Too Much

I haven't said much lately here (or anywhere) because I have too much going on in my mind and everything feels crazy and up in the air lately.  I haven't been feeling well, for one thing, and that's been a little troublesome.  I know I should just go to the doctor but I think that's scary.  I also go back and forth thinking I'm fine or else I'm super sick and terrified to find out for sure.  I did express my concerns to one friend but she just laughed.  I think she thinks I'm just trying to be dramatic but as she's known me for about 14 years, she should know better.  I'm the type who will go to work half dead and insist I'm fine, so if I'm alarmed that I could actually be seriously sick, wouldn't it make sense that maybe I have a reason to think so?  Anyway, though, I really don't want to talk about that.  I just kinda wanted to get it off my chest because it has been on my mind quite a bit lately.

Another thing is that I just can't seem to get anything done.  I feel trapped in my messy house and I just have not been able to keep up on things.  I feel like stuff just piles up and piles up and is about to come crashing down around me.  It is frustrating!! I have no idea what I have been doing lately, but it obviously is not keeping up on the house or any other responsibilities.  I am behind on PTA stuff and I don't even care anymore.  I just feel like I am burdened by all of these things that I should care about but just don't.  I guess I should stop trying to do more than I can handle, but i see other's who seem to be able to do it all, so why can't I?  I want to be able to help my kids with their scout stuff, to be involved with PTA so I can make a difference in their school, keep a nice home, and help cultivate their interests (like karate lately), but I do not seem to have the energy (or interest) in doing all of this.  I don't know what's wrong with me!!

Some other things that have been on my mind is that we are somehow low on money, and work is open this year on Christmas (which is total bullshit but I have no idea how to get out of it).  I don't know how we got low on funds, and I know I have money set aside for birthdays and Christmas and Ryan will be getting money back from having to travel but it's just another thing on my list that is concerning me.  We aren't in serious trouble or anything like that, it is just another thing I don't feel like dealing with.  It probably didn't help that I've had to miss work periodically but with losing Taylor, and then Ryan travelling, and Ryan having to travel again, plus taking a day off here and there, it's been unavoidable to miss time.  I am also pissed and freaking out a bit that we are actually open this year on Christmas.  My boss says, "we are in the service industry, so we signed up to work holidays," but I have worked there for 12+ years and this is the first time we've been open on Christmas.  I signed up for a job where when I started, the boss was fair about scheduling on holidays (3 hour shifts for EVERYONE. Period.), but also WE WERE ALWAYS CLOSED ON CHRISTMAS!  I hate working for a company that is so greedy it would prefer to ruin ALL of it's employee's holiday just to make a few extra bucks.  I am seriously considering looking for a new job that I can start before Christmas or quitting, but I can not afford to just up and quit.  So, so, so stressed out about the holidays!  It's already hard enough with the kids' birthday's near the holidays and trying to figure out a menu that can accommodate Ryan's health, Kate and Eddy's beliefs (vegan), and Mark's desired diet, but now I have to toss work into the mix.  UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!  Plus this is the first time in about 15 years that my grandma may be coming for Christmas.  I HAVE to get out of working it!  It's 2 months away and I'm already stressing big time.  It makes me furious!!  I have to get out of that place, I hate it!!

Also, I don't know why I haven't been taking working out seriously but I just don't feel like doing it.  I still walk 3 days a week but I don't keep up on the other things I was doing, I don't make the effort to walk on weekends or after work when I work days, I don't even take the 5 minutes to get on the wii fit to do my body test everyday anymore.  I have no excuse for this.  But I feel tired and have no energy and my weight has been all over the place lately so I really should take it more seriously.  It wouldn't kill me to devote half an hour a day to exercise and keep track of how I'm doing, or to eat better, or to take my vitamins everyday, but I just have not been doing it.  I have no idea why I have lost all motivation, but it's gone.  Part of me does not even care anymore.

With all of this craziness going on I feel like I am losing my mind.  I dread work EVERY time I go, I am getting burned out with my new schedule (the Thursday night to Friday mornings is just killing me! And I hate working with one of the people who works on both of those shifts), I have been preoccupied and grouchy and worried and I am being stupid and stubborn and I know it but I don't know who to talk to or who can help me or just be by my side (Ryan has to work the rest of the week and go out of town next week), and I am behind on all of my priorities and am starting to feel like I am never going to catch up.  I have been so exhausted and I don't even know why.  I really need to figure out a new schedule! I just have no idea where to start with anything!  I am tired of feeling so lost but I don't know how to catch up or who can help me. 

In the midst of all of this, I haven't even been able to think about Taylor very much.  I didn't light a candle on Friday, I tried not to think about it being the day it was (even though in the back of my mind I had been planning to focus that day on Taylor, and the other sweet babies we no longer have), and yesterday I had planned to do a special blog entry but then had the time and energy and emotion to spend 5 minutes writing a few lines that did not give the situation and feelings justice.

The only good thing I have given myself time for is thanking God for getting new days each time I wake up, and for being with my sweet kids and hoping and praying that I will have a long, long time to be here enjoying them.  Sometimes I am afraid that Taylor left so I could, too.  I want to be here with Trent and Taryn for a LONG time to come.  Maybe that sounds crazy but it just comes to mind sometimes.  And it totally scares me!  : (