A few posts in one

I would break these up into a few posts, but I'm rarely on the computer, and I feel like a lot of people don't follow very regularly and I don't want any of this to get missed, so I'm doing several posts in one.  Since I'm sort of on the subject, I'll start with:

(to be read in a non-sarcastic, somewhat ironic or silly, I'm just being honest tone)
***Can those of you who actually DO follow, please click "follow" and then even leave me comments sometimes?  The reasoning behind this request are many, which include me being somewhat needy (I guess) and throwing ALL this out there because sometimes, I really need to know that someone IS listening, does care, and that I don't have to always go through it all alone.  Having 8 followers (which is a number that hasn't changed in 2 years), many of whom NEVER comment, make me feel like NO ONE IS LISTENING (or, reading).  Ryan tells me all time, "you reach so many people, tons of people read your blog and care what you say."  Uh, really?  I can't tell when I get no comments on most posts.  Furthermore, I really hate when people make excuses or reasons like "who would care what I think?" or "I don't want to comment on every post, you'll get sick of me." Um, no!  Got something to say?  I care!  I care if you think I'm bein' a douche, I care if you think I've helped you be more caring, I care if you feel bad, I care if you think SOMETHING, ANYTHING!  Wanna be supportive?  Leave me a comment, lemme know!  Wanna set me straight?  Leave me a comment, lemme know!  Wanna tell me I'm a whiner?  Leave a comment... I can't/don't/won't know if you don't say so, and I don't (AT ALL) expect 100% support.  I don't expect everyone to say "oh, honey, sweetie, baby cakes, poor you!"  I've offended?  Set me straight!  I've given you something to think about?  Tell me!  You're so super sorry about what's happened to me?  Please say so!  (Sometimes I really need to hear it)... 
Another reason for this request is because, even though sometimes I have angry, downright mean things to say, and sometimes they seem to be about someone specific, I am actually NOT that shitty of a person.  I care who my audience is, so if I know what I'm thinking might hurt or offend someone, I will make a point to be more sensitive.  Not that I'm necessarily going to censor myself, but the point of this blog is to be honest and let people know where my mind (SOMETIMES) goes; not to lose friends and piss people off.  Sometimes I just need to get things off my chest because I can get bogged down in negative emotions, then, sometimes weeks later, it's brought to my attention that I've hurt someone or was overly mean/rude/hateful.  I'm trying so hard not to be that guy, however, there are times I just need to get. it. out.  My feelings can be hell to live with sometimes, but they are not who I am.  They come and go so quickly and seemingly without reason.  One day I find out someone is pregnant and I'm thrilled and I think, "oh, maybe I'm starting to feel better,"  then the next day (or 5 minutes later), I see a pregnant stranger and want to kick her in the shin.  Then I think, "DAMMIT!  When will I feel ok?!"  That got a little off track... oops.  Anyway, all I'm TRYING to say is, I care who might be reading this and it is not my intention to make anyone feel bad for any reason.  You're my friend or family member and you're preggo or have a new baby?  I still love you!  I AM happy for you!  Sometimes it's a little hard for me, though.  I'm not blogging to hurt your feelings, I promise!

Nextly, (sheesh, that first part was long),
I've said in the past that I don't want to call anyone out, but I was WRONG!  So, here goes (in no particular order, and I'm sorry if I miss anyone):
* Jenny J:  thank you for ALWAYS being there, and for not being afraid to say you're sorry or that you care. And, of, course, for the BEAUTIFUL cross stitch honoring Taylor (If you ever wanted to do another for Tristan-- in ALL your spare time--wink, wink...)  But seriously, you've been an amazing source of support.
*Chris W:  sometimes the things I write you could take such offense to, and you don't, and I can't tell you HOW MUCH that means!  I LOVE YOU for taking the time to let me know when you've read and try to cheer me up, and I hope you know I LOOOOVVVVE those beautiful babies of yours, too.
*Brenda S:  you've always been someone I admired for being HILARIOUS and I was always happy Trent was your birthday buddy because I'd be thrilled to have a kid with a sense of humor like yours!  You're a great mom and even though we haven't seen each other in years, you've left me a couple of the most amazing and sweet comments here and your kind words have been helpful and inspirational!
*Derek and Ariel C:  Derek, for a long time you were one of my only friends, and you always were amazing to talk to and then you met your wifey and I had another friend in her!  What a blessing.  But the thing I love, love, LOVE the most was when you shrieked like a little girl when I told you I was pregnant with Taylor (and secondly for working for me on Christmas- I still owe you a favor for that one)!  You 2 are great friends!
*Cassie M:  we've lost touch and had some rough times, but when I lost Taylor, you dropped by just to show you care, and I don't think we said much (as there's not much to say) but you hugged me, smoked with me, and sat with me, and I REALLY appreciate that you took the time to just BE THERE.
*Andrea M: you're one of the only people I see with any sort of regularity (even though it's not enough), and even though I can tell sometimes talking about all this makes you a little uneasy (trust me! I understand), you're always a good listener and I don't know what I'd do without our (sometimes) walks.
*Kim R:  You've had lots of struggles of your own but you never lost your spunk and now things are happening for you and I truly wish you nothing but the best.  You took the time to read and then you had the guts to be honest with me and even though I wasn't totally receptive at the time, I've told you before and I'll tell you again now that I DO appreciate you and I have nothing but respect for you saying what you feel to me.  Your honesty was a kick in the right direction for me.
*Kim E:  You're one of the awesomest people I know and I am so lucky we've become friends.  I have had so many great times with you and I can't wait for that friend date (remember the one from 4 months ago we never got around to? we're still gonna do it-- without kids!  Although our larkburger friend date was awesome and so generous of you, we need some grown up time!)  You gave me the beautiful hanging flower basket after my second loss and I nurtured it all summer.  I loved looking at it and having a reminder that there is beauty everywhere.
*Katharine:  I know today is a terrible day for you.  I'M SO SORRY!  But I wouldn't be where I am today without you and your blog and I think you are such an amazing woman, writer, MOTHER, wife, pet mom, and friend!  ((((((((((HUGGGGGGGS))))))))))
*Jamie:  you are much classier than I am and yet you read my blog with understanding and kind words.  You're an amazing lady.  You keep me inspired and sometimes you're the sole commenter on a post and the ONLY way I know that someone cares.  THAT means a ton to me, and SO DO YOU!!!
*Kate VOS: What can I say?  You're my sister and one of my best friends.  You're always there for me, and I LOVE YOU.
*Becky VO:  I got so lucky to get you for a mother in law!  Sometimes I feel like you get the short end of my temper and/or honesty and I just want you to know I'm never trying to be mean to you.  I am SO appreciative that I can be honest with you- it's done WONDERS to have someone to talk to who will always let me say what I need to say and try to offer support, advice, and understanding.
*Millie VO:  You always are patient, kind, and a good listener and I thank you, so much, for being there for me!
*Michelle U:  You understand what I've been through and you have remembered me (us) at times when no one else has.  The cards you've sent have been so thoughtful and have been such a help to me on hard days when I feel like no one else remembers my sweet heaven kids.
*Rachel B:  We've been friends for, what, EVER?  We've lost touch sometimes over the years but you've ALWAYS been there for me.  Always.  When I was pregnant with Trent and scared, you were there.  When I got married, you were there.  And now, when I feel bad, you're there!  I love you!
*Roxie F:  Lord knows you have problems of your own!  Some downright comical and some so sad and frustrating they HAVE to be comical or they'd be too damn depressing to bear.  Yet you've told me time and again that just because you have things going on doesn't mean you can't be there for me.  Even better, you've SHOWN me that's totally true!  I know we don't see each other enough but I love all the crazy escapades we've had and I wouldn't trade a second of any of the crazy times we've had together.  Love you, Julian, and Jane.
*Nicole W:  The thing I love the most about you is that you always have a kind word and you have the amazing gift of EMPATHY.  You don't say "I know how you feel" you say "I can't imagine how that feels".  That means so much to me that you understand the difference yet always have a kind and encouraging word even though you haven't been in this situation.  I'm lucky to have you for a cousin!  Love you!
*Christina H:  You used to be my husband's cousin, but now you are MY FRIEND.  I am so grateful for you and am so happy that we've had the chance to get to know each other and hang out.  Our times together have been a blast.  I also LOVE the necklace you made me and it's so nice to have something tangible to put on, look at, and touch when I need something to remind me of my other 2 kiddos.

(wow, this list has gotten WAY longer than I thought).  I know there are TONS more I'm missing.  So thank you ten times over for reading, commenting, messaging, sending cards, any and every show of support has been SO APPRECIATED and has helped me SO MUCH.  I love all of you!

Nextly, (there's more?!)
here are a couple of secrets and maybe a little clarification as to why a couple of my more recent entries were a little bitter:

A LONG time ago (like, several months before Taylor came, then went), I had a dream that I had triplets.  At the time, I was mortified by the idea and was also bewildered as I was pretty much over the idea of having ANY more children, let alone THREE.  In the dream, we had turned the whole large section of the basement into one huge nursery and I had these 3 babies I was thrilled to have.  I still have NO idea where the idea of triplets would've come from or what possessed me to be thinking of this while I was in dreamland, but it's always been in a little corner of my mind ever since.  When I found out I was pregnant the first time again, I almost half expected there to be more than one baby.  One of the first things I asked the ultrasound tech (somewhat disappointedly) was, "so, there's just one?"  The next time, I had a feeling I might be having twins.  I'm still not convinced Tristan didn't have a brother or sister in there with him before our ultrasound.  Anyway, this idea of "my triplets" is something that I kinda/sorta (am I CRAZY?!) want.  I just can't shake it.  So, in October (trying to think of how to word this somewhat delicately without entering TMI territory), despite the fact that I was sorta actively trying to prevent becoming pregnant (since I'm convinced-ish that any pregnancy would result in losing it so I kind of feel like a selfish murderer if I try again without nailing down some more answers as to what the heck is wrong), I realized that we could POSSIBLY become pregnant that month.  I sort of half expected to, and didn't really know how to feel about it.  THEN, one day I got SICK.  Like, fine, perfectly fine, then nauseous ended up puking my guts out sick.  If it was something like morning sickness, it would've been EARLY.  But... not impossible.  The idea of this being the case was kind of exciting because I was sick as hell with Trent and Taryn but not at all with Taylor and Tristan so I thought, maybe if I WAS pregnant, and if I was experiencing morning sickness at 3 weeks, the pregnancy might last and also, MAYBE the super early morning sickness could be due to having more than one (for instance, "my triplets") in there, causing hormones and symptoms to go crazy.  A week later, my period was due but hadn't come yet, and I was nauseous AGAIN.  And, literally as I was googling "morning sickness at 3 weeks (and totally getting my hopes up), my period came, crushing my hopes.  3 days later, I found out that someone I know and see quite a lot is pregnant and I just was crushed.  It was a VERY BAD NIGHT.  Then I had some pretty rough posts.  There's my big secret(s)!  :/

Thanks for reading, that might've been the longest post in the history of blogging!  (Please don't forget about the first section, and leave me a comment!)

Mis... conceptions

I know I tend to seem very vocal and oftentimes really bitter or harsh or angry, but the truth is, that's just a little piece of me and my feelings.  I don't really have an easy time saying what's on my mind, or sharing secrets, or trusting people, so I usually just don't.  I'm sure after some of the things I've said in this space, that seems hard to believe, but it's always been easier for me to write... even if I know it's not anonymous.  I get that people will see what I post and that some people will "get" exactly what I'm attempting to explain, and some people will maybe think I'm looking for sympathy, and some people will think that I'm mean or bitter or angry, or some people might take offense or think that I'm a hateful person, and I understand why any of those scenarios would be plausible.  The thing that I guess even I'm just realizing about some of the things I've said is that it's just a small piece of how I actually feel.  Also, most posts are stemmed by... something.  And I usually don't explain what that "something" specifically is because I do not want to point fingers or call people out or say, "I was upset by such and so because blah de blah," so I say general things and then people just assume I'm only referring to them.  So I'll clarify, a little.  I still don't want to be specific, but I will say that I'm not UNHAPPY for people who are pregnant.  Now, obviously I'd be lying my ass off if I said I was always super thrilled and not jealous or even sometimes angry.  Not angry at specific people, but angry because that's not how it's going for me and sometimes it's hard to see other people experience this when, for some reason, my family is not.  I think sometimes it's pretty easy to guess where a single post might have come from [seeing facebook pregnancy announcements (plurally, being the operative idea there, seeing 5 in one week is what's overwhelming, not one and then I'm pissed) or a friend who is unhappy for whatever sex of baby she's having, etc], but sometimes there is a lot more behind what I say than I explain or let on.  So I might say, "I want to scream that I don't care who's pregnant" and it LOOKS like I hate all pregnant people or never want to hear about them or be supportive or excited, but part of what's behind that is actually the frustration I have when people really close to me, even family, are constantly telling me who's pregnant or what's going on with a pregnancy or email me deets about a new baby on a day when it's REALLY hard for me to hear it (like the anniversary of Taylor's due date), and I want to scream AT THEM.  NOT at the person who is having or has had a baby.  There are some people I guess I just assume should KNOW that it would be hard for me and I figure it'd be common sense for them to just NOT say anything to me about stuff like that, but they do, and my frustration and irritation is ON THEM, not on the person they are telling me about.  (And this generally isn't referring to friends telling me about other friends or someone they know or something they heard.  I can HANDLE knowing babies exist and do funny and cute and awesome things).  And sometimes, it's true, A single pregnancy upsets me, but it's not the person or their baby but where my mind goes when I find out.  The upset is about my circumstance, not them.  For instance, I recently found out that someone I frequently see is pregnant, and I watched her in a situation do modified things because of it, and then my mind started on me and I started thinking of all the things that SHOULD be different for me right now and how MY situation would be totally different if I were still pregnant.  Sometimes I have no control over something that will trigger me to have thoughts about "what should have been."  So I'm not MAD at that single person for having a baby, I'm mad at my situation and the fact that I am not, and I should be.  And I know it's silly to constantly dwell on SHOULDS, but it's hard not to sometimes, and it's hard not to wonder what might have been, and it's hard to watch someone else be pregnant and know that should be me.  Right now.  I should have been in her shoes and it was really hard not to be.  And people saw the upset on my face, but I couldn't say, "I'm not having a hard time because we're doing something difficult, I'm having a hard time because your wife is pregnant!"  So, I let people think whatever they wanted to, but the truth was, I was having a hard time because my mind UNEXPECTEDLY started thinking deeper about how far along I'd be, and how EVERYTHING would be different for me at that time.  To top it off, I THEN thought, I'm really happy to be where I am and doing what I'm doing and then I felt even WORSE because it was almost like I was happy I wasn't pregnant because I wouldn't be where I was if I still was pregnant.  And of course, it's not like I'd pick being able to do something over being able to have another baby, but that guilt was there.  I never know what is going to trigger those thoughts, and sometimes, it's the new knowledge that someone is having a baby that does it.  Then it seems like I am unhappy FOR THEM or mad AT THEM, but that simply is not the case.  Sometimes when I write I don't clarify enough, mainly because I know that ANYONE could be reading and I DON'T want them to assume it's ABOUT THEM.  What I write is about me.  And I KNOW it can be bitter and not pretty, but it is honest and I know a lot of women who have been in my shoes can relate.  And I say what I say and sometimes I say seemingly nasty things for 2 main reasons: I want people who are like I used to be, who thought losing a baby was something you just get over and try again, to UNDERSTAND that it's hard and devestating, and know that the miscarriage wasn't just "tissue," it was a person, it was hopes and dreams, it was someone's CHILD.  You can't recover that!  Secondly, I want to be a voice for people who don't think it's ok to feel what they feel after going through this, and I want someone who's been through it to see ALL of how I've felt, and to know that it's NORMAL to have a hard time and that it's OK!  So, I am not going to stop being honest, but I do want everyone to know that I AM mindful that anyone could see this and some people might not totally understand where I am coming from or all the reasons why I say what I say, so I will try to be more clear, or less general, or give a better explaination to WHAT some of the things were that are behind what I'm saying.  It's not my intent to hurt people or take away their joy, it's my intent to express what I'm going through and what's upsetting to me.  I'll try to be better about explaining WHY.

The Shit the World Keeps Piling on that Breaks Your Heart

 

*Sorry for the sideways pic, it was drawn about 5/16 or 5/17/12... After we lost Tristan but before we had the guts to tell the kids.  As you can see, Taryn drew me (pregnant) and her holding hands, and wrote "I love you mamma, hopefully it goes well."  I don't think anything, ever, has made me more sad than this sweet, innocent drawing.

 

*I know no one thinks that their pregnancy is going to offend someone, and I guess it doesn't, necessarily, but it just gets overwhelming.  The newest facebook announcement, the latest comments, the texts saying, "I'm having contractions," the "guess who's having a baby?"  And I really, really, really want to SCREAM sometimes.  Sometimes I want to say, "I don't CARE who's pregnant, I'm not happy for them, I DON'T WANT TO KNOW!"  But holy shit, if I said THAT, I might OFFEND someone.  I might make someone UNCOMFORTABLE.  Hell, I might even make someone FEEL BAD.  Cuz obviously getting the "there's no heartbeat" announcement, or, worse, literally seeing your baby come out of you, tiny, helpless, and dead, felt fuckin' awesome.  I just HATE to have to make anyone feel awkward for 2 seconds about my inconvenient dead babies.

 

*the genetic test results which, A. say "missed abortion" (i didn't miss shit, 4 days after we had a heartbeat, I had the baby fall into the toilet- too graphic? oops) and B. refer to MY CHILD as the "products of conception."  PRODUCTS OF CONCEPTION?! This "product" had a beating heart! Hello!!

 

*telling someone that you told someone the truth (instead of that you were sick or on vacation) and they say, "you TOLD her?"  I'd just been through hell and back, and now I have to make up some wild story about it, too?  What the HELL is wrong with our society that someone can't say, "my baby died" and then have FEELINGS about that, too?

 

*people who say stupid shit like, "please stop making me nauseous, baby" "I hate having to pee all the time" "I'm having a terrible boy" "I didn't want another baby" etc, etc.  Know what's worse than having pregnancy symptoms? NOT having them cause your baby died.  Know what's worse than a terrible boy?  A dead boy.  Stupid shit also includes, but I'm SURE is not limited to:

*next time we'll make sure you don't lift anything heavy

*I'm glad it happened early on

*there was probably something wrong with the baby

*why are you dwelling on this

*you should be happy for such-and-so, they had a hard pregnancy

*this makes you appreciate your kids more (actually, I feel like it's opposite- it makes me hurt to know what I'm missing out on even more)

*you should be grateful for the kids you have (keep THAT in mind the next time YOU lose a loved one, k?  "welp, mom died, but my dad is still alive.  cool.")

(yes, I personally have heard ALL of these, and more, I'm sure, from my besties, my family, the people I love the most.  Yes, I GET that they were "well meaning" but this all still HURTS.  So, if you read this, and you know someone else who loses a baby, do NOT say any of these things)

 

So... why am I a little mad at the world?  Because people think it's ok and normal to push miscarriages under the rug like they're no big deal.  It negates the feelings and pain of millions of people who had hopes and dreams about their child but were left with NOTHING tangible.  A couple ultrasound photos, maybe genetic results, IF THEY ARE LUCKY.  Mostly, you get your hopes and dreams crushed in one terrible moment and a whirlwind of what the heck just happened to me?  The knowledge that you WERE pregnant and now you're not (was it all just a dream, you've got nothing to prove it wasn't).  Then you get to live in a world where babies are just so freaking great and you should just be tickled fricken pink to be SURROUNDED by ladies who are having or have just had babies and it makes you feel like this miracle gets to happen to everyone on the planet BUT YOU.  To top it off you are told it wasn't your fault but then you (more times than not) are given no answers as to what happened (you're just told some bullshit about "genetic abnormalities" even though TONS of tested babies are perfect).  Heaven forbid you get pregnant again, because it's so not fun, and that's not how it should be.  You don't tell people because you're terrified and you don't want to untell them.  Then you lose the baby and no one knows that baby even existed so they say stuff like, "I'm so jealous you can drink" 4 days after and you want to choke them even though they're one of your favorite family members so you just choke down your sangria and go cry and bleed in the bathroom by yourself.  So, yeah, those are a couple of reasons why it seems like the world is ganging up on me to make me a little crazy, and a lot sad.

 

 



 

 

 

 

 



Their Names Are

Ryan strongly feels like Taylor is a girl; so her middle name is Elizabeth.  If we find out Taylor is a he when we get to heaven, his middle name will be Eli.  The second baby was a boy, and we've decided we like Tristan.  Since most of us have A middle names, we thought about A names we like, and I suggested Amir.  So now our 2 heaven babies have full names.

I love you, Taylor Elizabeth and Tristan Amir!

Scared Half to Death

Jessica Ridgeway.
What else is there to say?

A ten year old little precious baby walking to school, kidnapped, ultimately murdered, dismembered.  SICK. It absolutely BLOWS my mind that such a sick fuck could do this!!  And, unfortunately, it happened super close to home.  She was taken near Trent's school.  Found near where we live.  No suspects, no nothing.  I'm absolutely petrified to let my kids out of my sight. 

This person took a precious child not only from her mother and father and other family members, her friends, and her classmates, but also her community. 

And how could any parent in this community be anything BUT terrified?!

I hope she is resting in peace and the disgusting, demented individual who did this is caught soon.

I've been thinking (oh, boy)

Lately, I've been thinking, and I'm pretty sure that I'd like to have a baby.

That's all.

Rude Announcement

I'm super freakin' sick of the cutsie "i'm having a baby" facebook announcements (in the form of "our kid is going to be a sibling", "dear baby, quit making me naseous", etc), and if i see another one anytime soon i'm going to scream, vomit, and/or stab myself. THERE. I said it.  Also, i hate each and every person who is stupid enough to announce it the second they find out to the whole stupid world because i just KNOW everything will be fine for them.  Not that i want things to go wrong for anyone, i just wish it could've gone right for me.  Also, to the dumbasses who have unfriended me due to links to my blog, IT'S NOT PERSONAL.  You've got a baby and you think i'm talking about you?! I'M NOT.  I'm talking to the world, which sometimes feels like it's piling up and shitting directly on me.  You think some of my posts are unpleasant to read for 5 minutes? Imagine living it every second of every day.

copying my other blog, just so EVERYONE knows

last nights post was read differently than i intended for it to be, so let me clarify:

I AM EXHAUSTED, I AM COMPLETELY WORN DOWN, I AM NEVER FREE OF PAIN AND EVERY MOVE I MAKE HURTS, I AM STRESSED OUT BY HEALTH ISSUES I NOTICE, AND BY MY JOB- WHICH IS PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY DEMANDING, I FEEL LONELY BECAUSE OUR SCHEDULES ARE CRAZY AND I DO NOT HAVE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH MY HUSBAND (I DON'T REALLY SEE HIM HALF THE WEEK), MY FRIENDS, OR ANYONE ELSE I CARE ABOUT, I AM SO TIRED THAT ACTIVITIES WHICH SHOULD BE FUN MAKE ME WANT TO CRY A LITTLE, I FEEL LIKE NO ONE CARES OR SYPATHIZES/EMPATHIZES WITH HOW I FEEL, I AM SAD BECAUSE HALF OF MY KIDS ARE DEAD AND I NEVER EVEN GOT TO MEET THEM, I HATE PREGNANT PEOPLE BECAUSE I AM JEALOUS AND IT IS UNFAIR, AND ALL I NEED IS FOR SOMEONE (ANYONE) TO JUST ACT LIKE THEY CARE THAT I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. I WAS NOT TRYING TO MAKE ANYONE FEEL BAD OR TALK CRAP ABOUT ANYONE. I AM JUST STRUGGLING AND I FEEL AT THE VERY, VERY, VERY END OF MY ROPE.

OK?

New Pictures

I had her caption it "our angels" because we hadn't decided on a name for our sweet boy yet, but we talked it over last night and decided on a name [I'll tell ya it later ;)]. And now that they both have full names, I can get a stone butterfly for him and his name in the sand. I can't wait! (just waiting to tell our families the names first). I have 4 amazing kids, God has certainly blessed us. And thanks, of course, to Carly Marie Dudley and her BEAUTIFUL, AMAZING work! I love these butterflies!

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2 Years Ago...

2 years ago I just knew everything with my little "nugget" was going to be just fine
I was going to see him or her on the ultrasound and know they were ok
I got up on that table, excited to see my baby
and then I had the wind knocked out of me with the words,
"there is no heartbeat, and no movement"

2 years ago I smoked a cigarette with a friend who came over just to give me a hug
I watched "man on fire" with my husband and knew I'd never want to watch it again
I cried and cried, wondering if it hurt my baby when their heart stopped
I wondered why

2 years ago I never thought I would be able to get past the pain
and I certainly never thought I would have the strength to do it all over again
I thought, this has happened to other people more than once, I don't know how they can do it

2 years ago we said goodbye
way too soon, no one wanted to

2 years ago we found out our baby died

16 months, 17 (18?) weeks, one day at a time

If Taylor had lived, she would be 16 months.  My life would be SO different.  I can't even fathom... Sleepless nights, baby toys strewn about, constantly having to keep an eye on her, baby pictures on the wall, hooded bath towels, diapers, baby food, sippy cups, my first attempt at breast feeding, car seats, blues clues, the list goes on and on.  So much of that little little kid stage, I don't even remember.  What would it all be like with a little one in the house (in the car, in the family)? 

If lil man would have lived, I'd be 17 weeks (?) along.  Well, according to my dates, I'd be 18 weeks today.  According to the ultrasound, I'd have been 17 weeks yesterday.  That's actually something I forgot to mention; according to a lot of the information I found, triploidies tend to be smaller- significantly so, even from the get go.  Perhaps this is why he was measuring 6 days behind on the ultrasound.  That convolutes things for me, though, because it makes it harder to know how far I really was, what date to consider my due date, etc.  I think Ryan and I kind of agreed that it made sense to go off the ultrasound, but I also KNOW there was no way that date could've been correct.  However, since that's what the ultrasound was measuring and since it was such a cool date, I'm cool going with it- New Years Day, 2013.  According to the first date of my last period, he would have been due the day after Christmas.  This also makes it kinda tough to pick out birthstone jewelry- should I have banked on December or January?  Who knew one week in the life of a baby who couldn't stay would make such a difference?  Yet, it does.  At least to me.  The due date and the date you say goodbye are all you get; not having one be definite is sort of devastating.  Was my date right, or theirs (I'd think it was likely in the middle)?  Would he have been a Christmas baby or a New Years one (either way would have been so cool)?  Should I be 17 weeks or 18 weeks pregnant?  Did I lose him at 7 weeks or 8?  A week can go by in a blink, but now it makes all the difference, and I just don't know.

What I do know is that I said goodbye May 15: 10 weeks and 1 day ago.  I haven't had a big breakdown (yet).  I HAVE had more moments where I'm offended just by the MENTION of a baby.  IT HURTS.  It's so hard and I have no idea when (or if, or how) I'll get to the point where I'm... ok.  I don't even want to be NEAR (like, within a mile radius) of a child under 2 or a pregnant woman.  Especially not one of those dippy broads who's stomach is on display like some beacon in the night, while she smiles and "glows" like, "oh, isn't it sooooo great that I'm pregnant?"  I HATE those oblivious, happy, isn't-it-great that I'm pregnant ladies.  I seriously wish I had some type of glasses I could wear that just blocked out little children and preggo ladies so I didn't even have to deal with their existence.  Ridiculous, I know.  I feel like a 3 year old even thinking it, but there it is. 

But, I've made it almost 2 years since we said good bye to Taylor and 2 months since we said good bye to our little boy, and I have the "what ifs" of the idea of a 16 month old and an 18 week (or so) pregnancy, and here I am.  I am alive.  It's all happened one day (sometimes one second) at a time.  I guess I've just got to keep taking it breath by breath...

It's A (Triploid) Boy!

He was a boy.  Well, an XXY male.  Why XXY you ask?  Because he was (probably) a triploid.  A what?  Yeah, I had never heard of triploidy, either.  Because the initial genetic testing yielded no results (which we were warned may happen), the doctor ordered a different test, called FISH, to "rule out" the 3 most common fatal trisomies, 13, 18, and 21, and also for the X&Y to be looked at.  Instead of ruling these problems out, ALL 3 (4, with the sex chromosomes) were ruled IN as "abnormal", with 3 sex chromosomes and 3 chromosomes on 13, 18, AND 21.  Conclusion?  "These studies demonstrate three signals for FISH probes specific for chromosome 13, 18, and 21 in this sample.  Two signals for the X chromosome and a single Y signal are also present.  These results are consistent with a triploid fetus... Triploidy is observed in approximately 20% of chromosomally abnormal spontaneous abortuses."  What the heck does this mean?  It means somehow, through either an error in cell division, an egg which somehow had 46 chromosomes already, or by a single egg being fertilized by 2 sperm, the baby LIKELY had 69 chromosomes instead of the normal human 46.  Many people have heard of trisomies (like 21, down syndrome), which is an extra chromosome at ONE point, this special lil' guy had a full extra set of chromosomes (most likely).  I keep saying "most likely" because we didn't get a karyotype of the baby, JUST the markers for these specific chromosomes, which all showed an extra; therefore, he LIKELY had an extra full set of chromosomes, making him a triploid.

We have yet to speak with a genetic counselor about what this all means, but from what I could find (you KNOW I've been researching everything I can find about this), it is rare, unlikely to happen again, and not inherited or anything we could have prevented.  Moving forward, this almost makes things more confusing for me, though.  Not because of what we know about him, but because of what we DON'T know about Taylor.  All I know about Taylor is that she didn't live.  I don't know if something was "wrong" with her and I never will.  Don't get me wrong, it's AWESOME to have an answer this time.  But not knowing what, why, how, when with my first loss makes it scary to try again.  There are just still so many unknowns in the mix.  Could we be one of the VERY few unlucky who has this happen twice?  (The odds of that are like being struck by lightning twice- not good).  Was something different wrong with Taylor?  Was she totally fine and we just don't KNOW what went wrong?  Was MY health a factor in one or both losses?  I read somewhere that autoimmune disease can CAUSE genetic abnormalities- did this happen to both of my babies, and will it happen to another?  Then there's the whole "what the heck is wrong with me, anyway?" issue.  We SUSPECT that I have some sort of autoimmune related illness, that doesn't necessarily make it so.  So yeah- ugh!  Kinda SUPER frustrating!  At this point, I'm basically waiting for a sign from God one way or the other.  I know that before, I sounded hell bent on having a healthy baby but now I. JUST. DON'T. KNOW. ANYMORE.  After Taylor I always said it "doesn't feel up to me."  Now, it REALLY doesn't feel up to me.  So, I'm just kinda waiting for some clear sign either way.  If God wants me to have a baby (or, please, no, do this again) then I am up for heeding his call.  If not, not.  I really don't want to do this again, AND I'm starting to have some of those "I don't know if I want to start all over" doubts.  So as glad as I am to have ANSWERS this time (and did I mention?! he's a BOY! so super stoked to know), I AM LOST!  Please pray for me, because I really, really, really need some help trying to decide what to do moving forward.

I'm Not the Person...

...to be complaining to that you're unhappy with the sex of your (healthy, living) unborn baby!

I hate to do so many complainer posts, but JEEZ!!!  Obviously, this is geared toward one person, so I'll use my disclaimer here that I'm PRETTY sure she'll never read this.  On the flip side, if you're one of those jackasses who does this, DON'T! 

It happened like this.  I got a random text from an old friend who did the typical back and forth, "how are you?  What's up?  What's new?  How are the kids?"  (I knew she was pregnant so I tried to avoid that topic, and I knew she DIDN'T know about the second baby.  But she should've known about the first).  Then it came, "I'm due blah blah time."  I TRIED.  So hard.  "Oh, cool, I have a friend who's kid was born that day, she's awesome.  Do you know what you're having?"  "A horrible boy."  STILL, I tried.  I even gave her the benefit of the doubt that she tried to write little, or awesome, or something other than horrible.    "Boys are fun!"  I replied.  "That's what people say, but it doesn't make it any better."  Welp, that did it!  But still, I was nice.  "Well, after losing 2, I'd be happy with any baby who could stay, but I remember thinking boys would be weird when I was pregnant with Trent, but he's been nothing but awesome."  No reply.  Made me laugh, kinda.

But this is what I really wish I would've said.

"Look, you selfish ass, lots of people can't have babies, or have trouble having babies, or would do ANYTHING to have a baby.  Some people lose babies, and go through hell wondering why they're not pregnant.  And they definitely DON'T WANT TO HEAR YOU COMPLAIN BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING A PERFECT LITTLE CREATURE WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE THE "WRONG" SEX SO SHUT THE FUCK UP AND GROW UP AND BE HAPPY THAT YOU GET TO HAVE A HEALTHY BABY WHEN LOTS OF PEOPLE DON'T!"

Just sayin'

It's Out of my Control, so How Can I Adjust My Reaction

I see pregnant ladies or babies, and do the opposite of what most people do when they see one.  I scowl, glare, silently detest them for crossing my path.  My mind does the why me?  How come I'm not still pregnant?  It's not fair!  (Basically, WAH WAH!)  I can't control the fact that these people exist, so how the heck do I react better?  How can I control MY reactions to them and not be so damn upset?  Seriously, especially to other BLMs, HOW how how can I not be so mad at babies or women who are about to have one?  How can I change my reaction to them?  HELP!

'Nother Blog

I started a new blog.  It's about chronic pain.  It's mostly so I can try to keep track of what's wrong with me each day, but I also hope that maybe it will help others.  Plus, I like to think it'll be full of fun anecdotes and helpful tidbits about health.  Check it out, if you want, at http://ouchiemommy.blogspot.com

Welp, Went to the Doctor Today and... NOTHIN'. Yet.

Going to the doctor was discouraging and uneventful.  We didn't start the recurrent miscarriage panel on me because the doctor brought up cost.  Well, frankly, I don't care much about the cost, but it's not only up to me and right now we can't afford a big unexpected expense, so we're going to see what insurance will cover first and work it out from there.  It's annoying that I can't figure out what's going on because we have to be concerned with finances.  The way the medical system works is totally fucked.  Just putting that out there. 

It was also discouraging because, as nice as the doctor seems, she wasn't very positive about the outcome of doing the panel.  Basically, she seemed to think the outcome may not produce answers and used the word "tricky" several times.  The test on the baby is "tricky,"  the panel might be "tricky" as often everything turns up "normal" (what DOES that mean, medically, anyway?  the range of "normal" results for any given thing is ridiculously large), even if something wrong did turn up with my results, dealing with it or fixing it or making it better next time can be "tricky."  She also said that "some physicians might say 'what's the point?'"  REALLY?  The point, for me, is not having to keep losing a baby who once had a heartbeat.  Isn't that a good enough reason?

Also, they had not yet yielded any results on the baby.  I REALLY REALLY hope this doesn't mean that we won't be able to find anything out.  I'm pretty torn.  If we find out nothing, then I'll still have billions of questions... forever.  If we find out something was wrong with the baby, then, well, something was wrong with my baby.  If we find out the baby was OK, then we'll wonder why this happened, or if there was something we could've done to prevent it.  It's hard, but I'd like to know either way.  It won't change what happened, but a little closure would be great.

We'd like to try again but at this point, I don't know what to do.  We're not getting any younger, the kids aren't getting any younger, and I don't want to push my luck and find out how many times I can deal with going through this.  It's so frustrating and upsetting.  I know I feel discouraged.

Contest

I just entered a writing contest with the following story.  It's long, but I like it :)

My name is Alex, and I have always enjoyed writing as my preferred outlet of self-expression.  I am much better at writing my feelings than I am at speaking them.  In high school, I took several semesters of creative writing class, and my teacher particularly praised my poetry.  In college, I added English as a major midway through my junior year, as most of the elective courses I took had to do with reading and writing.  In grad school, I’d feverishly bust out 15 page papers in a single day.  In September of 2010, I began blogging about being a mother, and just this week I began a new blog about life with chronic pain.  I also have several personal journals that I enjoy writing in but do not make as much time as I wish I could for.  Most importantly, for as long as I can remember, I wanted to be a mother, to three children.  I wanted them all to be about 3 years apart from the next, just like a set of my cousins had been.  I began to get my wish when God blessed me with a little boy in 1999, and then a beautiful baby girl just a week before Christmas in 2002.  Since I was very young and not in a solid relationship, I doubted my dreams for a third child would ever come true.  Then, when the children were 5 ½ and 2 ½, I met a wonderful man, Ryan.  15 months later we were married in a beautiful ceremony in the mountains of Colorado, light snow falling in the background.  I would have liked to have had another child right away, but month after month passed without a positive pregnancy test, and we eventually put the dream of having a child together on the back burner.  We assumed that maybe we couldn’t have one together, for whatever medical reason.  I knew Ryan would have liked to have a biological child of his own, but he viewed my children as his and we were both content.

                To our surprise and delight, in July of 2010, I suddenly found myself pregnant.  We had been married nearly four years.  Within a week, we had told his parents, my mom, our siblings, and the kids.  Everyone was thrilled, especially our moms and our daughter, who immediately began suggesting names and asking if the baby could sleep in her room.  The thought of “starting over” with a new baby when the kids would be 8 and 11 was a bit daunting, but we were both extremely happy and neither of us could contain our excitement.  The pregnancy began to progress well; I have chronic pain, and for the first time in years, I just felt great all the time.  On July 27^th, my 29^th birthday, I got to have my first ultrasound.  The baby was a little less than 8 weeks and the heartbeat looked amazing: 169 beats per minute.  I had never had an ultrasound with my kids that early in the pregnancy and knowing that there was something the size of a pinto bean growing inside of me with a heartbeat of its own was the best birthday gift ever.  I do not remember ever being so happy, content, and excited.  The only thing that put a damper on the appointment was when the ultrasound tech said, “Your chance of miscarriage is only about 5 percent.”  I remember thinking it was weird that she would even say that, OF COURSE I was not going to have a miscarriage.  That was something that only happened to other people, and I (erroneously) believed that miscarriage was some fluky thing that was no big deal. 

                Unfortunately, about 2 weeks later, I began spotting.  The afterhours on-call doctor assured me that many pregnant women bleed or spot and told me that since we’d had a scan and seen the heartbeat, odds were good that everything was going to be fine.  He told me to take it easy and said if I was still worried, I could call the office in the morning and have another ultrasound.  I was very worried but rested as he told me to do, and the next day, I felt pretty good.  I did not have any more bleeding at all and I took the kids shopping for school supplies.  The following day also went well, until about 5 in the evening when I went to work and began lightly spotting again.  Again, it stopped all the next day, until work, when it began to intensify slightly.  I went home early and tried to call the doctor, but he was assisting a delivery and we never did end up being able to connect.  The next morning, I made an appointment, completely excited as I knew the baby would be fine.  I took myself out to lunch before the appointment and I just wanted to gush to every person I saw that I was going to have a baby.  I was THAT excited about the pregnancy.   My mom happened to call me that day and when I told her what was going on, she insisted on coming to the appointment with me.  We chatted in the waiting room, still both excited at the prospect of a new baby in the family.  I finally got called back to the ultrasound room and had to explain to the tech why I was there.  She began the ultrasound, and I was so excited when I saw my little baby on that big screen in front of me.  She began measuring and said, “9 weeks, 4 days,” which I thought was quite odd because I should have been at least 10 weeks.  Then I noticed that the heart was not beating like it had been before and I wondered if she needed to do something special with the equipment to make the heartbeat show up.  Just as it dawned on me that things were not ok, she said, “There’s no heartbeat, and no movement,” sorrow in her voice and sadness in her eyes.  I was in shock.  I drew in a deep breath and said, “OK.”  My mom began sobbing.  All I could think was that I wish I hadn’t told everyone, because now I would have to untell them; mostly I didn’t want my daughter to be upset. 

                After we lost the baby I was angry at the world.  I wanted to walk up to pregnant women and punch them.  I thought it was terribly unfair and the spiteful side of me would think, “how come SHE gets to be pregnant, how come SHE has a baby?”  But it was not up to me.  I began blogging about the experience and how I felt and lots of people I know supported me and even opened up about their experiences with losing babies.  Losing this child, no matter how early, taught me a lot about being a good person when others are going through a hard time.  I always felt for people who were going through bad things but I was also a person who “didn’t know what to say.”  I learned that just saying ANYTHING and being caring and sincere is much better than nothing at all.  I also made new friends who were going through similar experiences, and that made coping a bit easier.  But the biggest, most comforting and helpful thing was turning to God.  Without his love to comfort me and without standing on the solid foundation of faith in Him, I might never have made it through the experience.  Without his love and encouragement, I might never have been able to look back at the experience and see it as positive, but I do now.  The first pregnancy test, telling everyone and seeing their excitement, the first ultrasound with the good heartbeat were all are amazing gifts that can never be taken away.

A couple of months after losing the baby, I began to have an extreme flair up of my chronic pain, and we still have not gotten to the bottom of what is causing it.  However, with writing and praying, I have the courage to face each day and conquer challenges.  I began doing martial arts with the kids and while it is very physically demanding, it is also rewarding.  I have learned to challenge myself and face new obstacles, but without God’s encouragement, I wouldn’t have the strength to face any of it.  Since losing the baby, we have begun going to church every week, I have begun reading the bible and other daily affirmations, and we began listening to Christian radio station.  This experience gave my whole family the opportunity to get to know and love God.  The kids love the Christian music, and it is nice to give them something positive to focus on in a world that has its eyes and hearts focused on things that are not important.  It has also given me the courage to face adversity with a new attitude.  When I unexpectedly found out I was pregnant again on April 21, 2012, my husband and I were happy.  We knew that this baby was a gift and whether or not it would grow and get to stay with us was out of our hands.  I worried some, but I also let myself enjoy being pregnant.  I liked the symptoms of pregnancy, even though some were uncomfortable.  The slight nausea and achiness was affirmation that I had a baby growing inside of me.   I let myself dream of what having a new baby would be like, and I took trips to the baby stores to look at all the cool baby gadgets and cute clothes and room décor (a lot has changed in the 10 years since I was pregnant with my daughter).  I checked out baby and pregnancy books at the library.  I’d be lying if I said it was all fun, no worries, but I trusted God, and my husband and I were able to talk about our feelings with the pregnancy and the loss and we grew closer because of it.   At our first appointment, the doctor told me I had blood in my uterus and said my chances of miscarriage were “slightly” elevated.  We both hoped and prayed that this pregnancy would be different and we looked forward to our appointment in two more weeks to see how things were going.  We also knew that the results were out of our hands and that all we could do was pray and trust God.  Three days later, we told our families via ultrasound photos in mother’s day cards.  We didn’t expect everyone to start crying, but they did (even Ryan’s dad), and it was fun to share the excitement with everyone.  The day after that, this child also went home to be with God and his or her brother or sister.  I only made it about 7 weeks this time.  We were due on New Year’s Day, 2013.  While we are all sad that another child could not join our family, we know that God is still there and His presence helps to dull our pain.  Sometimes I still get that jealous pang when I see a pregnant woman or a baby.  I am only human, after all, and it hurts missing out on the wonderful experience of growing a new life to love.  But we know without a doubt that those two precious children are not gone forever.  We will see them again in another wonderful life.  And while whether we are given another chance at becoming parents or not remains to be seen, nothing can change the fact that Ryan and I are the parents of four amazing children.  God has blessed us and held us in our times of sorrow. We will continue to have faith in Him as he has shown us all the positives that come with trusting in Him. 

According to the ultrasound, I'd have been 12 weeks today. I lost the baby 5 weeks ago. The pregnant lady I always waited on on tuesdays has had her baby but she wasn't in today (thank goodness). I feel sad. It was over so quickly it is almost like it didn't happen. Except I saw the beating heart, we had the hopes, dreams, and plans, and it DID happen. I'm sad.

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Update

So, I don't really know where to start...

First of all, I'm kinda not as sad this time.  I don't know how to describe it.  Maybe that emotion just hasn't hit yet, or maybe I haven't dealt with it yet.  I am not saying I'm not sad by any means, but somehow I just kind of feel... ok.  I feel bad about that, sort of.  I don't know how to put it into eloquent words.  I guess in a way I just felt more prepared.  Not necessarily that I expected (and I certainly didn't WANT) this to be the outcome, but the first time I just felt totally blind sighted and so upset by the unfairness of it all.  This time we both felt more prepared that this was a possible outcome.  I had A LOT of hope that it would all go well and I was so happy that I was having more symptoms with this pregnancy.  When it didn't work out, AGAIN, it felt unfair, but it wasn't as much of a shock.

I saw the baby come out this time.  It makes me sad just thinking about it.  The only good is that we saved the embryo and MAYBE the doctors can test it.  It's been 4 weeks (tomorrow) since our follow up appointment, and she said the testing was delicate but they could TRY.  She said it would take 2-3 weeks and we still haven't heard anything.  I hope they hurry up.  I hope they'll be able to tell us SOMETHING, anything.  It'd be REALLY nice to know if it would have been a boy or a girl.  I'd love to know for sure so that I don't have to rely on a "feeling" about it, or refer to him or her as "it" forever.  I guess Ryan and I can talk about names after we find out anything, IF we find out anything.  If not, we will just have to rely on our gut instincts; which is hard because he's sure it's a he and I think it's a she. 

I got my period the other day.  I forgot how hard it was, that first one after losing a pregnancy.  It's like confirmation that it's over, REALLY over, even though you know that already.  It kind of feels like your body is betraying you, or throwing the loss of the pregnancy in your face.  I also think it's kind of sad and upsetting that it came SO quickly after losing the baby.  It only took a month which seems REALLY fast to get back to normal- it kind of feels like my body's way of saying that this pregnancy really was not meant to be. 

Last time I had gone to a different doctor's office and they never did follow up with me.  This time we went in 6 days after and I think the nurse thought I didn't care because I had been so calm on the phone when I talked to her a couple days after.  I cared so, so much, of course, but I just didn't have as many tears or as much numbness this time around (still totally convinced that it coming- sometime)!  I HATED that appointment.  I don't know if it's standard, but I thought it was TERRIBLE that the doctor put the ultrasound screen facing me so I could see that everything was empty inside where there had been my little baby just a little over a week before.  I don't know why they have to do that.  As stupid as it was, I still had a TEENY amount of hope that maybe I was wrong about what I saw come out, or that maybe if I wasn't wrong, there was still a little alive baby inside.  But there was nothing, just a stupid empty womb where a little bitty beating heart should have been.  I wish they didn't make the mother watch the screen.  They also said they couldn't return the embryo, which was really hard for me.  I really would have liked to have been able to bury it and plant some kind of flowers or bush or tree there but in the end, having a chance at getting some answers won out.

This time I don't hate new moms, babies, and pregnant ladies AS much.  I still think, sometimes, "why does SHE get to be pregnant?"  or "how come THEY have a new baby?"  but mostly it just kinda makes me sad.  It makes me feel like I'm missing out on that much more.  Getting pregnant took some of the sting away from losing Taylor; not because anyone could replace her, but because it was like this exciting little glimmer of, "look, I can be pregnant, too, I can create a new life, we CAN experience this excitement."  Now I've lost doubly, we SHOULD have a 15 month old and I SHOULD be just starting my 2nd trimester of pregnancy.

The upside (I guess) is that it makes me more determined to have a baby who gets to stay with us.  I don't know why because these were both surprise babies, but now we really have a desire to see this whole process through.  I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that we know we can at least GET pregnant.  I REALLY hope they can find a way to help us get and STAY pregnant sometime in the future so that we can know the joy of what having a child together would be like.  I'm desperate to know what we've missed out on with these 2 losses.

The Second Time

yeah, this is going where you think it is, if you're guessing by the title that this is going to be another unhappy ending story.

On Friday, April 20, it hit me that i was on day 31 of my cycle, and that, for me, meant borderline late.  Ryan and I had been fighting so i didn't really mention it, and assumed i'd be starting my period anytime.  When it hadn't come the next day, i dug out my last pregnancy test and took it.  i was terrified.  i was excited at the prospect of it being positive, i was scared at the prospect of it being positive. i could barely look.  i felt queasy.  i set the test down a couple feet away and when i finally had the courage to look over, i just saw one line.  negative.  my first thought was, "ok, well at least i don't have to face going to the doctor" (yeah, kinda demented, i know.  there is really something THAT wrong with me and i am really THAT scared to address it).  i picked the test up and then noticed the other line.  2 pink lines, one slightly more faint. positive.  i couldn't believe it.  i told Ryan, and he just smiled.  it wasn't good timing,  he just had to get expensive dental work done and we had unexpectedly ending up owing a sizable amount on our taxes.  i've been exhausted and burned out at my job, but none of those things stopped us from being happy.  well... cautiously happy.  i'd keep thinking "i'm having a baby! (i hope)"  i hated that little voice, but i couldn't help being apprehensive.  according to my dates (which i kept good track of), i was due december 26, not adjusting for cycle length (looking back on my dates and counting from cycle to cycle, there wasn't a good average, sometimes my cycle was 31 days, sometimes only 27).  we scheduled an appointment for may 11 and the waiting began.

i didn't tell many people, the ones i did tell were sworn to secrecy.  i wanted to shout from the rooftops but then i didn't want to tell till the baby came out.  i was so freaked out.  every time i went to the bathroom, i looked for blood, practically panicking at the thought.  of course everything was fine.  then on thursday the 10th (the day before my appointment), i got home from work and took a nap.  i got up and noticed a TINY amount of brownish spotting.  it was so light (amount and color) that i had to double check, but that was definitely what i was seeing.  i tried not to freak and to just wait for our appointment.  i knew they were going to do an ultrasound so i tried to just be calm and wait.

when we went in the next morning i was so nervous.  all i could think about was the last time, laying on that stupid table wondering where the heartbeat was.  the nurse was super nice, and that helped me calm down some.  i had read GREAT reviews about the doctor so i felt good about that.  when the doctor came in, i immediately wondered why people had liked her so well.  her voice was obnoxious and she was fairly brisk.  we chatted for a while and then she stepped out so i could undress and she'd do the ultrasound.  she started and i couldn't see the screen.  her face looked tense and all i could think was, "please, not again."  according to my dates, i should have been 7 weeks, 2 days pregnant.  she said, "are you SURE about your dates?"  i told her i was and she said, "well, you're measuring about 6 weeks, 2 days."  she turned the screen some so i could see better and i saw a due date of January 2.  she said, "you're my first 2013."  Then she told me there was blood in my uterus and that was probably the cause for the brown spotting.  she didn't seem alarmed at all about it.  she said it "slightly" increased the chance of miscarriage.  she said i had no restrictions as far as work went but that i should take it easy from exercise until my next appointment (in two weeks).  she said there was a heartbeat which was "reassuring".  i had tons of questions, which she answered, but she also seemed hurried.  i expressed concern over possible hypothyroidism, so she did a blood draw to test levels without even questioning it, which was kinda cool, but she basically blew off my concerns of autoimmunity, saying they usually only test for that if there's a miscarriage.  like i want to run that risk just to get answers.  more than one miscarriage is NOT just some medical dilemma to me. 

i looked up blood in the uterus online and found lots of info.  apparently this is a condition called subchorionic hematoma or hemorrhage (SCH).  i joined a support group and TONS of women on there had crazy stories about having big bleeds even with big clots and still having the baby be fine.  since "most" of these pregnancies went well, i tried not to worry.  we told our moms and the kids on monday and of course everyone was thrilled. it was exciting.  we had put a copy of the u/s pic in their mothers day cards.  that's when i noticed that the date on the bottom said baby was 6 weeks 3 days + or - 2 days, with a due date of 1/1/2013.  i thought it was weird because i KNEW i had seen 1/2/2013 on the screen, but maybe it readjusted when she measured the baby off.  i don't know.  anyway, everyone was excited and happy, especially me.  but then i felt like shit on tuesday and wanted to call in from work.  i knew i'd feel better if i just stayed home and rested.  but for some reason, i went.  it was SO BUSY.  i was stressing and working and wishing i could just rest.  everytime i'd go to the bathroom, a bit of blood would come out.  it was such a tiny amount that i didn't worry too much.  from what i had learned online (the dr had told us nothing about what to expect or what was or wasn't normal with this), sometimes the blood in the uterus "bleeds out."  i figured this was what was happening and tried not to worry, instead focusing on the hematoma being gone and the baby being fine. 

later that evening, the bleeding started getting worse and i started having some (not terrible) cramping.  i was nervous and put a long post on the support group board.  i got some very reassuring responses so i tried to relax but things kept getting worse.  things still aren't better, and i know my poor baby is gone.

it fucking sucks that now i have two babies in heaven.  i really had high hopes this time.  i also just got the call about my thyroid results.  they were "normal" whatever the hell that means.  at the time i was glad that she had just done the test, but now i wish they had listened to my (extensive) list of symptoms and really taken into account more than just one blood test.  now i have two dead babies and am no closer to answers.  i just want to know why this has happened again and if there's something wrong with me that is contributing to this heartbreaking experience.  i hate this.

Friday the 13th

Last Friday was friday the 13th. It was a good ish day. Very unlike a friday the 13th not long ago. The one where it was my turn to learn what losing a child feels like. Whenever I see a pregnant lady looking happy, I think about me that day. I went out to lunch before my appointment and I just wanted to shout to the world, "I'm going to have a baby." I felt like I was just beaming, brimming with  excitement. The ultrasound that day was beyond shocking. I don't know if i'll ever look back on that day and be able to fully connect to the incident. I feel like it was someone else lying on that table, someone else who didn't see her babys heartbeat. Friday the 13th always brings back these memories. But, as they're almost all I have of my baby, I cherish the memories, both good and bad.

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"hey, mom, remember when you had a baby the size of a pinto bean? This box would have been a good size for it."

Upon watching 19 kids and counting, when they learned baby number 20 had passed away:

"did you finish watching that show, or was it too hard for you?"

I never fail to be amazed by the spontaneity or wisdom of my kids. All this time, I thought they just forgot, but apparently I was wrong to feel that everyone forgot or no one cared about my third kiddo.

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Wondering What's Wrong With Everyone

I just want someone to hold me and assure me things are going to be ok even though I feel like they aren't. I'm tired of not being well, of no one caring or responding, of everyone making light of my pain and my fears. My body has turned against me and I feel like no one can help and all is hopeless. I'm scared to go to the dr. I'm scared something is desperately wrong. I'm scared of dying. I'm scared of the thought of my kids not having me. I'm scared of it being something bad and having to comfort my mother when i'd be the one needing comfort. I am alone.

I am also tired of worrying,caring about, doing things for, etc, people who couldn't care less back. When did everyone get so selfish? I'm tired of friends who can accuse the world of being shitty to them but have no problem turning around doing it right back to their "friends". I'm sick of people who are so selfish they need you when it's convenient for them but won't even make a slight effort to be there for you. I'm tired of asking someone how they are, cuz, guess what?i actually give a fuck, and being ignored. I'm tired of people saying they'll do something for you and then they don't. Don't volunteer to do something if your word means nothing! Is anyone reliable anymore?

Don't anyone bother responding, i know no one's there.

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Grieve

preconceived notions
stubborness and my own plans
i didn't want to start over again

until i met you through 2 pink lines
i never expected to see
you completely changed me

i was thrilled the second i knew 
you were on your way
i had so many hopes

dreams...

we all were eager to welcome you
i got to experience new miracles
the thrill of an excited partner
an excited mother
ultrasound at 8 weeks
such a tiny heartbeat
amazingly strong

now i know my plans can never be

i was sure you were ok
it wasn't meant to be
i saw you later on that screen

still

initially i tried to deal
i cried, i vented, i let some feelings out
then i stopped
my focus shifted

i never grieved

now it still hurts
some days less than others
it's hard to be happy and not feel the pain
it's hard to smile at babies and bellies
when the sight is like a knife to my heart

i don't know how to feel
and i don't know what to do
and i feel like it's not up to me

i'm lost

i never grieved

Living

I don't understand when, why, or how it became ok to not live but simply survive. Or why who we are has changed to what we do. I don't want to be defined by my job, how often I work, how much money I make or have or by the things I own. I am tired, frustrated, and scared by the fact that when I do what is truly important is revolved around when I work, and often it is diminished in some way because I am too stressed or tired to give it the attention I wish I could. I am angry that priorities-seeing friends, enjoying my kids, writing, taking care of myself and my home, building and developing relationships I care about, take a backseat to a job that isn't fulfilling mentally, physically, or financially. I feel like a failure because the things I care about most-PEOPLE, have suffered because I simply can't stretch myself that thin. The line between caring too much and not at all has been completely blurred because I am tired and scared so I am caught between wanting to try as many times as it may take to make things right and wanting to say I give up,i can't do any of this anymore. My resolution? Pray and think on it and hope with all my heart that God will direct me to a healthier path. And to anyone I've let down through simple laziness, I am really, sincerely sorry.

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New Beginnings

I know I usually talk about losing a baby on here but today I'm going to discuss the exact opposite, finding a parent! On Wednesday, December 28, 2011, I was found on facebook by my aunt, Becky Brown, my fathers sister. How exciting is that?! In one instant, a million questions were answered and I couldn't be more happy. I got to put faces with names, I found out I don't have other biological siblings but I do have 2 stepsisters, and I found out that I've been cared about for a very long time by many people. When family gets separated, you never know what may happen on your quest to find them. What happened was the best possible outcome. I have a dad who cares, a plethora of aunts, uncles, cousins, etc who I hope to get to know as soon as possible, and I don't have to wonder anymore.

I never thought that the new year would bring tons of new family with it but I feel so grateful that it has. I have a new lease on life, a new excitement to learn about half of my family and half of myself.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

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