Welp, Went to the Doctor Today and... NOTHIN'. Yet.

Going to the doctor was discouraging and uneventful.  We didn't start the recurrent miscarriage panel on me because the doctor brought up cost.  Well, frankly, I don't care much about the cost, but it's not only up to me and right now we can't afford a big unexpected expense, so we're going to see what insurance will cover first and work it out from there.  It's annoying that I can't figure out what's going on because we have to be concerned with finances.  The way the medical system works is totally fucked.  Just putting that out there. 

It was also discouraging because, as nice as the doctor seems, she wasn't very positive about the outcome of doing the panel.  Basically, she seemed to think the outcome may not produce answers and used the word "tricky" several times.  The test on the baby is "tricky,"  the panel might be "tricky" as often everything turns up "normal" (what DOES that mean, medically, anyway?  the range of "normal" results for any given thing is ridiculously large), even if something wrong did turn up with my results, dealing with it or fixing it or making it better next time can be "tricky."  She also said that "some physicians might say 'what's the point?'"  REALLY?  The point, for me, is not having to keep losing a baby who once had a heartbeat.  Isn't that a good enough reason?

Also, they had not yet yielded any results on the baby.  I REALLY REALLY hope this doesn't mean that we won't be able to find anything out.  I'm pretty torn.  If we find out nothing, then I'll still have billions of questions... forever.  If we find out something was wrong with the baby, then, well, something was wrong with my baby.  If we find out the baby was OK, then we'll wonder why this happened, or if there was something we could've done to prevent it.  It's hard, but I'd like to know either way.  It won't change what happened, but a little closure would be great.

We'd like to try again but at this point, I don't know what to do.  We're not getting any younger, the kids aren't getting any younger, and I don't want to push my luck and find out how many times I can deal with going through this.  It's so frustrating and upsetting.  I know I feel discouraged.

Some of the Why's

It is very frustrating not having answers about Taylor.  I hate to be a whiner, but IT'S NOT FAIR.  There is so much about this experience that leads me to that conclusion, so it is hard not to say it sometimes.  Overall, the treatment of miscarriages is so ridiculous, I can NOT believe it.  This has been a really crappy learning experience! I feel so bad for people who have been through this, especially more than once.  It makes me feel terrible that so many people have gotten the treatment I have: the brush-off's, the not taking it seriously, or acting as if it is not the loss of a child, the b.s. explanations: "it's probably a genetic or chromosomal problem."  Not knowing much of anything has really been the hardest part.  Especially after looking into miscarriage as much I could and finding out that slightly over half of tested miscarried babies have a chromosomal or genetic problem.  That means that many miscarriages end just.... because.  Was something wrong with my baby?  It is not a comforting thought AT ALL to have that be the explanation.  But is it worse to think that Taylor was fine, that there really is no good reason that he or she is gone?  Another thing that really bothers me, and I hate to even go here, is that medical practitioners do not tell you (or, at least, they didn't tell me) that you can save the tissue, and, ultimately, the fetus, and at least bury it or something.  Actually passing everything was mindblowingly agonizing, everytime something came out I wondered, was that the baby?  I wish I could go back and maybe have a D & C, testing may not have been possible but at least I could have buried my baby or at least know where the baby went.  It is ridiculous that mothers who miscarry bleed their babies into a toilet and no one thinks to tell them they don't have to.

I wish more people in the medical profession had more compassion and treated their patients like people.