16 months, 17 (18?) weeks, one day at a time

If Taylor had lived, she would be 16 months.  My life would be SO different.  I can't even fathom... Sleepless nights, baby toys strewn about, constantly having to keep an eye on her, baby pictures on the wall, hooded bath towels, diapers, baby food, sippy cups, my first attempt at breast feeding, car seats, blues clues, the list goes on and on.  So much of that little little kid stage, I don't even remember.  What would it all be like with a little one in the house (in the car, in the family)? 

If lil man would have lived, I'd be 17 weeks (?) along.  Well, according to my dates, I'd be 18 weeks today.  According to the ultrasound, I'd have been 17 weeks yesterday.  That's actually something I forgot to mention; according to a lot of the information I found, triploidies tend to be smaller- significantly so, even from the get go.  Perhaps this is why he was measuring 6 days behind on the ultrasound.  That convolutes things for me, though, because it makes it harder to know how far I really was, what date to consider my due date, etc.  I think Ryan and I kind of agreed that it made sense to go off the ultrasound, but I also KNOW there was no way that date could've been correct.  However, since that's what the ultrasound was measuring and since it was such a cool date, I'm cool going with it- New Years Day, 2013.  According to the first date of my last period, he would have been due the day after Christmas.  This also makes it kinda tough to pick out birthstone jewelry- should I have banked on December or January?  Who knew one week in the life of a baby who couldn't stay would make such a difference?  Yet, it does.  At least to me.  The due date and the date you say goodbye are all you get; not having one be definite is sort of devastating.  Was my date right, or theirs (I'd think it was likely in the middle)?  Would he have been a Christmas baby or a New Years one (either way would have been so cool)?  Should I be 17 weeks or 18 weeks pregnant?  Did I lose him at 7 weeks or 8?  A week can go by in a blink, but now it makes all the difference, and I just don't know.

What I do know is that I said goodbye May 15: 10 weeks and 1 day ago.  I haven't had a big breakdown (yet).  I HAVE had more moments where I'm offended just by the MENTION of a baby.  IT HURTS.  It's so hard and I have no idea when (or if, or how) I'll get to the point where I'm... ok.  I don't even want to be NEAR (like, within a mile radius) of a child under 2 or a pregnant woman.  Especially not one of those dippy broads who's stomach is on display like some beacon in the night, while she smiles and "glows" like, "oh, isn't it sooooo great that I'm pregnant?"  I HATE those oblivious, happy, isn't-it-great that I'm pregnant ladies.  I seriously wish I had some type of glasses I could wear that just blocked out little children and preggo ladies so I didn't even have to deal with their existence.  Ridiculous, I know.  I feel like a 3 year old even thinking it, but there it is. 

But, I've made it almost 2 years since we said good bye to Taylor and 2 months since we said good bye to our little boy, and I have the "what ifs" of the idea of a 16 month old and an 18 week (or so) pregnancy, and here I am.  I am alive.  It's all happened one day (sometimes one second) at a time.  I guess I've just got to keep taking it breath by breath...