Distracted

I feel like I am constantly holding myself back.  I worry about things that are out of my hands, unlikely, or both.  I worry about the state of the world, my health, et cetera; I waste so much time hanging around the house doing not much of anything, especially not things I WANT to do, like draw, scrapbook, and so on, and oftentimes not even the things I NEED to do, like take care of the house, take care of myself, or finish school.  What I do not do enough of is LIVE and enjoy my life!  Maybe my health is not perfect, maybe sometimes I get down and need help, maybe there are scary things happening in the world that I wish I could fix or help or change, but those are not very good reasons to not remember to live, enjoy, and laugh!  I have been blessed with many things, and yet I keep myself in a state of mind that allows me to waste days in front of the T.V., computer, or both and not to just get out and have a good time.  I need help finding the motivation to stop distracting myself with unimportant drivel and to start living!  I am completely open to ANY suggestions at this point!  I am just so tired of feeling like I am not enjoying each wonderful day that I DO have.  Sometimes I wonder if maybe I AM crazy.

Wasting Time and Looking for Myself

For quite a while I have felt like I waste a lot of time doing nothing important.  I haven't finished school (still) which is really upsetting.  Sometimes I feel like I should just plain give up and other times I know I can finish and don't have to explain myself to anyone about why it has taken so long.  I have been stuck at my job, which I'd prefer not to be, but don't know where to look and I keep using that as an excuse.  I miss being artistic but I don't devote the time to do anything artistic and creative.  I've wanted to learn German for a long, long time and yet I don't.  I am tired of not doing anything useful anymore.  I really need to find some motivation to do the things I keep putting off and I am not sure where to start.

On the plus side, I feel like writing on this blog (despite a lack of interest from others) is a really good way to do one thing that I had been wanting to do for a long time: speak my mind.  I have gotten a lot out and have shared more than I dreamed I would have had the courage to.  Holding so much in and being lonely for so long really took a toll on me.  It's such a relief to have a place where I can get some thoughts out and have a place to sort all of the craziness in my head. 

Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me.  I know the circumstances were not always ideal, but I did the best I could from the very beginning and I am lucky that becoming a mother made me a better person.  I'm a far cry from perfect but I do my best to be a great mom.  Unfortunately, being a parent is not always wonderful.  Worrying about my children, and now losing one, is a very difficult thing to deal with.  A piece of me really wants a new baby again and an equally large piece of me would be horrified if I ended up pregnant.  I don't know what to do anymore.  I am scared that because it took almost 4 years to get pregnant again, I won't.  I am scared because if I did get pregnant again I'd wonder if something was wrong with us and I'd be afraid of losing another baby.  I know no one can help me with these issues, but I wish someone had all the answers.  I have never felt more all over the place in my life.  I feel so lost lately, I don't know how to get myself back.