A few posts in one

I would break these up into a few posts, but I'm rarely on the computer, and I feel like a lot of people don't follow very regularly and I don't want any of this to get missed, so I'm doing several posts in one.  Since I'm sort of on the subject, I'll start with:

(to be read in a non-sarcastic, somewhat ironic or silly, I'm just being honest tone)
***Can those of you who actually DO follow, please click "follow" and then even leave me comments sometimes?  The reasoning behind this request are many, which include me being somewhat needy (I guess) and throwing ALL this out there because sometimes, I really need to know that someone IS listening, does care, and that I don't have to always go through it all alone.  Having 8 followers (which is a number that hasn't changed in 2 years), many of whom NEVER comment, make me feel like NO ONE IS LISTENING (or, reading).  Ryan tells me all time, "you reach so many people, tons of people read your blog and care what you say."  Uh, really?  I can't tell when I get no comments on most posts.  Furthermore, I really hate when people make excuses or reasons like "who would care what I think?" or "I don't want to comment on every post, you'll get sick of me." Um, no!  Got something to say?  I care!  I care if you think I'm bein' a douche, I care if you think I've helped you be more caring, I care if you feel bad, I care if you think SOMETHING, ANYTHING!  Wanna be supportive?  Leave me a comment, lemme know!  Wanna set me straight?  Leave me a comment, lemme know!  Wanna tell me I'm a whiner?  Leave a comment... I can't/don't/won't know if you don't say so, and I don't (AT ALL) expect 100% support.  I don't expect everyone to say "oh, honey, sweetie, baby cakes, poor you!"  I've offended?  Set me straight!  I've given you something to think about?  Tell me!  You're so super sorry about what's happened to me?  Please say so!  (Sometimes I really need to hear it)... 
Another reason for this request is because, even though sometimes I have angry, downright mean things to say, and sometimes they seem to be about someone specific, I am actually NOT that shitty of a person.  I care who my audience is, so if I know what I'm thinking might hurt or offend someone, I will make a point to be more sensitive.  Not that I'm necessarily going to censor myself, but the point of this blog is to be honest and let people know where my mind (SOMETIMES) goes; not to lose friends and piss people off.  Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest because I can get bogged down in negative emotions, then, sometimes weeks later, it's brought to my attention that I've hurt someone or was overly mean/rude/hateful.  I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, however, there are times I just need to get. it. out.  My feelings can be hell to live with sometimes, but they are not who I am.  They come and go so quickly and seemingly without reason.  One day I find out someone is pregnant and I'm thrilled and I think, "oh, maybe I'm starting to feel better,"  then the next day (or 5 minutes later), I see a pregnant stranger and want to kick her in the shin.  Then I think, "DAMMIT!  When will I feel ok?!"  That got a little off track... oops.  Anyway, all I'm TRYING to say is, I care who might be reading this and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for any reason.  You're my friend or family member and you're preggo or have a new baby?  I still love you!  I AM happy for you!  Sometimes it's a little hard for me, though.  I'm not blogging to hurt your feelings, I promise!

Nextly, (sheesh, that first part was long),
I've said in the past that I don't want to call anyone out, but I was WRONG!  So, here goes (in no particular order, and I'm sorry if I miss anyone):
* Jenny J:  thank you for ALWAYS being there, and for not being afraid to say you're sorry or that you care. And, of, course, for the BEAUTIFUL cross stitch honoring Taylor (If you ever wanted to do another for Tristan-- in ALL your spare time--wink, wink...)  But seriously, you've been an amazing source of support.
*Chris W:  sometimes the things I write you could take such offense to, and you don't, and I can't tell you HOW MUCH that means!  I LOVE YOU for taking the time to let me know when you've read and try to cheer me up, and I hope you know I LOOOOVVVVE those beautiful babies of yours, too.
*Brenda S:  you've always been someone I admired for being HILARIOUS and I was always happy Trent was your birthday buddy because I'd be thrilled to have a kid with a sense of humor like yours!  You're a great mom and even though we haven't seen each other in years, you've left me a couple of the most amazing and sweet comments here and your kind words have been helpful and inspirational!
*Derek and Ariel C:  Derek, for a long time you were one of my only friends, and you always were amazing to talk to and then you met your wifey and I had another friend in her!  What a blessing.  But the thing I love, love, LOVE the most was when you shrieked like a little girl when I told you I was pregnant with Taylor (and secondly for working for me on Christmas- I still owe you a favor for that one)!  You 2 are great friends!
*Cassie M:  we've lost touch and had some rough times, but when I lost Taylor, you dropped by just to show you care, and I don't think we said much (as there's not much to say) but you hugged me, smoked with me, and sat with me, and I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to just BE THERE.
*Andrea M: you're one of the only people I see with any sort of regularity (even though it's not enough), and even though I can tell sometimes talking about all this makes you a little uneasy (trust me! I understand), you're always a good listener and I don't know what I'd do without our (sometimes) walks.
*Kim R:  You've had lots of struggles of your own but you never lost your spunk and now things are happening for you and I truly wish you nothing but the best.  You took the time to read and then you had the guts to be honest with me and even though I wasn't totally receptive at the time, I've told you before and I'll tell you again now that I DO appreciate you and I have nothing but respect for you saying what you feel to me.  Your honesty was a kick in the right direction for me.
*Kim E:  You're one of the awesomest people I know and I am so lucky we've become friends.  I have had so many great times with you and I can't wait for that friend date (remember the one from 4 months ago we never got around to? we're still gonna do it-- without kids!  Although our larkburger friend date was awesome and so generous of you, we need some grown up time!)  You gave me the beautiful hanging flower basket after my second loss and I nurtured it all summer.  I loved looking at it and having a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.
*Katharine:  I know today is a terrible day for you.  I'M SO SORRY!  But I wouldn't be where I am today without you and your blog and I think you are such an amazing woman, writer, MOTHER, wife, pet mom, and friend!  ((((((((((HUGGGGGGGS))))))))))
*Jamie:  you are much classier than I am and yet you read my blog with understanding and kind words.  You're an amazing lady.  You keep me inspired and sometimes you're the sole commenter on a post and the ONLY way I know that someone cares.  THAT means a ton to me, and SO DO YOU!!!
*Kate VOS: What can I say?  You're my sister and one of my best friends.  You're always there for me, and I LOVE YOU.
*Becky VO:  I got so lucky to get you for a mother in law!  Sometimes I feel like you get the short end of my temper and/or honesty and I just want you to know I'm never trying to be mean to you.  I am SO appreciative that I can be honest with you- it's done WONDERS to have someone to talk to who will always let me say what I need to say and try to offer support, advice, and understanding.
*Millie VO:  You always are patient, kind, and a good listener and I thank you, so much, for being there for me!
*Michelle U:  You understand what I've been through and you have remembered me (us) at times when no one else has.  The cards you've sent have been so thoughtful and have been such a help to me on hard days when I feel like no one else remembers my sweet heaven kids.
*Rachel B:  We've been friends for, what, EVER?  We've lost touch sometimes over the years but you've ALWAYS been there for me.  Always.  When I was pregnant with Trent and scared, you were there.  When I got married, you were there.  And now, when I feel bad, you're there!  I love you!
*Roxie F:  Lord knows you have problems of your own!  Some downright comical and some so sad and frustrating they HAVE to be comical or they'd be too damn depressing to bear.  Yet you've told me time and again that just because you have things going on doesn't mean you can't be there for me.  Even better, you've SHOWN me that's totally true!  I know we don't see each other enough but I love all the crazy escapades we've had and I wouldn't trade a second of any of the crazy times we've had together.  Love you, Julian, and Jane.
*Nicole W:  The thing I love the most about you is that you always have a kind word and you have the amazing gift of EMPATHY.  You don't say "I know how you feel" you say "I can't imagine how that feels".  That means so much to me that you understand the difference yet always have a kind and encouraging word even though you haven't been in this situation.  I'm lucky to have you for a cousin!  Love you!
*Christina H:  You used to be my husband's cousin, but now you are MY FRIEND.  I am so grateful for you and am so happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other and hang out.  Our times together have been a blast.  I also LOVE the necklace you made me and it's so nice to have something tangible to put on, look at, and touch when I need something to remind me of my other 2 kiddos.

(wow, this list has gotten WAY longer than I thought).  I know there are TONS more I'm missing.  So thank you ten times over for reading, commenting, messaging, sending cards, any and every show of support has been SO APPRECIATED and has helped me SO MUCH.  I love all of you!

Nextly, (there's more?!)
here are a couple of secrets and maybe a little clarification as to why a couple of my more recent entries were a little bitter:

A LONG time ago (like, several months before Taylor came, then went), I had a dream that I had triplets.  At the time, I was mortified by the idea and was also bewildered as I was pretty much over the idea of having ANY more children, let alone THREE.  In the dream, we had turned the whole large section of the basement into one huge nursery and I had these 3 babies I was thrilled to have.  I still have NO idea where the idea of triplets would've come from or what possessed me to be thinking of this while I was in dreamland, but it's always been in a little corner of my mind ever since.  When I found out I was pregnant the first time again, I almost half expected there to be more than one baby.  One of the first things I asked the ultrasound tech (somewhat disappointedly) was, "so, there's just one?"  The next time, I had a feeling I might be having twins.  I'm still not convinced Tristan didn't have a brother or sister in there with him before our ultrasound.  Anyway, this idea of "my triplets" is something that I kinda/sorta (am I CRAZY?!) want.  I just can't shake it.  So, in October (trying to think of how to word this somewhat delicately without entering TMI territory), despite the fact that I was sorta actively trying to prevent becoming pregnant (since I'm convinced-ish that any pregnancy would result in losing it so I kind of feel like a selfish murderer if I try again without nailing down some more answers as to what the heck is wrong), I realized that we could POSSIBLY become pregnant that month.  I sort of half expected to, and didn't really know how to feel about it.  THEN, one day I got SICK.  Like, fine, perfectly fine, then nauseous ended up puking my guts out sick.  If it was something like morning sickness, it would've been EARLY.  But... not impossible.  The idea of this being the case was kind of exciting because I was sick as hell with Trent and Taryn but not at all with Taylor and Tristan so I thought, maybe if I WAS pregnant, and if I was experiencing morning sickness at 3 weeks, the pregnancy might last and also, MAYBE the super early morning sickness could be due to having more than one (for instance, "my triplets") in there, causing hormones and symptoms to go crazy.  A week later, my period was due but hadn't come yet, and I was nauseous AGAIN.  And, literally as I was googling "morning sickness at 3 weeks (and totally getting my hopes up), my period came, crushing my hopes.  3 days later, I found out that someone I know and see quite a lot is pregnant and I just was crushed.  It was a VERY BAD NIGHT.  Then I had some pretty rough posts.  There's my big secret(s)!  :/

Thanks for reading, that might've been the longest post in the history of blogging!  (Please don't forget about the first section, and leave me a comment!)