My Thoughts Vs. Reality

Ever since I was very young, I wanted to have 3 children.  Of course, my "plans" [how silly it was to try to map out my life at the tender age of 17, but, anyway.... I've learned a lot since then : )] ended up being very different from God's plan for me.  MY plan consisted of a successful career, and then 3 children all 3 years apart- modeled after my cousins, who, despite threatening to put each other up for "adoction" and pushing each other into fountains at the mall, seemed like a just right family- but that wasn't what was in the cards for me. 

At 17, during my last semester of high school, I got pregnant with my son.  I really was terrified; I knew my mom would be upset.  Also, my boyfriend and I had an extremely unhealthy relationship.  I stupidly thought about somehow trying to hide the pregnancy from my mom but of course that was not possible.  When the dad and I broke up about midway through my pregnancy, he called my mom and told her that I couldn't break up with him because I was pregnant with his kid.  This was not the best way to break it to her, but at least then she finally knew. It was a weight off my chest.  Luckily, I was able to start college in the fall at 7 1/2 months pregnant.  It was a little awkward, but I didn't realize how lucky I was at the time to be able to be starting school while pregnant with my first baby.  I always thought it was so weird when people would praise me and ask how I did it.  I just looked at it as doing what I had to do, and it really didn't seem special at the time.  I don't know if I could do now what I did then again.  I was lucky to have so much support! When Trent came in November of 1999, it was the best and craziest day ever.  I didn't think he was ever coming!  When he finally did it was the most amazing thing.  He was big and beautiful and perfect, and it was SO strange (but awesome!) to know that I was someone's mom- I had a son! Crazy : ) Somehow, I was able to go back to school 4 days after he was born.  Life went well, I did decently in school, I was learning to be a mom, and I was working and had a ton of help and support from my mom. 

When Trent was just over 2, I met Erik.  It was a chance meeting: we were both someplace we normally wouldn't be, and when I handed him my phone number he said thanks and grabbed it without missing a beat.  It felt like some kind of crazy destiny.  Unfortunately, we didn't really get along well.  It felt like we had to hang out and we had this crazy connection, but we weren't very nice to each other.  At 6 years older than me, he was much less mature than I thought he should be.  Becoming a dad was not something he was ready for.  This did not end up being something that was up to us, though.  6 weeks after we started dating, I became pregnant with Taryn.  I was due in December and I was horrified that she'd be born during finals, which meant I would have to delay graduating until the next year.  Fortunately, she cooperated with my schedule.  On Tuesday, December 17 (the day of my last final, which was in the early morning), she decided to join us.  She waited for me to finish, but then she was READY! My labor lasted about 5 hours from my first contraction to birth.  We got to the hospital at 6:30 and she arrived 17 minutes later.  She was gorgeous and wonderful and even though I was only 21 and the single mom to 2 babies,  my life was great.  I graduated from college 5 months later and was enjoying my family.  Trent loved her so much and things were going really well.

When Trent started pre-school just before he turned 5, he began asking about having a dad (his dad stayed in the picture- kind of- for about 11 months, but had long been absent by now).  His school did a lot of focus on father involvment (which was great except for Trent- who didn't have a father or even a good male role model).  I always said I was never daddy shopping, but having children made dating a completely different game.  I did not want to expose my kids to a series of random losers, and many guys my age were not ready to have kids- especially not one's who weren't theirs.  When Trent was 5 and a half, and Taryn was 2 and a half, I met Ryan.  We were close in age and he had just gotten out of a long, bad relationship.  Within just a few months we were engaged.  He was sweet and fun and loving, and he made me feel calm and happy.  He loved the kids and they loved him very much, too.  We got married in October of 2006 which was only 15 months after we met.  It was a whirlwind, and things were not always perfect.  But we both have learned a lot about each other, about parenting, and about how to have a great home and family.  Now that we've come so far, I'm very happy with the decisions we've made that brought us to this point.

I always said after having the kids that if I wasn't pregnant again by the time Taryn was 5, then I wanted to be done.  I was happy with a beautiful little boy and a beautiful little girl.  I figured Ryan would want children of his own, but his thoughts about biology do not really match up with other people's ideas of the difference between bio children and non bio children.  He was a daddy to these kids, and he was happy with that.  I know we kind of both wanted another, but I always resisted and made excuses about why I didn't want more children.  Being pregnant was usually awful for me, I got lots of morning sickness (both times all the way through the second trimester), gained a lot of weight, and basically, I just hated it.  I guess I just made a bad pregnant lady with Trent and Taryn.  After almost 4 years of not ending up pregnant, I think Ryan and I both had doubts about whether it could happen for us or not.  So you can imagine my surprise when I started to gain a little weight and decided to take a pregnancy test, just in case (I did not want to be drinking or doing anything else that may jeopardize the baby, if there was one), and it was positive.  All of my doubts went out the window!  All of the objections I had fell by the wayside- even though I tried to tell myself that they were still things to consider and be concerned about.  Lots would change, but Ryan and I both were ready for it.  Just like that.  He'd need a new car, we'd need a room for the baby and we'd need to renovate a room downstairs for Trent to move into.  It didn't matter. At all.  Once we told the kids, Trent was excited to be getting his own space and more privacy, so the worry of kicking him out of his room and isolating him wasn't even relevant.  I began to wonder what it would be like to have a baby around.  I thought about getting big, sharing the news, buying new baby things.  I wanted to make a blanket and other things, and right from the start I was eager to know if the baby was a boy or a girl.  I dreamed about how the nursery would look, about having a baby shower- we were all so excited!  Now that I know the happiness of anticipating a new family member, I am sort of eager to try again.  Not that a new baby would replace Taylor.  AT ALL!

I guess we'll have to wait and see what the plan for me turns out to be.  Lord knows what I think is going to happen doesn't usually turn out to be reality!