and that.  Then, it's a week before school starts and I realize we haven't done ANY of it.  So, I made a to-do list, hoping that seeing it in my little notebook will keep me motivated to actually DO many of the fun things on the list, which include:
*see my friend Patrick's newest play
*go on tours of Coors (which I haven't done since I was about 12) and of the celestial seasonings factory (which I got ditched out on the couple of times my mom went, when Trent was too young to go)
*join the summer reading programs and actually take advantage of the fun (FREE!) events they have going on throughout the summer for the kids
*go to Elitches, Water World, Lakeside, et cetera- and maybe even splurge for the front-of-the line passes so those days will be really fun, even if they're a tad pricey

2.  I kept telling myself that I would start feeling (physically) better by summer.  I don't.  Son-of-a..... Ryan is convinced that I have lupus, and I'm pretty sure he's right.

3.  Along with #2, people with lupus have a higher risk of miscarriage, so:
A.  If I'd have known I possibly had lupus before (and there WERE signs), is there something I could've done to help my baby Taylor? and
B.  I'm not getting pregnant, or trying to, ever again, if it means my chance of not having a baby is higher.  I can't do it.  I am in awe of those who have gone through it more than once.  I won't. and
C.  dealing will all the s**t that comes along with being sick enough to feel awful EVERY day, and with the emotional aspect of this all is taking a GIGANTIC toll on me.  I'm gonna have to see a dr.  But I'm scared.  And it's a let-down to know that even if I wanted to try for another baby (which I don't know about anymore), I'm not prepared to deal with doing so.

4.  Well...
I'm afraid this is going to sound superstitious and downright absurd, but it's been on my mind ever since last summer.  In 2009, J.J. died on August 15, my cousin died 2 weeks before that.  In 2010, I lost my baby on August 13, an old friend died 2 weeks after that.  I feel like there's this black cloud over my head and I'm really just paranoid as all get out that something awful is going to happen again at the end of the summer.  I mean, I'm not sitting around counting days til something bad happens, but it does cross my mind.  I can't take another terrible summer ending.  Like I said, it sounds paranoid, silly, so on...
I can't help it!

So my hopes and prayers are that I will spend this summer with my family doing fun things, feeling decent, and not worrying about how THIS August will go.

Wish me luck.