I Don't Really Know Where to Start, But....

I really feel like I need to do this.  It has simply been far too overwhelming to live my life day to day and act like everything is ok.  I always hold SO MUCH in and I don't have anyone I can be completely open with.  I don't speak my mind, I don't emote, I don't get anything off my chest.  It's just gotten to be too much lately.  I am tired of not speaking out when there is so much going on in my head, and in my heart. 

So.  What's going on? Why do I feel this way?  Well, anyone who knows me knows that recently I miscarried a baby.  This is so much harder than anyone who hasn't gone through it could possibly understand!  I am so ashamed to admit that I honestly never understood how upsetting and awful this could possibly be.  There is no way to describe how awful it felt to get on that ultrasound table and knowing, knowing but not understanding entirely, that my baby was no longer alive.  I remember her saying, 9 weeks, 4 days, and thinking, how did the baby's growth slow down, I should be about 10 weeks, it's too small.  I wondered what she needed to do to her equipment to get the heartbeat to show up.  Then it all sank in, but my mind tried to protect itself just a bit longer.  Finally, she said the words.  She showed me where the baby's head was, where it's abdomen was, where the heart was, and finally said, "and there's no heartbeat, and no motion."  I didn't know (despite already having 2 kids) that at 9 w 4 d the baby's heart is already completely developed, that they have arms, legs, fingers and toes, and already are in there moving around like crazy! It is SO amazing to think that a baby the size of a quarter (!) can move and play. Now that a little time has passed, it makes me smile to think about it.  The night I found out (Friday, August 13), however, I just lied on the couch and SOBBED!  All I could think about was that tiny baby in there, moving, growing, developing, it's heart beating like crazy (172 bpm at the ultrasound on my birthday), and suddenly, for reasons I will never get to know in my lifetime, it all just.... stopped.  Did it hurt?  How did it happen?  Why this baby, and why me, and why our family?  It really doesn't seem fair (yes, I know that is a whiney thing to say, but it's true). 

These weeks following have been so crazy.  I honestly feel lost.  I don't know how I am supposed to feel, act, or think.  Society doesn't treat miscarriages like other deaths, and now that I know what it's like, I am so PISSED that this is the case.  It's not "just a miscarriage."  It's the loss of a baby!  It's wondering, was it a boy or a girl, what happened, why me, what would this baby have looked like, have been like, how would he or she changed our family?  There are so many questions we will never have answered, and that is so hard to live with!  With that, I have always swore that if I had another baby (which I insisted I wouldn't, but that's a thought for a different time), that regardless of whether it was a boy or a girl, its name would be Taylor.  So, now you all know who Taylor is when I speak of him or her.  I refuse to live my whole life out referring to this precious child as "it."  I will speak of Taylor often, because I love this baby, and I am not going to pretend like this never happened!  No one who's had a miscarriage should have to.