It's been 2 years since I lost my second heaven baby. I marked my calendar with a little heart. I have little flashbacks to that day, and the few days after it. Feeling lost. Feeling stunned. Feeling... like I didn't know how to feel. Maybe I was too calm. Maybe I was too detached. Maybe I didn't care enough. I know that's not true. But sometimes I feel like it is. Of course I was sad and upset. But not devastated. Maybe that's what happens when you are expecting it. That's pretty sad. The way I explained it to someone was something like, "obviously I didn't want it to happen, but after it already has, you kind of expect it to go that way." I still don't feel so totally torn up over it like I did the first time. I guess time helps soften the blow. I'm not saying I don't care, just that there's a little bit of numbness to the whole experience.
When you have kids in heaven, it changes everything. Who you are, how you feel, what you think about life, death, and God all change. I am not the same person as I was before August 13, 2010; and even more different than who I was prior to May 15, 2012. Knowing your child died, and not knowing why, or not knowing why the fatal problem happened to them in the first place, or not knowing if they felt anything, or suffered, or the exact moment they went from growing, developing, and BEING ALIVE to dead is the most haunting aspect of the miscarriage experience. Knowing that your body went through labor that is not recognized as labor, knowing that society doesn't regard these babies as actual people, that is the most angering. Hearing people say, "I know how you feel" when they haven't gone through it, and sometimes even when they have, or, worse, people comparing their WANTING to have a baby with your loss... really??? Maybe I'm being an ass about the whole situation, but you WANTING to get pregnant at a certain time and having life changes ruin that plan, or WANTING to have another kid and not having it happen for a long time are certainly frustrating and I'm sure (I don't know because I HAVEN'T been in those situations) full of anguish, but they are in no way the same as having the baby you are pregnant with, who actually is alive, die in your body!!! It's just not, and it dishonors the women who lost babies and the babies who died to suggest that the situations are similar. People usually do not trivialize the death of a child who lived outside the womb, it is maddening that it keeps happening to children who die before they are born. 2 of my children are less than because they didn't live long enough to be born?!? Think that one over and tell me it's logical. I'd love to know how we are able to come to that conclusion! Half of my kids are dead, that's pretty bad odds, so yeah, I get a little riled up about the societal attitudes toward babyloss.
But today, I really don't know how to feel. I guess I am just staying busy and remembering that no matter what, those babies were mine and nothing can change the memories I got to make with them. And I'm ok.
