Lots of things today!
1. It's national day of prayer. Cool!! I hope He will forgive me for not making enough time to pray, because I am really, really bad about giving myself that time, even though it is SO beneficial when I do. There is nothing like taking the time to reflect on what is good in my life, to give thanks, and to let the burden of some of my worries be lifted from my shoulders to Him. I also know that I should pray way more often. At any rate, it was great to have a reminder to do so today, even if some of the prayers were just quick, small reflections on who or what I am thankful for. I am also so grateful that my path (even though it is imperfect and there are things I regret) led me to where I am now; and that there is no doubt in my mind that He loves us and is always with us. While I have lost loved ones (and of course, being human, and being selfish, I still have my why? times), in some unexplainable way, the loss of those people has simply strengthened my belief that there is so much more to life than just living in this world.
2. For whatever reason, I was in a good mood today, and work went nicely (only a couple of minor snags). I wish every day could go like that! (Mostly) nice customers, good tips, 2 compliments. Did I mention that I wish every day could be like this? It's nice to know that I am doing a good job- even though it is not my ideal job- and it feels good to be appreciated and know that my hard work pays off. On a soapboxey note, not that I think anyone reading this thinks so, but for those who DO think that servers are lazy, or stupid, or that serving is not a respectable job- you're wrong! Servers have to be focused, pay attention to details, be organized, be speedy, carry around HEAVY plates, trays, etc; and, oh! we have to smile and put up with people who are rude and/or condescending and/or cheap and/or messy and/or clueless and/or loud and obnoxious (kids included!- YOU may think your screaming, demanding, messy kid is cute, but, weird! I DON'T). Ok, off the soapbox; but seriously, if you want to be under appreciated, be a server. It was GREAT to have a day where I know the majority of my customers truly appreciated my efforts, and were friendly and nice and treated me like a PERSON.
3. Today we graduated in karate; now Trent and I are green belts and Taryn is a purple! Graduating is always exciting; with every step we make, it feels like part of something bigger. We have all made great strides- physically and mentally, and it is fun to visualize how far we will all continue to go. I never expected that we would all be undertaking this journey together, and although it has a few downsides (price, one not always awesome instructor, days where one or the other of us has that "i just don't wanna" attitude), it is SO cool to be able to all do something as a family that helps us in lots of areas in our lives and gives us all a big goal to work toward.
4. It's almost Mother's Day! I love being able to celebrate being a mother and spending time with my children. There is not a day that passes that I don't thank God for each and every one of my children. I also enjoy letting my mother know how much she means to me. Furthermore, I now have a wonderful mother-in-law to celebrate as well. AND, I still have my sweet grandmother and my husbands grandmothers, and we enjoy letting them know how special they all are to all of us. We are blessed to have so many amazing women who love us and show us exactly what it means to be family.
5. It's Cinco de Mayo. While that doesn't necessarily matter to me, personally; it is fun to have known a lot of people from work who it does matter to. And to Rigo, I hope you are resting well, I don't think of you often, but I do think of you fondly, and with sadness that your short life came to an end in such a tragic way. I miss you at my mom's work, teasingly calling her "mudder-in-law" (that seems like a lifetime ago!)
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label motherhood. Show all posts
05 May 2011
23 March 2011
Tested
So.... Ryan's out of town (again) for work. I work 6 days in a row (and I have no idea how long it's been since I've done that)! So far, I've only worked the 3 days and I'm already completely exhausted. (And one of the days was super short so I could take Taryn to the doctor). I've barely been able to keep up with the house, we have yet to make it to karate this week, we've had girl scouts, a doctors appointment, boy scouts, a band concert, and now Trent isn't feeling well and may need to go to the doctor to get antibiotics for what I suspect is a uti (ouch :( )! I can barely stay awake past 9. I'm kinda bored and kinda lonely and kinda grumpy and I've snapped at the kids and feel like a jerk.
But then I still have a little girl who forgives me, and came into my room this morning to snuggle. I have a little boy who just had his second band concert and looked so grown up with his big baritone. But he even did "i (point to his eye) love (point to his heart) you (point at me) x (make an x with his fingers) o (make an o with his fingers)" from across the room.
It may be a trying week, but I sure am blessed!
But then I still have a little girl who forgives me, and came into my room this morning to snuggle. I have a little boy who just had his second band concert and looked so grown up with his big baritone. But he even did "i (point to his eye) love (point to his heart) you (point at me) x (make an x with his fingers) o (make an o with his fingers)" from across the room.
It may be a trying week, but I sure am blessed!
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09 October 2010
Coincidence
I took the night off tonight to go to a play with the kids, through boy scouts. We saw Dracula at a local theater and it was a lot of fun. The kids got to wear their Halloween costumes, so it was kind of nice for them to be able to wear them already, and to be able to use them more than once, even though Trent just wore his new karate uniform and brought the nunchucks from his ninja costume along. It was really cool to be able to spend extra time with the kids (as it always is) and to get out and do something different. Afterward, the people who own the theater gave the kids a tour of the theater and talked about the theater and taught the kids some general things about acting and stage directions. I think both of the kids enjoyed it; Ryan and I did, also.
The "coincidence" of all this is that, on the very first step of the tour, the instant we walked backstage, something immediately caught my eye. A small section of the brick wall was painted white, and people who had visited or been a part of the theater had written their names on the wall. Guess which name jumped right out at me the second we stepped backstage? If you said "Taylor Schell," then you were right! How crazy is that?! It kind of made me feel like no matter what, there would always be little reminders that my baby was someone who meant a lot, and that I (and others) will never forget : ) It's a great feeling!
Ryan took a picture:
The "coincidence" of all this is that, on the very first step of the tour, the instant we walked backstage, something immediately caught my eye. A small section of the brick wall was painted white, and people who had visited or been a part of the theater had written their names on the wall. Guess which name jumped right out at me the second we stepped backstage? If you said "Taylor Schell," then you were right! How crazy is that?! It kind of made me feel like no matter what, there would always be little reminders that my baby was someone who meant a lot, and that I (and others) will never forget : ) It's a great feeling!
Ryan took a picture:
I am also thrilled that Taylor's name has been written in the sand!! The original request didn't go through so we just emailed them back with what we would like the memorial to say. I can't wait to see it all when it's done : )
Update: recevied reply email yesterday, this link will now take you to the pic with how we wanted the memorial to read. Love it!
08 October 2010
Strong Enough
Being a mom is one of the hardest things anyone could hope to be. While it is amazingly rewarding, it is also full of struggle, heartache, headaches, and tears. A mom's job is to teach her children to be good, responsible, kind, thoughtful individuals. Yet the better the mom does that job, the more she needs to be able to let her children grow and learn, sometimes without her. As the kids get older I struggle constantly with this. When the kids want to do something on their own, and widen their boundaries a bit more, the good mom in me says "yes" while the worrying hoverer screams "no!" but luckily that no is usually just in the back of my mind.
I want to be a mom who is a mother, a role model, and a good influence and not one who tries to be cool and be a friend. My kids deserve more than that! They need ME (how amazing!) to teach them right from wrong, to provide boundaries, and to let them grow into whoever they choose to be. The older they get the harder this becomes. I hope I can always do a good job at this, but, sometimes I don't always know if I am or not. As Trent approaches 11 (!!!!) it becomes more and more apparent that he isn't just a child. We're still close, I just want to have the strength to be the PARENT he'll need as he grows into a man. Sometimes this is so scary! Will I really have the nerve to talk to him about drugs, sex, peer pressure, succeeding at his interests? Will we be close enough that he'll want to listen, or at least take to heart some of what I have to teach?
Mostly I worry that as we all grow, we will have times where we grow a bit further from each other. Am I strong enough to be able to go through those tough times when they don't like me and we don't see eye to eye? Am I brave enough to be the role model they will need? Do I have the courage to say no to them when it is what they need but not what they want to hear? I always hope and pray that I am and will be a good mother; I really need continued strength within and support from others to do so.
I want to be a mom who is a mother, a role model, and a good influence and not one who tries to be cool and be a friend. My kids deserve more than that! They need ME (how amazing!) to teach them right from wrong, to provide boundaries, and to let them grow into whoever they choose to be. The older they get the harder this becomes. I hope I can always do a good job at this, but, sometimes I don't always know if I am or not. As Trent approaches 11 (!!!!) it becomes more and more apparent that he isn't just a child. We're still close, I just want to have the strength to be the PARENT he'll need as he grows into a man. Sometimes this is so scary! Will I really have the nerve to talk to him about drugs, sex, peer pressure, succeeding at his interests? Will we be close enough that he'll want to listen, or at least take to heart some of what I have to teach?
Mostly I worry that as we all grow, we will have times where we grow a bit further from each other. Am I strong enough to be able to go through those tough times when they don't like me and we don't see eye to eye? Am I brave enough to be the role model they will need? Do I have the courage to say no to them when it is what they need but not what they want to hear? I always hope and pray that I am and will be a good mother; I really need continued strength within and support from others to do so.
01 October 2010
Wasting Time and Looking for Myself
For quite a while I have felt like I waste a lot of time doing nothing important. I haven't finished school (still) which is really upsetting. Sometimes I feel like I should just plain give up and other times I know I can finish and don't have to explain myself to anyone about why it has taken so long. I have been stuck at my job, which I'd prefer not to be, but don't know where to look and I keep using that as an excuse. I miss being artistic but I don't devote the time to do anything artistic and creative. I've wanted to learn German for a long, long time and yet I don't. I am tired of not doing anything useful anymore. I really need to find some motivation to do the things I keep putting off and I am not sure where to start.
On the plus side, I feel like writing on this blog (despite a lack of interest from others) is a really good way to do one thing that I had been wanting to do for a long time: speak my mind. I have gotten a lot out and have shared more than I dreamed I would have had the courage to. Holding so much in and being lonely for so long really took a toll on me. It's such a relief to have a place where I can get some thoughts out and have a place to sort all of the craziness in my head.
Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know the circumstances were not always ideal, but I did the best I could from the very beginning and I am lucky that becoming a mother made me a better person. I'm a far cry from perfect but I do my best to be a great mom. Unfortunately, being a parent is not always wonderful. Worrying about my children, and now losing one, is a very difficult thing to deal with. A piece of me really wants a new baby again and an equally large piece of me would be horrified if I ended up pregnant. I don't know what to do anymore. I am scared that because it took almost 4 years to get pregnant again, I won't. I am scared because if I did get pregnant again I'd wonder if something was wrong with us and I'd be afraid of losing another baby. I know no one can help me with these issues, but I wish someone had all the answers. I have never felt more all over the place in my life. I feel so lost lately, I don't know how to get myself back.
On the plus side, I feel like writing on this blog (despite a lack of interest from others) is a really good way to do one thing that I had been wanting to do for a long time: speak my mind. I have gotten a lot out and have shared more than I dreamed I would have had the courage to. Holding so much in and being lonely for so long really took a toll on me. It's such a relief to have a place where I can get some thoughts out and have a place to sort all of the craziness in my head.
Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know the circumstances were not always ideal, but I did the best I could from the very beginning and I am lucky that becoming a mother made me a better person. I'm a far cry from perfect but I do my best to be a great mom. Unfortunately, being a parent is not always wonderful. Worrying about my children, and now losing one, is a very difficult thing to deal with. A piece of me really wants a new baby again and an equally large piece of me would be horrified if I ended up pregnant. I don't know what to do anymore. I am scared that because it took almost 4 years to get pregnant again, I won't. I am scared because if I did get pregnant again I'd wonder if something was wrong with us and I'd be afraid of losing another baby. I know no one can help me with these issues, but I wish someone had all the answers. I have never felt more all over the place in my life. I feel so lost lately, I don't know how to get myself back.
23 September 2010
My Thoughts Vs. Reality
Ever since I was very young, I wanted to have 3 children. Of course, my "plans" [how silly it was to try to map out my life at the tender age of 17, but, anyway.... I've learned a lot since then : )] ended up being very different from God's plan for me. MY plan consisted of a successful career, and then 3 children all 3 years apart- modeled after my cousins, who, despite threatening to put each other up for "adoction" and pushing each other into fountains at the mall, seemed like a just right family- but that wasn't what was in the cards for me.
At 17, during my last semester of high school, I got pregnant with my son. I really was terrified; I knew my mom would be upset. Also, my boyfriend and I had an extremely unhealthy relationship. I stupidly thought about somehow trying to hide the pregnancy from my mom but of course that was not possible. When the dad and I broke up about midway through my pregnancy, he called my mom and told her that I couldn't break up with him because I was pregnant with his kid. This was not the best way to break it to her, but at least then she finally knew. It was a weight off my chest. Luckily, I was able to start college in the fall at 7 1/2 months pregnant. It was a little awkward, but I didn't realize how lucky I was at the time to be able to be starting school while pregnant with my first baby. I always thought it was so weird when people would praise me and ask how I did it. I just looked at it as doing what I had to do, and it really didn't seem special at the time. I don't know if I could do now what I did then again. I was lucky to have so much support! When Trent came in November of 1999, it was the best and craziest day ever. I didn't think he was ever coming! When he finally did it was the most amazing thing. He was big and beautiful and perfect, and it was SO strange (but awesome!) to know that I was someone's mom- I had a son! Crazy : ) Somehow, I was able to go back to school 4 days after he was born. Life went well, I did decently in school, I was learning to be a mom, and I was working and had a ton of help and support from my mom.
When Trent was just over 2, I met Erik. It was a chance meeting: we were both someplace we normally wouldn't be, and when I handed him my phone number he said thanks and grabbed it without missing a beat. It felt like some kind of crazy destiny. Unfortunately, we didn't really get along well. It felt like we had to hang out and we had this crazy connection, but we weren't very nice to each other. At 6 years older than me, he was much less mature than I thought he should be. Becoming a dad was not something he was ready for. This did not end up being something that was up to us, though. 6 weeks after we started dating, I became pregnant with Taryn. I was due in December and I was horrified that she'd be born during finals, which meant I would have to delay graduating until the next year. Fortunately, she cooperated with my schedule. On Tuesday, December 17 (the day of my last final, which was in the early morning), she decided to join us. She waited for me to finish, but then she was READY! My labor lasted about 5 hours from my first contraction to birth. We got to the hospital at 6:30 and she arrived 17 minutes later. She was gorgeous and wonderful and even though I was only 21 and the single mom to 2 babies, my life was great. I graduated from college 5 months later and was enjoying my family. Trent loved her so much and things were going really well.
When Trent started pre-school just before he turned 5, he began asking about having a dad (his dad stayed in the picture- kind of- for about 11 months, but had long been absent by now). His school did a lot of focus on father involvment (which was great except for Trent- who didn't have a father or even a good male role model). I always said I was never daddy shopping, but having children made dating a completely different game. I did not want to expose my kids to a series of random losers, and many guys my age were not ready to have kids- especially not one's who weren't theirs. When Trent was 5 and a half, and Taryn was 2 and a half, I met Ryan. We were close in age and he had just gotten out of a long, bad relationship. Within just a few months we were engaged. He was sweet and fun and loving, and he made me feel calm and happy. He loved the kids and they loved him very much, too. We got married in October of 2006 which was only 15 months after we met. It was a whirlwind, and things were not always perfect. But we both have learned a lot about each other, about parenting, and about how to have a great home and family. Now that we've come so far, I'm very happy with the decisions we've made that brought us to this point.
I always said after having the kids that if I wasn't pregnant again by the time Taryn was 5, then I wanted to be done. I was happy with a beautiful little boy and a beautiful little girl. I figured Ryan would want children of his own, but his thoughts about biology do not really match up with other people's ideas of the difference between bio children and non bio children. He was a daddy to these kids, and he was happy with that. I know we kind of both wanted another, but I always resisted and made excuses about why I didn't want more children. Being pregnant was usually awful for me, I got lots of morning sickness (both times all the way through the second trimester), gained a lot of weight, and basically, I just hated it. I guess I just made a bad pregnant lady with Trent and Taryn. After almost 4 years of not ending up pregnant, I think Ryan and I both had doubts about whether it could happen for us or not. So you can imagine my surprise when I started to gain a little weight and decided to take a pregnancy test, just in case (I did not want to be drinking or doing anything else that may jeopardize the baby, if there was one), and it was positive. All of my doubts went out the window! All of the objections I had fell by the wayside- even though I tried to tell myself that they were still things to consider and be concerned about. Lots would change, but Ryan and I both were ready for it. Just like that. He'd need a new car, we'd need a room for the baby and we'd need to renovate a room downstairs for Trent to move into. It didn't matter. At all. Once we told the kids, Trent was excited to be getting his own space and more privacy, so the worry of kicking him out of his room and isolating him wasn't even relevant. I began to wonder what it would be like to have a baby around. I thought about getting big, sharing the news, buying new baby things. I wanted to make a blanket and other things, and right from the start I was eager to know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I dreamed about how the nursery would look, about having a baby shower- we were all so excited! Now that I know the happiness of anticipating a new family member, I am sort of eager to try again. Not that a new baby would replace Taylor. AT ALL!
I guess we'll have to wait and see what the plan for me turns out to be. Lord knows what I think is going to happen doesn't usually turn out to be reality!
At 17, during my last semester of high school, I got pregnant with my son. I really was terrified; I knew my mom would be upset. Also, my boyfriend and I had an extremely unhealthy relationship. I stupidly thought about somehow trying to hide the pregnancy from my mom but of course that was not possible. When the dad and I broke up about midway through my pregnancy, he called my mom and told her that I couldn't break up with him because I was pregnant with his kid. This was not the best way to break it to her, but at least then she finally knew. It was a weight off my chest. Luckily, I was able to start college in the fall at 7 1/2 months pregnant. It was a little awkward, but I didn't realize how lucky I was at the time to be able to be starting school while pregnant with my first baby. I always thought it was so weird when people would praise me and ask how I did it. I just looked at it as doing what I had to do, and it really didn't seem special at the time. I don't know if I could do now what I did then again. I was lucky to have so much support! When Trent came in November of 1999, it was the best and craziest day ever. I didn't think he was ever coming! When he finally did it was the most amazing thing. He was big and beautiful and perfect, and it was SO strange (but awesome!) to know that I was someone's mom- I had a son! Crazy : ) Somehow, I was able to go back to school 4 days after he was born. Life went well, I did decently in school, I was learning to be a mom, and I was working and had a ton of help and support from my mom.
When Trent was just over 2, I met Erik. It was a chance meeting: we were both someplace we normally wouldn't be, and when I handed him my phone number he said thanks and grabbed it without missing a beat. It felt like some kind of crazy destiny. Unfortunately, we didn't really get along well. It felt like we had to hang out and we had this crazy connection, but we weren't very nice to each other. At 6 years older than me, he was much less mature than I thought he should be. Becoming a dad was not something he was ready for. This did not end up being something that was up to us, though. 6 weeks after we started dating, I became pregnant with Taryn. I was due in December and I was horrified that she'd be born during finals, which meant I would have to delay graduating until the next year. Fortunately, she cooperated with my schedule. On Tuesday, December 17 (the day of my last final, which was in the early morning), she decided to join us. She waited for me to finish, but then she was READY! My labor lasted about 5 hours from my first contraction to birth. We got to the hospital at 6:30 and she arrived 17 minutes later. She was gorgeous and wonderful and even though I was only 21 and the single mom to 2 babies, my life was great. I graduated from college 5 months later and was enjoying my family. Trent loved her so much and things were going really well.
When Trent started pre-school just before he turned 5, he began asking about having a dad (his dad stayed in the picture- kind of- for about 11 months, but had long been absent by now). His school did a lot of focus on father involvment (which was great except for Trent- who didn't have a father or even a good male role model). I always said I was never daddy shopping, but having children made dating a completely different game. I did not want to expose my kids to a series of random losers, and many guys my age were not ready to have kids- especially not one's who weren't theirs. When Trent was 5 and a half, and Taryn was 2 and a half, I met Ryan. We were close in age and he had just gotten out of a long, bad relationship. Within just a few months we were engaged. He was sweet and fun and loving, and he made me feel calm and happy. He loved the kids and they loved him very much, too. We got married in October of 2006 which was only 15 months after we met. It was a whirlwind, and things were not always perfect. But we both have learned a lot about each other, about parenting, and about how to have a great home and family. Now that we've come so far, I'm very happy with the decisions we've made that brought us to this point.
I always said after having the kids that if I wasn't pregnant again by the time Taryn was 5, then I wanted to be done. I was happy with a beautiful little boy and a beautiful little girl. I figured Ryan would want children of his own, but his thoughts about biology do not really match up with other people's ideas of the difference between bio children and non bio children. He was a daddy to these kids, and he was happy with that. I know we kind of both wanted another, but I always resisted and made excuses about why I didn't want more children. Being pregnant was usually awful for me, I got lots of morning sickness (both times all the way through the second trimester), gained a lot of weight, and basically, I just hated it. I guess I just made a bad pregnant lady with Trent and Taryn. After almost 4 years of not ending up pregnant, I think Ryan and I both had doubts about whether it could happen for us or not. So you can imagine my surprise when I started to gain a little weight and decided to take a pregnancy test, just in case (I did not want to be drinking or doing anything else that may jeopardize the baby, if there was one), and it was positive. All of my doubts went out the window! All of the objections I had fell by the wayside- even though I tried to tell myself that they were still things to consider and be concerned about. Lots would change, but Ryan and I both were ready for it. Just like that. He'd need a new car, we'd need a room for the baby and we'd need to renovate a room downstairs for Trent to move into. It didn't matter. At all. Once we told the kids, Trent was excited to be getting his own space and more privacy, so the worry of kicking him out of his room and isolating him wasn't even relevant. I began to wonder what it would be like to have a baby around. I thought about getting big, sharing the news, buying new baby things. I wanted to make a blanket and other things, and right from the start I was eager to know if the baby was a boy or a girl. I dreamed about how the nursery would look, about having a baby shower- we were all so excited! Now that I know the happiness of anticipating a new family member, I am sort of eager to try again. Not that a new baby would replace Taylor. AT ALL!
I guess we'll have to wait and see what the plan for me turns out to be. Lord knows what I think is going to happen doesn't usually turn out to be reality!
22 September 2010
I Don't Really Know Where to Start, But....
I really feel like I need to do this. It has simply been far too overwhelming to live my life day to day and act like everything is ok. I always hold SO MUCH in and I don't have anyone I can be completely open with. I don't speak my mind, I don't emote, I don't get anything off my chest. It's just gotten to be too much lately. I am tired of not speaking out when there is so much going on in my head, and in my heart.
So. What's going on? Why do I feel this way? Well, anyone who knows me knows that recently I miscarried a baby. This is so much harder than anyone who hasn't gone through it could possibly understand! I am so ashamed to admit that I honestly never understood how upsetting and awful this could possibly be. There is no way to describe how awful it felt to get on that ultrasound table and knowing, knowing but not understanding entirely, that my baby was no longer alive. I remember her saying, 9 weeks, 4 days, and thinking, how did the baby's growth slow down, I should be about 10 weeks, it's too small. I wondered what she needed to do to her equipment to get the heartbeat to show up. Then it all sank in, but my mind tried to protect itself just a bit longer. Finally, she said the words. She showed me where the baby's head was, where it's abdomen was, where the heart was, and finally said, "and there's no heartbeat, and no motion." I didn't know (despite already having 2 kids) that at 9 w 4 d the baby's heart is already completely developed, that they have arms, legs, fingers and toes, and already are in there moving around like crazy! It is SO amazing to think that a baby the size of a quarter (!) can move and play. Now that a little time has passed, it makes me smile to think about it. The night I found out (Friday, August 13), however, I just lied on the couch and SOBBED! All I could think about was that tiny baby in there, moving, growing, developing, it's heart beating like crazy (172 bpm at the ultrasound on my birthday), and suddenly, for reasons I will never get to know in my lifetime, it all just.... stopped. Did it hurt? How did it happen? Why this baby, and why me, and why our family? It really doesn't seem fair (yes, I know that is a whiney thing to say, but it's true).
These weeks following have been so crazy. I honestly feel lost. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, act, or think. Society doesn't treat miscarriages like other deaths, and now that I know what it's like, I am so PISSED that this is the case. It's not "just a miscarriage." It's the loss of a baby! It's wondering, was it a boy or a girl, what happened, why me, what would this baby have looked like, have been like, how would he or she changed our family? There are so many questions we will never have answered, and that is so hard to live with! With that, I have always swore that if I had another baby (which I insisted I wouldn't, but that's a thought for a different time), that regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl, its name would be Taylor. So, now you all know who Taylor is when I speak of him or her. I refuse to live my whole life out referring to this precious child as "it." I will speak of Taylor often, because I love this baby, and I am not going to pretend like this never happened! No one who's had a miscarriage should have to.
So. What's going on? Why do I feel this way? Well, anyone who knows me knows that recently I miscarried a baby. This is so much harder than anyone who hasn't gone through it could possibly understand! I am so ashamed to admit that I honestly never understood how upsetting and awful this could possibly be. There is no way to describe how awful it felt to get on that ultrasound table and knowing, knowing but not understanding entirely, that my baby was no longer alive. I remember her saying, 9 weeks, 4 days, and thinking, how did the baby's growth slow down, I should be about 10 weeks, it's too small. I wondered what she needed to do to her equipment to get the heartbeat to show up. Then it all sank in, but my mind tried to protect itself just a bit longer. Finally, she said the words. She showed me where the baby's head was, where it's abdomen was, where the heart was, and finally said, "and there's no heartbeat, and no motion." I didn't know (despite already having 2 kids) that at 9 w 4 d the baby's heart is already completely developed, that they have arms, legs, fingers and toes, and already are in there moving around like crazy! It is SO amazing to think that a baby the size of a quarter (!) can move and play. Now that a little time has passed, it makes me smile to think about it. The night I found out (Friday, August 13), however, I just lied on the couch and SOBBED! All I could think about was that tiny baby in there, moving, growing, developing, it's heart beating like crazy (172 bpm at the ultrasound on my birthday), and suddenly, for reasons I will never get to know in my lifetime, it all just.... stopped. Did it hurt? How did it happen? Why this baby, and why me, and why our family? It really doesn't seem fair (yes, I know that is a whiney thing to say, but it's true).
These weeks following have been so crazy. I honestly feel lost. I don't know how I am supposed to feel, act, or think. Society doesn't treat miscarriages like other deaths, and now that I know what it's like, I am so PISSED that this is the case. It's not "just a miscarriage." It's the loss of a baby! It's wondering, was it a boy or a girl, what happened, why me, what would this baby have looked like, have been like, how would he or she changed our family? There are so many questions we will never have answered, and that is so hard to live with! With that, I have always swore that if I had another baby (which I insisted I wouldn't, but that's a thought for a different time), that regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl, its name would be Taylor. So, now you all know who Taylor is when I speak of him or her. I refuse to live my whole life out referring to this precious child as "it." I will speak of Taylor often, because I love this baby, and I am not going to pretend like this never happened! No one who's had a miscarriage should have to.
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