Things That I Obsess Over

I wish I'd never said....
"I don't know why, but I don't want a boy." This will haunt me forever. Obviously i'd be happy with any healthy baby God wanted to bless us with.

I wish I didn't think...
That one of the final ultrasound pictures looks like the baby's face is in a little scream. I'm sure this is my imagination getting the best of me. I hope. But I swear in the one picture it looks like my poor angel baby is looking right at us with an open mouth that is screaming.
Ryan doesn't know that I know where the pictures are but I do, and I often look at them.

I wish I could stop obsessing...
About where I "should" be with this pregnancy. I'm NOT pregnant anymore and I need to stop focusing on what might have been. Today i'd be 34 weeks. Trent's room would be downstairs, we'd have a nursery now, Ryan would have a bigger car, we'd know if the baby was a girl or boy and he or she would have a name (maybe not Taylor).

This just really sucks.

Most of all I hate the thought that we will never have a rainbow baby, and even if we did I wouldn't be happy because I'd be terrified. And because no one will replace the baby we lost.

I also still feel like a jerk face for not being happier about other people's babies. I guess I'm just too sad for me to be happy for others. Which I really hate because I don't want to be like that! It's just really hard to be reminded of what I DON'T have and not getting to know why this happened to us and not getting to know why this baby couldn't stay.

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Another Blog Award : ) Part I

I got an award!  This award is from Jamie at forget me not, oh Lord. 

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

As always, I have to give love to Jamie, she is an awesome lady, a fellow BLM with very similar dates to my loss (as well as similar dates to my excitement and the good things that happened with my pregnancy), and a great mommy to an adorable little girl.  She is also expecting her rainbow baby which is awesome, and I hope her pregnancy will be going more smoothly soon!  Check her out for sure if you never have.

O.............. K................ 7 things about myself.... hmmm.  That could be interesting!

<3 I had my first baby when I was (barely) 18 (and if you knew me in high school, know this:  I was about 4 1/2 months at graduation).   Yes, it's SO young, etc, etc.  But ya know what?  I wouldn't change a thing.  Not that I encourage or recommend following in my footsteps, but there are much worse things than having a child to care for that you love with all your heart and would do anything for.  Trenty made me a better person and young moms can still be good moms.  Heck no, I was not always perfect but I always did my best for him and for me.  If I could go back and undo it, I wouldn't.

<3  I (used to be) a darn good artist.  Well, a pretty darn good drawer at least.  I miss doing it, it was something I deeply enjoyed and I produced a lot of work that I am still very proud of.  I would love to make more time for drawing and get good at it again.

<3  I (used to be) a darn good writer.  I even have a couple of poems published in poetry collection books (not like they were choosy, but still.  It's fun to see my name in print).  I miss writing creatively, I have written some great poems, short stories, and even a short play.  As far as expressing myself goes, I definitely do it best through writing.

<3  I have always wanted to write a fictional book.  Maybe someday. : )  I don't know what it would be about...

<3  I am 6' 1.5."  Obviously those who personally know me know this.  But those of you who only know me online probably hadn't envisioned a giant.  Now you can!

<3  I SUCKED at basketball and volleyball.  A lot.  Just sayin'. ; ) (Somehow this tidbit seemed to naturally follow the last one...)

<3  I really wish I was more outgoing and confident.  I am good at putting on an air of calm, cool, and collected, but if I am in a new situation or around new people, I am not in my comfort zone at ALL.  I deeply admire people who make a lot of connections and have a range of friends and associates.  I wish I put forth a more friendly and professional air and was more comfortable getting to know lots of different people and making connections with new people.

Well, as the title indicates, this is the first part of this entry.  I need more time for rules 3&4 but I solemnly swear, I will get to those steps (and therefore, part II of this entry) soon.

With love until next time
alex
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I got Taylor's dove today (thanks so much to Jessica!!!) and I am so thrilled with how it turned out!!! : )

In Retrospect

I am amazed- as usual- that another year has flown by.  Day to day, things don't really seem to change all that much, but then I look back and think, wow!  SO MUCH has changed over the years, and so much happened and changed in 2010.  I never would have thought that all of the things that happened last year would have happened to me.  I feel like a completely different person in so many ways.  I never would have thought that I'd get pregnant, or be excited about it.  But I did, and I was so thrilled.  I never thought I would know how it feels to lose a child, I remember feeling such sorrow for people who have.  And although their circumstances were different (like they had children who were born and who they got to spend months or years with first), I never, ever, ever thought I would end up knowing firsthand how hard it is to say goodbye to a child that you wanted to have in your life for the rest of your life.  And though I have gone back and forth over a very long period of time about God, church, religion, et cetera; I am way more in touch with my spiritual side now than I ever thought I could be.  Somehow through the bad things, starting in the summer of 2009 when Shane and J.J. died, my faith in God grew stronger, not weaker.  I cannot explain how or why but I am so very glad that I can now say my relationship with God is growing and I am learning so much about faith and his love.  Day to day, little things happen, but over the period of many days, big things have taken place.  I may not always understand why, but I am truly grateful for all of my experiences.