Update

So, I don't really know where to start...

First of all, I'm kinda not as sad this time.  I don't know how to describe it.  Maybe that emotion just hasn't hit yet, or maybe I haven't dealt with it yet.  I am not saying I'm not sad by any means, but somehow I just kind of feel... ok.  I feel bad about that, sort of.  I don't know how to put it into eloquent words.  I guess in a way I just felt more prepared.  Not necessarily that I expected (and I certainly didn't WANT) this to be the outcome, but the first time I just felt totally blind sighted and so upset by the unfairness of it all.  This time we both felt more prepared that this was a possible outcome.  I had A LOT of hope that it would all go well and I was so happy that I was having more symptoms with this pregnancy.  When it didn't work out, AGAIN, it felt unfair, but it wasn't as much of a shock.

I saw the baby come out this time.  It makes me sad just thinking about it.  The only good is that we saved the embryo and MAYBE the doctors can test it.  It's been 4 weeks (tomorrow) since our follow up appointment, and she said the testing was delicate but they could TRY.  She said it would take 2-3 weeks and we still haven't heard anything.  I hope they hurry up.  I hope they'll be able to tell us SOMETHING, anything.  It'd be REALLY nice to know if it would have been a boy or a girl.  I'd love to know for sure so that I don't have to rely on a "feeling" about it, or refer to him or her as "it" forever.  I guess Ryan and I can talk about names after we find out anything, IF we find out anything.  If not, we will just have to rely on our gut instincts; which is hard because he's sure it's a he and I think it's a she. 

I got my period the other day.  I forgot how hard it was, that first one after losing a pregnancy.  It's like confirmation that it's over, REALLY over, even though you know that already.  It kind of feels like your body is betraying you, or throwing the loss of the pregnancy in your face.  I also think it's kind of sad and upsetting that it came SO quickly after losing the baby.  It only took a month which seems REALLY fast to get back to normal- it kind of feels like my body's way of saying that this pregnancy really was not meant to be. 

Last time I had gone to a different doctor's office and they never did follow up with me.  This time we went in 6 days after and I think the nurse thought I didn't care because I had been so calm on the phone when I talked to her a couple days after.  I cared so, so much, of course, but I just didn't have as many tears or as much numbness this time around (still totally convinced that it coming- sometime)!  I HATED that appointment.  I don't know if it's standard, but I thought it was TERRIBLE that the doctor put the ultrasound screen facing me so I could see that everything was empty inside where there had been my little baby just a little over a week before.  I don't know why they have to do that.  As stupid as it was, I still had a TEENY amount of hope that maybe I was wrong about what I saw come out, or that maybe if I wasn't wrong, there was still a little alive baby inside.  But there was nothing, just a stupid empty womb where a little bitty beating heart should have been.  I wish they didn't make the mother watch the screen.  They also said they couldn't return the embryo, which was really hard for me.  I really would have liked to have been able to bury it and plant some kind of flowers or bush or tree there but in the end, having a chance at getting some answers won out.

This time I don't hate new moms, babies, and pregnant ladies AS much.  I still think, sometimes, "why does SHE get to be pregnant?"  or "how come THEY have a new baby?"  but mostly it just kinda makes me sad.  It makes me feel like I'm missing out on that much more.  Getting pregnant took some of the sting away from losing Taylor; not because anyone could replace her, but because it was like this exciting little glimmer of, "look, I can be pregnant, too, I can create a new life, we CAN experience this excitement."  Now I've lost doubly, we SHOULD have a 15 month old and I SHOULD be just starting my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

The upside (I guess) is that it makes me more determined to have a baby who gets to stay with us.  I don't know why because these were both surprise babies, but now we really have a desire to see this whole process through.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we know we can at least GET pregnant.  I REALLY hope they can find a way to help us get and STAY pregnant sometime in the future so that we can know the joy of what having a child together would be like.  I'm desperate to know what we've missed out on with these 2 losses.