A few posts in one

I would break these up into a few posts, but I'm rarely on the computer, and I feel like a lot of people don't follow very regularly and I don't want any of this to get missed, so I'm doing several posts in one.  Since I'm sort of on the subject, I'll start with:

(to be read in a non-sarcastic, somewhat ironic or silly, I'm just being honest tone)
***Can those of you who actually DO follow, please click "follow" and then even leave me comments sometimes?  The reasoning behind this request are many, which include me being somewhat needy (I guess) and throwing ALL this out there because sometimes, I really need to know that someone IS listening, does care, and that I don't have to always go through it all alone.  Having 8 followers (which is a number that hasn't changed in 2 years), many of whom NEVER comment, make me feel like NO ONE IS LISTENING (or, reading).  Ryan tells me all time, "you reach so many people, tons of people read your blog and care what you say."  Uh, really?  I can't tell when I get no comments on most posts.  Furthermore, I really hate when people make excuses or reasons like "who would care what I think?" or "I don't want to comment on every post, you'll get sick of me." Um, no!  Got something to say?  I care!  I care if you think I'm bein' a douche, I care if you think I've helped you be more caring, I care if you feel bad, I care if you think SOMETHING, ANYTHING!  Wanna be supportive?  Leave me a comment, lemme know!  Wanna set me straight?  Leave me a comment, lemme know!  Wanna tell me I'm a whiner?  Leave a comment... I can't/don't/won't know if you don't say so, and I don't (AT ALL) expect 100% support.  I don't expect everyone to say "oh, honey, sweetie, baby cakes, poor you!"  I've offended?  Set me straight!  I've given you something to think about?  Tell me!  You're so super sorry about what's happened to me?  Please say so!  (Sometimes I really need to hear it)... 
Another reason for this request is because, even though sometimes I have angry, downright mean things to say, and sometimes they seem to be about someone specific, I am actually NOT that shitty of a person.  I care who my audience is, so if I know what I'm thinking might hurt or offend someone, I will make a point to be more sensitive.  Not that I'm necessarily going to censor myself, but the point of this blog is to be honest and let people know where my mind (SOMETIMES) goes; not to lose friends and piss people off.  Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest because I can get bogged down in negative emotions, then, sometimes weeks later, it's brought to my attention that I've hurt someone or was overly mean/rude/hateful.  I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, however, there are times I just need to get. it. out.  My feelings can be hell to live with sometimes, but they are not who I am.  They come and go so quickly and seemingly without reason.  One day I find out someone is pregnant and I'm thrilled and I think, "oh, maybe I'm starting to feel better,"  then the next day (or 5 minutes later), I see a pregnant stranger and want to kick her in the shin.  Then I think, "DAMMIT!  When will I feel ok?!"  That got a little off track... oops.  Anyway, all I'm TRYING to say is, I care who might be reading this and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for any reason.  You're my friend or family member and you're preggo or have a new baby?  I still love you!  I AM happy for you!  Sometimes it's a little hard for me, though.  I'm not blogging to hurt your feelings, I promise!

Nextly, (sheesh, that first part was long),
I've said in the past that I don't want to call anyone out, but I was WRONG!  So, here goes (in no particular order, and I'm sorry if I miss anyone):
* Jenny J:  thank you for ALWAYS being there, and for not being afraid to say you're sorry or that you care. And, of, course, for the BEAUTIFUL cross stitch honoring Taylor (If you ever wanted to do another for Tristan-- in ALL your spare time--wink, wink...)  But seriously, you've been an amazing source of support.
*Chris W:  sometimes the things I write you could take such offense to, and you don't, and I can't tell you HOW MUCH that means!  I LOVE YOU for taking the time to let me know when you've read and try to cheer me up, and I hope you know I LOOOOVVVVE those beautiful babies of yours, too.
*Brenda S:  you've always been someone I admired for being HILARIOUS and I was always happy Trent was your birthday buddy because I'd be thrilled to have a kid with a sense of humor like yours!  You're a great mom and even though we haven't seen each other in years, you've left me a couple of the most amazing and sweet comments here and your kind words have been helpful and inspirational!
*Derek and Ariel C:  Derek, for a long time you were one of my only friends, and you always were amazing to talk to and then you met your wifey and I had another friend in her!  What a blessing.  But the thing I love, love, LOVE the most was when you shrieked like a little girl when I told you I was pregnant with Taylor (and secondly for working for me on Christmas- I still owe you a favor for that one)!  You 2 are great friends!
*Cassie M:  we've lost touch and had some rough times, but when I lost Taylor, you dropped by just to show you care, and I don't think we said much (as there's not much to say) but you hugged me, smoked with me, and sat with me, and I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to just BE THERE.
*Andrea M: you're one of the only people I see with any sort of regularity (even though it's not enough), and even though I can tell sometimes talking about all this makes you a little uneasy (trust me! I understand), you're always a good listener and I don't know what I'd do without our (sometimes) walks.
*Kim R:  You've had lots of struggles of your own but you never lost your spunk and now things are happening for you and I truly wish you nothing but the best.  You took the time to read and then you had the guts to be honest with me and even though I wasn't totally receptive at the time, I've told you before and I'll tell you again now that I DO appreciate you and I have nothing but respect for you saying what you feel to me.  Your honesty was a kick in the right direction for me.
*Kim E:  You're one of the awesomest people I know and I am so lucky we've become friends.  I have had so many great times with you and I can't wait for that friend date (remember the one from 4 months ago we never got around to? we're still gonna do it-- without kids!  Although our larkburger friend date was awesome and so generous of you, we need some grown up time!)  You gave me the beautiful hanging flower basket after my second loss and I nurtured it all summer.  I loved looking at it and having a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.
*Katharine:  I know today is a terrible day for you.  I'M SO SORRY!  But I wouldn't be where I am today without you and your blog and I think you are such an amazing woman, writer, MOTHER, wife, pet mom, and friend!  ((((((((((HUGGGGGGGS))))))))))
*Jamie:  you are much classier than I am and yet you read my blog with understanding and kind words.  You're an amazing lady.  You keep me inspired and sometimes you're the sole commenter on a post and the ONLY way I know that someone cares.  THAT means a ton to me, and SO DO YOU!!!
*Kate VOS: What can I say?  You're my sister and one of my best friends.  You're always there for me, and I LOVE YOU.
*Becky VO:  I got so lucky to get you for a mother in law!  Sometimes I feel like you get the short end of my temper and/or honesty and I just want you to know I'm never trying to be mean to you.  I am SO appreciative that I can be honest with you- it's done WONDERS to have someone to talk to who will always let me say what I need to say and try to offer support, advice, and understanding.
*Millie VO:  You always are patient, kind, and a good listener and I thank you, so much, for being there for me!
*Michelle U:  You understand what I've been through and you have remembered me (us) at times when no one else has.  The cards you've sent have been so thoughtful and have been such a help to me on hard days when I feel like no one else remembers my sweet heaven kids.
*Rachel B:  We've been friends for, what, EVER?  We've lost touch sometimes over the years but you've ALWAYS been there for me.  Always.  When I was pregnant with Trent and scared, you were there.  When I got married, you were there.  And now, when I feel bad, you're there!  I love you!
*Roxie F:  Lord knows you have problems of your own!  Some downright comical and some so sad and frustrating they HAVE to be comical or they'd be too damn depressing to bear.  Yet you've told me time and again that just because you have things going on doesn't mean you can't be there for me.  Even better, you've SHOWN me that's totally true!  I know we don't see each other enough but I love all the crazy escapades we've had and I wouldn't trade a second of any of the crazy times we've had together.  Love you, Julian, and Jane.
*Nicole W:  The thing I love the most about you is that you always have a kind word and you have the amazing gift of EMPATHY.  You don't say "I know how you feel" you say "I can't imagine how that feels".  That means so much to me that you understand the difference yet always have a kind and encouraging word even though you haven't been in this situation.  I'm lucky to have you for a cousin!  Love you!
*Christina H:  You used to be my husband's cousin, but now you are MY FRIEND.  I am so grateful for you and am so happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other and hang out.  Our times together have been a blast.  I also LOVE the necklace you made me and it's so nice to have something tangible to put on, look at, and touch when I need something to remind me of my other 2 kiddos.

(wow, this list has gotten WAY longer than I thought).  I know there are TONS more I'm missing.  So thank you ten times over for reading, commenting, messaging, sending cards, any and every show of support has been SO APPRECIATED and has helped me SO MUCH.  I love all of you!

Nextly, (there's more?!)
here are a couple of secrets and maybe a little clarification as to why a couple of my more recent entries were a little bitter:

A LONG time ago (like, several months before Taylor came, then went), I had a dream that I had triplets.  At the time, I was mortified by the idea and was also bewildered as I was pretty much over the idea of having ANY more children, let alone THREE.  In the dream, we had turned the whole large section of the basement into one huge nursery and I had these 3 babies I was thrilled to have.  I still have NO idea where the idea of triplets would've come from or what possessed me to be thinking of this while I was in dreamland, but it's always been in a little corner of my mind ever since.  When I found out I was pregnant the first time again, I almost half expected there to be more than one baby.  One of the first things I asked the ultrasound tech (somewhat disappointedly) was, "so, there's just one?"  The next time, I had a feeling I might be having twins.  I'm still not convinced Tristan didn't have a brother or sister in there with him before our ultrasound.  Anyway, this idea of "my triplets" is something that I kinda/sorta (am I CRAZY?!) want.  I just can't shake it.  So, in October (trying to think of how to word this somewhat delicately without entering TMI territory), despite the fact that I was sorta actively trying to prevent becoming pregnant (since I'm convinced-ish that any pregnancy would result in losing it so I kind of feel like a selfish murderer if I try again without nailing down some more answers as to what the heck is wrong), I realized that we could POSSIBLY become pregnant that month.  I sort of half expected to, and didn't really know how to feel about it.  THEN, one day I got SICK.  Like, fine, perfectly fine, then nauseous ended up puking my guts out sick.  If it was something like morning sickness, it would've been EARLY.  But... not impossible.  The idea of this being the case was kind of exciting because I was sick as hell with Trent and Taryn but not at all with Taylor and Tristan so I thought, maybe if I WAS pregnant, and if I was experiencing morning sickness at 3 weeks, the pregnancy might last and also, MAYBE the super early morning sickness could be due to having more than one (for instance, "my triplets") in there, causing hormones and symptoms to go crazy.  A week later, my period was due but hadn't come yet, and I was nauseous AGAIN.  And, literally as I was googling "morning sickness at 3 weeks (and totally getting my hopes up), my period came, crushing my hopes.  3 days later, I found out that someone I know and see quite a lot is pregnant and I just was crushed.  It was a VERY BAD NIGHT.  Then I had some pretty rough posts.  There's my big secret(s)!  :/

Thanks for reading, that might've been the longest post in the history of blogging!  (Please don't forget about the first section, and leave me a comment!)

Mis... conceptions

I know I tend to seem very vocal and oftentimes really bitter or harsh or angry, but the truth is, that's just a little piece of me and my feelings.  I don't really have an easy time saying what's on my mind, or sharing secrets, or trusting people, so I usually just don't.  I'm sure after some of the things I've said in this space, that seems hard to believe, but it's always been easier for me to write... even if I know it's not anonymous.  I get that people will see what I post and that some people will "get" exactly what I'm attempting to explain, and some people will maybe think I'm looking for sympathy, and some people will think that I'm mean or bitter or angry, or some people might take offense or think that I'm a hateful person, and I understand why any of those scenarios would be plausible.  The thing that I guess even I'm just realizing about some of the things I've said is that it's just a small piece of how I actually feel.  Also, most posts are stemmed by... something.  And I usually don't explain what that "something" specifically is because I do not want to point fingers or call people out or say, "I was upset by such and so because blah de blah," so I say general things and then people just assume I'm only referring to them.  So I'll clarify, a little.  I still don't want to be specific, but I will say that I'm not UNHAPPY for people who are pregnant.  Now, obviously I'd be lying my ass off if I said I was always super thrilled and not jealous or even sometimes angry.  Not angry at specific people, but angry because that's not how it's going for me and sometimes it's hard to see other people experience this when, for some reason, my family is not.  I think sometimes it's pretty easy to guess where a single post might have come from [seeing facebook pregnancy announcements (plurally, being the operative idea there, seeing 5 in one week is what's overwhelming, not one and then I'm pissed) or a friend who is unhappy for whatever sex of baby she's having, etc], but sometimes there is a lot more behind what I say than I explain or let on.  So I might say, "I want to scream that I don't care who's pregnant" and it LOOKS like I hate all pregnant people or never want to hear about them or be supportive or excited, but part of what's behind that is actually the frustration I have when people really close to me, even family, are constantly telling me who's pregnant or what's going on with a pregnancy or email me deets about a new baby on a day when it's REALLY hard for me to hear it (like the anniversary of Taylor's due date), and I want to scream AT THEM.  NOT at the person who is having or has had a baby.  There are some people I guess I just assume should KNOW that it would be hard for me and I figure it'd be common sense for them to just NOT say anything to me about stuff like that, but they do, and my frustration and irritation is ON THEM, not on the person they are telling me about.  (And this generally isn't referring to friends telling me about other friends or someone they know or something they heard.  I can HANDLE knowing babies exist and do funny and cute and awesome things).  And sometimes, it's true, A single pregnancy upsets me, but it's not the person or their baby but where my mind goes when I find out.  The upset is about my circumstance, not them.  For instance, I recently found out that someone I frequently see is pregnant, and I watched her in a situation do modified things because of it, and then my mind started on me and I started thinking of all the things that SHOULD be different for me right now and how MY situation would be totally different if I were still pregnant.  Sometimes I have no control over something that will trigger me to have thoughts about "what should have been."  So I'm not MAD at that single person for having a baby, I'm mad at my situation and the fact that I am not, and I should be.  And I know it's silly to constantly dwell on SHOULDS, but it's hard not to sometimes, and it's hard not to wonder what might have been, and it's hard to watch someone else be pregnant and know that should be me.  Right now.  I should have been in her shoes and it was really hard not to be.  And people saw the upset on my face, but I couldn't say, "I'm not having a hard time because we're doing something difficult, I'm having a hard time because your wife is pregnant!"  So, I let people think whatever they wanted to, but the truth was, I was having a hard time because my mind UNEXPECTEDLY started thinking deeper about how far along I'd be, and how EVERYTHING would be different for me at that time.  To top it off, I THEN thought, I'm really happy to be where I am and doing what I'm doing and then I felt even WORSE because it was almost like I was happy I wasn't pregnant because I wouldn't be where I was if I still was pregnant.  And of course, it's not like I'd pick being able to do something over being able to have another baby, but that guilt was there.  I never know what is going to trigger those thoughts, and sometimes, it's the new knowledge that someone is having a baby that does it.  Then it seems like I am unhappy FOR THEM or mad AT THEM, but that simply is not the case.  Sometimes when I write I don't clarify enough, mainly because I know that ANYONE could be reading and I DON'T want them to assume it's ABOUT THEM.  What I write is about me.  And I KNOW it can be bitter and not pretty, but it is honest and I know a lot of women who have been in my shoes can relate.  And I say what I say and sometimes I say seemingly nasty things for 2 main reasons: I want people who are like I used to be, who thought losing a baby was something you just get over and try again, to UNDERSTAND that it's hard and devestating, and know that the miscarriage wasn't just "tissue," it was a person, it was hopes and dreams, it was someone's CHILD.  You can't recover that!  Secondly, I want to be a voice for people who don't think it's ok to feel what they feel after going through this, and I want someone who's been through it to see ALL of how I've felt, and to know that it's NORMAL to have a hard time and that it's OK!  So, I am not going to stop being honest, but I do want everyone to know that I AM mindful that anyone could see this and some people might not totally understand where I am coming from or all the reasons why I say what I say, so I will try to be more clear, or less general, or give a better explaination to WHAT some of the things were that are behind what I'm saying.  It's not my intent to hurt people or take away their joy, it's my intent to express what I'm going through and what's upsetting to me.  I'll try to be better about explaining WHY.

The Shit the World Keeps Piling on that Breaks Your Heart

 

*Sorry for the sideways pic, it was drawn about 5/16 or 5/17/12... After we lost Tristan but before we had the guts to tell the kids.  As you can see, Taryn drew me (pregnant) and her holding hands, and wrote "I love you mamma, hopefully it goes well."  I don't think anything, ever, has made me more sad than this sweet, innocent drawing.

 

*I know no one thinks that their pregnancy is going to offend someone, and I guess it doesn't, necessarily, but it just gets overwhelming.  The newest facebook announcement, the latest comments, the texts saying, "I'm having contractions," the "guess who's having a baby?"  And I really, really, really want to SCREAM sometimes.  Sometimes I want to say, "I don't CARE who's pregnant, I'm not happy for them, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"  But holy shit, if I said THAT, I might OFFEND someone.  I might make someone UNCOMFORTABLE.  Hell, I might even make someone FEEL BAD.  Cuz obviously getting the "there's no heartbeat" announcement, or, worse, literally seeing your baby come out of you, tiny, helpless, and dead, felt fuckin' awesome.  I just HATE to have to make anyone feel awkward for 2 seconds about my inconvenient dead babies.

 

*the genetic test results which, A. say "missed abortion" (i didn't miss shit, 4 days after we had a heartbeat, I had the baby fall into the toilet- too graphic? oops) and B. refer to MY CHILD as the "products of conception."  PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?! This "product" had a beating heart! Hello!!

 

*telling someone that you told someone the truth (instead of that you were sick or on vacation) and they say, "you TOLD her?"  I'd just been through hell and back, and now I have to make up some wild story about it, too?  What the HELL is wrong with our society that someone can't say, "my baby died" and then have FEELINGS about that, too?

 

*people who say stupid shit like, "please stop making me nauseous, baby" "I hate having to pee all the time" "I'm having a terrible boy" "I didn't want another baby" etc, etc.  Know what's worse than having pregnancy symptoms? NOT having them cause your baby died.  Know what's worse than a terrible boy?  A dead boy.  Stupid shit also includes, but I'm SURE is not limited to:

*next time we'll make sure you don't lift anything heavy

*I'm glad it happened early on

*there was probably something wrong with the baby

*why are you dwelling on this

*you should be happy for such-and-so, they had a hard pregnancy

*this makes you appreciate your kids more (actually, I feel like it's opposite- it makes me hurt to know what I'm missing out on even more)

*you should be grateful for the kids you have (keep THAT in mind the next time YOU lose a loved one, k?  "welp, mom died, but my dad is still alive.  cool.")

(yes, I personally have heard ALL of these, and more, I'm sure, from my besties, my family, the people I love the most.  Yes, I GET that they were "well meaning" but this all still HURTS.  So, if you read this, and you know someone else who loses a baby, do NOT say any of these things)

 

So... why am I a little mad at the world?  Because people think it's ok and normal to push miscarriages under the rug like they're no big deal.  It negates the feelings and pain of millions of people who had hopes and dreams about their child but were left with NOTHING tangible.  A couple ultrasound photos, maybe genetic results, IF THEY ARE LUCKY.  Mostly, you get your hopes and dreams crushed in one terrible moment and a whirlwind of what the heck just happened to me?  The knowledge that you WERE pregnant and now you're not (was it all just a dream, you've got nothing to prove it wasn't).  Then you get to live in a world where babies are just so freaking great and you should just be tickled fricken pink to be SURROUNDED by ladies who are having or have just had babies and it makes you feel like this miracle gets to happen to everyone on the planet BUT YOU.  To top it off you are told it wasn't your fault but then you (more times than not) are given no answers as to what happened (you're just told some bullshit about "genetic abnormalities" even though TONS of tested babies are perfect).  Heaven forbid you get pregnant again, because it's so not fun, and that's not how it should be.  You don't tell people because you're terrified and you don't want to untell them.  Then you lose the baby and no one knows that baby even existed so they say stuff like, "I'm so jealous you can drink" 4 days after and you want to choke them even though they're one of your favorite family members so you just choke down your sangria and go cry and bleed in the bathroom by yourself.  So, yeah, those are a couple of reasons why it seems like the world is ganging up on me to make me a little crazy, and a lot sad.