I'm A Dumbass

Despite having this aching knowing deep down that I never will have another baby (especially not the triplets I dreamt about before I got pregnant with Taylor), I can't seem to stop getting my hopes up.  So the other day, even though I knew it was completely unrealistic, I purchased some pregnancy tests and took one.  The reason why is because I have been super clumsy lately, and also put on some weight-- but that is easily explained by my terrible diet as of late.  Each time I'd clumsily fumble something that ray of hope would shine through, it is one of my main pregnancy symptoms.  A little voice urged me to just check, so I decided to, even though  I knew I just bled recently.  But because it was ten days early I just figured maybe my body isn't back to normal yet, and I thought maybe it was just a fluky thing and maybe I could be lucky again.  So like a thief in the night, I stopped by the store after work on Friday, after I picked up the kids (there was no store on the way to get them), sent them to look at Christmas things, and got the tests.  I went through the self checkout, shoved them into the bottom of my purse, then went back for the kids, trying hard to act casual, like it was normal to stop by the store for nothing.  When we got home, I headed straight for the bathroom, took the test, and tried to stay calm, reminding myself that the odds were extremely low that it would be positive.  I put the wrapper deep down in the trash, the extra tests as far back on the top shelf as I could toss them, and looked at the test, trying not to be eager.

Of course it was negative.

So I'm just fat and clumsy.

And hoping for something I am more than likely never going to have.