To Smile

Lately there are times when I feel like everything is ok.  Like my life has gone back to normal and somehow I'm just fine.  I know I'm not, it just doesn't always surface.  The constant distractions: reading, wasting time on the computer or in front of the tv, doing anything to keep my mind busy with bullshit just goes to show that I need to keep my mind occupied so that I don't break down.  When I see a pregnant woman, it is almost impossible not to think, "how come SHE gets to be pregnant?"  It still does not seem fair.  It still doesn't even seem real most of the time!  Ever since we had to say good-bye to Taylor, it seems like babies really, really like me.  The day after I found out, a tiny boy tottled up to me outside a friend's apartment and tried, in his baby way, to talk to me.  Sometimes this is comforting, other times it hurts more than a knife to the heart would.  There are so many things that just cause little pangs of hurt.  Fridays. Knowing another week has passed since I found out, thinking to myself, 1 or 2 or now 6 weeks ago, I was so excited to get to that appointment.  I just KNEW everything was going to be fine (the chances were only 5% that they would not be fine, I constantly reminded myself of that).  I was eager to see my baby's heart beating away and to be told to rest so the bleeding would subside.  Nothing at all could have prepared me for the actuality of what happened at that visit.  Tuesdays, too, are hard, knowing that I should be 11, 12 (in the clear), and now 16 weeks pregnant.  If I were that far along now, would I be showing yet?  Would I be starting to feel the little flutters of movement?  Some people may think that it is unnecessary to think of these things, like I am torturing myself needlessly, but these thoughts cannot be kept at bay.  I think it is natural to wonder, especially when it is something that is so hard to accept and deal with.  But it's not always bad.  I thank God that I at least got to find out for sure before I actually passed the baby.  I know many people feel like the D&C is an awful experience, and I don't know which is worse for sure, but I do know that passing the baby "naturally" is a heartbreaking, gutwrenching experience.  If I had not had that appointment, I would have been so shocked and horrified when it was time that I don't know if I could have handled it.  I got to get a couple of ultrasound pictures of the baby, which are amazing mementos to have.  I think about how being pregnant with Taylor was one of the happiest times in my life.  So many of the worries I usually plague myself with just went away when I was pregnant.  There are so many things I can do to remember Taylor by, and that makes me happy, too.  Plans for a tattoo to honor all of my children, having Taylor's name written on a blade of grass, and written in the sand on a beach in Australia.  It hasn't been easy lately, but sometimes, I am able to smile.

And it feels really great when I do.