I remember my mom coming over on July 29, 2009; we were supposed to be going out for dinner to celebrate my birthday. I didn't notice at first that she was acting funny, then I caught it. The glimmer in her eye that she was upset. She tried to smile quickly to cover it when she saw I noticed, but it was too late. "What's wrong?" She was so upset, "I don't even want to tell you," she blurted in a voice quivering with tears. I definitely wasn't expecting what came next. Shane. My cousin, who I thought I knew, but figured out too late, really didn't. He'd been in a bad skateboarding accident. He was already gone by this point but my poor grandma didn't have the heart to tell my mom yet. She told me he "might be brain dead." She was so hopeful over dinner (NOT a birthday celebration, just a quick jaunt somewhere nearby so the kids could eat). I knew deep down there was nothing to be hopeful for. "Can we call mom again," she asked when we got back to my house. Of course I wanted to, I was eager that there was a decent prognosis but I just had a feeling there was not. I knew immediately it was bad as my mom blurted, "Oh, mom!" and started crying hysterically. I couldn't believe it. It felt like one of those crazy stories you read in Reader's Digest and feel so terrible for the family but never think anything like it could happen to someone you know. I was so upset, he was by far Trent's favorite of my relatives and he didn't take it well. I sat on my kitchen floor crying, "he's just a kid, he's just a kid." After staying up nearly all night, then awaking the next day to the thought, "Shane Braselton is dead" immediately haunting me, the thought that I couldn't shake next was for my aunt and uncle. I was profoundly overwhelmed with grief that they had lost their child.
Lot's of good came from losing Shane. He was an organ donor, so right now, there are people who live because he did not. His small town, Craig, CO, hosts "lid jam" at the end of July, offering free helmets to people who pledge to always wear them. My aunt and uncle and other cousins, his older brother, sister, and sister in law, are amazingly strong people. He has a nephew now who shares his middle name. Shane definitely is not forgotten! Especially not today. Happy Birthday, Shane! I know many people wish you were still here to celebrate it.
30 November 2010
28 November 2010
I'm A Dumbass
Despite having this aching knowing deep down that I never will have another baby (especially not the triplets I dreamt about before I got pregnant with Taylor), I can't seem to stop getting my hopes up. So the other day, even though I knew it was completely unrealistic, I purchased some pregnancy tests and took one. The reason why is because I have been super clumsy lately, and also put on some weight-- but that is easily explained by my terrible diet as of late. Each time I'd clumsily fumble something that ray of hope would shine through, it is one of my main pregnancy symptoms. A little voice urged me to just check, so I decided to, even though I knew I just bled recently. But because it was ten days early I just figured maybe my body isn't back to normal yet, and I thought maybe it was just a fluky thing and maybe I could be lucky again. So like a thief in the night, I stopped by the store after work on Friday, after I picked up the kids (there was no store on the way to get them), sent them to look at Christmas things, and got the tests. I went through the self checkout, shoved them into the bottom of my purse, then went back for the kids, trying hard to act casual, like it was normal to stop by the store for nothing. When we got home, I headed straight for the bathroom, took the test, and tried to stay calm, reminding myself that the odds were extremely low that it would be positive. I put the wrapper deep down in the trash, the extra tests as far back on the top shelf as I could toss them, and looked at the test, trying not to be eager.
Of course it was negative.
So I'm just fat and clumsy.
And hoping for something I am more than likely never going to have.
Of course it was negative.
So I'm just fat and clumsy.
And hoping for something I am more than likely never going to have.
24 November 2010
Thankful
I read somewhere that if you are having trouble falling asleep to pray the ABCs, I liked the idea so well that I have decided to make a list while I am awake and prepared to think hard about what I appreciate. Here is an ABC list of all the things I am grateful for:
A: Alex. I am glad to be me, even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, I am happy to be me, flaws and all, at the place I am in my life. I am in a grateful place where I know what I have and I know how to appreciate it. While I have had some bumps along the way, I am in a good place now where I am a better person and on a path to being even better.
B: Babies. All 3 of my wonderful babies have been an amazing gift, and while sometimes it seems unfair that I have lost one, and sometimes the other 2 no longer seem like babies, all 3 are a piece of me and I would not change my experiences with any of them.
C: Coffee. This is one of those little things, but it makes me happy any way. The smell, the taste, sipping it with friends (though I don't get to do that one enough). Try as I might, I cannot decrease my addiction to coffee, and everyone who knows me knows how much I love it!
D: Drama. Other people's. It reminds me to avoid the b.s. and to live happily and simply. It also reminds me to let the past be the past and to overcome rather than be a victim.
E: Education. I may not be where I want to be, but I am blessed to have been able to finish my college education and to have the opportunity to pursue it even further. I love school and hope my children will grow to value education as well.
F: Fun. Sometimes I complain that I don't get enough of this, but each time I do, whether it be alone, with my husband, kids, or friends, I am grateful for it. I thrive on getting out and having a good time. Also, of course, FRIENDS! Some have come and gone over the years, some make me mad, some are a bit flaky, but many are full of support, love, and strength, and sometimes I couldn't get through the days without them. So for friends who have been both bad and good, you've all made me stronger in some way. Thank you!!!
G: God. I have been back and forth with this, and I am relieved that I understand better now what it means to believe and have faith.
H: Hope. Even when I am down, I know it is always important to have hope and faith that things will and do work out as they should and that no matter what happens, I have the strength and courage to deal with it. And, although I am NOT a homebody, Home. I love having a home of my own and a place where I am building fantastic memories with my family. I am SO lucky to have a beautiful home with 3 wonderful people to share it with.
I: Integrity. I am a far cry from perfect. I have made a LOT of mistakes and I have done things which are shameful and I never imagined I'd be capable of doing. However, I have at least managed to grow from that and do pride myself in having the integrity to be a good person and to push myself to do the right things, not the easiest things.
J: John, John, and Jon. John Michael Mackey, my little brother; John Raymond Taylor, my best friend who is no longer alive; and Jonathan Christopher Sparks, the best friend I have who is still alive. Hearts!
K: Kooky. Is this a real word? Well, since I already went on about my babies, "kids" is out, so kooky it is. I am glad that I have the silly personality that I do. I don't always let it out, but I would definitely say that I can be very kooky, and I enjoy it!
L: Love. Live. Life. I am happy to be alive, and thank God each time I open my eyes to a new day. I am happy to have people to love, and people who love me. I am happy that I know many forms of love; romantic, friendly, and parental.
M: Mom. Sometimes she may drive me nuts (like when she doesn't give me credit for being a grown-up!) but she has been a terrific role model and has always put me and my brother first. She is hardworking, caring, helpful, everything anyone could ask for in a mother! I cannot imagine where I'd be without her. Also, music. I mean, seriously, it's one of my favorite things! I can't imagine life without it, I am a music-aholic!
N: Neighbors. I do have some great neighbors, and it is nice to know that there is a wonderful sense of friendship and community right outside my door.
O: Openness. I don't possess it, but I am learning. I am hopeful that one day I can say this is something I am more comfortable with. I think as I grow and learn, I am a better judge of who I can and cannot trust, and who are and are not good friends, so I do think someday this will be much easier for me.
P: Don't laugh. Peter. Peter Steele, my "pretend husband," the love of my life who I never met. I would be the first person to agree that it is silly to be obsessed with a celebrity, but he is my one exception. His music changed my life, made me feel like I was normal when I was sad, gave me hope, and made me cry sometimes. He was a constant I never imagined we'd already be without. I am happy to have just been in the same room as him (6 times, and yet not enough). Heart! Forever!
Q: Quiet. I consider myself to be hypersensitive to sensory stimuli. Get the TV AND a conversation going in the same room, and I go bonkers fairly rapidly. So sometimes peace, quiet, and even a chance to just pray or meditate is the best thing ever.
R: Rainbows. No matter when I see one, I always view it as a sign of hope, a reminder that no matter how dark, scary, or long the storm, there is always hope that there will be something beautiful afterwards and that things aren't always bad.
S: Schell. My last name. My grandfather's last name (may he be resting in peace, I can't believe it's been almost 20 years!). My children's last name. Family is very important to me, and I have been blessed to be born into an amazing family, the Schell family.
T: Well, duh, Trent Michael, Taryn Angelina, and Taylor. My 3 amazing children. What more could I ask for, one wonderful boy, one wonderful girl, and one sweet angel. You guys are my life and my world.
U: Understanding. I like to think that I am un-judgemental and that I try to have an understanding for people of all different walks of life. I like to see or hear more than one side to any story. I know it is not my place to judge or persecute others. I can only try to be a good listener and be open to learning other perspectives.
V: Van Otterloo. My husband's last name. An amazing family that I was lucky enough to be invited to be a part of. A large group of fun, tradition, and laughter.
W: Writing. It is the best way to be expressive. I enjoy writing here, on my blog, but even more so in my journal. I feel like ink to a pen is so rewarding, so personal, and beautiful. It leaves room for even more expression, as it is not always perfect, unlike typing. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself, but writing always gives me an outlet for saying whatever I want to.
X: Ok, here I've got nothing! Not xanax (luckily), not xylophone (while I did play percussion, we never really did this). X for aleX and having one of the most obscure letters in my own name?
Y: You. All of you. Anyone who I call a friend, or who cares enough to be reading this, has made an impact on me in some important way. So, thanks, to each and every one of you.
Z: Zest. Mostly this comes from others. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as having a lot of zest or excitement, but I certainly do admire and have learned a lot from those who do.
What are you grateful for?
A: Alex. I am glad to be me, even though I am not perfect and have made lots of mistakes, I am happy to be me, flaws and all, at the place I am in my life. I am in a grateful place where I know what I have and I know how to appreciate it. While I have had some bumps along the way, I am in a good place now where I am a better person and on a path to being even better.
B: Babies. All 3 of my wonderful babies have been an amazing gift, and while sometimes it seems unfair that I have lost one, and sometimes the other 2 no longer seem like babies, all 3 are a piece of me and I would not change my experiences with any of them.
C: Coffee. This is one of those little things, but it makes me happy any way. The smell, the taste, sipping it with friends (though I don't get to do that one enough). Try as I might, I cannot decrease my addiction to coffee, and everyone who knows me knows how much I love it!
D: Drama. Other people's. It reminds me to avoid the b.s. and to live happily and simply. It also reminds me to let the past be the past and to overcome rather than be a victim.
E: Education. I may not be where I want to be, but I am blessed to have been able to finish my college education and to have the opportunity to pursue it even further. I love school and hope my children will grow to value education as well.
F: Fun. Sometimes I complain that I don't get enough of this, but each time I do, whether it be alone, with my husband, kids, or friends, I am grateful for it. I thrive on getting out and having a good time. Also, of course, FRIENDS! Some have come and gone over the years, some make me mad, some are a bit flaky, but many are full of support, love, and strength, and sometimes I couldn't get through the days without them. So for friends who have been both bad and good, you've all made me stronger in some way. Thank you!!!
G: God. I have been back and forth with this, and I am relieved that I understand better now what it means to believe and have faith.
H: Hope. Even when I am down, I know it is always important to have hope and faith that things will and do work out as they should and that no matter what happens, I have the strength and courage to deal with it. And, although I am NOT a homebody, Home. I love having a home of my own and a place where I am building fantastic memories with my family. I am SO lucky to have a beautiful home with 3 wonderful people to share it with.
I: Integrity. I am a far cry from perfect. I have made a LOT of mistakes and I have done things which are shameful and I never imagined I'd be capable of doing. However, I have at least managed to grow from that and do pride myself in having the integrity to be a good person and to push myself to do the right things, not the easiest things.
J: John, John, and Jon. John Michael Mackey, my little brother; John Raymond Taylor, my best friend who is no longer alive; and Jonathan Christopher Sparks, the best friend I have who is still alive. Hearts!
K: Kooky. Is this a real word? Well, since I already went on about my babies, "kids" is out, so kooky it is. I am glad that I have the silly personality that I do. I don't always let it out, but I would definitely say that I can be very kooky, and I enjoy it!
L: Love. Live. Life. I am happy to be alive, and thank God each time I open my eyes to a new day. I am happy to have people to love, and people who love me. I am happy that I know many forms of love; romantic, friendly, and parental.
M: Mom. Sometimes she may drive me nuts (like when she doesn't give me credit for being a grown-up!) but she has been a terrific role model and has always put me and my brother first. She is hardworking, caring, helpful, everything anyone could ask for in a mother! I cannot imagine where I'd be without her. Also, music. I mean, seriously, it's one of my favorite things! I can't imagine life without it, I am a music-aholic!
N: Neighbors. I do have some great neighbors, and it is nice to know that there is a wonderful sense of friendship and community right outside my door.
O: Openness. I don't possess it, but I am learning. I am hopeful that one day I can say this is something I am more comfortable with. I think as I grow and learn, I am a better judge of who I can and cannot trust, and who are and are not good friends, so I do think someday this will be much easier for me.
P: Don't laugh. Peter. Peter Steele, my "pretend husband," the love of my life who I never met. I would be the first person to agree that it is silly to be obsessed with a celebrity, but he is my one exception. His music changed my life, made me feel like I was normal when I was sad, gave me hope, and made me cry sometimes. He was a constant I never imagined we'd already be without. I am happy to have just been in the same room as him (6 times, and yet not enough). Heart! Forever!
Q: Quiet. I consider myself to be hypersensitive to sensory stimuli. Get the TV AND a conversation going in the same room, and I go bonkers fairly rapidly. So sometimes peace, quiet, and even a chance to just pray or meditate is the best thing ever.
R: Rainbows. No matter when I see one, I always view it as a sign of hope, a reminder that no matter how dark, scary, or long the storm, there is always hope that there will be something beautiful afterwards and that things aren't always bad.
S: Schell. My last name. My grandfather's last name (may he be resting in peace, I can't believe it's been almost 20 years!). My children's last name. Family is very important to me, and I have been blessed to be born into an amazing family, the Schell family.
T: Well, duh, Trent Michael, Taryn Angelina, and Taylor. My 3 amazing children. What more could I ask for, one wonderful boy, one wonderful girl, and one sweet angel. You guys are my life and my world.
U: Understanding. I like to think that I am un-judgemental and that I try to have an understanding for people of all different walks of life. I like to see or hear more than one side to any story. I know it is not my place to judge or persecute others. I can only try to be a good listener and be open to learning other perspectives.
V: Van Otterloo. My husband's last name. An amazing family that I was lucky enough to be invited to be a part of. A large group of fun, tradition, and laughter.
W: Writing. It is the best way to be expressive. I enjoy writing here, on my blog, but even more so in my journal. I feel like ink to a pen is so rewarding, so personal, and beautiful. It leaves room for even more expression, as it is not always perfect, unlike typing. Sometimes I have trouble expressing myself, but writing always gives me an outlet for saying whatever I want to.
X: Ok, here I've got nothing! Not xanax (luckily), not xylophone (while I did play percussion, we never really did this). X for aleX and having one of the most obscure letters in my own name?
Y: You. All of you. Anyone who I call a friend, or who cares enough to be reading this, has made an impact on me in some important way. So, thanks, to each and every one of you.
Z: Zest. Mostly this comes from others. I wouldn't necessarily describe myself as having a lot of zest or excitement, but I certainly do admire and have learned a lot from those who do.
What are you grateful for?
22 November 2010
Distracted
I feel like I am constantly holding myself back. I worry about things that are out of my hands, unlikely, or both. I worry about the state of the world, my health, et cetera; I waste so much time hanging around the house doing not much of anything, especially not things I WANT to do, like draw, scrapbook, and so on, and oftentimes not even the things I NEED to do, like take care of the house, take care of myself, or finish school. What I do not do enough of is LIVE and enjoy my life! Maybe my health is not perfect, maybe sometimes I get down and need help, maybe there are scary things happening in the world that I wish I could fix or help or change, but those are not very good reasons to not remember to live, enjoy, and laugh! I have been blessed with many things, and yet I keep myself in a state of mind that allows me to waste days in front of the T.V., computer, or both and not to just get out and have a good time. I need help finding the motivation to stop distracting myself with unimportant drivel and to start living! I am completely open to ANY suggestions at this point! I am just so tired of feeling like I am not enjoying each wonderful day that I DO have. Sometimes I wonder if maybe I AM crazy.
18 November 2010
Sick
So I'd love to say that everything is fine and I feel great and am totally relieved. To a degree, my mind has been put to ease a little bit, but the worrier in me knows that I really have been sick and even though 1 doctor didn't think it was as serious as I thought (which I truly am relieved about), that it doesn't just explain away everything. I hate getting back to this square one point where I want to smile and be relieved but there's still a little nagging voice telling me that no explanation still isn't good enough. I know I have been cryptic and I will continue to be, but I do appreciate the love, worry, and support. I want everyone to know that I am more ok than I thought and that I will try harder to be happier now that some weight has been lifted.
08 November 2010
Happy Birthday, Trenty
My baby boy is 11! I seriously can NOT believe it! It seems like just yesterday when I found out he was coming along, it's so hard to believe that more than 11 years of ups and downs have happened and now I have an amazing boy in 5th! grade. I am so grateful for each moment I have had with him. He was such a sweet, beautiful baby, a funny little toddler, always the entertainer. Now he's a little man! He has given me so many amazing moments and never fails to put a huge smile on my face. I am so lucky to have him and to have learned how to be a mommy and a grown up with him. I will never get tired of looking at his cute little face and giving him so much love. I look forward to many more great moments with him <3
07 November 2010
Lonely
I appreciate the people who care, and how much they do. It is hard for me to open up and despite trying to, I am still struggling with it. I have had a lot on my mind and have been very distant. I know I have been alienating myself and it is hard on the people who care. I know I have been offered listening ears, support, and help, which I have not accepted. I feel bad for startling people and then not talking with them when they offer an ear. I have been hard to be around; preoccupied, distant, grumpy, upset. I feel at fault for the position I am in, I just can't talk about it right now. I have hope that things will work out ok, but I am terrified of the possibility that they will not. I have been in a constant state of worry about what if's and I WILL get to the point where I have the guts to work it out, and I hope and pray it does work out ok. I look forward to the future and having all of this worry and struggle behind me. I hope that the people who care can put up with this for a bit longer. I do appreciate (and need) the love and support, even if I do not always accept it.
04 November 2010
If You Haven't Walked in My Shoes, Please Don't...
tell me how to feel.
try to comfort me by saying something was wrong with the baby; it's not like it helps to think that he or she was so messed up that they couldn't live.
ask me why I am sad.
tell me you understand.
make the grief yours. This was MY baby! My BABY growing, and dying, in my body. You have NO idea how that feels.
remind me of what I have. I KNOW that I am lucky to have two amazing, sweet, kind children, a sweet husband and a lovely home. I KNOW I have been blessed. I KNOW (trust me, I know, I thank God for each day with these kids and every time I hold them in my arms) I have amazing children and I am GRATEFUL for that! SO grateful. Those things do not make it less painful to have lost this baby.
say I should be happy for people. I AM. I am happy for all of the new mommy's in my life! I understand what a wonderful, awe inspiring thing it is to have a baby, ESPECIALLY your first. It still hurts to be reminded of what I have lost. And yes, I DO feel like an asshole for that. Please don't expect me to be ecstatic, to want to see ultrasound, and preggo, and new baby pictures. It just hurts. I shouldn't have to explain or apologize for that.
push. If I don't want to talk, please do not pry. If I am tired and sad, please let me have space instead of smothering me and trying to make me feel better. You are not going to be able to say anything to change my mind and make me feel like this is ok, or make it easier.
It's not like I'm not sorry. I don't want the world to feel sorry for me!!! I want to be happy for other people, I am, and try SO hard to be, a good person. I just need some time.
try to comfort me by saying something was wrong with the baby; it's not like it helps to think that he or she was so messed up that they couldn't live.
ask me why I am sad.
tell me you understand.
make the grief yours. This was MY baby! My BABY growing, and dying, in my body. You have NO idea how that feels.
remind me of what I have. I KNOW that I am lucky to have two amazing, sweet, kind children, a sweet husband and a lovely home. I KNOW I have been blessed. I KNOW (trust me, I know, I thank God for each day with these kids and every time I hold them in my arms) I have amazing children and I am GRATEFUL for that! SO grateful. Those things do not make it less painful to have lost this baby.
say I should be happy for people. I AM. I am happy for all of the new mommy's in my life! I understand what a wonderful, awe inspiring thing it is to have a baby, ESPECIALLY your first. It still hurts to be reminded of what I have lost. And yes, I DO feel like an asshole for that. Please don't expect me to be ecstatic, to want to see ultrasound, and preggo, and new baby pictures. It just hurts. I shouldn't have to explain or apologize for that.
push. If I don't want to talk, please do not pry. If I am tired and sad, please let me have space instead of smothering me and trying to make me feel better. You are not going to be able to say anything to change my mind and make me feel like this is ok, or make it easier.
It's not like I'm not sorry. I don't want the world to feel sorry for me!!! I want to be happy for other people, I am, and try SO hard to be, a good person. I just need some time.
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