Mis... conceptions

I know I tend to seem very vocal and oftentimes really bitter or harsh or angry, but the truth is, that's just a little piece of me and my feelings.  I don't really have an easy time saying what's on my mind, or sharing secrets, or trusting people, so I usually just don't.  I'm sure after some of the things I've said in this space, that seems hard to believe, but it's always been easier for me to write... even if I know it's not anonymous.  I get that people will see what I post and that some people will "get" exactly what I'm attempting to explain, and some people will maybe think I'm looking for sympathy, and some people will think that I'm mean or bitter or angry, or some people might take offense or think that I'm a hateful person, and I understand why any of those scenarios would be plausible.  The thing that I guess even I'm just realizing about some of the things I've said is that it's just a small piece of how I actually feel.  Also, most posts are stemmed by... something.  And I usually don't explain what that "something" specifically is because I do not want to point fingers or call people out or say, "I was upset by such and so because blah de blah," so I say general things and then people just assume I'm only referring to them.  So I'll clarify, a little.  I still don't want to be specific, but I will say that I'm not UNHAPPY for people who are pregnant.  Now, obviously I'd be lying my ass off if I said I was always super thrilled and not jealous or even sometimes angry.  Not angry at specific people, but angry because that's not how it's going for me and sometimes it's hard to see other people experience this when, for some reason, my family is not.  I think sometimes it's pretty easy to guess where a single post might have come from [seeing facebook pregnancy announcements (plurally, being the operative idea there, seeing 5 in one week is what's overwhelming, not one and then I'm pissed) or a friend who is unhappy for whatever sex of baby she's having, etc], but sometimes there is a lot more behind what I say than I explain or let on.  So I might say, "I want to scream that I don't care who's pregnant" and it LOOKS like I hate all pregnant people or never want to hear about them or be supportive or excited, but part of what's behind that is actually the frustration I have when people really close to me, even family, are constantly telling me who's pregnant or what's going on with a pregnancy or email me deets about a new baby on a day when it's REALLY hard for me to hear it (like the anniversary of Taylor's due date), and I want to scream AT THEM.  NOT at the person who is having or has had a baby.  There are some people I guess I just assume should KNOW that it would be hard for me and I figure it'd be common sense for them to just NOT say anything to me about stuff like that, but they do, and my frustration and irritation is ON THEM, not on the person they are telling me about.  (And this generally isn't referring to friends telling me about other friends or someone they know or something they heard.  I can HANDLE knowing babies exist and do funny and cute and awesome things).  And sometimes, it's true, A single pregnancy upsets me, but it's not the person or their baby but where my mind goes when I find out.  The upset is about my circumstance, not them.  For instance, I recently found out that someone I frequently see is pregnant, and I watched her in a situation do modified things because of it, and then my mind started on me and I started thinking of all the things that SHOULD be different for me right now and how MY situation would be totally different if I were still pregnant.  Sometimes I have no control over something that will trigger me to have thoughts about "what should have been."  So I'm not MAD at that single person for having a baby, I'm mad at my situation and the fact that I am not, and I should be.  And I know it's silly to constantly dwell on SHOULDS, but it's hard not to sometimes, and it's hard not to wonder what might have been, and it's hard to watch someone else be pregnant and know that should be me.  Right now.  I should have been in her shoes and it was really hard not to be.  And people saw the upset on my face, but I couldn't say, "I'm not having a hard time because we're doing something difficult, I'm having a hard time because your wife is pregnant!"  So, I let people think whatever they wanted to, but the truth was, I was having a hard time because my mind UNEXPECTEDLY started thinking deeper about how far along I'd be, and how EVERYTHING would be different for me at that time.  To top it off, I THEN thought, I'm really happy to be where I am and doing what I'm doing and then I felt even WORSE because it was almost like I was happy I wasn't pregnant because I wouldn't be where I was if I still was pregnant.  And of course, it's not like I'd pick being able to do something over being able to have another baby, but that guilt was there.  I never know what is going to trigger those thoughts, and sometimes, it's the new knowledge that someone is having a baby that does it.  Then it seems like I am unhappy FOR THEM or mad AT THEM, but that simply is not the case.  Sometimes when I write I don't clarify enough, mainly because I know that ANYONE could be reading and I DON'T want them to assume it's ABOUT THEM.  What I write is about me.  And I KNOW it can be bitter and not pretty, but it is honest and I know a lot of women who have been in my shoes can relate.  And I say what I say and sometimes I say seemingly nasty things for 2 main reasons: I want people who are like I used to be, who thought losing a baby was something you just get over and try again, to UNDERSTAND that it's hard and devestating, and know that the miscarriage wasn't just "tissue," it was a person, it was hopes and dreams, it was someone's CHILD.  You can't recover that!  Secondly, I want to be a voice for people who don't think it's ok to feel what they feel after going through this, and I want someone who's been through it to see ALL of how I've felt, and to know that it's NORMAL to have a hard time and that it's OK!  So, I am not going to stop being honest, but I do want everyone to know that I AM mindful that anyone could see this and some people might not totally understand where I am coming from or all the reasons why I say what I say, so I will try to be more clear, or less general, or give a better explaination to WHAT some of the things were that are behind what I'm saying.  It's not my intent to hurt people or take away their joy, it's my intent to express what I'm going through and what's upsetting to me.  I'll try to be better about explaining WHY.