Grieve

preconceived notions
stubborness and my own plans
i didn't want to start over again

until i met you through 2 pink lines
i never expected to see
you completely changed me

i was thrilled the second i knew 
you were on your way
i had so many hopes

dreams...

we all were eager to welcome you
i got to experience new miracles
the thrill of an excited partner
an excited mother
ultrasound at 8 weeks
such a tiny heartbeat
amazingly strong

now i know my plans can never be

i was sure you were ok
it wasn't meant to be
i saw you later on that screen

still

initially i tried to deal
i cried, i vented, i let some feelings out
then i stopped
my focus shifted

i never grieved

now it still hurts
some days less than others
it's hard to be happy and not feel the pain
it's hard to smile at babies and bellies
when the sight is like a knife to my heart

i don't know how to feel
and i don't know what to do
and i feel like it's not up to me

i'm lost

i never grieved

Living

I don't understand when, why, or how it became ok to not live but simply survive. Or why who we are has changed to what we do. I don't want to be defined by my job, how often I work, how much money I make or have or by the things I own. I am tired, frustrated, and scared by the fact that when I do what is truly important is revolved around when I work, and often it is diminished in some way because I am too stressed or tired to give it the attention I wish I could. I am angry that priorities-seeing friends, enjoying my kids, writing, taking care of myself and my home, building and developing relationships I care about, take a backseat to a job that isn't fulfilling mentally, physically, or financially. I feel like a failure because the things I care about most-PEOPLE, have suffered because I simply can't stretch myself that thin. The line between caring too much and not at all has been completely blurred because I am tired and scared so I am caught between wanting to try as many times as it may take to make things right and wanting to say I give up,i can't do any of this anymore. My resolution? Pray and think on it and hope with all my heart that God will direct me to a healthier path. And to anyone I've let down through simple laziness, I am really, sincerely sorry.

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New Beginnings

I know I usually talk about losing a baby on here but today I'm going to discuss the exact opposite, finding a parent! On Wednesday, December 28, 2011, I was found on facebook by my aunt, Becky Brown, my fathers sister. How exciting is that?! In one instant, a million questions were answered and I couldn't be more happy. I got to put faces with names, I found out I don't have other biological siblings but I do have 2 stepsisters, and I found out that I've been cared about for a very long time by many people. When family gets separated, you never know what may happen on your quest to find them. What happened was the best possible outcome. I have a dad who cares, a plethora of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc who I hope to get to know as soon as possible, and I don't have to wonder anymore.

I never thought that the new year would bring tons of new family with it but I feel so grateful that it has. I have a new lease on life, a new excitement to learn about half of my family and half of myself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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