Memories of the Beginning

Not long after we said goodbye to our wonderful baby, I began typing up my memories about the pregnancy.  I didn't get super far, but this is what I recalled in those painful days after we lost Taylor:

July 6, 2010: I’ve been gaining a tiny amount of weight over the past couple of weeks for no apparent reason, so in the back of my mind, it clicks that maybe I’m pregnant.  I haven’t kept track of my cycle very well, and i don’t think I’m very late, if at all. It seems unlikely, as Ryan and I haven’t gotten pregnant in almost 4 years, but I figure what the heck? I have a pregnancy test and I might as well find out, just to be sure. I’m 99% sure it will be negative, and then I’ll start eating better, lose the extra couple of pounds.  It’s been a while since I’ve taken a test, but I remember what to do. It’s first thing in the morning, so I sleepily do what I think I’m supposed to and realize after I’m done that I didn’t do what the instructions said.  Great.  Now maybe I’ve wasted a test. I set it aside and finish in the bathroom, look at the test and see two pink lines.  Two.  Two means pregnant.   I look again; look at the instructions again, at the test again, at the instructions again, carefully comparing the two.  It’s positive; I’m going to have a baby.  Despite the millions of objections I’ve had over the past few years about this—the kids are too old, I don’t want to start all over, I have a boy and a girl and that’s perfect, I hate being pregnant, we don’t have room in the house for a baby, Ryan would need a new car—I am unbelievably happy.  I hesitate, thinking to myself that for some reason, I should wait to tell people.  But I’ve had 2 perfect pregnancies in the past—despite being scared and doing and thinking stupid things during them.  Nothing was going to go wrong, and I was so happy.  I texted a friend right away to tell her the news.  Then another.  A third, and finally, a fourth friend who is one of my best friends, has been my longest friend, but also may not be happy: she’s the friend I can voice my worries to, even though I am in a thrilled state of stupor.  The kids and I go swimming so I bask in the sun while they play, happy but still completely shocked.  A little apprehensive now about telling people, thinking of how to tell my husband, our families, and the kids. I know they will be happy, but, again, my mind tells me to wait, at least to wait a while before we tell the kids.  Ryan texts and asks how I am.  I don’t want to tell him over text but I don’t know what to say, how to lie and cover it and act as if it’s a regular day.  I am glad it’s a Tuesday, because that means he only works a half day, and I won’t have to wait so long to tell him.  I say we’re fine, and I tell him I have some news.  “News? What kind of news? Is everything ok?  Is it good news?”  I prod him to be patient, that I’d rather tell him in person, but he keeps trying to guess.  He asks if it’s something I always wanted and I think he’s alluding to this, because I did used to want 3 kids, and he knows that.  So instead I ask what I always wanted.  He loses his nerve and says, I don’t know.  I teasingly say I always wanted to win the lottery, but I haven’t.  By now he’s home, and we haven’t arrived back yet.  He pesters me about when we’ll be home, what’s the news. We finally get back home and Ryan and I go into our room without the kids.  He keeps guessing what the news is and then says, “Are you pregnant?”  Stupidly, unromantically, and less than perfect, I reply, “I guess so” sort of gushingly, and hand him the test.  I don’t know if he was happy or not, initially.  It made me a little nervous because I thought he always wanted this; he was always the one who seemed to want another child, not me.  I think maybe we were both just surprised.  It had taken so long, and obviously, I could have kids, so I think we both doubted his ability to.  I figured it happening now was God’s way of letting us know the timing was right, even though it was a surprise.  That maybe we needed to get to this point in our relationship, where we were getting along pretty well again, and content, before it was a good time.  He said he was happy, just surprised, so I didn’t push.  I knew at some point, he’d be very happy.  I went to run an errand and he laughed at me when I returned with a pregnancy book.  What to Expect, Eat Well When You’re Expecting.  The irony was that lately, I HAD been eating well.  Very well.  Except now.  I started to crave junk and was completely turned off by the healthy things I had been eating regularly before.  I asked him if he wanted to go out to dinner, I had won a gift card from work for a restaurant, but he didn’t feel like going there.  We chose a healthier place that jives better with his eating needs.  By now he was bursting, hinting that we should tell the kids.  It made me very happy to know that we were both happy and I hoped this happiness would be infectious.  Still, I wanted to wait a little while-- to   break the news to our families and the kids maybe over my birthday, which was in a couple of weeks.  But I was going to be having a baby, and we were happy, and everything was going to work out just fine. 

July 7, 2010:

It was Wednesday, which is my Monday for the workweek, and usually the busiest night of my week.   Derek, my friend and “boss” asked what’s new when I arrived and I replied, “How big is your mouth?”  I was dying to tell him but didn’t want everyone to know right away, and I know he has a big mouth.  He confusedly asked, “Huh?” and I told him he had to keep a secret.  Mostly, I didn’t want Andy, the cook, and my friend, to find out before I had a chance to tell "S", one of my best friends in the whole world, but who had lost his son last year tragically to meningitis.  The baby was gone by the end of the day he had gotten sick, and it was already rapidly coming up on one year since this happened.  I was apprehensive about telling him.  He’s a wonderful friend, but I knew it wouldn’t be easy for him to hear or be happy about, and the timing was pretty terrible.  Derek promised he’d keep a secret and so I said, “I’m pregnant” or “I’m going to have another baby,” something to that effect.  He shrieked and got as excited as I figured most of my girlfriends would.  “FINALLY!” he exclaimed, and I laughed.  He promised he wouldn’t tell anyone, but I assumed he’d tell his girlfriend Ariel, which was fine with me.    It made me happy that other people would be happy and excited about it, and, secretly, I was already thinking about baby showers, baby things, how I’d do up a nursery, the blankets I’d crochet for him or her.  When I arrived home that night, Ryan confessed that he’d told his brother Mark.  I was nervous because that meant we’d have to tell the rest of the family soon, but I was happy that he was happy and excited, and so I felt content.

July 8, 2010:

My friend Jenny is thrilled.  She just had a baby last summer, so she offered me some prenatal vitamins she had leftover.  We stop by to get them, and she secretly congratulated Ryan and me.  He’s beaming.  We excitedly talk about it behind the kid’s backs, and hang out for a bit and play with her kids, then we take off to run some other errands.  I start taking the vitamins right away, although I leave them in the trunk of my car so the kids and people at work won’t see, and I take them every day when I get to work.  I am feeling so excited about the growing baby inside; and feeling excited that other people are excited.  This is really an amazing thing!

Sunday, July 11, 2010

This weekend Ryan worked, so his parents watched the kids for us while I went to work, until he got home.  Since I wasn’t there, I can only tell the story secondhand.  Apparently, Ryan was outside with his parents, the kids were playing on their bikes, as usual, and Ryan told his parents he had some news to share.  Somehow, Trent was listening and shouted out, “Mom’s pregnant!”  Ryan told him no, it’s something else, and then proceeded to share the news with his parents.  When I got home, he said, “I told my parents.”  I scolded him jokingly, saying now we had to hurry up and tell his sister, and my mom.  And, soon, I supposed, the kids.

July 12, 2010

The kids have morning swimming lessons, so we take them, hang out and enjoy watching.  When they’re done, as they come over and start to dry off I kiddingly say, “Hey, Trent, I heard you thought I’m pregnant.”  He sheepishly laughs as I pretend to joke around with him and then I say, “Well, you were right.”  He doesn’t look as happy as I had hoped he would (I thought after begging me to have a dozen kids, he’d be thrilled), but Taryn lights up, exclaiming “You are?!? Oh, mommy I’m so happy!! If it’s a girl we should name her Vanessa, and if it’s a boy we should name him Scottie or Tommy.  I hope the baby can sleep in my room.”  I am thrilled that she is so excited; I think she will be an excellent big sister.  Later that day, Trent and Ryan sit outside at the patio table and are talking, looking a little serious.  A little while later, they are laughing and Trent seems relaxed.  I ask what they’re talking about and Ryan tells me, “man stuff.”  I decide I’ll ask Ryan more about it later.  He tells me they were talking about how it’d be different once the baby comes, and how Trent can move downstairs and make his own cool room to stay in.  I am glad Trent is warming up to the idea, although one of my objections to this has always been that Trent would probably have to move downstairs and I don’t want him to feel like he’s being kicked out of his room or being segregated from the rest of us.  Now, it really seems like Trent is warming up to all of the changes that will be going on.  Things are falling into place, and it’s so exciting.

July 13, 2010

It’s Tuesday, Ryan has to work a late half day today, and Taryn starts the first day of 3 for gymnastics camp.  I am excited that I’ll have some time to hang out with Trent; he is such a fun kid.  We get Taryn settled, and then we take off.  We run some errands, nothing exciting; he helps me pick out sandals to wear to a baby shower I’m going to over the weekend.  We go to Target and he looks at toys for a long time while I look at baby stuff (for myself, but also for my 2 cousins, one having a boy, the other, a girl).  We leave with too much time left so we stop by my mom’s house, which is just down the street from gymnastics camp.  We’re hanging around, chatting; Trent keeps eyeing me, eager for me to tell my mom.  Finally, he gives me a VERY pointed look, and then eyes my mom dramatically, nudging his head slightly.  I smile, knowing he’s eager to see her reaction, and I say, “You can tell her.”  She looks at us quizzically, and Trent says, “My mom is gonna have another baby.”  She shrieks, clapping and yelling, and I know Trent finds this very amusing, probably the best reaction he could’ve hoped for.  “Oh, I just knew you’d change your mind and have another one!”  I hold my tongue about how long it took for this to happen, assuming she thought I’d been trying NOT to have a baby all this time.  We’re thrilled that she’s so ecstatic, and when it’s time to get Taryn, she’s disappointed she missed the big reveal to grandma.  It’s a happy day.

**Knowing this baby was an amazing experience, one I am grateful for.