Grieve

preconceived notions
stubborness and my own plans
i didn't want to start over again

until i met you through 2 pink lines
i never expected to see
you completely changed me

i was thrilled the second i knew 
you were on your way
i had so many hopes

dreams...

we all were eager to welcome you
i got to experience new miracles
the thrill of an excited partner
an excited mother
ultrasound at 8 weeks
such a tiny heartbeat
amazingly strong

now i know my plans can never be

i was sure you were ok
it wasn't meant to be
i saw you later on that screen

still

initially i tried to deal
i cried, i vented, i let some feelings out
then i stopped
my focus shifted

i never grieved

now it still hurts
some days less than others
it's hard to be happy and not feel the pain
it's hard to smile at babies and bellies
when the sight is like a knife to my heart

i don't know how to feel
and i don't know what to do
and i feel like it's not up to me

i'm lost

i never grieved