For quite a while I have felt like I waste a lot of time doing nothing important. I haven't finished school (still) which is really upsetting. Sometimes I feel like I should just plain give up and other times I know I can finish and don't have to explain myself to anyone about why it has taken so long. I have been stuck at my job, which I'd prefer not to be, but don't know where to look and I keep using that as an excuse. I miss being artistic but I don't devote the time to do anything artistic and creative. I've wanted to learn German for a long, long time and yet I don't. I am tired of not doing anything useful anymore. I really need to find some motivation to do the things I keep putting off and I am not sure where to start.
On the plus side, I feel like writing on this blog (despite a lack of interest from others) is a really good way to do one thing that I had been wanting to do for a long time: speak my mind. I have gotten a lot out and have shared more than I dreamed I would have had the courage to. Holding so much in and being lonely for so long really took a toll on me. It's such a relief to have a place where I can get some thoughts out and have a place to sort all of the craziness in my head.
Being a mom is the best thing that ever happened to me. I know the circumstances were not always ideal, but I did the best I could from the very beginning and I am lucky that becoming a mother made me a better person. I'm a far cry from perfect but I do my best to be a great mom. Unfortunately, being a parent is not always wonderful. Worrying about my children, and now losing one, is a very difficult thing to deal with. A piece of me really wants a new baby again and an equally large piece of me would be horrified if I ended up pregnant. I don't know what to do anymore. I am scared that because it took almost 4 years to get pregnant again, I won't. I am scared because if I did get pregnant again I'd wonder if something was wrong with us and I'd be afraid of losing another baby. I know no one can help me with these issues, but I wish someone had all the answers. I have never felt more all over the place in my life. I feel so lost lately, I don't know how to get myself back.
i am interested in your blog.
ReplyDeleteand would love to do artsy stuff with you.
we should find an art class!
Alex,
ReplyDeleteI have long wished that you would be able to share your feelings (NO MATTER THE OUTLET), and am thrilled that you are finally able to do so. Though I have not commented, I have kept up with our blog since the beginning. I could not be happier that you have found a release.
All My Compassion,
Brooke
Don't worry about not finishing school! It took me 7 years to get my bachelors in get this...General Studies! and then decided I wanted to teach and had to go back for 2 more years! yikes! I was always so embarrassed by that. And I didn't have kids or any other big responsibilities holding me back...just immaturity. So being a mom to 2 kiddos and going to school is a HUGE deal and I think you definitely should be very proud of yourself no matter how long it takes you!
ReplyDeletehave you considered any testing to see why it took you so long to get pregnant again? I know you feel unsure about getting pregnant again but it might help you feel better about whatever you decide if you know what you're up against...if anything at all. I'm starting to have reservations myself about when to ttc again even though we already pushed it back to March...its just all so scary to think we might do this again!
keep writing, keep pouring your heart out...eventually you won't feel so lost!
Alex, Sweetie,
ReplyDeleteYou know you are loved by me and my family. I too have followed you blog all along as well. I have wanted to comment on each and every one of your blogs (as I have to also admit that I have followed your friends blog aswell.....((sorry if that bothers you K...))). I dont always comment because to be honest I wanted you to feel that you could be honest and wondered if my constant posts would make you less open, im not sure sweetie. I think that as long as this blog helps you, that that is absolutely all that matters. You did not set this up for everybody else....you did it for you, as it should be!! You are an awesome lady! A great mom, a terrific and trustworthy friend. You have been by my side thru a whole lot and you are always in my heart and in my thouhts. You matter. You have done so much with yourself sweetie, and all of it (at least in the last 10 yrs....) has been also while being a mom. Girl you got more balls than most of us, for a lot of reasons. You will finish school, I know you. You will eventually leave the Perk.....(although you may drop by from time to time Im sure) You are very creative, and I think that you can get into that pretty easily. . . And as far as the thought of having another baby....you will find your answer hun, someday you will know in your heart what you would like to do. You are strong. I know Im rambling but I dont care, I want you to know that I love you. Hey, Im not sure what you think, however I would love to invite you to come to church with (or without me) sometime. Possibly it may help you to find peace, somehow. It may not, but I dont think it would hurt to try. I got to Faith Bible Chapel on Ward Rd. Id love for you to come sometime, come along or bring the family. Ive gotta go for now, but know that I am thinking of you. hearts!!!
Jenny