Today is baby loss awareness/ remembrance day. I remember finding out about it last year and I felt so sad over J.J. then. I never thought I'd be in the position to know how it feels to lose a child. I never thought that the pain I saw in my best friend's eyes and the tears I tried to help stop pour from his eyes would be mine a year later. I didn't know that I'd have to ask him for advice on how to feel, what to say or think, or just what to DO in general to not have it tear me apart. It's getting easier and that scares the hell out of me. But just because the days continue to be livable and life goes on (they say) doesn't mean I don't love and miss Taylor terribly. I can't believe it's been 9 weeks already since I found out. Tuesday will mark what should be my 20th week of pregnancy, the exciting halfway there point. It still hurts, I just have not let it hurt as much as it should lately, I think. It is such an all-consuming thing if you let it be. But I don't think trying to live like normal is the best thing either..... I don't know where I'm going with this, just rambling I guess. I'm in a constant state of feeling lost over all of this. I can't even describe it.
Here's something I heard, loved, and want to throw out there. I heard an analogy somewhere that I think is good to keep in mind. If your dad died, and you grieved, would that mean you love your mom less to be sad over losing him? No! Of course not. That's how it is with losing a baby, too. Yes, I have AMAZING children. It does not mean Taylor did not or does not matter. He or she was their own person, with their own special place in my heart. I love Taylor, and I lost Taylor, and OF COURSE that does not make the children I have here with me any more or less important. I love them all for who they are and I should be allowed to grieve without being reminded of what I have, as if that makes it less hard somehow.
Don't forget that.
So today is the day to remember my Taylor, and all of those other special babies who live with God and not their parents. Please take a little time to remember today, and every October 15. 1 in 4 knows what it feels like to say goodbye to their baby before they got to meet them, so please spread the word (and the love and support), you probably know someone who really needs it! And if you don't know what to say to those who have lost, don't let that be an excuse to say nothing.
Thank you Alex, for sharing your joy about the pregnancy, the pain of loss and the struggle through all the emotions. I want you to know that I will be praying for you through this. Also, I wanted to share about David in the Psalms how when his baby died he said words to the effect, he cannot come to me but I will go to be with him. David took heart in the fact he would see his child again. You will see your baby someday. For now, God is taking care of Taylor with all the best care. For that matter we all are going to see and know Taylor. Meanwhile, you remain in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteLove you,
Grandma Gloria