No one told me that once my due date came, and went, I would not be able to simply breathe a sigh of relief because it was over. It is not over, because now the crazy counting and should haves are just moving in the other direction. Instead of "I should have a baby in 2 weeks," it's "I should have a two week old, a month old," and on and on it will go.
Don't get me wrong, I never expected that it would all just be over and it would never bother me again. Of COURSE it always will be on my mind. I just did not account for my shoulda coulda woulda's to keep continuing.
I guess I will probably never stop counting days and weeks and months and I will never stop having questions as to why.
<3 <3 <3 TAYLOR <3 <3 <3
11 April 2011
23 March 2011
Tested
So.... Ryan's out of town (again) for work. I work 6 days in a row (and I have no idea how long it's been since I've done that)! So far, I've only worked the 3 days and I'm already completely exhausted. (And one of the days was super short so I could take Taryn to the doctor). I've barely been able to keep up with the house, we have yet to make it to karate this week, we've had girl scouts, a doctors appointment, boy scouts, a band concert, and now Trent isn't feeling well and may need to go to the doctor to get antibiotics for what I suspect is a uti (ouch :( )! I can barely stay awake past 9. I'm kinda bored and kinda lonely and kinda grumpy and I've snapped at the kids and feel like a jerk.
But then I still have a little girl who forgives me, and came into my room this morning to snuggle. I have a little boy who just had his second band concert and looked so grown up with his big baritone. But he even did "i (point to his eye) love (point to his heart) you (point at me) x (make an x with his fingers) o (make an o with his fingers)" from across the room.
It may be a trying week, but I sure am blessed!
But then I still have a little girl who forgives me, and came into my room this morning to snuggle. I have a little boy who just had his second band concert and looked so grown up with his big baritone. But he even did "i (point to his eye) love (point to his heart) you (point at me) x (make an x with his fingers) o (make an o with his fingers)" from across the room.
It may be a trying week, but I sure am blessed!
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16 March 2011
Missing in Action
Yeah...
It's been a LONG time since I've had anything to say here, much less anything really substantial. I am not sure if that's good or bad. Sometimes I think it is good, because maybe that means my focus is not so much on my loss, not so much on wanting people to feel sorry for me sometimes (just being honest), not so much on focusing on others who share the experience of losing. But mostly it's bad because I am pretending. Pretending that I'm ok, pretending nothing's wrong, pretending that the days up to the 9th weren't some of the most upsetting days of my life.
That's why I'm back.
I can't just act like it's all good, like stuff's been fine and cool and I just don't care anymore and I'm not hurting still- because that's not the case at all. I am still mad. Mad at the why me's of this terrible experience. There is still so much that is difficult to wrap my mind around. Why did it take so long to get pregnant? Why did it happen then? How could something I honestly didn't think I wanted to happen have been so wonderful, so exciting, and honestly have given me some of the happiest and most content feelings that I remember having? Ever. Why didn't this baby stay? Was he or she unhealthy or not? Was it something I did? (Rationale can tell me the answer to this question is no, but will I ever fully believe that? Doubtful). Was my baby a he or a she? What would have he or she looked like? Why do I have (almost) nothing tangible to remember this all by? All I have are 4 ultrasound pictures (2 of which are after my precious baby was an angel), a few books and magazines, and the after-the-fact tributes which do help but still just aren't enough.
But then there's the other side.
It wasn't all bad, you know.
I had a pregnancy that, honestly, I got to be happy and excited about. I never thought I would have that experience. Not that I was not happy or excited about Trent and Taryn or that they weren't wanted. But it's different telling your mom when you're 17 (and newly single) that she's going to be a grandma vs. telling her when you're married and she's been harrassing you for years to have another baby. It's way cool to tell the dad and not have him say some crap like, "If you are, I'd leave the country" (I know, right, WTF?) I had never had an early ultrasound before, and having the ultrasound tech tell you that your baby is only HALF AN INCH big, and yet seeing a beating heart is one of the most AMAZING experiences ever. And I got to have that, on my birthday, with my kiddos there. That was one of the best days ever.
I guess there's good and bad with my due date coming and going, too.
First of all, that day wasn't really so bad.
I think that sounds terrible. I don't mean for it to.
But here's why:
The anticipation of that day was what was really, really hard. Because I didn't know what to do, or think, or how to act, or what would be "right." Was I supposed to be sad all day? Was I supposed to be "over it?" Would I want to hide away, cry, smile, be around others? I drank the night before. I didn't plan it that way, but Sparkles texted me after work and I figured, hey, why not. I could use a drink. After I got home, I knew Ryan was annoyed initially, but then it all clicked and he said he didn't know what to say or do, either. He didn't know what was "expected" of him on my due date. I think it's easy to forget that this is not just my loss. Ryan lost a child, too. It's different for him than for me but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter or that it's easy for him. But then that day came. Don't get me wrong, "not so bad" still means pretty shitty. It was a sad day, I did feel bad. But in some ways, it was put to rest a little. I went to target and I ended up looking at baby stuff. It didn't hurt me. Those little things are just things. Meant for sweet babies who deserve to be here with parents who deserve to have them. I won't feel the joy (right now) of getting all those little things and having a baby who can use them, but it's ok. My little baby had to go before I wanted him or her to, but it's going to be ok. I wrote in my journal, which I had also neglected for a VERY long time. I was definitely agitated that day, but I made it through.
And that chapter is over. Not that I won't think about it, or it doesn't matter. But the torture of counting down and thinking about where I "should" be with the pregnancy is over.
My baby is resting. And we're ok.
It's been a LONG time since I've had anything to say here, much less anything really substantial. I am not sure if that's good or bad. Sometimes I think it is good, because maybe that means my focus is not so much on my loss, not so much on wanting people to feel sorry for me sometimes (just being honest), not so much on focusing on others who share the experience of losing. But mostly it's bad because I am pretending. Pretending that I'm ok, pretending nothing's wrong, pretending that the days up to the 9th weren't some of the most upsetting days of my life.
That's why I'm back.
I can't just act like it's all good, like stuff's been fine and cool and I just don't care anymore and I'm not hurting still- because that's not the case at all. I am still mad. Mad at the why me's of this terrible experience. There is still so much that is difficult to wrap my mind around. Why did it take so long to get pregnant? Why did it happen then? How could something I honestly didn't think I wanted to happen have been so wonderful, so exciting, and honestly have given me some of the happiest and most content feelings that I remember having? Ever. Why didn't this baby stay? Was he or she unhealthy or not? Was it something I did? (Rationale can tell me the answer to this question is no, but will I ever fully believe that? Doubtful). Was my baby a he or a she? What would have he or she looked like? Why do I have (almost) nothing tangible to remember this all by? All I have are 4 ultrasound pictures (2 of which are after my precious baby was an angel), a few books and magazines, and the after-the-fact tributes which do help but still just aren't enough.
But then there's the other side.
It wasn't all bad, you know.
I had a pregnancy that, honestly, I got to be happy and excited about. I never thought I would have that experience. Not that I was not happy or excited about Trent and Taryn or that they weren't wanted. But it's different telling your mom when you're 17 (and newly single) that she's going to be a grandma vs. telling her when you're married and she's been harrassing you for years to have another baby. It's way cool to tell the dad and not have him say some crap like, "If you are, I'd leave the country" (I know, right, WTF?) I had never had an early ultrasound before, and having the ultrasound tech tell you that your baby is only HALF AN INCH big, and yet seeing a beating heart is one of the most AMAZING experiences ever. And I got to have that, on my birthday, with my kiddos there. That was one of the best days ever.
I guess there's good and bad with my due date coming and going, too.
First of all, that day wasn't really so bad.
I think that sounds terrible. I don't mean for it to.
But here's why:
The anticipation of that day was what was really, really hard. Because I didn't know what to do, or think, or how to act, or what would be "right." Was I supposed to be sad all day? Was I supposed to be "over it?" Would I want to hide away, cry, smile, be around others? I drank the night before. I didn't plan it that way, but Sparkles texted me after work and I figured, hey, why not. I could use a drink. After I got home, I knew Ryan was annoyed initially, but then it all clicked and he said he didn't know what to say or do, either. He didn't know what was "expected" of him on my due date. I think it's easy to forget that this is not just my loss. Ryan lost a child, too. It's different for him than for me but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter or that it's easy for him. But then that day came. Don't get me wrong, "not so bad" still means pretty shitty. It was a sad day, I did feel bad. But in some ways, it was put to rest a little. I went to target and I ended up looking at baby stuff. It didn't hurt me. Those little things are just things. Meant for sweet babies who deserve to be here with parents who deserve to have them. I won't feel the joy (right now) of getting all those little things and having a baby who can use them, but it's ok. My little baby had to go before I wanted him or her to, but it's going to be ok. I wrote in my journal, which I had also neglected for a VERY long time. I was definitely agitated that day, but I made it through.
And that chapter is over. Not that I won't think about it, or it doesn't matter. But the torture of counting down and thinking about where I "should" be with the pregnancy is over.
My baby is resting. And we're ok.
09 March 2011
24 February 2011
I Think I'm Losing It
The closer it gets to my due date (2 weeks yesterday til the big day), the more I am not sure if I'm going to be able to handle that day. First of all, I can't believe it has already gone by so fast! I go back to all those hopes and dreams of last summer when I first found out, and it is unbelievable to me that here I am now, and all those things I thought would happen, haven't. I haven't told people at work that I'm expecting, we haven't excitedly anticipated the big day, we don't have a nursery, I haven't kept going walking with a big belly to show off and I didn't get attention from the old people at the mall about it. I have started karate, and even sometimes it makes me mad that I am there and not sitting, uncomfortably, on the bleachers with my big tummy giving me problems.
I also am starting to think more and more of what I am not going to have; just when I got to the point where I think I am starting to move beyond "what should have been" and "it's not fair," it hits me more and more that I should be welcoming a new baby VERY soon, and I'm not going to be. I think it makes me very mad. And very sad.
I also am starting to think more and more of what I am not going to have; just when I got to the point where I think I am starting to move beyond "what should have been" and "it's not fair," it hits me more and more that I should be welcoming a new baby VERY soon, and I'm not going to be. I think it makes me very mad. And very sad.
27 January 2011
Things That I Obsess Over
I wish I'd never said....
"I don't know why, but I don't want a boy." This will haunt me forever. Obviously i'd be happy with any healthy baby God wanted to bless us with.
I wish I didn't think...
That one of the final ultrasound pictures looks like the baby's face is in a little scream. I'm sure this is my imagination getting the best of me. I hope. But I swear in the one picture it looks like my poor angel baby is looking right at us with an open mouth that is screaming.
Ryan doesn't know that I know where the pictures are but I do, and I often look at them.
I wish I could stop obsessing...
About where I "should" be with this pregnancy. I'm NOT pregnant anymore and I need to stop focusing on what might have been. Today i'd be 34 weeks. Trent's room would be downstairs, we'd have a nursery now, Ryan would have a bigger car, we'd know if the baby was a girl or boy and he or she would have a name (maybe not Taylor).
This just really sucks.
Most of all I hate the thought that we will never have a rainbow baby, and even if we did I wouldn't be happy because I'd be terrified. And because no one will replace the baby we lost.
I also still feel like a jerk face for not being happier about other people's babies. I guess I'm just too sad for me to be happy for others. Which I really hate because I don't want to be like that! It's just really hard to be reminded of what I DON'T have and not getting to know why this happened to us and not getting to know why this baby couldn't stay.
"I don't know why, but I don't want a boy." This will haunt me forever. Obviously i'd be happy with any healthy baby God wanted to bless us with.
I wish I didn't think...
That one of the final ultrasound pictures looks like the baby's face is in a little scream. I'm sure this is my imagination getting the best of me. I hope. But I swear in the one picture it looks like my poor angel baby is looking right at us with an open mouth that is screaming.
Ryan doesn't know that I know where the pictures are but I do, and I often look at them.
I wish I could stop obsessing...
About where I "should" be with this pregnancy. I'm NOT pregnant anymore and I need to stop focusing on what might have been. Today i'd be 34 weeks. Trent's room would be downstairs, we'd have a nursery now, Ryan would have a bigger car, we'd know if the baby was a girl or boy and he or she would have a name (maybe not Taylor).
This just really sucks.
Most of all I hate the thought that we will never have a rainbow baby, and even if we did I wouldn't be happy because I'd be terrified. And because no one will replace the baby we lost.
I also still feel like a jerk face for not being happier about other people's babies. I guess I'm just too sad for me to be happy for others. Which I really hate because I don't want to be like that! It's just really hard to be reminded of what I DON'T have and not getting to know why this happened to us and not getting to know why this baby couldn't stay.
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15 January 2011
Another Blog Award : ) Part I
I got an award! This award is from Jamie at forget me not, oh Lord.
Here are the rules that come with receiving this award....
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you this award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 recently discovered great bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award!
As always, I have to give love to Jamie, she is an awesome lady, a fellow BLM with very similar dates to my loss (as well as similar dates to my excitement and the good things that happened with my pregnancy), and a great mommy to an adorable little girl. She is also expecting her rainbow baby which is awesome, and I hope her pregnancy will be going more smoothly soon! Check her out for sure if you never have.
O.............. K................ 7 things about myself.... hmmm. That could be interesting!
<3 I had my first baby when I was (barely) 18 (and if you knew me in high school, know this: I was about 4 1/2 months at graduation). Yes, it's SO young, etc, etc. But ya know what? I wouldn't change a thing. Not that I encourage or recommend following in my footsteps, but there are much worse things than having a child to care for that you love with all your heart and would do anything for. Trenty made me a better person and young moms can still be good moms. Heck no, I was not always perfect but I always did my best for him and for me. If I could go back and undo it, I wouldn't.
<3 I (used to be) a darn good artist. Well, a pretty darn good drawer at least. I miss doing it, it was something I deeply enjoyed and I produced a lot of work that I am still very proud of. I would love to make more time for drawing and get good at it again.
<3 I (used to be) a darn good writer. I even have a couple of poems published in poetry collection books (not like they were choosy, but still. It's fun to see my name in print). I miss writing creatively, I have written some great poems, short stories, and even a short play. As far as expressing myself goes, I definitely do it best through writing.
<3 I have always wanted to write a fictional book. Maybe someday. : ) I don't know what it would be about...
<3 I am 6' 1.5." Obviously those who personally know me know this. But those of you who only know me online probably hadn't envisioned a giant. Now you can!
<3 I SUCKED at basketball and volleyball. A lot. Just sayin'. ; ) (Somehow this tidbit seemed to naturally follow the last one...)
<3 I really wish I was more outgoing and confident. I am good at putting on an air of calm, cool, and collected, but if I am in a new situation or around new people, I am not in my comfort zone at ALL. I deeply admire people who make a lot of connections and have a range of friends and associates. I wish I put forth a more friendly and professional air and was more comfortable getting to know lots of different people and making connections with new people.
Well, as the title indicates, this is the first part of this entry. I need more time for rules 3&4 but I solemnly swear, I will get to those steps (and therefore, part II of this entry) soon.
With love until next time
alex
****************************************************************************
I got Taylor's dove today (thanks so much to Jessica!!!) and I am so thrilled with how it turned out!!! : )
09 January 2011
In Retrospect
I am amazed- as usual- that another year has flown by. Day to day, things don't really seem to change all that much, but then I look back and think, wow! SO MUCH has changed over the years, and so much happened and changed in 2010. I never would have thought that all of the things that happened last year would have happened to me. I feel like a completely different person in so many ways. I never would have thought that I'd get pregnant, or be excited about it. But I did, and I was so thrilled. I never thought I would know how it feels to lose a child, I remember feeling such sorrow for people who have. And although their circumstances were different (like they had children who were born and who they got to spend months or years with first), I never, ever, ever thought I would end up knowing firsthand how hard it is to say goodbye to a child that you wanted to have in your life for the rest of your life. And though I have gone back and forth over a very long period of time about God, church, religion, et cetera; I am way more in touch with my spiritual side now than I ever thought I could be. Somehow through the bad things, starting in the summer of 2009 when Shane and J.J. died, my faith in God grew stronger, not weaker. I cannot explain how or why but I am so very glad that I can now say my relationship with God is growing and I am learning so much about faith and his love. Day to day, little things happen, but over the period of many days, big things have taken place. I may not always understand why, but I am truly grateful for all of my experiences.
28 December 2010
A Very Merry Christmas
Sometimes it's hard to remember to be good, to be grateful, and to know that the world does not revolve around me. This Christmas was one of the first times I was able to keep these things at the front of my mind and to have my head and my heart in the right places this season. Going to church and remembering the "reason for the season" (but this time, for the first time, for real) reminded me to be patient and to try my best to be kind and unstressed and to think of others. This was the best Christmas ever because I was finally in the right place, spiritually, to ENJOY it for the right reasons. I feel SO blessed to have such a fantastic family and wonderful friends and to know that I have God's love and guidance to help me through hard and scary times. I feel like I will always have love to give and receive and will never be alone. Things may not always work out how I thought they would or how I wanted but I will always have love and friendship to help me through. I hope and pray that all of my friends and family will have an amazing upcoming year full of love and good times, too.
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20 December 2010
Family Weekend
On Friday, I went with my mom to pick up my aunt Patty and cousin Kevee at the airport. It was fun getting to hang out with my mom; we had coffee while we waited and we browsed around at a cute (and overpriced) shop at the airport. Then we took Patty and Kevee to lunch and had a great time. Later, we went to my aunt and uncle's and hung out with my grandma for a while. It was the kid's last day of school; and, of course, Taryn's birthday, so everyone came over to our house for a bit after I got the kids and then we all met up with my aunt Becky, uncle Dick, and cousin Steph and her boyfriend Ryan for pizza later. (Pietra's... YUM!) I got Taryn a chocolate, whipped cream, and oreo cake, and managed to fumble the piece she wanted and dropped it all over the table (much to her dismay, oops!) Despite that, I'm pretty sure miss Taryn had a good 8th birthday day (even though she was upset that her teacher forgot to pretend spank her) : )
On Saturday, Taryn had a party at her karate school, and was joined by a few of her closest girlfriends and Ryan's parents and sister Kate and her new husband Eddy. My brother John (Taryn's bestie) came, too, which was nice. The kids got to run around and burn off a TON of steam, it was fun to watch (I kinda wish I had participated in some of the activities!) Taryn got to cut her cake in half with a samurai sword (PRICELESS facial expressions!)
And she got lots of cool gifts, including a black watch with skulls (too cool), a seashell jewelry making kit, and a Justin "Beaver" (UGH) shirt, which she loved! Right after that we headed up to Evergreen (so pretty!) for Trent's boy scout holiday party, which was held at one of the leader's parent's ranch. It was chilly (it was held in a barn), but there was lots of good food, a visit from Santa, and the kids got to go "sledding" (there wasn't much snow, so some **brave** grown-ups pushed the kids down a little icy path on the sleds). We headed home around four for a little r&r, but that plan was thwarted by a call from my mom, wondering if everyone could come by and watch a movie and hang out. That sounded like fun, so I straightened up the house, dug out a bunch of boy scout popcorn (some I still had from LAST year-yeesh), and was interrupted by the door bell ringing half an hour EARLY. WTF I thought. Turned out my mom had been trying to call, and everyone was going to Steph and Ryan's, instead. Oh, well, at least our house was clean (for a day, at least). We decided to pass, and instead had an early dinner, then went to see Tron. It was TOTALLY AWESOME! (Even for the fifty bucks it cost for the 4 of us to go). BUT, my poor little lady crashed within 10 minutes of the movie starting : ) She slept through the entire movie in my lap (awwwww!)
On Sunday, we had plans to meet my mom, grandma, Patty, and Kevee at church, but my aunt Pam (Patty's twin, and Steph's mom) had flown in that morning (the weather was too bad for her to come on Saturday, like she had originally hoped to), so Patty and Kevee went with Steph to get her. We met up with Ron and Becky (my in-laws) and my mom and grandma, and I was glad that my mom enjoyed the service. It was a good one-- a Christmas message about king Herod being threatened by baby Jesus' birth, and how we still are threatened by Jesus because if he is in charge, if he is king, then we are not. It was a good lesson about control, and struggling to let Jesus lead our lives and be the one in control. Afterward, my mom, grandma, Patty, Pam, Steph, and Kevee came over and we hung out and chatted for quite a while. It's always a crazy time when my mom and the twins are together (my mom is only 15 months older than them), so it was great to see them together, telling wild stories. At five, we all met up downtown and had dinner at cafe Rialto, which was totally yummy, and then we headed off to see The Nutcracker ballet. The Colorado Ballet does a great performance, and we've started to make it a yearly tradition. 2 years ago, my mom, Taryn, and I went; last year, the 3 of us plus Trent (who WANTED to go, who'da thunk it?) and Pam went, and this year there were NINE of us! (I wonder how many will go next year?!) I felt bad for not thinking to invite my mother-in-law and her mom, and my sis-in-law, Kate. : ( Trenty gets a BIG kick out of the male dancer's tight tights, it's fun to tease him about for weeks to come! Unfortunately, Pam, Patty, and Kevee all are leaving Monday morning, so we bid them good-bye after the ballet, but it was really awesome to have such a nice weekend filled with fun and love from much of our big, wild, family.
On Saturday, Taryn had a party at her karate school, and was joined by a few of her closest girlfriends and Ryan's parents and sister Kate and her new husband Eddy. My brother John (Taryn's bestie) came, too, which was nice. The kids got to run around and burn off a TON of steam, it was fun to watch (I kinda wish I had participated in some of the activities!) Taryn got to cut her cake in half with a samurai sword (PRICELESS facial expressions!)
On Sunday, we had plans to meet my mom, grandma, Patty, and Kevee at church, but my aunt Pam (Patty's twin, and Steph's mom) had flown in that morning (the weather was too bad for her to come on Saturday, like she had originally hoped to), so Patty and Kevee went with Steph to get her. We met up with Ron and Becky (my in-laws) and my mom and grandma, and I was glad that my mom enjoyed the service. It was a good one-- a Christmas message about king Herod being threatened by baby Jesus' birth, and how we still are threatened by Jesus because if he is in charge, if he is king, then we are not. It was a good lesson about control, and struggling to let Jesus lead our lives and be the one in control. Afterward, my mom, grandma, Patty, Pam, Steph, and Kevee came over and we hung out and chatted for quite a while. It's always a crazy time when my mom and the twins are together (my mom is only 15 months older than them), so it was great to see them together, telling wild stories. At five, we all met up downtown and had dinner at cafe Rialto, which was totally yummy, and then we headed off to see The Nutcracker ballet. The Colorado Ballet does a great performance, and we've started to make it a yearly tradition. 2 years ago, my mom, Taryn, and I went; last year, the 3 of us plus Trent (who WANTED to go, who'da thunk it?) and Pam went, and this year there were NINE of us! (I wonder how many will go next year?!) I felt bad for not thinking to invite my mother-in-law and her mom, and my sis-in-law, Kate. : ( Trenty gets a BIG kick out of the male dancer's tight tights, it's fun to tease him about for weeks to come! Unfortunately, Pam, Patty, and Kevee all are leaving Monday morning, so we bid them good-bye after the ballet, but it was really awesome to have such a nice weekend filled with fun and love from much of our big, wild, family.
17 December 2010
16 December 2010
I Wish I Could Say
"Fuck you!" When the response to, "who'd like to start" (ordering) is, "the pregnant one!" It's not a stranger's fault, but it is just too soon to have it in my face ALL. THE. TIME. Especially when "the pregnant one" looks to be about as pregnant as I should be. That's all, just griping. I know I shouldn't be so bitter.
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