Venting

I think it's super annoying that some people get to announce their pregnancies at 8 weeks and it's all just fine and great for them. I think it's annoying that some people post their ultrasound pics without a second thought as to how much some people wish they had had ultrasound pics of THEIR baby at that point. I think it's annoying that I have to smile at babies that are just like the one I should have. I think it's annoying that I can't say I'm hurting or annoyed or frustrated because heaven forbid i offend anyone or make them uncomfortable. I think it's annoying that I'm just supposed to be fine.

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I Cried

It's been a super long time since I've cried about ANYTHING, but last Monday, I finally cried. I cried for the baby I didn't get to meet. I cried because it's not fair. I cried because I'm so run down and I needed to. Mostly, I cried because it still hurts and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this is so out of my hands and it's scary. When I think about if I want another baby, I just can't even answer that. It feels so not up to me. I don't know if I'm healthy enough, I don't know if I'm happy enough, and I certainly don't know if I could deal with this again. Hell, I didn't really deal with it at all in the first place. I do know that I still think, the baby should be about 8 months old. I know I still get jealous and bitter that other people are excited about their new pregnancies. I don't know what I need to do to feel right about all this or what would be good for me and my family anymore. I guess breaking down for once was the first step in the long process of dealing with grief. I'll keep you posted with how it progresses.

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Health Vent

I know I've said a million times that I don't feel good.  I really am tired of people brushing it off, though.  Because here's the thing: up until last October, I could be on the verge of death and insist I'm not sick.  I don't call in, I don't complain, I don't usually feel the need to go to the doctor.  Now,   DAILY, I wake up in pain.  Not little aches and pains but literally can't roll over in bed.  Can't stand up straight from sitting down for more than ten minutes.  Can't flex my foot up without pain shooting all the way up my leg.  Can't drive without getting pain in my ribs.  Can't put on socks without a struggle.  Can't sit or lay on the couch for a few minutes without my hands or feet falling asleep.  Can't work out or stand up without getting dizzy.  Exhaustion to the point where I have days that I go back to bed after getting the kids to school and almost can't get up to pick them up when school lets out.  Can't do 1 push up right because my low back hurts too much to support my body and my chest hurts too much to actually do the move.  Brain fog where someone asks for something at work and I literally forget 2 seconds later (those of you who know me well know that I used to never write anything down at work)- now I get so confused I can't stay focused for more than a minute or two.  "You don't look sick," people say.  Yeah, that only makes it ten times harder to explain that something is seriously wrong with me and all I have to show for it is massive amounts of pain, looking like a complainer, and feeling like I'm crazy.  Awesome.  "Go to the doctor" people say.  Yeah, like the 3 last year who told me what was wrong is "normal" and sent me on my way... while 10 or so months later those "normal" things are still going on- in addition to more and more problems?  I don't know what to do to get through to people anymore, including (and especially) doctors!

Birthday memories

Last year, on my birthday, I had my first ultrasound of Taylor.  I got to revel in the magic of knowing that my baby was 1/2 and inch big (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW is all I can say to that)!  I saw a little blob (I honestly don't know how those ultrasound tech's can tell what's what sometimes) with a heart that was beating LIKE CRAZY!  It was one of THE coolest experiences I have ever had.  29 was definitely my best birthday! 

Yesterday, I turned 30.  There has been no rainbow baby, and as far as I can tell, there won't be.  I haven't been feeling well ever since October.  Well, really, since August 13, but the switch from sad about losing a baby to actually sick happened in October.  I've been making myself nuts for the last 11 1/2 months- whether it be about Taylor or about not feeling well.  

But, as a nice girl from work reminded me, "it may be an end to an era, but a new one is only beginning!"  THAT, my friends, is true!  And truly worth celebrating!  I'm 30 (holy cow!), but that's just a perfect excuse to close a book on my past and look forward to seeing what new things are in store for me.  I'm ready!

Yay, Summer???

Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited that it's summer.  BUT...

1.  I always THINK we're gonna do this, this, this, and that.  Then, it's a week before school starts and I realize we haven't done ANY of it.  So, I made a to-do list, hoping that seeing it in my little notebook will keep me motivated to actually DO many of the fun things on the list, which include:
*see my friend Patrick's newest play
*go on tours of Coors (which I haven't done since I was about 12) and of the celestial seasonings factory (which I got ditched out on the couple of times my mom went, when Trent was too young to go)
*join the summer reading programs and actually take advantage of the fun (FREE!) events they have going on throughout the summer for the kids
*go to Elitches, Water World, Lakeside, et cetera- and maybe even splurge for the front-of-the line passes so those days will be really fun, even if they're a tad pricey

2.  I kept telling myself that I would start feeling (physically) better by summer.  I don't.  Son-of-a..... Ryan is convinced that I have lupus, and I'm pretty sure he's right.

3.  Along with #2, people with lupus have a higher risk of miscarriage, so:
A.  If I'd have known I possibly had lupus before (and there WERE signs), is there something I could've done to help my baby Taylor? and
B.  I'm not getting pregnant, or trying to, ever again, if it means my chance of not having a baby is higher.  I can't do it.  I am in awe of those who have gone through it more than once.  I won't. and
C.  dealing will all the s**t that comes along with being sick enough to feel awful EVERY day, and with the emotional aspect of this all is taking a GIGANTIC toll on me.  I'm gonna have to see a dr.  But I'm scared.  And it's a let-down to know that even if I wanted to try for another baby (which I don't know about anymore), I'm not prepared to deal with doing so.

4.  Well...
I'm afraid this is going to sound superstitious and downright absurd, but it's been on my mind ever since last summer.  In 2009, J.J. died on August 15, my cousin died 2 weeks before that.  In 2010, I lost my baby on August 13, an old friend died 2 weeks after that.  I feel like there's this black cloud over my head and I'm really just paranoid as all get out that something awful is going to happen again at the end of the summer.  I mean, I'm not sitting around counting days til something bad happens, but it does cross my mind.  I can't take another terrible summer ending.  Like I said, it sounds paranoid, silly, so on...
I can't help it!

So my hopes and prayers are that I will spend this summer with my family doing fun things, feeling decent, and not worrying about how THIS August will go.

Wish me luck.

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Thankful Thursday, Again

Lots of things today!

1. It's national day of prayer.  Cool!! I hope He will forgive me for not making enough time to pray, because I am really, really bad about giving myself that time, even though it is SO beneficial when I do.  There is nothing like taking the time to reflect on what is good in my life, to give thanks, and to let the burden of some of  my worries be lifted from my shoulders to Him.  I also know that I should pray way more often.  At any rate, it was great to have a reminder to do so today, even if some of the prayers were just quick, small reflections on who or what I am thankful for.  I am also so grateful that my path (even though it is imperfect and there are things I regret) led me to where I am now; and that there is no doubt in my mind that He loves us and is always with us.  While I have lost loved ones (and of course, being human, and being selfish, I still have my why? times), in some unexplainable way, the loss of those people has simply strengthened my belief that there is so much more to life than just living in this world.

2.  For whatever reason, I was in a good mood today, and work went nicely (only a couple of minor snags).  I wish every day could go like that!  (Mostly) nice customers, good tips, 2 compliments.  Did I mention that I wish every day could be like this?  It's nice to know that I am doing a good job- even though it is not my ideal job- and it feels good to be appreciated and know that my hard work pays off.  On a soapboxey note, not that I think anyone reading this thinks so, but for those who DO think that servers are lazy, or stupid, or that serving is not a respectable job- you're wrong!  Servers have to be focused, pay attention to details, be organized, be speedy, carry around HEAVY plates, trays, etc; and, oh! we have to smile and put up with people who are rude and/or condescending and/or cheap and/or messy and/or clueless and/or loud and obnoxious (kids included!- YOU may think your screaming, demanding, messy kid is cute, but, weird! I DON'T).  Ok, off the soapbox; but seriously, if you want to be under appreciated, be a server.  It was GREAT to have a day where I know the majority of my customers truly appreciated my efforts, and were friendly and nice and treated me like a PERSON.

3. Today we graduated in karate; now Trent and I are green belts and Taryn is a purple!  Graduating is always exciting; with every step we make, it feels like part of something bigger.  We have all made great strides- physically and mentally, and it is fun to visualize how far we will all continue to go.  I never expected that we would all be undertaking this journey together, and although it has a few downsides (price, one not always awesome instructor, days where one or the other of us has that "i just don't wanna" attitude), it is SO cool to be able to all do something as a family that helps us in lots of areas in our lives and gives us all a big goal to work toward.

4.  It's almost Mother's Day!  I love being able to celebrate being a mother and spending time with my children.  There is not a day that passes that I don't thank God for each and every one of my children.  I also enjoy letting my mother know how much she means to me.  Furthermore, I now have a wonderful mother-in-law to celebrate as well.  AND, I still have my sweet grandmother and my husbands grandmothers, and we enjoy letting them know how special they all are to all of us.  We are blessed to have so many amazing women who love us and show us exactly what it means to be family.

5. It's Cinco de Mayo. While that doesn't necessarily matter to me, personally; it is fun to have known a lot of people from work who it does matter to.  And to Rigo, I hope you are resting well, I don't think of you often, but I do think of you fondly, and with sadness that your short life came to an end in such a tragic way.  I miss you at my mom's work, teasingly calling her "mudder-in-law" (that seems like a lifetime ago!)

Thankful Thursday, #1

I want to try something new, and since I use this space to do a lot of complaining, or woe-is-me-ing, or basically just being negative, I thought I'd start off with Thursday, and being thankful. <Although I do like the idea of a WTF Wednesday, so we'll see ;)>

Here are some things that I am thankful for:

One perfect little boy and many years of amazing memories; looking at him and still smiling every time I get to admire his cute little (big) face.

One perfect little girl who still loves to cuddle and snuggle up; watching her suck her thumb (yes, she's old for that; yes, she'll be mad at me for telling everyone), but DANG is she so cute and sweet with her "mankie" (blanket) and her thumb.

One little angel who I didn't get to meet or even find out much about; even though losing is painful, I am happy for the time I got to have with him or her. <3

A husband who is fun to be around and who helps take good care of us.

A mom who is always willing to help and who we can have fun with.

A house that not only provides shelter but also is full of beauty and love.

A car that gets me around and is also pretty and fun to be in.

Music.

Time to be with my family.

Friends.

Going for walks.

Spending time with the kids at their school things and being a part of their learning and extracurricular activities.

Reading and writing.  And the library.

Sometimes I need to take the time out to remember how much I have to be happy about.  I hope this will inspire YOU to take a second to think of some of the things you have to be thankful for, too.

No One Told Me

No one told me that once my due date came, and went, I would not be able to simply breathe a sigh of relief because it was over.  It is not over, because now the crazy counting and should haves are just moving in the other direction.  Instead of "I should have a baby in 2 weeks," it's "I should have a two week old, a month old," and on and on it will go. 

Don't get me wrong, I never expected that it would all just be over and it would never bother me again.  Of COURSE it always will be on my mind.  I just did not account for my shoulda coulda woulda's to keep continuing.

I guess I will probably never stop counting days and weeks and months and I will never stop having questions as to why.

<3 <3 <3 TAYLOR <3 <3 <3

Tested

So.... Ryan's out of town (again) for work. I work 6 days in a row (and I have no idea how long it's been since I've done that)! So far, I've only worked the 3 days and I'm already completely exhausted. (And one of the days was super short so I could take Taryn to the doctor). I've barely been able to keep up with the house, we have yet to make it to karate this week, we've had girl scouts, a doctors appointment, boy scouts, a band concert, and now Trent isn't feeling well and may need to go to the doctor to get antibiotics for what I suspect is a uti (ouch :( )! I can barely stay awake past 9. I'm kinda bored and kinda lonely and kinda grumpy and I've snapped at the kids and feel like a jerk.

But then I still have a little girl who forgives me, and came into my room this morning to snuggle. I have a little boy who just had his second band concert and looked so grown up with his big baritone. But he even did "i (point to his eye) love (point to his heart) you (point at me) x (make an x with his fingers) o (make an o with his fingers)" from across the room.

It may be a trying week, but I sure am blessed!

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Missing in Action

Yeah...

It's been a LONG time since I've had anything to say here, much less anything really substantial.  I am not sure if that's good or bad.  Sometimes I think it is good, because maybe that means my focus is not so much on my loss, not so much on wanting people to feel sorry for me sometimes (just being honest), not so much on focusing on others who share the experience of losing.  But mostly it's bad because I am pretending.  Pretending that I'm ok, pretending nothing's wrong, pretending that the days up to the 9th weren't some of the most upsetting days of my life. 

That's why I'm back.

I can't just act like it's all good, like stuff's been fine and cool and I just don't care anymore and I'm not hurting still- because that's not the case at all.  I am still mad.  Mad at the why me's of this terrible experience.  There is still so much that is difficult to wrap my mind around.  Why did it take so long to get pregnant?  Why did it happen then?  How could something I honestly didn't think I wanted to happen have been so wonderful, so exciting, and honestly have given me some of the happiest and most content feelings that I remember having?  Ever.  Why didn't this baby stay?  Was he or she unhealthy or not?  Was it something I did?  (Rationale can tell me the answer to this question is no, but will I ever fully believe that?  Doubtful).  Was my baby a he or a she?  What would have he or she looked like?  Why do I have (almost) nothing tangible to remember this all by?  All I have are 4 ultrasound pictures (2 of which are after my precious baby was an angel), a few books and magazines, and the after-the-fact tributes which do help but still just aren't enough. 

But then there's the other side.

It wasn't all bad, you know.

I had a pregnancy that, honestly, I got to be happy and excited about.  I never thought I would have that experience.  Not that I was not happy or excited about Trent and Taryn or that they weren't wanted.  But it's different telling your mom when you're 17 (and newly single) that she's going to be a grandma vs. telling her when you're married and she's been harrassing you for years to have another baby.  It's way cool to tell the dad and not have him say some crap like, "If you are, I'd leave the country" (I know, right, WTF?)  I had never had an early ultrasound before, and having the ultrasound tech tell you that your baby is only HALF AN INCH big, and yet seeing a beating heart is one of the most AMAZING experiences ever.  And I got to have that, on my birthday, with my kiddos there.  That was one of the best days ever.

I guess there's good and bad with my due date coming and going, too.

First of all, that day wasn't really so bad. 

I think that sounds terrible.  I don't mean for it to.

But here's why:
The anticipation of that day was what was really, really hard.  Because I didn't know what to do, or think, or how to act, or what would be "right."  Was I supposed to be sad all day?  Was I supposed to be "over it?"  Would I want to hide away, cry, smile, be around others?  I drank the night before.  I didn't plan it that way, but Sparkles texted me after work and I figured, hey, why not.  I could use a drink.  After I got home, I knew Ryan was annoyed initially, but then it all clicked and he said he didn't know what to say or do, either.  He didn't know what was "expected" of him on my due date.  I think it's easy to forget that this is not just my loss.  Ryan lost a child, too.  It's different for him than for me but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter or that it's easy for him.  But then that day came.  Don't get me wrong, "not so bad" still means pretty shitty.  It was a sad day, I did feel bad.  But in some ways, it was put to rest a little.  I went to target and I ended up looking at baby stuff.  It didn't hurt me.  Those little things are just things.  Meant for sweet babies who deserve to be here with parents who deserve to have them.  I won't feel the joy (right now) of getting all those little things and having a baby who can use them, but it's ok.  My little baby had to go before I wanted him or her to, but it's going to be ok.  I wrote in my journal, which I had also neglected for a VERY long time.  I was definitely agitated that day, but I made it through. 

And that chapter is over.  Not that I won't think about it, or it doesn't matter.  But the torture of counting down and thinking about where I "should" be with the pregnancy is over. 

My baby is resting.  And we're ok.

Thank you, Jenny

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I Think I'm Losing It

The closer it gets to my due date (2 weeks yesterday til the big day), the more I am not sure if I'm going to be able to handle that day.  First of all, I can't believe it has already gone by so fast! I go back to all those hopes and dreams of last summer when I first found out, and it is unbelievable to me that here I am now, and all those things I thought would happen, haven't.  I haven't told people at work that I'm expecting, we haven't excitedly anticipated the big day, we don't have a nursery, I haven't kept going walking with a big belly to show off and I didn't get attention from the old people at the mall about it.  I have started karate, and even sometimes it makes me mad that I am there and not sitting, uncomfortably, on the bleachers with my big tummy giving me problems. 
I also am starting to think more and more of what I am not going to have; just when I got to the point where I think I am starting to move beyond "what should have been" and "it's not fair," it hits me more and more that I should be welcoming a new baby VERY soon, and I'm not going to be.  I think it makes me very mad.  And very sad.

Things That I Obsess Over

I wish I'd never said....
"I don't know why, but I don't want a boy." This will haunt me forever. Obviously i'd be happy with any healthy baby God wanted to bless us with.

I wish I didn't think...
That one of the final ultrasound pictures looks like the baby's face is in a little scream. I'm sure this is my imagination getting the best of me. I hope. But I swear in the one picture it looks like my poor angel baby is looking right at us with an open mouth that is screaming.
Ryan doesn't know that I know where the pictures are but I do, and I often look at them.

I wish I could stop obsessing...
About where I "should" be with this pregnancy. I'm NOT pregnant anymore and I need to stop focusing on what might have been. Today i'd be 34 weeks. Trent's room would be downstairs, we'd have a nursery now, Ryan would have a bigger car, we'd know if the baby was a girl or boy and he or she would have a name (maybe not Taylor).

This just really sucks.

Most of all I hate the thought that we will never have a rainbow baby, and even if we did I wouldn't be happy because I'd be terrified. And because no one will replace the baby we lost.

I also still feel like a jerk face for not being happier about other people's babies. I guess I'm just too sad for me to be happy for others. Which I really hate because I don't want to be like that! It's just really hard to be reminded of what I DON'T have and not getting to know why this happened to us and not getting to know why this baby couldn't stay.

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Another Blog Award : ) Part I

I got an award!  This award is from Jamie at forget me not, oh Lord. 

Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!

As always, I have to give love to Jamie, she is an awesome lady, a fellow BLM with very similar dates to my loss (as well as similar dates to my excitement and the good things that happened with my pregnancy), and a great mommy to an adorable little girl.  She is also expecting her rainbow baby which is awesome, and I hope her pregnancy will be going more smoothly soon!  Check her out for sure if you never have.

O.............. K................ 7 things about myself.... hmmm.  That could be interesting!

<3 I had my first baby when I was (barely) 18 (and if you knew me in high school, know this:  I was about 4 1/2 months at graduation).   Yes, it's SO young, etc, etc.  But ya know what?  I wouldn't change a thing.  Not that I encourage or recommend following in my footsteps, but there are much worse things than having a child to care for that you love with all your heart and would do anything for.  Trenty made me a better person and young moms can still be good moms.  Heck no, I was not always perfect but I always did my best for him and for me.  If I could go back and undo it, I wouldn't.

<3  I (used to be) a darn good artist.  Well, a pretty darn good drawer at least.  I miss doing it, it was something I deeply enjoyed and I produced a lot of work that I am still very proud of.  I would love to make more time for drawing and get good at it again.

<3  I (used to be) a darn good writer.  I even have a couple of poems published in poetry collection books (not like they were choosy, but still.  It's fun to see my name in print).  I miss writing creatively, I have written some great poems, short stories, and even a short play.  As far as expressing myself goes, I definitely do it best through writing.

<3  I have always wanted to write a fictional book.  Maybe someday. : )  I don't know what it would be about...

<3  I am 6' 1.5."  Obviously those who personally know me know this.  But those of you who only know me online probably hadn't envisioned a giant.  Now you can!

<3  I SUCKED at basketball and volleyball.  A lot.  Just sayin'. ; ) (Somehow this tidbit seemed to naturally follow the last one...)

<3  I really wish I was more outgoing and confident.  I am good at putting on an air of calm, cool, and collected, but if I am in a new situation or around new people, I am not in my comfort zone at ALL.  I deeply admire people who make a lot of connections and have a range of friends and associates.  I wish I put forth a more friendly and professional air and was more comfortable getting to know lots of different people and making connections with new people.

Well, as the title indicates, this is the first part of this entry.  I need more time for rules 3&4 but I solemnly swear, I will get to those steps (and therefore, part II of this entry) soon.

With love until next time
alex
****************************************************************************
I got Taylor's dove today (thanks so much to Jessica!!!) and I am so thrilled with how it turned out!!! : )

In Retrospect

I am amazed- as usual- that another year has flown by.  Day to day, things don't really seem to change all that much, but then I look back and think, wow!  SO MUCH has changed over the years, and so much happened and changed in 2010.  I never would have thought that all of the things that happened last year would have happened to me.  I feel like a completely different person in so many ways.  I never would have thought that I'd get pregnant, or be excited about it.  But I did, and I was so thrilled.  I never thought I would know how it feels to lose a child, I remember feeling such sorrow for people who have.  And although their circumstances were different (like they had children who were born and who they got to spend months or years with first), I never, ever, ever thought I would end up knowing firsthand how hard it is to say goodbye to a child that you wanted to have in your life for the rest of your life.  And though I have gone back and forth over a very long period of time about God, church, religion, et cetera; I am way more in touch with my spiritual side now than I ever thought I could be.  Somehow through the bad things, starting in the summer of 2009 when Shane and J.J. died, my faith in God grew stronger, not weaker.  I cannot explain how or why but I am so very glad that I can now say my relationship with God is growing and I am learning so much about faith and his love.  Day to day, little things happen, but over the period of many days, big things have taken place.  I may not always understand why, but I am truly grateful for all of my experiences.