Wondering What's Wrong With Everyone

I just want someone to hold me and assure me things are going to be ok even though I feel like they aren't. I'm tired of not being well, of no one caring or responding, of everyone making light of my pain and my fears. My body has turned against me and I feel like no one can help and all is hopeless. I'm scared to go to the dr. I'm scared something is desperately wrong. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of the thought of my kids not having me. I'm scared of it being something bad and having to comfort my mother when i'd be the one needing comfort. I am alone.

I am also tired of worrying,caring about, doing things for, etc, people who couldn't care less back. When did everyone get so selfish? I'm tired of friends who can accuse the world of being shitty to them but have no problem turning around doing it right back to their "friends". I'm sick of people who are so selfish they need you when it's convenient for them but won't even make a slight effort to be there for you. I'm tired of asking someone how they are, cuz, guess what?i actually give a fuck, and being ignored. I'm tired of people saying they'll do something for you and then they don't. Don't volunteer to do something if your word means nothing! Is anyone reliable anymore?

Don't anyone bother responding, i know no one's there.

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Grieve

preconceived notions
stubborness and my own plans
i didn't want to start over again

until i met you through 2 pink lines
i never expected to see
you completely changed me

i was thrilled the second i knew 
you were on your way
i had so many hopes

dreams...

we all were eager to welcome you
i got to experience new miracles
the thrill of an excited partner
an excited mother
ultrasound at 8 weeks
such a tiny heartbeat
amazingly strong

now i know my plans can never be

i was sure you were ok
it wasn't meant to be
i saw you later on that screen

still

initially i tried to deal
i cried, i vented, i let some feelings out
then i stopped
my focus shifted

i never grieved

now it still hurts
some days less than others
it's hard to be happy and not feel the pain
it's hard to smile at babies and bellies
when the sight is like a knife to my heart

i don't know how to feel
and i don't know what to do
and i feel like it's not up to me

i'm lost

i never grieved

Living

I don't understand when, why, or how it became ok to not live but simply survive. Or why who we are has changed to what we do. I don't want to be defined by my job, how often I work, how much money I make or have or by the things I own. I am tired, frustrated, and scared by the fact that when I do what is truly important is revolved around when I work, and often it is diminished in some way because I am too stressed or tired to give it the attention I wish I could. I am angry that priorities-seeing friends, enjoying my kids, writing, taking care of myself and my home, building and developing relationships I care about, take a backseat to a job that isn't fulfilling mentally, physically, or financially. I feel like a failure because the things I care about most-PEOPLE, have suffered because I simply can't stretch myself that thin. The line between caring too much and not at all has been completely blurred because I am tired and scared so I am caught between wanting to try as many times as it may take to make things right and wanting to say I give up,i can't do any of this anymore. My resolution? Pray and think on it and hope with all my heart that God will direct me to a healthier path. And to anyone I've let down through simple laziness, I am really, sincerely sorry.

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New Beginnings

I know I usually talk about losing a baby on here but today I'm going to discuss the exact opposite, finding a parent! On Wednesday, December 28, 2011, I was found on facebook by my aunt, Becky Brown, my fathers sister. How exciting is that?! In one instant, a million questions were answered and I couldn't be more happy. I got to put faces with names, I found out I don't have other biological siblings but I do have 2 stepsisters, and I found out that I've been cared about for a very long time by many people. When family gets separated, you never know what may happen on your quest to find them. What happened was the best possible outcome. I have a dad who cares, a plethora of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc who I hope to get to know as soon as possible, and I don't have to wonder anymore.

I never thought that the new year would bring tons of new family with it but I feel so grateful that it has. I have a new lease on life, a new excitement to learn about half of my family and half of myself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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Venting

I think it's super annoying that some people get to announce their pregnancies at 8 weeks and it's all just fine and great for them. I think it's annoying that some people post their ultrasound pics without a second thought as to how much some people wish they had had ultrasound pics of THEIR baby at that point. I think it's annoying that I have to smile at babies that are just like the one I should have. I think it's annoying that I can't say I'm hurting or annoyed or frustrated because heaven forbid i offend anyone or make them uncomfortable. I think it's annoying that I'm just supposed to be fine.

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I Cried

It's been a super long time since I've cried about ANYTHING, but last Monday, I finally cried. I cried for the baby I didn't get to meet. I cried because it's not fair. I cried because I'm so run down and I needed to. Mostly, I cried because it still hurts and I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like this is so out of my hands and it's scary. When I think about if I want another baby, I just can't even answer that. It feels so not up to me. I don't know if I'm healthy enough, I don't know if I'm happy enough, and I certainly don't know if I could deal with this again. Hell, I didn't really deal with it at all in the first place. I do know that I still think, the baby should be about 8 months old. I know I still get jealous and bitter that other people are excited about their new pregnancies. I don't know what I need to do to feel right about all this or what would be good for me and my family anymore. I guess breaking down for once was the first step in the long process of dealing with grief. I'll keep you posted with how it progresses.

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Health Vent

I know I've said a million times that I don't feel good.  I really am tired of people brushing it off, though.  Because here's the thing: up until last October, I could be on the verge of death and insist I'm not sick.  I don't call in, I don't complain, I don't usually feel the need to go to the doctor.  Now,   DAILY, I wake up in pain.  Not little aches and pains but literally can't roll over in bed.  Can't stand up straight from sitting down for more than ten minutes.  Can't flex my foot up without pain shooting all the way up my leg.  Can't drive without getting pain in my ribs.  Can't put on socks without a struggle.  Can't sit or lay on the couch for a few minutes without my hands or feet falling asleep.  Can't work out or stand up without getting dizzy.  Exhaustion to the point where I have days that I go back to bed after getting the kids to school and almost can't get up to pick them up when school lets out.  Can't do 1 push up right because my low back hurts too much to support my body and my chest hurts too much to actually do the move.  Brain fog where someone asks for something at work and I literally forget 2 seconds later (those of you who know me well know that I used to never write anything down at work)- now I get so confused I can't stay focused for more than a minute or two.  "You don't look sick," people say.  Yeah, that only makes it ten times harder to explain that something is seriously wrong with me and all I have to show for it is massive amounts of pain, looking like a complainer, and feeling like I'm crazy.  Awesome.  "Go to the doctor" people say.  Yeah, like the 3 last year who told me what was wrong is "normal" and sent me on my way... while 10 or so months later those "normal" things are still going on- in addition to more and more problems?  I don't know what to do to get through to people anymore, including (and especially) doctors!

Birthday memories

Last year, on my birthday, I had my first ultrasound of Taylor.  I got to revel in the magic of knowing that my baby was 1/2 and inch big (WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW is all I can say to that)!  I saw a little blob (I honestly don't know how those ultrasound tech's can tell what's what sometimes) with a heart that was beating LIKE CRAZY!  It was one of THE coolest experiences I have ever had.  29 was definitely my best birthday! 

Yesterday, I turned 30.  There has been no rainbow baby, and as far as I can tell, there won't be.  I haven't been feeling well ever since October.  Well, really, since August 13, but the switch from sad about losing a baby to actually sick happened in October.  I've been making myself nuts for the last 11 1/2 months- whether it be about Taylor or about not feeling well.  

But, as a nice girl from work reminded me, "it may be an end to an era, but a new one is only beginning!"  THAT, my friends, is true!  And truly worth celebrating!  I'm 30 (holy cow!), but that's just a perfect excuse to close a book on my past and look forward to seeing what new things are in store for me.  I'm ready!

Yay, Summer???

Don't get me wrong, I am totally excited that it's summer.  BUT...

1.  I always THINK we're gonna do this, this, this, and that.  Then, it's a week before school starts and I realize we haven't done ANY of it.  So, I made a to-do list, hoping that seeing it in my little notebook will keep me motivated to actually DO many of the fun things on the list, which include:
*see my friend Patrick's newest play
*go on tours of Coors (which I haven't done since I was about 12) and of the celestial seasonings factory (which I got ditched out on the couple of times my mom went, when Trent was too young to go)
*join the summer reading programs and actually take advantage of the fun (FREE!) events they have going on throughout the summer for the kids
*go to Elitches, Water World, Lakeside, et cetera- and maybe even splurge for the front-of-the line passes so those days will be really fun, even if they're a tad pricey

2.  I kept telling myself that I would start feeling (physically) better by summer.  I don't.  Son-of-a..... Ryan is convinced that I have lupus, and I'm pretty sure he's right.

3.  Along with #2, people with lupus have a higher risk of miscarriage, so:
A.  If I'd have known I possibly had lupus before (and there WERE signs), is there something I could've done to help my baby Taylor? and
B.  I'm not getting pregnant, or trying to, ever again, if it means my chance of not having a baby is higher.  I can't do it.  I am in awe of those who have gone through it more than once.  I won't. and
C.  dealing will all the s**t that comes along with being sick enough to feel awful EVERY day, and with the emotional aspect of this all is taking a GIGANTIC toll on me.  I'm gonna have to see a dr.  But I'm scared.  And it's a let-down to know that even if I wanted to try for another baby (which I don't know about anymore), I'm not prepared to deal with doing so.

4.  Well...
I'm afraid this is going to sound superstitious and downright absurd, but it's been on my mind ever since last summer.  In 2009, J.J. died on August 15, my cousin died 2 weeks before that.  In 2010, I lost my baby on August 13, an old friend died 2 weeks after that.  I feel like there's this black cloud over my head and I'm really just paranoid as all get out that something awful is going to happen again at the end of the summer.  I mean, I'm not sitting around counting days til something bad happens, but it does cross my mind.  I can't take another terrible summer ending.  Like I said, it sounds paranoid, silly, so on...
I can't help it!

So my hopes and prayers are that I will spend this summer with my family doing fun things, feeling decent, and not worrying about how THIS August will go.

Wish me luck.

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Thankful Thursday, Again

Lots of things today!

1. It's national day of prayer.  Cool!! I hope He will forgive me for not making enough time to pray, because I am really, really bad about giving myself that time, even though it is SO beneficial when I do.  There is nothing like taking the time to reflect on what is good in my life, to give thanks, and to let the burden of some of  my worries be lifted from my shoulders to Him.  I also know that I should pray way more often.  At any rate, it was great to have a reminder to do so today, even if some of the prayers were just quick, small reflections on who or what I am thankful for.  I am also so grateful that my path (even though it is imperfect and there are things I regret) led me to where I am now; and that there is no doubt in my mind that He loves us and is always with us.  While I have lost loved ones (and of course, being human, and being selfish, I still have my why? times), in some unexplainable way, the loss of those people has simply strengthened my belief that there is so much more to life than just living in this world.

2.  For whatever reason, I was in a good mood today, and work went nicely (only a couple of minor snags).  I wish every day could go like that!  (Mostly) nice customers, good tips, 2 compliments.  Did I mention that I wish every day could be like this?  It's nice to know that I am doing a good job- even though it is not my ideal job- and it feels good to be appreciated and know that my hard work pays off.  On a soapboxey note, not that I think anyone reading this thinks so, but for those who DO think that servers are lazy, or stupid, or that serving is not a respectable job- you're wrong!  Servers have to be focused, pay attention to details, be organized, be speedy, carry around HEAVY plates, trays, etc; and, oh! we have to smile and put up with people who are rude and/or condescending and/or cheap and/or messy and/or clueless and/or loud and obnoxious (kids included!- YOU may think your screaming, demanding, messy kid is cute, but, weird! I DON'T).  Ok, off the soapbox; but seriously, if you want to be under appreciated, be a server.  It was GREAT to have a day where I know the majority of my customers truly appreciated my efforts, and were friendly and nice and treated me like a PERSON.

3. Today we graduated in karate; now Trent and I are green belts and Taryn is a purple!  Graduating is always exciting; with every step we make, it feels like part of something bigger.  We have all made great strides- physically and mentally, and it is fun to visualize how far we will all continue to go.  I never expected that we would all be undertaking this journey together, and although it has a few downsides (price, one not always awesome instructor, days where one or the other of us has that "i just don't wanna" attitude), it is SO cool to be able to all do something as a family that helps us in lots of areas in our lives and gives us all a big goal to work toward.

4.  It's almost Mother's Day!  I love being able to celebrate being a mother and spending time with my children.  There is not a day that passes that I don't thank God for each and every one of my children.  I also enjoy letting my mother know how much she means to me.  Furthermore, I now have a wonderful mother-in-law to celebrate as well.  AND, I still have my sweet grandmother and my husbands grandmothers, and we enjoy letting them know how special they all are to all of us.  We are blessed to have so many amazing women who love us and show us exactly what it means to be family.

5. It's Cinco de Mayo. While that doesn't necessarily matter to me, personally; it is fun to have known a lot of people from work who it does matter to.  And to Rigo, I hope you are resting well, I don't think of you often, but I do think of you fondly, and with sadness that your short life came to an end in such a tragic way.  I miss you at my mom's work, teasingly calling her "mudder-in-law" (that seems like a lifetime ago!)

Thankful Thursday, #1

I want to try something new, and since I use this space to do a lot of complaining, or woe-is-me-ing, or basically just being negative, I thought I'd start off with Thursday, and being thankful. <Although I do like the idea of a WTF Wednesday, so we'll see ;)>

Here are some things that I am thankful for:

One perfect little boy and many years of amazing memories; looking at him and still smiling every time I get to admire his cute little (big) face.

One perfect little girl who still loves to cuddle and snuggle up; watching her suck her thumb (yes, she's old for that; yes, she'll be mad at me for telling everyone), but DANG is she so cute and sweet with her "mankie" (blanket) and her thumb.

One little angel who I didn't get to meet or even find out much about; even though losing is painful, I am happy for the time I got to have with him or her. <3

A husband who is fun to be around and who helps take good care of us.

A mom who is always willing to help and who we can have fun with.

A house that not only provides shelter but also is full of beauty and love.

A car that gets me around and is also pretty and fun to be in.

Music.

Time to be with my family.

Friends.

Going for walks.

Spending time with the kids at their school things and being a part of their learning and extracurricular activities.

Reading and writing.  And the library.

Sometimes I need to take the time out to remember how much I have to be happy about.  I hope this will inspire YOU to take a second to think of some of the things you have to be thankful for, too.