yeah, this is going where you think it is, if you're guessing by the title that this is going to be another unhappy ending story.
On Friday, April 20, it hit me that i was on day 31 of my cycle, and that, for me, meant borderline late. Ryan and I had been fighting so i didn't really mention it, and assumed i'd be starting my period anytime. When it hadn't come the next day, i dug out my last pregnancy test and took it. i was terrified. i was excited at the prospect of it being positive, i was scared at the prospect of it being positive. i could barely look. i felt queasy. i set the test down a couple feet away and when i finally had the courage to look over, i just saw one line. negative. my first thought was, "ok, well at least i don't have to face going to the doctor" (yeah, kinda demented, i know. there is really something THAT wrong with me and i am really THAT scared to address it). i picked the test up and then noticed the other line. 2 pink lines, one slightly more faint. positive. i couldn't believe it. i told Ryan, and he just smiled. it wasn't good timing, he just had to get expensive dental work done and we had unexpectedly ending up owing a sizable amount on our taxes. i've been exhausted and burned out at my job, but none of those things stopped us from being happy. well... cautiously happy. i'd keep thinking "i'm having a baby! (i hope)" i hated that little voice, but i couldn't help being apprehensive. according to my dates (which i kept good track of), i was due december 26, not adjusting for cycle length (looking back on my dates and counting from cycle to cycle, there wasn't a good average, sometimes my cycle was 31 days, sometimes only 27). we scheduled an appointment for may 11 and the waiting began.
i didn't tell many people, the ones i did tell were sworn to secrecy. i wanted to shout from the rooftops but then i didn't want to tell till the baby came out. i was so freaked out. every time i went to the bathroom, i looked for blood, practically panicking at the thought. of course everything was fine. then on thursday the 10th (the day before my appointment), i got home from work and took a nap. i got up and noticed a TINY amount of brownish spotting. it was so light (amount and color) that i had to double check, but that was definitely what i was seeing. i tried not to freak and to just wait for our appointment. i knew they were going to do an ultrasound so i tried to just be calm and wait.
when we went in the next morning i was so nervous. all i could think about was the last time, laying on that stupid table wondering where the heartbeat was. the nurse was super nice, and that helped me calm down some. i had read GREAT reviews about the doctor so i felt good about that. when the doctor came in, i immediately wondered why people had liked her so well. her voice was obnoxious and she was fairly brisk. we chatted for a while and then she stepped out so i could undress and she'd do the ultrasound. she started and i couldn't see the screen. her face looked tense and all i could think was, "please, not again." according to my dates, i should have been 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant. she said, "are you SURE about your dates?" i told her i was and she said, "well, you're measuring about 6 weeks, 2 days." she turned the screen some so i could see better and i saw a due date of January 2. she said, "you're my first 2013." Then she told me there was blood in my uterus and that was probably the cause for the brown spotting. she didn't seem alarmed at all about it. she said it "slightly" increased the chance of miscarriage. she said i had no restrictions as far as work went but that i should take it easy from exercise until my next appointment (in two weeks). she said there was a heartbeat which was "reassuring". i had tons of questions, which she answered, but she also seemed hurried. i expressed concern over possible hypothyroidism, so she did a blood draw to test levels without even questioning it, which was kinda cool, but she basically blew off my concerns of autoimmunity, saying they usually only test for that if there's a miscarriage. like i want to run that risk just to get answers. more than one miscarriage is NOT just some medical dilemma to me.
i looked up blood in the uterus online and found lots of info. apparently this is a condition called subchorionic hematoma or hemorrhage (SCH). i joined a support group and TONS of women on there had crazy stories about having big bleeds even with big clots and still having the baby be fine. since "most" of these pregnancies went well, i tried not to worry. we told our moms and the kids on monday and of course everyone was thrilled. it was exciting. we had put a copy of the u/s pic in their mothers day cards. that's when i noticed that the date on the bottom said baby was 6 weeks 3 days + or - 2 days, with a due date of 1/1/2013. i thought it was weird because i KNEW i had seen 1/2/2013 on the screen, but maybe it readjusted when she measured the baby off. i don't know. anyway, everyone was excited and happy, especially me. but then i felt like shit on tuesday and wanted to call in from work. i knew i'd feel better if i just stayed home and rested. but for some reason, i went. it was SO BUSY. i was stressing and working and wishing i could just rest. everytime i'd go to the bathroom, a bit of blood would come out. it was such a tiny amount that i didn't worry too much. from what i had learned online (the dr had told us nothing about what to expect or what was or wasn't normal with this), sometimes the blood in the uterus "bleeds out." i figured this was what was happening and tried not to worry, instead focusing on the hematoma being gone and the baby being fine.
later that evening, the bleeding started getting worse and i started having some (not terrible) cramping. i was nervous and put a long post on the support group board. i got some very reassuring responses so i tried to relax but things kept getting worse. things still aren't better, and i know my poor baby is gone.
it fucking sucks that now i have two babies in heaven. i really had high hopes this time. i also just got the call about my thyroid results. they were "normal" whatever the hell that means. at the time i was glad that she had just done the test, but now i wish they had listened to my (extensive) list of symptoms and really taken into account more than just one blood test. now i have two dead babies and am no closer to answers. i just want to know why this has happened again and if there's something wrong with me that is contributing to this heartbreaking experience. i hate this.
