*Sorry for the sideways pic, it was drawn about 5/16 or 5/17/12... After we lost Tristan but before we had the guts to tell the kids. As you can see, Taryn drew me (pregnant) and her holding hands, and wrote "I love you mamma, hopefully it goes well." I don't think anything, ever, has made me more sad than this sweet, innocent drawing.
*I know no one thinks that their pregnancy is going to offend someone, and I guess it doesn't, necessarily, but it just gets overwhelming. The newest facebook announcement, the latest comments, the texts saying, "I'm having contractions," the "guess who's having a baby?" And I really, really, really want to SCREAM sometimes. Sometimes I want to say, "I don't CARE who's pregnant, I'm not happy for them, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!" But holy shit, if I said THAT, I might OFFEND someone. I might make someone UNCOMFORTABLE. Hell, I might even make someone FEEL BAD. Cuz obviously getting the "there's no heartbeat" announcement, or, worse, literally seeing your baby come out of you, tiny, helpless, and dead, felt fuckin' awesome. I just HATE to have to make anyone feel awkward for 2 seconds about my inconvenient dead babies.
*the genetic test results which, A. say "missed abortion" (i didn't miss shit, 4 days after we had a heartbeat, I had the baby fall into the toilet- too graphic? oops) and B. refer to MY CHILD as the "products of conception." PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?! This "product" had a beating heart! Hello!!
*telling someone that you told someone the truth (instead of that you were sick or on vacation) and they say, "you TOLD her?" I'd just been through hell and back, and now I have to make up some wild story about it, too? What the HELL is wrong with our society that someone can't say, "my baby died" and then have FEELINGS about that, too?
*people who say stupid shit like, "please stop making me nauseous, baby" "I hate having to pee all the time" "I'm having a terrible boy" "I didn't want another baby" etc, etc. Know what's worse than having pregnancy symptoms? NOT having them cause your baby died. Know what's worse than a terrible boy? A dead boy. Stupid shit also includes, but I'm SURE is not limited to:
*next time we'll make sure you don't lift anything heavy
*I'm glad it happened early on
*there was probably something wrong with the baby
*why are you dwelling on this
*you should be happy for such-and-so, they had a hard pregnancy
*this makes you appreciate your kids more (actually, I feel like it's opposite- it makes me hurt to know what I'm missing out on even more)
*you should be grateful for the kids you have (keep THAT in mind the next time YOU lose a loved one, k? "welp, mom died, but my dad is still alive. cool.")
(yes, I personally have heard ALL of these, and more, I'm sure, from my besties, my family, the people I love the most. Yes, I GET that they were "well meaning" but this all still HURTS. So, if you read this, and you know someone else who loses a baby, do NOT say any of these things)
So... why am I a little mad at the world? Because people think it's ok and normal to push miscarriages under the rug like they're no big deal. It negates the feelings and pain of millions of people who had hopes and dreams about their child but were left with NOTHING tangible. A couple ultrasound photos, maybe genetic results, IF THEY ARE LUCKY. Mostly, you get your hopes and dreams crushed in one terrible moment and a whirlwind of what the heck just happened to me? The knowledge that you WERE pregnant and now you're not (was it all just a dream, you've got nothing to prove it wasn't). Then you get to live in a world where babies are just so freaking great and you should just be tickled fricken pink to be SURROUNDED by ladies who are having or have just had babies and it makes you feel like this miracle gets to happen to everyone on the planet BUT YOU. To top it off you are told it wasn't your fault but then you (more times than not) are given no answers as to what happened (you're just told some bullshit about "genetic abnormalities" even though TONS of tested babies are perfect). Heaven forbid you get pregnant again, because it's so not fun, and that's not how it should be. You don't tell people because you're terrified and you don't want to untell them. Then you lose the baby and no one knows that baby even existed so they say stuff like, "I'm so jealous you can drink" 4 days after and you want to choke them even though they're one of your favorite family members so you just choke down your sangria and go cry and bleed in the bathroom by yourself. So, yeah, those are a couple of reasons why it seems like the world is ganging up on me to make me a little crazy, and a lot sad.
I am so very sorry Alex! I do understand how you are feeling! I am PROUD of you for not being afraid to post this. People don't understand all the emotions you go through, the depression, heart ache, anger, mourning just to name a few. They expect you just to move on and forget about the precious life you carried. It has been 11 years since my baby Danny went away. I always wonder what she would have looked like, and what funny and amazing things she would have done. I can only share with you that the pain doesn't ever go away, I just learned how handle it. You are in my thoughts and prayers a lot! Sending hugs, love and laughter to you!
ReplyDeleteLove Brenda
Amen and ((((hugs))))! If people could just learn three little words are all that's needed, "I am sorry.". And that goes for ANY loss! They don't have to understand. They just need to listen and quit talking!
ReplyDeleteThanks for the encouragement, ladies! This post has been a long time coming and I hesitated writing it but in the end,i had to be true to my feelings,even though they aren't always pretty. I'm not trying to offend people or be hateful, just trying to offer a little honest insight on how this situation can feel. I appreciate the support!
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