"I don't know why, but I don't want a boy." This will haunt me forever. Obviously i'd be happy with any healthy baby God wanted to bless us with.
I wish I didn't think...
That one of the final ultrasound pictures looks like the baby's face is in a little scream. I'm sure this is my imagination getting the best of me. I hope. But I swear in the one picture it looks like my poor angel baby is looking right at us with an open mouth that is screaming.
Ryan doesn't know that I know where the pictures are but I do, and I often look at them.
I wish I could stop obsessing...
About where I "should" be with this pregnancy. I'm NOT pregnant anymore and I need to stop focusing on what might have been. Today i'd be 34 weeks. Trent's room would be downstairs, we'd have a nursery now, Ryan would have a bigger car, we'd know if the baby was a girl or boy and he or she would have a name (maybe not Taylor).
This just really sucks.
Most of all I hate the thought that we will never have a rainbow baby, and even if we did I wouldn't be happy because I'd be terrified. And because no one will replace the baby we lost.
I also still feel like a jerk face for not being happier about other people's babies. I guess I'm just too sad for me to be happy for others. Which I really hate because I don't want to be like that! It's just really hard to be reminded of what I DON'T have and not getting to know why this happened to us and not getting to know why this baby couldn't stay.
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I wish you didn't obsess either.
ReplyDeleteBut not because I think it's wrong to obsess, but because it must be so hard for you. I would obsess, too. I obsess over things that don't matter (at all) - but this was REALLY important to you.
If I was there, I would hug you.
If you're not ready to be happy for other people, that's ok. You have to care about YOU right now.
I love you.
(Rachel)
All I can say is I totally get everything you just wrote. Totally get it.
ReplyDelete