"I've heard that's really common"

Several months back, those very words were said to me by a co-worker when it came out that I had lost 2 kids. "I've heard that's really common." Girl, what?! It was all I could do not to bite back in the meanest possible way with "I heard it's common to lose your parents." But what asshole would say something so mean, thoughtless, and absurd? What point would it serve to slap her in the face with words over the loss of her mother whom she loved so dearly?  But what makes child loss, especially miscarriage, any different? Yes, my children weren't even born, they were tiny, they were developing, I didn't even meet them. But they were MY kids. They lived in my body and in the few weeks I knew about them, my brain had already played out millions of moments of their lives and not one of those moments included their death and me not getting to meet them in this life. So why do we act like it's ok to disregard them with statements like that one? Yeah, it's common to lose a child. Lots of things are common, it doesn't make them any less terrible and knowing that it's common doesn't do anything whatsoever to make it easier. Cancer is common. Having parents pass away is common.  Having your identity stolen is common. But our reactions to those events are much different. I cannot fathom ANYONE saying "yeah that's common" when someone they know is diagnosed with cancer or some other terrible disease. No one would say such a thing with a straight face and expect that to be somehow comforting. My kids DIED. Knowing it's not uncommon does NOTHING to ease that. At this very moment, HALF of my children are not here with me and I have missed 1 and almost 3 years so far with them. A million moments, stolen away.I'm glad I'm not alone in that but knowing it's happened to other people really only makes me more sad. Other people have had to go through this shit! Friends, relatives, women I love dearly! I wouldn't wish this on anyone. So please remember that while it's common to miscarry a child, it's also a very terrible thing and the only words appropriate to utter are, "I'm sorry for your loss(es)" or some other similar but sensitive phrase. I know the topic is uncomfortable, but living on earth with kids in heaven is uncomfortable, too.

bikini body/bikini ATTITUDE

A friend posted this on facebook, and it was PERFECT for how I've been feeling lately!

When I was 15, I could eat junk all day and was literally so thin people I didn't know would ask me if I was anorexic.  In gym class sophomore year, we were measuring our body fat with calipers and a girl I didn't even know came over and asked if anyone had 0% body fat.  My group of friends and I told her no and she looked at me and said, "oh, we thought maybe you did."  I was close to 6 feet tall, weighed no more than 145 (getting sick sophomore year took care of that and brought me down to the low 130s for the rest of high school), had thighs so skinny I couldn't MAKE them touch, and ate horrendously.  People TELL you it won't be like that forever and that you just have high metabolism, but you don't realize how much and how quickly things change.  (For the record I was completely obsessive about having a skinny waist and would wake up at 5 in the morning to do abs of steel workouts- all this after one little comment by my mom when I was 12 that I was getting a little bit of chunk at my waist.  At 5'9" and 115 pounds or so, looking back I'm sure it was either pretty much nothing or she was completely kidding- but that comment stuck with me, well, forever.  So I did get a fair amount of exercise in high school, I also walked a LOT).  But, after I had my baby Trent, my body never went back.  Despite actually still being skinny and fit (maybe tipped the scales around 155) I was still OBSESSED with being skinnier.  I weighed a little more and my waist was one whole inch bigger than before and it drove me crazy.  After I had Taryn, I was just a bit heavier than before I got pregnant with her.  Then, when Taryn was about 2, I gained about 20 pounds.  I was heavier than I had ever been except when I was pregnant and I thought it was totally unacceptable.  I began eating better (at this point I wasn't exercising ever) and lost 25 pounds in a couple of months.  After I met Ryan I gained a little back.  Then I started exercising again and toned up.  Then I got a little flabby.  When we got married I weighed somewhere around 160-165.  I wore a bikini one day on our honeymoon and after we got the pictures I was appalled.  All I saw was my fat gut.  I asked him why he let me run around like that and to look how fat I looked.  He said, "I just see us on the beach."  Right after we got married, I was stressed out and still trying to handle this whole being a grown up thing and started gaining again.  Then I got obsessive about exercising.  If my weight fluctuated AT ALL it freaked me out.  Then I stopped caring.  Then about 4 years ago, I gained my holiday weight and could NOT get rid of it.  Then in the summer it just fell off for no reason I could figure.  Then I got pregnant with Taylor.  That 10 weeks I gained probably 8 pounds.  Too much.  The next couple of years were the same.  Pack on weight over the holidays.  Watch it disappear when the weather got warm despite no changes to diet or exercise.  In 2012, I gained my holiday weight.  But it never went away in 2013.  In fact, the scale just kept creeping up and up.  My clothes were tight, I'd look in the mirror and think I was disgusting.  My tummy was flabby for the first time in many, many years (even after babies, I'd work hard to get at least a 4 pack back).  My thighs wouldn't NOT touch.  Mind you, at 6'1"ish and still under 180, I'm NOT huge.  But my head tells me I am.  So one of the goals I have this year is an either/or.  EITHER I'll lose weight- HOPEFULLY from eating healthfully, so that whatever chronic disease is plaguing me and making me feel terrible all the time will go away and a logical side effect will be weight loss, OR I'll "get over" my weight gain and JUST MAKE PEACE WITH HOW I LOOK.  I want to wear a bikini this year; just not with the stipulation of only doing so if I'm fit and look skinny.  I want to put on a bikini and not compare myself to EVERY. OTHER. WOMAN. I. SEE.  I want to put on a bikini and not CARE if I don't have a 6 pack- or even a 4 pack- or even a 2 pack!  I want to put on a bikini and know that the 20000000000000000000000000000 stretch marks I have are from the 4 babies who lived in there and not care if they're noticeable.  I want to put on a bikini and know there's nothing wrong with the body I'm in- whether it's 175 pounds or 155 pounds or any other NUMBER of pounds.  I don't know how I'm going to get to this point, but that's my goal.  And to not say how fat I am in front of my kids.  We shouldn't be judging any woman by her size, and I shouldn't be teaching them to by tearing myself apart.  My body can earn a black belt, care for my family, and take my dog for a walk.  It can house children.  All those things should be good enough!  I just have to get to the point where I always think those things ARE good enough- about myself and any other woman, bikini-clad or not.

church notes- literally typing (swyping on phone) notes during church

Favorite and not favorite things

DMV, taxes, jury duty, disciplining kids (dislikes from the crowd)

SUFFERING
No one likes to suffer.
WHY do we dislike/hate suffering?
We're creatures of comfort/pleasure
AVOID DISCOMFORT
UNLESS there is value/payoff/benefit to the suffering/discomfort/pain/difficulty
Suffering a rite of passage for Christians (hard time in faith is a typical Christian journey)
Matthew 5 (blessed are those who suffer and are persecuted) verse 12: rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven
Christian or not, people will go through trials because we live in a fallen, sinful world.
Suffering: sin filled choices and mistakes. We sometimes choose the wrong path due to our sinful nature.
Sometimes it isn't due to our wrongdoings or bad choices.
Hebrews 12:
Suffering at the hands of others.
God marked or our race, we must fix our eyes on Jesus who endured the cross and sits at the right hand of the father. Ephesians 4: we, through the lens of the blood of Jesus Christ, are seen by God as holy and blameless
Persecuted due to their faith because they walked away from Judaism. Banned, abolished, suffering because they believed in Jesus.
Jesus= free grace! (Woohoo)
Keep on!
Struggle against sin different from struggle WITH sin. Keep persevering!
"The Lord disciplines those he loves, and he punishes everyone he accepts as a son"
We want our kids to learn to work hard and learn discipline; we don't (and God doesn't) want us to SUFFER, we want them to grow up with values and grow into maturity BECAUSE WE LOVE THEM. The concept is the same with God and us. He is saying, "you belong to me." This involves difficulty at times!
In order to shelter us from pain, He would have to protect us from ourselves and everyone else. He gave us free will instead. We have the choice to accept or deny him. As we suffer, we have good to look to and good to find our hope in! We should seek discipline in order to grow (in Him). We respect our parents for disciplining us; God is our heavenly father. Discipline produces a harvest of goodness. There are benefits of discipline and suffering!
Suffering= benefit of faith. New lens and perspective.
James 1:2-4: "consider it pure joy whenever you face trials... We will become mature and complete from it"

     
Through the text I used the words us and we. The above photo is a reminder that he loves us ALL and wants us all to love him back (No matter how bad we think we are)

Ironically, this was my daily bible verse for today on my bible app:

1 Peter 5:10

10 And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you.

Random thoughts

How did I end up with a giant black bruise on the inside of each of my thighs and not remember hurting myself? I'm assuming it's from karate but still. OWWWWWWWW. I'm such a baby.

When i cross my legs they hurt each other!  Why do my bruises never look quite as bad in pictures as they actually are?!  Apparently i can't be trusted with wooden nunchucks. Also, I whacked my elbow about 1,000,000 times so it hurts the most but the damage isn't quite as evident.

I just had to switch from typing on my phone to typing on the computer and when I logged in, I used my work password.  I think I'm there too much!

My dog is curled up on our new cuddly blanket (or, "mankey" if you're Taryn) and she looks so cute!!! She doesn't look as cute as she really does in the pictures I snapped of her.  Perhaps I am a terrible photographer. 

Isn't she so cute!!!  I like her so much.

I can't really think of what I want to say so sorry about the rambling.

I did have a few other new year's wishes:
1.   Don't get angry while driving
2.  Calm down and just be nice to people (like when I was at work on Christmas eve and on the phone and I kind of rudely asked a customer to hold on just a second and he was just telling me merry Christmas.  gosh.  I felt like such a bitch).
3.  Don't look at the phone while I drive, ever.  For any reason.  I need to just get in the habit of putting it in the trunk.

I had thought of some others earlier today but now I can't remember so probably my first ten posts will have things I want to work on this year.

I know I'm no where near 500 words but I think that's all I've got in me today.  Good thing a picture is worth a thousand words!

Also, the terrible song 7 things I hate about you is stuck in my head.  No idea why.  I wish it would stop.  Although trying to think of 7 things I hate about the singer (Miley Cyrus for those of you who don't have the misfortune of knowing offhand) makes it more amusing.  And I just broke my wish #2 above.  Ha.

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words and reso's

Thanks to Jamie at forget me not, oh Lord, I am signed up for the 500 word challenge to write at least 500 words every day in the month of January. Obviously it's the 6th so I'm not off to the best start ha ha. But that's ok. I was really excited to see this idea because I have really been wanting to get back to spending time each day writing and I'm hoping to write every day. Maybe not 500 (or more) words every day, and maybe not always here, but definitely at least 15 minutes every day to myself to be creative and let some thoughts out. I'll edit this post later to link to the 500 word challenge (I'm on my phone so it's a little complicated at the moment. Also my dog is squeaking her toy incessantly and it's totally hilarious but also moderately distracting).

I'm not really one for making resolutions (that I totally never keep. At all). So here are my WISHES for the year:
1. At least TRY- really hard- to eat clean for at least a month. This will require extra work, extra planning, extra effort, and probably extra money but I think it would be extremely beneficial and I'm excited to see if we all feel better. (Update, I haven't braved going to the doctor but Ryan recently had and m.s. is suspected, so I'm hoping it will help him too).
2. Spend more time reading, writing, and being creative and less time watching t.v. or messing with my phone.
3. Walk every day. Even if it's cold, or late, or I'm tired.
4. Go to the stupid doctor (and find one who doesn't suck)
5. Read the bible and my daily affirmations every day.
6. Get good at my job or find one I am good at and happy at.
7. Feel better about babies. Dunno how to do this but maybe I'll see a therapist or something. I need to make peace with my reality and move forward.

I'll revisit these wishes for 2014 every couple of weeks to keep them fresh and stay mindful of them. Wish me luck!